Western Stars
by southsidesister
Summary: Donna knew that staying in NYC after their breakup was not an option. So, she packed up her things and headed for California to start a new life, leaving everything and everyone behind, until one day a ghost from her past suddenly appears. Set about 5 years after the events of 8x16. M-rated chapters have a warning.
1. Shells

**Summary: **Donna knew that staying in NYC after their breakup was not an option. So, she packed up her things and headed for California to start a new life, leaving everything and everyone behind, until one day a ghost from her past suddenly appears. Set about 5 years after the events of 8x16.

**Warning: **Minor character death, mentions of (breast) cancer, Alzheimer's disease and depression. M-rated chapters have a warning

* * *

**1\. Shells**

The sun rose in the east, and as day broke, Donna's beach-side house was illuminated with the most beautiful patterns of red, orange and yellow. Monday morning, 6 am. She loved this time of day, right before everybody got up and the bustle of the town entered its daily rhythm.

It was late November, yet she didn't have to worry about putting on extra layers, or even an overcoat. No, in California, autumn meant moderate temperatures and hardly any cold to speak of. Unlike New York, where the seasons were starting to change and she would have already picked out a whole new wardrobe by now, just to make it through the next few months.

Donna had gotten back from Seattle the night before. She had spent Thanksgiving with Mike, a very pregnant Rachel and their 4-year-old son William, as well as Rachel's parents, Robert and Laura.

The trip north had been a welcome break and she would go back for Christmas.

Ever since she had moved out here, visits with the Rosses had thankfully increased. Billy had been born when she was still living in New York. The first eighteen months or so they had connected mostly through FaceTime and little William having no clue who she was. But now that she'd been up to visit several times and they had come to Santa Monica, Donna enjoyed being a real part of his life.

The move to California from the east coast had been hard. It had taken every ounce of strength she possessed to leave, leaving her empty and broken inside. She never fully recovered. But the relocation had been necessary. Perhaps inevitable. LA was about as far away from New York as a person could get. And after two years here, Donna was finally feeling more and more at home with each passing day.

Having left with only a suitcase full of clothes and a few personal items shipped to Seattle, her break from NYC and everyone in it had been a clean one. She'd said goodbye to only her closest friends, who each understood her need for a change of scenery. She had booked a one-way ticket to Seattle and stayed with Mike and Rachel for a good week. Her friends had been shocked to find out about the break-up, but she had insisted nobody tell Harvey where she was. She did not want him to know, or worse, come out west to try and reconcile.

With no real plan, Donna had figured she'd pursue the only thing she still loved: acting. And what better place than Los Angeles? For the first few months there, she had rented a nice apartment until she had found the perfect little house with an ocean view about a year ago. She never even bothered to get her stuff back, so she furnished it with new things, old things, and everything in between, making it a new home. Her new home.

And she did feel at home in her new life.

A friend from yoga had informed her of a theater company in Santa Monica, Bellevue Theater, who was looking for new actors and Donna had joined. The only downside to the location of the theater was it being across the street from a boxing gym. Sweaty men wearing boxing gloves was a harsh daily reminder she didn't need, but she fell in love with acting all over again and most days she hardly noticed the gym anymore.

Rehearsals were underway for a Christmas Carol for which she had landed the role of Emily Cratchit. They had about two weeks before opening night and Donna had a feeling this could be the start of something new. Something permanent. Being an actor.

It was a career move that aligned with her need for change. Money wasn't an issue thanks to the many years she had spent at the top of corporate law. She hated the word retirement, except that was exactly what she'd done. Retire, from her job as COO, from the corporate life. After everything that had happened with the firm and the breakup, she was just happy she could start over, never looking back.

Her new routine was simple enough: get up at six, go to yoga class, take a shower, have breakfast, rehearse, have lunch, rehearse some more and spend the evening either at Jeremy's place, her boyfriend of almost a year, or at home.

If she wasn't rehearsing, she was auditioning. Yet lately, she had started taking more time out of her day to just do nothing. Maybe read a book. Get a massage. Go to the beach. Learn how to speak Spanish. It was an adjustment to her life she welcomed with open arms but struggled with from time to time.

At first, she felt bad for not spending her time being productive, but the more she did, the more she realized there was far more to life than work. And relaxing into her freedom brought her a lot more joy, too and she had decided she could use some joy in her life. She had to learn to let go of the guilt and allow herself to feel happiness again. Which was so much easier said than done. On her best days, the guilt of having left the man she would call her one true love only made her feel sad. On the worst days, she had to keep herself from booking another one-way ticket back.

Her fiftieth birthday was celebrated a few weeks ago with just some new friends and Jeremy. The weekend after, Mike, Rachel and William had visited, and they had spent their time seeing all the sights and taking Billy on all the rides at the pier. Jeremy had not joined the group, having been out of town on business again.

With his new shop in Maui taking off, he'd been gone more often lately. The distance hadn't really bothered Donna. Although Jeremy was sweet, good looking, athletic, an entrepreneur; her heart wasn't really in it. She tried to love him, but she found she couldn't, too afraid of what might happen if the relationship didn't work out. Or possibly afraid of what could never happen if it did. He didn't seem to notice. Or care. And having someone around to pass the time with beat being alone.

This morning, Donna grabbed her yoga mat and made her way out the door. The Sun Salutation awaited.

* * *

The buzzing of his phone woke Harvey from a deep sleep. It took him a minute to remember where he was. The Macallan 18s had been plentiful last night and his head hurt. Drowsily he patted the nightstand to silence the nuisance and was happy when the noise stopped on its own. Never bothering to look who had called, Harvey rolled over in the bed, habitually reaching over to the other side, expecting to find someone there. But the sheets were cold, there was no scent to inhale, no warm body to wrap himself around.

He didn't know if he was disappointed or relieved. The pounding in his head got worse and he exhaled loudly, praying sleep would find him again.

A few hours later, he woke again, this time from the maid banging on the door. _Shit_. He must have forgotten to put the sign up last night. Annoyed at his own forgetfulness, he yelled something to the worker and decided he might as well get up. What day was it anyway? Monday?

Harvey had taken time off from work for the next week; something he never fathomed possible. The law firm he worked for was nothing like the firm that had once bore his name. It was much smaller, the resources were limited, and the cases definitely weren't high profile, but he didn't care. They let him do his thing and never ask too many questions.

He had thought about retirement, but what else did he have in his life? He was alone, in his early fifties, and had no other skills besides being a really damn good lawyer. His job was the only reason he still got out of bed in the morning. That and boxing. Which he would go do today.

In the shower, images of last night assaulted his vision. A redhead. There'd been a redhead at the bar last night. But redheads were off limits ever since that night he'd taken one home and the poor woman had left an imprint of her right palm on Harvey's face for calling out someone else's name during sex. Remembering the incident, he still felt horrible.

He missed Donna, every single day. He would take her back in a heartbeat, if only he knew where she was. His beautiful Donna.

As flashes of auburn and freckles took him hostage, he palmed himself, stroking and rubbing while warm water cascaded down his body. He moaned her name out of habit as he came.

Never before had he missed her more.

Harvey's mom had passed away two weeks earlier. The cancer had taken over so rapidly, she never stood a chance. Lily had died within six weeks of receiving the diagnosis completely blindsiding everybody, including Harvey, who had spent as much time in Boston as he could.

The pain from losing his mother was something he wasn't sure he could deal with, his mind teetering on the edge of an abyss.

If only Donna was still in his life. She'd tell him what to do, how to cope. She would comfort him; promising him everything would be okay. She'd ease him just by being near him, kissing him, combing her fingers through his hair. Letting him cry and crying with him. She'd wipe the tears away and he would make love to her and he'd know for sure that it would all be fine in the end.

But she was gone, too. For good.

Now there was too much room in his bed following too many lonely nights. He'd lay awake in the darkness, mourning his mom and everything else he had lost and there would be nobody to cheer him up.

So, he sought comfort in random strangers he'd meet at bars, while he kicked back the Macallan 18's one by one. But even charming his way into someone's bedroom was getting harder. It didn't matter. He had resigned himself to the idea that he would never love another, anyway. He felt like a shell of his former self, carried forth only by the automated beating of his heart and rhythm of his breath. This was his life now and he merely existed.

When the time had come to read Lily's will, the whole family had been taken by surprise to find that her final wish was to have her ashes scattered in the Pacific. Nobody knew why.

His brother, Marcus, had suggested they all go to California together and take a break from work and school to do so. Marcus' fiancée, Natalie, had a sister who lived in Los Angeles. Thanksgiving would be spent at home so Natalie's parents, could join them. They would fly out to LA the day after the holiday and spend the entire following week there with Natalie's sister and her family.

Harvey had insisted he stay at a hotel, knowing he would want his space every now and then. Being in a crowded house was not something he wanted to deal with right now. They would share meals together and the occasional outing with the kids, but he was in desperate need of a break from everything, too.

Marcus, Harvey and Bobby would scatter Lily's ashes this afternoon.

Before it was time to do so, Harvey was going to look for a gym. Since he had so little else left, boxing had been his go-to for the past year and a half. He trained at least three times a week and he had no intention of skipping a workout while he was here. But first he needed some coffee; the relentless pounding unwavering in his head.

* * *

Rehearsals went really well that morning and Donna was getting increasingly excited about the play. During the afternoon break, she sauntered over to her favorite coffee place, Sleepy Joe's, just down the street from the theater. She had about an hour before she needed to be back, which left her with plenty of time to check her messages.

Standing in line, Donna reached for her phone. Lunch time was always busy here, but the line took forever today. They probably had a new barista. Too bad, she liked Barry, the flamboyant coffee king with the loudest laugh she'd ever heard. She had gotten to know him a little bit and they'd chat and flirt, even though he was clearly gay.

Checking her phone, she noted a missed called from Jeremy, and figured she might as well call him back now. It wouldn't be a long conversation, anyway. It never was.

.

Harvey really needed a cup of coffee. His mood was shitty. Not that it was any different from any other day in the last, say, two years? But he'd hit the gym down the street soon and that always improved his state of mind, if only temporarily.

This line was taking forever. In front of him was an elderly lady with a walker, talking to her dog. In front of her was another redhead. Was that number five or six today? Would there ever come a day when he would stop looking for _her_ every time he spotted someone with the same mix of auburn reddish hair that she'd had? He doubted it.

So, he took this woman in, from head to toes. This one was more bohemian looking. White, floor length skirt, green strap top, cardigan in hand. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was on the phone.

She had a lot of freckles. Like Donna had had. He'd spent countless hours just tracing them, mapping them out. He could draw a picture from memory, and it would match perfectly. This particular pattern was actually close to what he had memorized. He was really losing his marbles if he thought this could be her, in Santa Monica of all places. Regardless, with nothing else to do but wait in line, the creature held his attention.

.

Donna spoke as softly as possible, always having hated overhearing another person's entire conversation in a public place. Jeremy told her he'd be back on Wednesday. The surf shop he had opened was doing very well and he might have to fly back and forth more often to keep a check on the place. He had asked if she wanted to come with him next time and Donna had eagerly answered yes. She'd never been to Hawaii and maybe some time away together would do them some good.

Seeing Jeremy on Wednesday was something she was now looking forward to. A smile played at her lips as she hung up and went to put her phone in her purse, momentarily lost in thoughts of hula and luaus.

.

Harvey couldn't hear her voice over the noise from the place, so there was no way to tell if this was the redhead he so desperately missed. He'd make sure to get a good look at her face when she left. Yet, unable to focus elsewhere, Harvey watched the woman take the phone away from her ear. The moment she did, her ponytail swayed to the side and it was then that he saw the all too familiar mole on her neck. The one shaped like a little heart. His eyes grew wide as he caught sight of her profile and his breathing stopped.

Her name left his lips before he could stop himself and all that registered was the loud banging of a device hitting the floor.

.

Out of nowhere, Donna heard the voice which had haunted her dreams for the past two years. As if hit by a paralyzing dart, she was nailed to the floor. She didn't even realize she had let go of her phone altogether, because the noise of the device crashing on the tiles never registered.

She had not just heard _his_ voice. No way that was possible.

Only when the elderly lady behind her that tapped her on the shoulder did she break from her trance. "You dropped your phone, dear," the woman informed her in a shaky voice. Donna hesitated before grabbing the thing off the floor. She wanted to make sure that when she turned around to thank whoever had warned her, the lady would be the only person to fixate on.

She said her thanks, slowly getting to her feet and almost made if, it weren't for the mistake of looking up past the woman, straight into bewildered, dark brown eyes.

Donna felt all color drain from her face.

Harvey's complexion mirrored hers.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered hoarsely. There was a wariness in her voice she startled herself with. Her heart was racing, her body trembling.

"I could ask you the same thing," Harvey said, staring, still not sure that what he was seeing was real.

The lady with the walker just looked between the two of them, fascinated by what was unfolding.

"I… I live here," she confessed. Goddamned Mike! He must have told him.

She moved to the side, so the woman and her dog could move up, feeling uncomfortable shouting over them.

Scanning his face, she noted his eyes were sunk, his features pale and hard. He hadn't shaven in about two days, his hair was messy without any product in it. But he was fit. Fitter than she'd ever seen him. His arms were big, his shoulders broad, his chest muscular. His pecks clearly visible through the tight shirt he had on. Boxing, he must have been boxing. _A lot_.

Harvey approached carefully and instantly gave her a once over the minute she stood before him. She was hardly wearing any make-up, her hair hadn't changed. Aside from a few extra crow's feet and a little bit of gray mixed in with the auburn, she looked the same. It really was _her_. Donna. His Donna. How was this possible?

"You live _here_? How long?" He had no idea she'd moved to California. For all he knew, she was still in New York. It would explain why he never managed to run into her at any of her favorite places. Not that he was frequenting those, or anything. And did Mike know? If he did and hadn't told him, there would be hell to pay.

She shifted her weight and casted her eyes downwards. "Almost two years," came her unrepentant reply before she met his gaze again.

Having him within arm's reach shook the entire life she'd built here at its core. He'd been the reason she'd left to begin with. After two years here, she had managed to put some of the broken pieces back together, knowing that some were still not back in place and other were lost forever, but she could live with that. She had a routine, a boyfriend, a new love for acting. She was… content. As long as Harvey was no longer in the picture, she could handle it. Now, the already shaky foundation she had laid, threatened to collapse.

Harvey took it all in. He could tell she was clearly affected by his presence. But her words still stung. There was no need to inquire further. He knew why she had moved. He knew _he_ was the reason.

The line shuffled forward, and the barista had a hard time getting Donna's attention, before she finally managed to turn around to face the nervous young man, ready to ring up whatever came out of her mouth next. Harvey was standing behind her. That's all she could think of. Everything else was a blur until she heard Barry's familiar voice.

"Hey, gorgeous!" Cheerful as ever, Barry immediately noticed something was off. "Are you ok, honey?"

Donna looked over at the man hovering behind Mr. Nervous and faked a smile. "I'm fine, Barry. How are you?" It was nice to have this weird spell broken for even a brief moment. "How is your sister doing? Has she given birth yet?"

"Not yet, but any day now!" Barry didn't believe for a second the usually upbeat redhead was fine as he looked over her shoulder at the square-jawed blonde who wouldn't take his eyes off Donna. He lowered his head to hers and in a whisper asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I don't know yet," she admitted, not really caring if Harvey overheard or not.

"Hmm, well you come see me if he tries any hanky-panky, okay?" Barry looked at Harvey from top to bottom, pursing his lips and frowning his eyebrows. "You want your regular?"

"Yes, please."

Barry instructed the new guy to get a regular coffee with a splash of vanilla.

"Make that two," Harvey added from behind. He couldn't help but smile to himself knowing she still drank the same coffee. At least one thing hadn't changed. And whoever this guy was, Harvey loved him for looking out for Donna.

Barry glowered at Harvey as if he wanted to add something else to his coffee. Like soap. Or rat poison. Without saying a word, he brought his attention back to Donna, who just ever so slightly shook her head and closed her eyes before nodding her approval.

This was _not_ happening.

* * *

_A/N: I got this idea one night driving home and I couldn't let it go. I'm a sucker for angst and these two are just perfect for it. I have an idea where this story is going and Chapter 2 is almost finished, but it will be a loooong story with many familiar faces making an appearance. I hope you like it!_


	2. Sundown

_A/N: The first flashback appears in this chapter, even though it's only part of the reason why they broke up. There's definitely more to come! Hopefully the next chapter will be less angsty. Please let me know what you think. :)_

* * *

**2\. Sundown**

_Of all the coffee joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine_, Donna thought to herself. As they were handed their drinks, she noticed a couple getting ready to leave and she motioned for Harvey to take their places. Surely, she could have a coffee with him without going crazy, right? Besides, she was expected at the theater in thirty minutes. What better excuse for an escape could she want?

Two bar stools were facing the window—perfect for when you needed a distraction from whoever you were with.

They took their seats next to each other, Harvey gallantly offering her a seat first.

The gesture was so out of place. This was _her _world. He did not belong here and yet something in her felt… at ease?

She chose to ignore the feeling, hell-bent on keeping a tight lid on every emotion concerning him.

"What are you doing here, Harvey?" Her tone was harsh and resentful, because he had broken the bubble she had been in, forcing her to face a shitload of emotions now warring inside of her. She never met his eyes, holding her gaze focused on her drink.

He never took his eyes off of her, even though the distance she conjured between them cut him deeply. She was next to him but felt a million miles away. Harvey observed her, staring out the window, wanting nothing more than to touch her, to wrap his arms around her and tell her he still loved her. All of a sudden, the loss of two of the most important women in his life was crushing and he found it painful to breathe.

"We're scattering my mom's ashes in the ocean this afternoon," he muttered, swallowing hard against the lump forming in his throat. He was glad to have something to do with his hands, like fumble with the cup of coffee in front of him before taking a swig.

He chanced a glance at her when no reply came.

Big eyes met his, shock visible on her face. His lip trembled as he fought against unshed tears.

Instinctively, she reached out to take his hand in hers. "Oh my God, Harvey, I'm so sorry."

Donna chose to lower her armor, because surely, she wouldn't deny anybody in mourning some comfort. And seeing him in pain hurt her, too. It always had. Even after years apart, it was clear as day she still cared way too much for him and she would have to thread carefully to not get pulled back in again.

Even when touching him again set her soul on fire.

Overcome by emotion and startled by her sudden gesture, Harvey's mind was a mess as a single tear trickled down his cheek. It took everything he had not to break down right there. His eyes traveled over her face, still beautiful as ever and he drowned in her nearness. "I miss you." The words were out before he realized what he'd said; the pain so overpowering that even his habitual inclination to hide his feelings didn't shield him.

The intimacy of his comment made Donna want to shrink into her seat, nowhere near able to address his needs. "Don't," she whispered, retracting her hand and staring at her own coffee cup.

He squeezed his eyes shut and heaved a sigh. She was gone again, far, far away. Although her body was within arm's reach, he had never felt more alone. Silently, the tears fell, for all he had lost.

From the corner of her eye Donna saw him wipe his cheeks and she battled the urge to touch him. But he wasn't the only one hurting right now and she had to protect her own heart.

A long silence stretched between them.

"Who is _we_?" Her voice was soft. She almost convinced herself she only wanted to make sure Marcus was here, too. Who else would he mean by _we_?

"Marcus and the kids. Bobby." He answered her matter-of-factly, wiping the last moisture away. "Natalie, too. Marcus and Natalie are getting married next year."

Ah, she remembered Natalie. She liked her. It just seemed like a lifetime ago when they had met.

"Why the Pacific?" Donna didn't remember Lily having any connection to the West Coast.

"We don't know. She added the request to her will after she was diagnosed." He took a sip of his drink and stared out the window. This was not exactly how he had pictured their reunion. But what had he expected? For her to fall into his arms like nothing ever happened? That she would comfort him in his time of need when he hadn't been there for her when her dad had passed away? He sure was one selfish son of a bitch. And he needed to find a way to apologize. For everything.

Combing a hand through his hair, he gathered some courage. "The funeral service is taking us out on a boat before sunset. We'll leave from Marina Del Rey. I know I don't have the right to ask you this, but will you meet me there afterwards? Maybe we cou—"

"You're right, Harvey. You don't." With an incredulous look on her face, she held his stare as a shot of rage made every inch of skin burn. How dare he ask her to be there with him? He always expected her to put her own needs aside for him, and she had done just that for too long. But no more. "I have to go."

She got up, intending to leave him behind. Again.

All at once she was reminded of exactly why she had made the decision to break off their engagement in the first place.

* * *

_"I'm going back to Connecticut this weekend."_

_"Again? I need you here this weekend. The firm is hosting–"_

_"My dad needs me more," she cut him off. She couldn't care less about his damn firm. "Don't make me choose between you, because you won't like my answer," she spat out in a warning as anger rose within her. "You know, instead of being so goddamned selfish, you could also offer to come with me. Yet all these months, the thought never even occurred to you, because your firm is more important to you than my dying father."_

_Her words blindsided him. It _had_ occurred to him, but something always came up at work. Having been so preoccupied with his job, time kept slipping by. But as he saw it, the firm was all he had to provide for them. If he couldn't provide for them, how would they live? Surely, she understood this, but when he had thrown that back at her, a whole new argument had ensued._

_All the weekends she had spent in Connecticut, he had hated being apart from her. He promised he would go with her next time, but it was too little too late. Her dad passed away that Thursday._

_Jim Paulsen had fallen ill several months before. Chemo, surgery, radiation, the man was put through it all even though his chances were small to begin with. In the end, his heart just gave out. Donna's mom, Clara, was not capable of caring for him all by herself, so Donna had spent more and more time in Connecticut, helping out wherever she could._

_The aftermath of her dad's death had been hard. Her mother moved in with her widowed sister, no longer able to live without assistance, though not wanting to move into a retirement home, either. The elderly ladies were well taken care of, but it meant Donna had to help with the move, sorting through all of her parent's belongings, what to bring, what to give to charity, what to throw away. Childhood memories were everywhere and the whole deal had been tough._

_Through __the whole ordeal__, Harvey had mostly stayed on the sidelines. He would always ask how things were going and would occasionally try to cheer her up, but she needed more. She needed someone to help her with the day-to-day matters and Harvey was nowhere to be found. Having been alone for so long meant she _could_ handle it by herself. But wasn't that what being in a relationship was all about? That you didn't _have to_ do it all by yourself anymore?_

_Harvey had been at the funeral with her, but she knew there was a reason why he kept his distance. Her dad's passing reminded him of losing his own father. Nevertheless, this wasn't about Harvey. He of all people should know what she was going through, but Harvey had never gotten along with her dad. Then again, Harvey had put in little effort to better the relationship, and Jim had hidden behind the notion he was happy if Donna was; both men too stubborn for their own good. What hurt most was Harvey withholding any emotion once his future father-in-law had passed away.__ As if he didn't care._

_As expected, when she'd confronted him about it, he had denied it. Telling her he was doing the best he could._

_If it hadn't been for her, Harvey would have missed out on his own dad's funeral. That's the kind of man she was with. What did she expect from someone who still struggled with expressing his feelings and who could turn them off at the drop of a hat? Was it even fair to want something from him she knew he couldn't give her?_

_Coming home after work, she often found herself alone, with Harvey working long hours, trying to keep his new firm afloat and being very unhappy in the process. Loneliness was starting to creep into her consciousness and it terrified her._

_One night a few weeks after the funeral, they were sitting in front of their fireplace, when Donna finally broke down. Months of ignored grief, hurt and anger were released in a flurry of sobs and painful truths._

_"I feel like I haven't been able to breathe for a very long time, Harvey. Ever since we've been together, it's been one mountain after another to climb. First the fall of the old firm, then your new firm, my new job, now my dad. I feel like I've been in this all by myself lately and I can't do it anymore. We haven't had a real chance to start building our future and somehow we're always waiting for things to settle down and they never do. We're engaged, for God's sake. But it's been two and a half years, Harvey..." She futilely wiped at her steady stream of tears, her voice shattering. "I just need a break."_

_"What are you saying?" He looked at her closely, scared to death that she would enjoy being away from him, afraid she might never return. He hated that she wanted to time apart at all. At the same time, he also knew forcing her to stay would be equally disastrous._

_She didn't say anything else. She only cried. And he held her._

_Soon after hitting her low point, she booked a plane ticket to Paris. Two weeks by herself, miles away from everyone and everything. She came back rejuvenated with new insights into her and Harvey's relationship. Some time to her herself had given her much needed perspective._

_Being able to finally talk about everything that had happened and her disappointment in Harvey, she said, "You make it so hard to love you, sometimes."_ _To her, it meant even though he was worthy of love, it wasn't always easy, but she was willing to love him regardless. To him is sounded like he was unlovable._

_Her statement stayed with him, confirming him in his biggest fear. And it signaled the beginning of the end._

_He subconsciously withdrew from the relationship._

* * *

Knowing he would follow her, she stalked out of the door, ready for a fight.

"Donna, please." He trailed behind her out into the street. The warmth of the sun and the noise of midday traffic refocused his senses and rearranged his priorities. Not above begging, he hoped she would hear him out. "Can we please talk?" he yelled to her backside.

She turned on her heel to face him, her expression hard, even when she saw his red-rimmed eyes.

He froze dead in his tracks.

"No, Harvey. It's too late." Without an explanation, she spun around, walked away and never looked back.

The conviction in her tone tore him apart. He never thought he could lose something he didn't have, and still this felt like her abandoning him all over again. He almost watched her form disappear into the crowd, tracking the bob of her fiery ponytail. Until he saw her enter a building up the block. Hope rose in his chest. Maybe he hadn't lost her completely just yet.

Inspired, Harvey jogged up the street until he came to stand in front of a small theater. The unlit marquee spelled out 'Bellevue' in golden letters. The eighties-era structure appeared to be closed, but he was sure this was the building she had disappeared into. A theater would also make sense if she was acting again. He looked around and found Big John's Gym across the way; the one he had Googled that morning and where he had parked his rental before going on his coffee hunt.

What were the chances?

With no other options but to wait, he crossed the street.

* * *

The place reminded Harvey of his own gym back in New York. The wide front doors were open at all times. Something that did not go unnoticed by him, because it allowed a perpetual view of the theater's entrance. People were scattered throughout the space, training, fighting. Music was pumping through the speakers while punching bags were being hit. He felt at home immediately.

Three men were standing together near the door and Harvey walked up to them. Hand extended, he introduced himself to the trio. They varied in size. The biggest of the group was Adrian, with his bald head and a scar above his eye. The middle-sized man was Anthony, or Tony to his friends. And foes. He had a crew cut and a menacing look that even Harvey found intimidating. The shortest one, Tyler, though muscular, looked like he deserved to be in a boxing league of his own, reaching all the way up to Harvey's… bicep.

The men scrutinized him but were each impressed with his physique and his handshake. Pleasantries were exchanged and Harvey inquired about training there for the week, explaining he was from out of town. Adrian suggested he go see Big John himself. Harvey thanked the man and glanced over his shoulder across the street where the door to the theater opened. He held his breathe, momentarily forgetting where he was or what he was doing.

"You looking for someone, buddy?" Tony interjected, peering at Harvey questionably.

"Yes. No, well…" Harvey stammered. "It's complicated," he admitted.

Tyler jumped in with a high-pitched voice. "Man, I get it. I've seen those women and damn, they're hot!" He bit his fist.

"They have a new actress," Tony added. "Redhead. What I wouldn't give to fu—"

He never got to finish his sentence, because Harvey reached for the man's throat, folding his fingers and squeezing. "You better watch your words," he growled. Menacing or not, this asshole needed to shut it.

Immediately, he felt two pairs of hands pull on his shoulders.

"Easy there, big guy," Adrian said as they peeled him off without any resistance.

Harvey realized he could be in some serious trouble for attacking a stranger, but lucky for him, the guys understood where he was coming from. And you just did not hit on another man's girl.

"I'm sorry, man." Harvey apologized immediately. "It's a long story." He rubbed his face, needing to get a grip and not choke the first person who even dared to mention Donna. His Donna. _Shit_.

He extended his hand once more to Tony. "Wanna go a few rounds?"

With a smirk on his lips, Tony accepted the invitation. He'd kick this guy's ass for that little stunt. "You're on."

At least Harvey now knew where Donna spend some of her time. The knowledge brightened his mood like sunshine after rain. He would win her back. No matter what.

* * *

As soon as Donna reached the Bellevue, she went into one of the dressing rooms, locked the door and cried. She had been blindsided by Harvey's presence, the sadness in his eyes, the broken voice informing her he'd lost his mom. How he missed _her_. Goddammit! Why was he here? Well, she knew that, but why did she have to run into him? The desire to tell someone was ravenous, because she felt like screaming.

"Donna! Oh my God, you won't believe what Billy just did." Her friend on the other line was cheery, but when Donna didn't respond, Rachel felt something was wrong. "Donna? Are you okay?"

More silence. Rachel listened intently for any sign when she heard a soft sob.

"Donna please talk to me. What's going on?" A million things ran through Rachel's mind and the longer the silence stretched on, the worse the scenarios in her head became.

"He's here, Rach," Donna managed to utter.

Not connecting the dots just yet, Rachel wracked her brain. It couldn't possibly be Harvey, could it?

"Donna, who's there, sweetie?"

"Harvey," she rasped. Saying his name out loud felt strange and familiar, and it brought a new lump up to her throat, blocking her airway.

Rachel gasped audibly. "How did he find out you were in Santa Monica?" She was convinced Mike had kept his mouth shut.

"I don't know, Rach, all I know is that I ran into him just now. Apparently, his mom died and they are scattering the ashes here. I don't know what to do." Desperate didn't even begin to cover what she was feeling.

Lily's passing wasn't exactly news to Rachel. Harvey had called Mike when the woman had been diagnosed and he had informed him when she passed away, but she had kept from telling Donna, knowing better than to mention Harvey again. "What else did he say?" Rachel was enthralled. How in the world had he found out where she lived? If her husband had told him, she would kill him personally. After the baby was born, though. She still needed those foot massages like she needed oxygen.

The other end of the line stayed quiet and Rachel's unease grew. Donna had struggled so hard to get where she was now. She had seen what it had taken out of her friend. Pissed at Harvey, she really hoped he would let it go. Let _her_ go and move on with her life.

"Not much. He was just being Harvey. Hopefully I'll never see him again." It wasn't like he had her number, or address or anything. "But it was so weird to see him here, Rach." Another pause. "I'll be fine. I just needed to tell someone."

The wall Donna put up was a familiar one and Rachel had learned that pressing her friend was a bad idea. So, she let it go, making a mental note to check in on her friend regularly. "Well, call me anytime, okay? I love you."

"Love you, too."

Ending the call, Donna stared at her phone. She hadn't noticed the crack in the display. That must have happened when she had dropped it earlier. Goddamn Harvey.

About five minutes later, Donna received a text from Mike.

_I swear I didn't tell him. So sorry. Love you._

Donna was never able to focus during the afternoon rehearsals. She couldn't stop thinking about her conversation with Harvey and how she had handled it. Naturally, she had envisioned a scenario like today, but in her mind, she had always stayed in control, never losing her composure. Sadly, that wasn't how their reunion had played out. Emotions had gotten the better of her the moment her name left his lips. How did he still have so much power over her? And when he had insinuated she should be there for him after scattering the ashes… God! A new wave of anger crashed into her. The nerve! She huffed in annoyance, unwilling to listen to that little voice telling her that perhaps she had misunderstood. But the voice grew louder until it screamed and she could no longer ignore the message. Had he asked her to be there _for_ him? Or had he just wanted to meet with her? His suggestion had definitely touched on some old wounds and out of self-preservation she had reacted instead of listened. She wrecked her brain trying to recall the exact words, but all she remembered was how she'd felt, not what he'd said.

Would she be okay if running into him was only a one-time thing? Or did she want to talk to him? For too long that question hadn't been relevant. No contact whatsoever was easy. But now… If she were honest, she had to admit, seeing him again after all this time, on some level, had felt really good. He was family. Always had been. And you couldn't turn your back on family forever, right? But she had no way of reaching him, unless she asked Mike for his number, which she had told herself she would never do. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe she could leave their next encounter up to fate.

* * *

Harvey and Tony were in the ring together, but Harvey was no match for the agile fighter and he had to throw in the towel after taking a painful hit to his jaw, breaking the skin of his lower lip.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt alive, animated. Blood pumping through his veins, his muscles strong, his head straight. So, he continued working out, until he was spent, his entire body covered in sweat.

"Hey Harvey, isn't that your redhead?" Adrian yelled across the gym. In a flash, Harvey was at the door, catching sight of Donna walking down the street, the same way she had left him a couple of hours earlier. He took off after her without thinking, yelling to the guys behind him he'd see them tomorrow.

"Donna!" He had quite a few people to pass before he caught up with her, while also trying to take off the gloves he was still wearing.

She heard his voice calling her name for the second time that day and tried to ignore him. _Fate my ass_, she thought. However, once he was in front of her, she couldn't exactly avoid him. Thankfully, the initial shock of seeing him had worn off, but, as it turned out, she wasn't prepared for what she was about to find, either.

Harvey was coated in a thin layer of sweat, bigger drops running all along his forehead and his lip was bleeding. He was tugging at one of the boxing gloves that still covered his hand. A wet, black muscle shirt hugged his torso tightly, his chest rising and falling at a fast pace. His upper arms were well defined and larger than she remembered them. So were his underarms, glistening in the afternoon sun. Gray, cotton shorts hugged his hips and apparently, he never skipped leg day. He looked _fine._ And she was staring. _Shit_.

"You like what you see?" he smirked at her unapologetic stare, finally getting his hand free. The knowledge that he could still turn her on was intoxicating and filled him with hope.

Caught red handed, Donna almost forgot she was mad at him for showing up here. It was also easy to forget they weren't _them_ anymore and banter like this was no longer appropriate. She heaved, looking at his cocky face with exasperation.

"Are you following me?" she asked, her brows drawn, feeling composed and in control, unlike this morning.

She tried to walk past him, but he stepped in front of her.

Crossing her arms, she wordlessly dared him to speak as people had to make their way around them in the busy street. Her heart started beating faster and she had to remember to breathe.

"Please have dinner with me tonight? Or just drinks. Whatever you want. I would just really like to talk to you." He didn't mean to push her. Not too much, anyway.

Every reason not to agree passed Donna's mind. Each new reason better than the previous one. But he was _here_. She could smell him, his scent throwing her off her game. Too many memories were connected to that luscious aroma. Too many great memories. Honestly, with him standing before her now, she missed his friendship the most, they way they used to always have each other's backs. And it wasn't like they were getting back together or anything. She wasn't exactly single. So, maybe they could meet as old friends.

Harvey wiped the sweat from his face, anxiously awaiting her reply, staring into her hazel eyes with a pleading look. If she turned him down, he would just be back tomorrow.

"Fine. One drink."

Boundaries. She had to have boundaries. This would happen on her terms, so she quickly thought of a place to go, not yet ready to tell him where she lived or to give him her number. "Meet me at the North Entrance of the pier at eight."

Harvey's lips curled into a wide smile that reached his eyes. Victory. "Thanks, Donna." Relief washed over him, loosening the knot in his chest.

Donna just sighed as a small smile found her lips, too. Shaking her head, she continued on her way and this time Harvey let her go. Unsure of what she was feeling, all she could think about was getting home and trying to make sense of all this.


	3. Santa Anas

_A/N: Another long chapter, but I felt I needed to establish where they were as people and for some reason I couldn't do it any other way. I included another flashback, but it's all still very angsty, but I promise some more fluff for the next chapter (maybe...). Thanks for all the reviews and please keep them coming. I love to hear what you think._

* * *

**3\. Santa Anas**

The roar of the boat's engine rumbled loudly as it left the marina. Seagulls were cawing above in a clear blue sky as a warm wind crawled up Harvey's skin. It felt different from the ones back East, making him feel edgy.

He wanted to get this over with.

The small boat—able to hold ten people tops—pulled out of Marina Del Rey with only Harvey, Marcus, Bobby and the captain on board. Sunset was about forty-five minutes away, giving them ample chance to get far enough out to sea. The captain explained that they would have some time to spend on the water before heading back. Since neither one of the three men was in the right frame of mind for a very long and drawn out ceremony, they had decided it would only be the scattering of her ashes and then to shore again.

The mood on board was grim, each man individually dealing with the loss of Lily and having to say their final goodbyes.

For Harvey, a profound feeling of gratitude dominated in the knowledge he had made amends with his mom. The years spent with her on decent terms had returned a piece of himself he'd believed lost forever. All because Donna had encouraged him to forgive her. Donna. Everything good in his life always traced back to her.

Lily had been very fond of the redhead, too, and was heartbroken when Harvey had told her about the breakup. Seeing him crumble in front of her, she had cried with her suffering son and had taken him in when he was no longer able to go on without the love of his life by his side. In the aftermath of Donna's departure, their bond had only intensified.

"I saw Donna today," Harvey said, breaking the tense silence.

Bobby looked at him with a surprised expression, while Marcus nearly tumbled overboard.

"I thought you guys weren't talking," Marcus stated, carefully eyeing his big brother.

He had seen firsthand what the split had done to Harvey; turning a strong, powerful, caring man into a broken and sometimes bitter figure that only resembled the once mighty Harvey Specter.

"We weren't, but it turns out she lives here now. I saw her at this coffee shop, here in Santa Monica." He couldn't hide his own perplexity at the coincidence, relaying the events of this afternoon. "I mean, what are the odds?" Harvey continued, finding his brother's stare. "I'm meeting her tonight. We're having drinks."

"Really? You guys getting back together?" Marcus asked, surprised.

"No!" His immediate reaction was one he'd taught himself to have whenever he would think about Donna. Often times, he couldn't even be honest with himself, because the agony was too great, but pain had become such a big part of his existence, resisting it had drained his spirit and there was no fight left in him. "I don't know."

"Would you want to?" Marcus observed his brother curiously, knowing how much Harvey had loved her and probably still did.

"More than anything." Being candid about this was not only easy, it also seemed to lift the veil that had darkened his soul for too long.

"I hope you get your wish, son," Bobby added, having listened to the entire conversation. "I've seen you two together. You always clearly loved each other deeply. That doesn't just go away, no matter how many miles she put between you."

"Thanks, Bobby." Listening to the older man gave Harvey a tiny bit of hope. There was no doubt he still loved Donna. Perhaps she still loved him, too.

Marcus cut in. "Maybe it was mom's plan all along. Maybe that's why she wanted her ashes scattered here, so you and Donna would find each other again."

Before today, Harvey would have waved it off like some sappy bullshit people told themselves to make them feel better. But running into Donna had been a one-in-a-million chance of happening, and yet it had. There was no explanation for it. Who was he to say it wasn't his mom looking out for her son in a way she never had the opportunity to before?

"Yeah. Maybe," he said absentmindedly.

The sky was slowly turning to different shades of auburn, as Harvey stared at the horizon bouncing up and down, thinking back on all the times he had taken Donna up to Boston with him and how she and Lily had gotten along, bonding over their love for him. But now his mom was gone, and Donna had moved over twenty-five hundred miles away from him, leaving him alone and heartbroken. Water welled up in his eyes. He felt miserable—had felt miserable for a long while—but unlike before he saw no reason to hide it any longer, so for the second time that day he let the tears flow, feeling an aching pain in his heart, and despair that agonizing sorrow was the only thing left to feel for the rest of his days.

Marcus put an arm around him, seeing how Harvey was struggling to cope, when his own tears began to find their way down his cheeks and the men cried together.

* * *

The North Entrance of the pier was a good forty-minute walk from her house, but she welcomed the activity, because walking always gave her time to reflect. She had wrapped her cardigan around her body, but soon found that she was sweating, the Santa Ana winds smothering her, making her skin itch and her nerves jump.

She wasn't sure what she was expecting of tonight. Would they discuss their breakup or keep it light? The latter seemed rather impossible, the way he had blurted out how he'd missed her. However, Harvey was grieving. There was no telling how she would find him.

Approaching the wooden boardwalk, she quickly spotted his form, sitting on a bench, facing away from her. He was wearing a navy blue sweater and a pair of black slacks, his mind preoccupied as he stared off into the distance. She inhaled deeply and willed her body to calm down, though her heart beat like crazy, the thing pulsing in her throat the closer she came.

"You owe me a new phone." She appeared before him, device extended to show him the display, the corners of her mouth moving upwards slightly.

Harvey stood up, not sure of how to greet her. Maybe touching was not yet an option, but he longed to just hug her.

Reading her body language, he decided against it. "No problem. If you give me your number. Your old one seems to be out of order," he countered, glancing at her with a soft smile. Even though she had clearly broken his state of trance, he'd had a quick comeback.

"Blackmail. Some things never change." Her smile quickly faded as Donna scanned his face.

Those sunken eyes held so much more bereavement than they'd had this afternoon. When he had stood before her, all sweaty and determined, he had looked energized, invigorated. Right now, he appeared drained of any and all vitality.

She parked herself on the bench Harvey had previously occupied, turning towards him as he took a seat beside her.

Instead of asking if he was okay, she just asked, "How was it?"

"It was beautiful. I'm glad we got to do this for her." He stared at his hands in silence.

"How are Marcus and Bobby doing?" She hoped he would open up to her a little, knowing that besides his brother he probably didn't have anyone to talk to and simultaneously finding it easy to fall back into that role again.

"They're doing okay, considering. I told them about you. Marcus almost fell out of the boat," he chuckled at the memory of his brother's reaction.

"Poor Marcus." Donna laughed as the image played in her head.

Seeing and hearing her laugh left Harvey longing for the days when they had worked together, day in, day out, side by side. How he had taken little things like her laughter for granted. Then again, they used to share _everything_, yet here they sat as strangers.

"I'll tell you this. I could really use a drink." Harvey was exhausted. Today had been nothing but bizarre. Running into Donna, sparring with his new buddies at the gym, scattering his mom's ashes and now being with Donna again. It had been a roller coaster in more ways than one, and he was spent.

"I know a place. Come on."

He followed her as she made her way through the crowd, walking towards Colorado Avenue, away from the pier. Moving through the sounds of jubilant tourists, he felt lost, guided only by the ethereal light Donna provided as she effortlessly flowed through the stream of people, eventually pointing to where they were headed. The door of the joint was barely noticeable, except for a sign that simply said 'Bar'.

As they entered, Harvey scanned the room and knew why she'd brought him there. It was the kind of place he'd always liked. It had a fifties style Rat Pack vibe with carpet lining the walls and mirrors on the ceiling. The lights were low, creating a hushed environment. There was a piano in the corner, but no singer. Soft soul music was playing. Scattered around were several locals and a few lost tourists who were enjoying their evening. Nothing too fancy or loud. Or intimate.

They chose a booth in the back and soon after a waiter brought over some waters and took their orders.

The moment the young man moved away from their table, an uncomfortable silence cloaked them while they each waited for the other to speak—neither knowing where to start or simply what to say, because there was too much left unsaid and too few words to speak.

"How long are you staying here?" Donna finally asked, desperate to break the ice.

"Can't wait to get rid of me already?" He was only half joking, itching for that drink.

"Harvey," she warned gently. Him being testy with her was the last thing she needed.

"A week. I'm flying home on Sunday. I have to be back at work on Monday." Even though he'd much rather stay, especially now that he had learned Donna was living in Santa Monica.

"Are you and Alex still working together?" She knew they weren't, but she didn't want him knowing she had unwillingly heard of their break through Mike.

She had been there when Harvey and Alex Williams had established their own firm after the old one had been dismantled—less than a year after she and Harvey had started dating. But Specter Williams had suffered from the start and its name bearers had suffered with it, putting in long hours, trying to keep it all together, sacrificing for something they weren't sure had a future.

"No. We went our separate ways shortly after you…" He paused, not wanting to remind her or himself again that her leaving had become a way of measuring time; there was now a before and after. "…after you left." He averted his eyes. "I work at another firm now as senior partner. My days of managing partner are definitely behind me."

The waiter returned with their drinks and Harvey downed half of his Macallan 18 in one gulp, the familiar taste soothing his nerves a bit, or maybe it was just the alcohol on his nearly empty stomach. He hadn't exactly been hungry after the ceremony. Coupled with his mental exhaustion and the combination became lethal when his barriers faltered and frustration boiled to the surface. "Do Mike and Rachel know you live here?"

Donna met his hard glare. "Yes, Harvey, they've always known." There was no need to hide the truth from him.

"Well, it's clear whose side they're on." Goddamn Mike. Another drink.

"There are no sides, Harvey. I asked them not to tell you and they respected my wishes." The annoyance in his tone grew and Donna braced herself mentally, watching him work his jaw as his facial muscles tightened.

"Why?" Rejection was evident in his voice, but he didn't care, desperate to _know_ if there was still a chance to make things right.

"Because I knew you would be on the next flight out here, trying to convince me to come back. And I couldn't…" She trailed off. Unwilling to finish that sentence. _Two down, eighteen to go, _she thought.

"You're probably right," he muttered into his tumbler.

He looked positively anguished, and she tried her best to keep it together.

"Are you ever coming back to New York?" He averted his gaze and stared into his glass, taking a final swallow and motioning to the waiter for a refill, steeling himself for her response.

"I don't know, Harvey." She eyed him carefully. What was he getting at?

"So, you're perfectly happy here?" The alcohol prompted him to press on. He didn't believe for a second that she was content not being in New York. Above all, the mere thought of her being able to experience happiness away from him crushed his soul.

The condescending tone of his voice had deep roots, and it was the pain from losing his mo— She stopped herself from making excuses for his behavior. If he was gonna be a jerk to her, that was on him. "I like my life here, yes. I've come a long way from being focused on a career to being focused on only doing the things that I enjoy, because there's so much more to life than work. And all I did in New York was work," she uttered more forcefully than intended, with a desire to convince him she was _fine_.

"So, what? Are you saying you haven't missed me at all?" He realized that all he wanted was for her to tell him she still loved him, like he still loved her. Today of all days, he just needed to hear it, knowing damn well the chances were practically zero. He also knew he was an asshole for pushing her, and he resented his yearning for her love.

Now it was Donna's turn to get upset.

"What do you think? You think it was easy for me to do what I did? To leave behind everything I'd ever worked for, my friends, my _best_ friend?" she sneered at him, swallowing back rising emotions.

He winced at the phrase _best friend_ as the waiter brought him his second Scotch.

"Do I need to remind you that you were the one that told me to go?" Anger snaked its way around her resolve, finally being able to say what she had wanted to for so long.

He had no witty comeback to that. If he could take those words back, he'd do so in a heartbeat. "I know," he said mournfully, dropping his gaze to his glass.

"The moment things got rough, you bailed. You stopped fighting for me. For us. But that's what you've always done, Harvey. Isn't it? So, yeah, I left." Bitterness pierced through her roiling retort before she slumped back in her seat, tears stinging her eyes.

* * *

_"Are you saying you're unhappy with me? With us?" His eyes were big and she could tell he was close to tears._

_Harvey could be so vulnerable one moment, and the next he'd return to indifference. Of course, it was all an act to keep her from seeing his true self—she knew it—but it still hurt. He and he alone was responsible for the choices he made and she wouldn't cover for him anymore._

_"All I'm trying to say is that things between us have been off, Harvey. And I don't know how to get us back on track. I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks. That's not like us." Fear shone in her eyes, feeling like they were headed for a cliff at top speed and the breaks were no longer working._

_Harvey knew that withholding sex was his way of punishing her. Ever since she'd returned from Paris, he had felt her slipping through his fingers. Or perhaps it was him pushing her away? Regardless, her comment about him being hard to love kept echoing in his mind, chipping away at their foundation as a committed couple._

_"Tell me honestly, Harvey, are you happy?" Her eyes pleaded with him to admit his feelings and confirm what she already knew to be true. "We fight constantly and ever since I got back from Paris, you have been acting differently. But you won't tell me what it is. I just don't know what else to do." On a whimper, she threw her hands up in defeat._

_"Yeah, well, maybe you should take another break, since you seemed to enjoy the last one so much." _Fuck! _He was definitely pushing as resentment for her need to be alone—to be away from him—rose to the surface and got the better of him._

_"Maybe I should." Because lately she felt like she was constantly chasing after his love, instead of receiving it unconditionally. It reminded her of when she had been his secretary and he would keep her at arm's length—close, but not close enough._

_"You want to leave again? Fine. Go. But don't come back this time." His voice trembled as frustration took him hostage, making him say things he didn't mean. He never meant for the words to sound so harsh. Especially when he saw the resignation on her face._

_It was the final straw._

_His message was like a dagger straight into her heart. She loved him, but if he would rather push her away than fight for what they had, there was nothing she could do to make him. The hardest part was that she recognized this pattern in him. He had never really fought for any of his other relationships. Still, she thought theirs might be different. Realizing it wasn't made it all the more painful and she could no longer carry on for the both of them._

_Leaving was no rash decision, but a long time coming._

_The next morning, she quit her job, booked a plane ticket, packed and shipped her most valuable things to Mike and Rachel and started packing a suitcase. She didn't want to drag out a break-up any longer than she had to._

_Waiting for him to get home were the most painful hours she ever spent. Yet she couldn't just leave him without saying goodbye._

_The moment he walked through the door and saw her luggage sitting there, he called out her name. _

_She materialized from the kitchen, wearing her overcoat, red-rimmed eyes telling him everything he didn't want to know._

_"Donna, what's going on?" He looked at her nervously, petrified that his worst nightmare was about to become reality._

_"I'm leaving, Harvey. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore."_

_Everything stopped as his whole world came crashing down._

_"No, Donna, you can't just leave." He reached for her arm, but she eluded his grasp. "Donna, please."_

_Seeing the panic in his eyes, she took a step forward and pressed a final kiss to his soft lips as tears streamed down her face. Lingering for a second longer, she inhaled him one last time. _

_His body was tense, frozen in place when she broke away._

_"I love you, Harvey."_

_Determination carried her over the threshold after she picked up her bags and headed for the elevator._

_He followed her but stopped in the doorway. His mind raced as his eyes filled with tears. No matter how much he wished he could fix whatever was broken, he knew that if she really wanted to go, he would let her. Because if he couldn't make her happy, she deserved to be with someone who could._

_"Where are you staying?" He watched her back as she waited._

_The elevator bell dinged a moment later and the swoosh sound of sliding metal was too loud in the quiet space. "Goodbye, Harvey." She stepped forward, luggage in tow, and as the doors closed, she all but dropped to her knees. _

_It had taken every ounce of strength she possessed to walk away from him, breaking her into a million pieces._

* * *

A deafening silence stretched between them, both lost in thought and emotions that had been buried deep for too long.

If they ever wanted closure, they needed to have this conversation, but being thrust into it with no real warning proved challenging at best.

Donna was right. He had never fought for any of his relationships, because as he saw it, whenever someone left, he may have still been partially to blame, but it was _their_ decision to go. Hours of therapy had made him see that when it came to responsibility, he didn't want to have any. In his mind, Harvey had been responsible for his parents' divorce and Marcus gambling addiction and that was enough to never want any more of it in his personal relationships. That's also why he valued loyalty so much, because that was a two-way street and if someone betrayed him, he could hold that person accountable.

The only way to start healing was to own up to his part in their demise. Soft and low he explained, "You know, in all my relationships, I always kept things to myself. With Scottie it was Mike's secret, with Paula it was mostly details of our history. With you, I was so afraid of losing you…" He trailed off, finding the words. "Everything changed so fast after the old firm collapsed. I felt like I couldn't get a grip on anything. I even started having panic attacks again. And then your dad got sick and I just couldn't handle it. I'm so sorry, Donna. I should have been there for you." Harvey swallowed another drink, the alcohol burning his already sore throat.

His sincerity took Donna by surprise as she looked at him in horror.

"You said that panic attack was only a onetime thing." Had he hidden his panic attacks from her? Had she been so preoccupied with her own problems she had missed it?

"I thought that if you really knew how I felt, how terrified I was of not being enough for you, not being able to provide for us, you would see me as weak and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. And when you told me you found it hard to love me, something snapped." Thinking back to how he had felt hearing her say those words, brought him close to tears. Again. He fought it with all he had, because he was so done crying. He should run out of tears at some point, right? At least he'd said his piece.

Donna just looked at him dejectedly, her vision slowly starting to blur. Here was the man she had loved more than life itself, explaining to her how he had experienced their relationship and she had been so caught up in her own emotional turmoil, she hadn't even seen it, let alone deal with it.

"I'm sorry, too, Harvey." Her voice trembled. "If I had known what you were going through, I would have been more supportive. I'm sorry you felt you had to hide things from me."

"That's the thing, Donna. You've always just known. You were always able to see what was going on with me, usually before I even knew. And when that stopped, it was so easy for me to just bury my feelings."

Harvey surprised himself with his honesty, but he had nothing left to lose. Patterns had been broken. All that mattered now was making sure Donna knew he was genuinely remorseful about how things had turned out. And he had a feeling she did, too.

"If I could go back, I would do it all differently." Having had enough time to think about this, it felt good to finally say the words out loud. To her. "You just deserved so much better than I could give you," he added softly, as he twirled the liquid in his glass around, waiting for her to agree.

"Harvey." She paused for him to look at her. "All I ever wanted was you."

When their eyes met, the air around them cleared, being able to really see the other for the first time in what felt like forever, without any barriers between them.

As if struck by lightning, Harvey sat forward, leaning on the table.

"Then let me back in. Let's try this again. Just you and me," he cajoled.

She looked at him, puzzled. "What are you saying?"

"I could move out here, we could start over, together."

Stunned at his sudden change in disposition, she stared at him blankly. "I'm seeing someone, Harvey." Almost apologetic in her confession, she tried not to linger on his proposition.

He smiled as he kicked himself for his own absurdity, animation leaving his spirit as quickly as it had found him. He should have known. "I'm sorry. I'm not the best company tonight," he said ruefully, with no desire for any further details as he sat back.

"That's okay, Harvey. I get it. But I'm glad we finally had this conversation." She tried to brush his comments off as him hurting, not wanting to think about the implications his remarks had.

"Me too." Although he smiled, it never really reached his eyes.

Feeling like their evening had come to an end, Harvey motioned for the waiter to bring the check. He fumbled for his wallet and waited. Thinking about how their encounter had gone, all he knew was that he wanted to see her again. Confronting her had been incredibly hard, but it had made him realize how much he missed talking to her; how her presence eased him, no matter where they stood as people.

He pulled out one of his business cards, offering it to her.

Donna looked at him hesitantly.

"Will you call me? I know it's a lot to ask, but I would really like to see you again."

At that exact moment, the waiter showed up with the check. Donna took the card and put it in her purse, not confirming or denying she would.

* * *

As they stepped into the night, the Santa Ana's blanketed them, but something in the air had changed.

"Do you need a ride?" Harvey offered, thinking he was in no state to drive and would take a cab back.

"No, I can walk. I like walking." She definitely needed a walk after this to clear her head.

Realizing they were headed in opposite directions, this was the point of goodbye.

"Thanks, Donna." Harvey felt uneasy, wanting to embrace her, but still feeling a distance there.

"It was good seeing you, Harvey." She started to turn away, but her name on his lips coaxed her to face him one last time.

When her eyes met his, she instinctively knew what he wished for. Because she wanted the same thing. And even though giving in to the desire scared her more than she could explain, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his wide frame, welcoming his embrace.

Harvey drew her in, exhaling in relief, melting his body against hers. If it were up to him, he would stand here for hours just holding her, inhaling her essence, feeling how her breasts pressed against his chest and her breath brushed over his neck. He had missed her so goddamned much. How in the world had he ever managed without her in his life?

The scent of his cologne tingled her nose as their hearts beat in unison, reminding her of everything he had once been to her: boss, lover, friend. Her universe. Embracing him felt comfortable.

He felt like _home_.

Overcome by a sudden feeling of overwhelming sadness, she stepped out of his arms. "Goodnight, Harvey." And with those words, she walked away.


	4. Sand

**_Warning:_**_ M-rated content._

* * *

**4\. Sand**

She stood leaning against his Mustang, waiting for him to return. In the night's breeze, his gym outfit felt light, his big shoulders moving with the long steps he took, anxious to get to her.

The dark parking lot was otherwise deserted. An orchestra of crickets flowed through the air as a million stars above kept a full moon company.

The tight, white dress that she wore made her red hair flash like a warning sign in the pale moonlight, drawing him in with desire-filled eyes. Unable to resist her siren call, he slowed his pace as he approached, willing to obey her every command.

She let him draw near, their bodies just an inch apart. "Come here," she rasped, motioning him towards her lips.

Their mouths met, pushing into each other, while her hands kept his hips at bay. She bit his lower lip, sucking on it, forcing dominance.

Slowly, her right palm traveled to the front of his shorts, cupping him, caressing his already forming erection while her other hand maintained their distance. Traveling upwards, fingers found the waistband and slipped inside, palming his hardening length, eliciting an involuntary moan from his lips.

He cursed his own need and pressed his forehead against hers, looking between their bodies at how she was now slowly pumping him, the deep cut of her dress showing just enough cleavage to drive him wild.

Jaws clenched, he took in the sensation she was providing. He wanted to touch her, pleasure her, bury himself inside of her until she screamed his name, but instinct told him he couldn't. "Let me touch you," he pleaded.

"No," she said, her voice sultry yet forceful.

It made him even harder.

Over and over she stroked his sensitive flesh, from base to tip and back down, adding pressure along the way, rubbing her thumb over him until she felt a slight discharge and he cursed in her ear.

She allowed his kiss until he had to break apart for air, needing to focus but losing control. Fast. So, he dropped his head to her shoulder. Bent forward, his gaze was glued to how her breasts bounced with each stroke, keeping himself from touching them with every ounce of strength he had. Because she had told him not to. Regardless, his body strained at the touch she denied him.

"Are you going to come for me?" she drawled, nibbling on his earlobe.

He almost came.

"I want you to come for me." The demand was soft but urgent and she pulled on him harder, squeezing the tip gently and flicking her wrist every time she reached the end of his shaft, increasing pressure and speed. "Come for me, Harvey."

Through gritted teeth he let out a guttural moan. "Fuck." A release was fast approaching, so he braced himself against the car, breathing her in. Her delicate fingers applied exactly the right friction as one hand teased his balls.

She knew him so well.

He nuzzled her neck, kissing her bare shoulder. Biting softly. She felt his lower abdomen contract and realized he was almost there. "Come, Harvey," she coaxed. "Do it for me." Covering her lips with his mouth, she let their tongues find each other.

The fierceness of their kiss scorched him.

When the orgasm hit, his entire body went rigid, his hips jerking of their own volition. His breathing was ragged and uneven as he rode out his orgasm, letting Donna milk him till he had poured every last drop of seed out of his aching body.

With a deep desire to tangle his hands in her hair, he found his boxing gloves still on. Confused, he asked, "Why won't you let me in?" He looked at her now, heartbreak overtaking from pleasure. "Please let me in."

All she did was stare at him with a smirk on her face.

Harvey woke with a jolt, a sticky wetness around his groin indicating that his dream had been more than just his imagination.

A headache was pounding inside his skull like a drummer on XTC and as his erection subsided, a mournful sigh escaped his throat. She really did have him by the balls.

Struggling to untangle his hands, which had somehow wrapped themselves in his bedsheets, he reached for his phone, checking to see if anyone had called and shoving his disappointment aside when he only had a missed call and text from Marcus.

_She_ would call him eventually.

Marcus' message informed him they were meeting for lunch at 1 pm at the marina, this time with Natalie and the kids there, too. _Great_. Putting up a brave front and being sociable was exactly what he didn't need. Yesterday had been one of the hardest days in his entire life, and he felt raw from the experience, with a desperate desire to hide away and wallow in misery for a day. Or seven.

The digits on his display read 9:53. He figured it was time to make a phone call of his own.

"Harvey. How are you, buddy? I was gonna give you a call tonight. I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."

The voice on the other end sounded wary. And as selfish as he was feeling at the moment, Mike had every right to be on guard, because Harvey was determined to get some answers.

"Forget it, Mike. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Listen, I'm about to go into a meeting. Can I call you later? I'll explain everything."

"Mike…" Harvey didn't want to wait. He needed to talk to someone about this. More importantly, he wanted to talk to Mike about the situation he found himself in. Sure, they hadn't been in touch much in the last year, but he still considered him a close friend.

The background noises on the other end of the line were muted after the sound of a door closing.

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I know I should have told you where Donna was, but she made me promise not to say anything. She wasn't in a good place, Harvey," he added, hoping the non-explanation would suffice for now as he waited for a response.

Harvey let the words sink in. The only reason Mike would have kept this from him was if he had been protecting Donna. "How bad was it?" His voice was careful, as if he were bracing for impact.

"It was bad, Harvey. I've never seen anyone in that much pain."

Harvey snorted audibly at Mike's remarks. Like the ordeal had been a fucking picnic for him. But Mike hadn't witnessed his suffering, because he hadn't been there.

A confusing mixture of anger and sadness settled in his bones. Although his friend had let him down, he also knew why Mike had kept his mouth shut. And he couldn't stay mad at him for loving Donna enough to hide this.

"Thanks, Mike." For at least being there for _her_.

"How are you doing?"

The sincerity in Mike's voice made it all the more difficult to answer, and Harvey swallowed thickly. "I've been better." The sigh he exhaled stretched into a silence he was desperate to fill. However, finding words to convey how messed up his life was without sounding pathetic proved harder than expected. "It was just so weird seeing her again, Mike."

"I'm sure it was." As much as Mike wanted to continue this conversation, duty called when his assistant peeked into the room he had isolated himself in. "Listen, I really have to go. I have a deposition in five minutes. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine." Harvey bluffed. "I'll talk to you later." And with that, he ended the call.

_It was bad, Harvey. I've never seen anyone in that much pain. _The words ricocheted through his chest. Had he really thought she had been fine from day one? The notion had made his own pain more bearable, somehow. It had been one less thing to worry about. If he'd known the truth, he wouldn't have been able to breathe.

When he and Donna had parted yesterday, she had clearly been affected by his embrace. He knew her well enough to know that she too was struggling with their encounter after all this time. Wishing he could make the situation all easier for her, he decided that he wouldn't seek her out today. She knew how to reach him if she wanted to talk.

* * *

Donna's morning had not begun like most of her mornings.

The night before, she had perched herself on the sand near the shore, just outside of her home. It had been a while since she had last cried _that_ many tears, but they kept rolling down her face like a waterfall and she'd let them.

Donna had always been able to see right through others and help them see the situation at hand, though often failing to apply that magic to her own life. How had she missed so much of what Harvey had been going through? Had she really been that blinded by her own emotions and his failure to support her? Denying her own feelings for him for over a decade had done something to her ability to let people in, especially Harvey. As soon as he had started pulling away, she had fallen right back into her old patterns of self-preservation. Looking back now, it really seemed like everything had been working against them—not just their own baggage.

So, she had welcomed the tears. For all she had lost and still longed for till this day.

Harvey was so much more to her than just an ex, which made being around him again so goddamn hard. Because everything they had once been no longer existed. They had felt like strangers until their embrace; when he had felt like everything she would ever need in life.

How she wished she could be there for him now, in his time of mourning. If only she wasn't so damn scared. Scared of getting hurt again if he came too close. Scared of losing him all over again if he didn't.

So, she had sat in the sand, staring at his business card, the digits imprinting in her brain. She would call him or at least text him at some point. She just needed to figure out what to say. Right now, her emotions were all over the place and she needed time to let them settle.

That night, sleep eluded her, tossing and turning, itching for some relief from this uneasiness. By the time the sun rose, she had just dozed off.

Donna woke from a strange dream she couldn't quite recall, but one which left her feeling exhausted. Checking the time, she realized it was now too late for yoga and she needed to hurry if she was gonna make it to rehearsals. Having already missed some of yesterday afternoon's, Donna was determined to go back in today. Harvey's presence in Santa Monica was not going to turn her entire life upside down.

* * *

Not one for spending the day indoors, Harvey decided he'd go for a ride to clear his head. Canceling on lunch with his brother, he felt the Pacific Coast Highway was as good a place as any to just spend the afternoon when you're trying to make sense of your life. Driving always provided the comfort of being alone, with no place to be and miles to go. He really liked California, too. The weather was something he definitely could get used to and things seemed a bit more laid back than the hustle and bustle of New York City, something he hadn't expected to like.

Pulling in to a lookout along the route, Harvey parked the car and got out.

The sun was high in the sky as he took a seat on a rock overlooking the ocean. There weren't many people around, except for a group of friends and an elderly couple. Harvey greeted the pair holding hands as they passed him by. There had been a time when he had thought he would grow old with Donna and spend their golden years together, traveling, having fun, just enjoying each other's company. Now the thought of growing old wasn't all that appealing.

For so long, Donna had just been a memory to him. A very painful, beautiful memory he felt grateful to have at all. But now she was no longer in his past and very much a part of his present. The change made him reconsider every choice he'd made in the past two years. He wasn't happy in New York. In fact, the location didn't matter much at all. As long as she wasn't with him, his life really didn't mean shit.

Unfortunately, she was seeing someone. He felt like an asshole for not having asked any questions about it. What did he really know about her current situation? He knew she frequented a theater. But that was about all he knew, because he'd never cared to ask. Yet he had told her about his mom and what he was doing here and how hard a time he was having. _Way to go, Specter_. You can't live without her, yet you don't even care what's going on with her. How do you expect her to ever reconcile with you if you keep acting like this? _Goddammit!_ Why did he always get so caught up in his own bullshit, he would forget about the people closest to him? And had he learned nothing? His self-importance had been elemental in their relationship coming apart at the seams.

_Goddammit, Harvey, I need you to choose me over the firm for once._

There had been so many moments.

_My dad died. I'm going to Connecticut. I don't expect you to join me._

He remembered them all.

_Why do you make it so hard for me to love you?_

Yet, he had always been able to make it up to her. The look on her face when he'd surprise her with some grand gesture she had not seen coming was priceless. For a while he lived for that look alone. But in the end his efforts hadn't been enough.

_All I ever wanted was you._

If he were honest with himself, whenever he looked in the mirror, beside the physical state he found himself in, he wasn't exactly the man he wanted to be. Something needed to change.

* * *

_Hey babe, can't wait to see you tomorrow. X_

Donna read Jeremy's text just as she finished having lunch with her friend Mary, whom she didn't say a word to about her ex showing up out of the blue. The idea of Harvey in Santa Monica was all too fresh, still. Discussing this with someone who hadn't known her history seemed impossible, especially if Donna herself didn't even know how she felt about it yet. But Mary was important to her, and she would eventually tell her the whole story.

Having the afternoon off and feeling like not doing much at all, Donna just sat in the shade somewhere near the beach, watching the world go by.

Jeremy. How could she not have thought about him at all since last night? She felt terrible. Still, her lack of regard only affirmed the way she felt about the man in her life, or more particularly, it affirmed the lack of feelings she had.

She pondered whether or not to tell Jeremy about Harvey. When they had started dating, she had not mentioned his name, just that she had broken up with somebody back East and had wanted to start over. He hadn't really pressed her for details, allowing her to box all that history and never look at it again.

Perhaps that was partly why she had been so blindsided when Harvey had shown up.

Of course, Donna had grieved the loss of their relationship, their friendship, everything they'd had, tucking her love for him away some place she vowed never to look again and telling herself that it would fade over time if she didn't have to deal with him and especially if she had something or someone to distract her.

The ploy had worked until it hadn't.

Now all she could think about was seeing Harvey again. No matter how hard talking to him had been, she knew that it would get easier over time. They certainly had been through plenty of trials before.

Suddenly, a jolt of desperation stirred her when she realized that he'd said he was going home this Sunday.

For all her warring emotions, him walking out of her life was as unfathomable as him barging in on it. She would call him tonight. Right now, she needed to talk to a friend who had known all about her past. Maybe Rachel could tell her how to handle this.

* * *

By the time Harvey returned to his hotel room, it was past ten. In the sitting area, he rooted himself in front of the TV—having just settled on a movie after flipping through the channels—when his phone alerted him of an incoming message. He grabbed hold of the thing eagerly.

_You still awake? –__D._

Out of nowhere, his heart hammered in his chest.

_Yeah, just watching a movie. How are you? _he texted back. Harvey would never again let an opportunity go by to ask about _her_.

Looking at his screen, waiting for her to start typing, the phone started buzzing, flashing her number. Without hesitation, he answered.

"Hey," he greeted her, through his heartbeat pounding in his throat.

His voice over the phone, low and welcoming, did something to her. _Home._

"Hey." There was a tinge of apprehension in her voice. "Top Gun?"

Harvey smiled, seeing Tom Cruise climb into a fighter jet on his TV screen.

"I feel the need—" he quoted.

"—the need for speed," she finished.

They both smiled, glad some things never changed.

"Listen, Donna…" Harvey paused, what he had to get off his chest weighing him down. "About what I said last night."

As he searched for the right words, Donna broke the silence. "You said a lot of things last night." Unsure of what he was getting at.

"About me moving out here…" Just thinking back to that impulsive moment made him feel embarrassed, even though it didn't mean he hadn't considered relocating. Hell, if she asked him to, he would pack up his stuff and leave New York behind forever. But that wasn't the point of his remark now. "I never meant to barge into your life like this. I don't expect things to be the same."

He was quiet. So was she.

"I just wish we can be friends again. You told me you were seeing someone. Tell me about him." He quickly added, "Or her. I don't know how much has changed. You did move to the other side of the country." He tried to keep the conversation light, wanting to be supportive. It was the least he could do if he ever hoped to salvage whatever was left of their friendship.

"Harvey," she challenged. For as long as she could remember, he always hated her dating other guys. Why would now be different? Especially with their history. And did she really want to share the details of her relationship?

"I wanna know about your life, Donna. I really do." He waited with bated breath for her to reply.

"I don't know, Harvey. It just feels…strange. Maybe there's too much history." History she longed to forget—at least some of it.

"Maybe there is." Maybe he had lost her forever. He rubbed a hand over his face. The thought alone almost rocked his world anew, for one small detail. "But you wouldn't have called me if you never wanted to talk to me again, right?"

Damn him. So much for trying to keep her distance.

"Donna, please talk to me."

"Fine, Harvey. His name is Jeremy. He owns a surfboard business and he's just opened a new shop on Maui. He already has one here, too. He was also my yoga teacher, that's how we met."

"Sounds great. How long have you been together?"

"For about a year."

Harvey listened intently, gauging how serious her relationship was. If they had been together for a year, things probably pretty serious—if anything, it was longer than most of her relationships. As reality set in, his heart sank. There was no way he would throw himself into such an equation.

Even though he didn't want to hear the answer, he needed to be sure. "So, you guys are serious?"

"Yeah, I guess so." She closed her eyes, hating how she easily lied to him. But half-truths were all she had to hide behind if she didn't want to risk getting her heart broken again.

"I'm happy for you." If she was happy, he would be happy for her. Or at least he'd tell her as much, desperate to believe his own bullshit.

"How about you," she asked. "You seeing anyone?" She already knew the answer, but if they were gonna build a relationship again, these were the questions you asked, apparently.

"No, I'm not. I haven't been serious with anyone. Since you." Why he felt the need to add that last part, he wasn't sure.

Donna knew exactly what that meant. A whole slew of women just to pass the time with. She felt sad for him. If only he could give himself to another, to allow himself to be loved.

"So, the theater. Are you acting?"

"Yes." Immediately, her demeanor changed from being uneasy to wanting to tell every detail. "I'm playing Emily Cratchit in a Christmas Carol. We open on the fifteenth and perform every day for seven days, twice on the weekend. It's so much fun. We have a really great group of people."

Harvey sat back on the couch, propping his feet up on the table, listening to her talk and losing himself in her soft, balmy voice. Christ, he had really goddamn missed it.

When she was done explaining all the ins and outs of the theater company, he replied, "That sounds like fun. Maybe I'll just have to come back and catch a performance." As the words left his lips, the realization dawned he really wanted to be there for her opening night. However, such a bold move was probably still too soon. Being friendly was definitely different from being friends. So, before his mouth could betray him once more, he changed the subject. "How's your mom?" A sting of sorrow pierced his heart the minute he'd spoken the words. No one would ever ask him that question again.

"She's fine," she lied again. This question hit too close to home, bringing back memories of her parents, her dad and everything that had happened. This whole conversation was doing something to her. Maybe she wasn't as ready to forget their past as much as she thought she was.

An awkward silence followed.

Donna was torn. All she wanted to do was run away, her heart hurting more than it had in a long time, yet she couldn't bring herself to end the call. "Listen, I gotta go."

"Donna... Please don't hang up." Another pause. Harvey searched desperately for something to keep her engaged, afraid to lose momentum. "I spoke to Mike."

The sudden change in subject allowed her to hold on a little while longer.

When no response came, he continued. "He explained why he never told me you had relocated." Still no reply, and his skin starting itching. His voice was just above a whisper when he added, "He said it was bad." Just the idea of her hurting made him wanna punch something.

Without the need for elaboration, she knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, it was."

Now it was his turn to be quiet, images of her saying goodbye to him flashing before him. She had looked broken even though she had put on a brave face for him, something she had become a master at over the years. He could only imagine what had been going on underneath that tough exterior.

Her soft voice broke just a little when she spoke. "The hardest part was no one understood fully what I was going through. And how could they? I mean, ours wasn't just a breakup."

She wasn't sure where her frankness came from. Perhaps some part of her finally acknowledged that he might be the only one on the whole planet who could understand. Simply because he'd lived it, too.

"I know what you mean," he confirmed. "I just lost my mom and I realized that the immense grief of losing her doesn't even begin to compare to the pain of not having you in my life anymore." Her candor must have rubbed off on him because he didn't know where the words came from, but once they were out, he felt like a weight had been lifted.

They both fell silent, letting the moment settle.

Harvey spoke first. "Hey, what do you say we get some coffee again this week?" Talking on the phone was one thing, but it was so much better when he could look into her eyes.

Donna inhaled a calming breath. "That would be nice, Harvey."


	5. Shore

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! It means the world to know people enjoy this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. We finally get to meet Jeremy and in case you hadn't noticed yet, this whole fic was inspired by Bruce Springsteen's latest album, so it was nice of him to make an appearance (sort of)._

* * *

**5\. Shore**

On Wednesday night, Donna waited in Jeremy's apartment for his return.

The more time she had spent at his place, the more she had brought her own things. A few candles here, some flowers there, anything to make it look more home-y. As she looked around now, she felt she had succeeded.

Shadows from the candlelight danced on the walls while Donna selected a new playlist on her phone, the music coming through the speakers softly.

Pouring herself another glass of wine, her thoughts drifted back to the past seven days. A mere week ago, she had been on her way to Seattle, perfectly content with her life. Sure, maybe 'perfectly' wasn't the best description, but she was definitely content. She had even started to make tentative plans for the future—short-term plans, but plans nonetheless. And then Harvey had showed up, making her question her entire existence. More importantly, he'd made her realize how much of her old life she still missed. How much she still missed _him_. And, of course, that'd led to her thinking about her current relationship and how uninvested she had become. And that had led to glass of wine number three.

If she had been in this kind of relationship a decade ago, she would have walked away, never once looking back, knowing she deserved better. Hell, she had walked away from someone who really loved her and whom she loved with all her heart, just because it wasn't working. Yet, with Jeremy, she had resigned herself to a life of less. Less love. Less passion. Less joy. Donna hated herself for it. Once, Jeremy had even gotten physical with her after he had been drinking all night, and still Donna had forgiven him. It was only a bruise, she'd told herself, nothing that wouldn't heal. And he had apologized profusely afterward, even going back to AA. To his credit, he hadn't had a drink since, but still...

In hindsight, she was aware she had only given Jeremy a second chance because she had felt guilty for not giving Harvey one.

Sinking back into the couch cushions, the wine tasted bitter on her tongue. He would be here any minute now and she still debated telling him about Harvey's appearance. Not one for keeping secrets, she weighed her options, realizing she didn't exactly have a lot to lose. Playing it by ear was probably best.

Donna jumped when she heard his keys unlock the door followed by his body filling the doorframe as he dropped his bags and immediately walked over to give her a long, fiery kiss—temporarily forcing her to forget all else. Jeremy was tanned, the sun obviously having had its effect on him, making his pale blue eyes pop. His two-day stubble gave him a rugged edge, a look she liked on him, preferred even. She may not love the man, but he sure was attractive.

Jeremy crawled on top of her, trapping her under him. "Hey, gorgeous," he breathed between kisses. "I missed you," he murmured against her lips, grinding his hips into hers.

"I missed you, too." It wasn't a complete lie. She had missed him at Thanksgiving. A week ago. Before everything changed.

The alcohol in her blood made it easy for Donna to give in to his silent request, desiring any distraction from her thoughts, this week, and mostly, Harvey.

_Harvey_.

She had banished him from her consciousness for the better part of two years, so the urge to force any image of him out of her mind came naturally to her. All the memories she had of him were at least that old. Unfortunately, tonight she seemed incapable of shaking a fresh memory of him all sweaty and breathless, wearing a muscle shirt, doing exactly what the garment was intended to do; show off his impressive muscles. Harvey was about the same height and build as the man currently pinning her down, so fantasizing about him while Jeremy was about to make love to her was shockingly easy.

A hand reached between her legs, hiking up her dress, teasing her until she was ready. Quickly discarding his pants, Jeremy soon positioned himself and entered her.

Donna closed her eyes, feeling the room spin, the alcohol hitting her like a ton of bricks as she dug her nails into the body above her. Older memories of Harvey slowly seeped back into her mind. How he would breathe in her ear and whisper sweet nothings while kissing her softly. How, in a crowd of people, he would take her hand, drawing her close, making her feel as if they were the only ones there. The passion they had shared, magnified only by their deep connection. How he would make love to her for hours on end, savoring their bond, never once taking her for granted. But most of all, she suddenly remembered the love. Oh, how they had loved each other. No man would ever love her the way Harvey had loved her, and in turn she would never love anyone the way she had loved him.

Overcome by a sense of loss, Donna felt her eyes starting to burn.

Jeremy finished inside of her with a groan and got up, leaving her exposed on his sofa. She hadn't even come close to climaxing. So, when their eyes met, she plastered on a fake smile, happy to hear him say he was tired and would go to bed.

The second he turned his back on her, a tear fell down her cheek, only to be absorbed by the fabric of the couch and she stared at the ceiling, faintly registering one of her favorite songs filling the space. Empty. She felt absolutely empty inside. A wave of panic crashed into her when the same kind of despair she had felt when she had first moved there started to creep up on her, making her arms and legs tingle restlessly and her heart ache immensely. She wanted to scream.

Clearly, she hadn't dealt with the breakup as well as she thought. Worse, she hadn't dealt with the breakup at all.

Calming herself down with some breathing exercises, she sat up slowly and pulled at her dress. At some point she would have to address her feelings regarding Harvey, and she would. As soon as he was back in New York City. Thousands of miles away.

* * *

Pounding into an unrelenting punching bag, Harvey felt his strength return. He had spent the past two mornings at the gym and he was meeting Donna for coffee this afternoon. It was as if someone had flicked on a light switch inside of him, giving him something to look forward to. For the first time in a long time, he had a reason to get out of bed, and as a result, the idea of going home became less and less appealing as the days passed.

From the corner of his eyes, he spotted Adrian. The bald head and the big scar made the fighter seem intimidating, but he knew the guy was a softy. The way he'd handled Harvey gunning for his friend's throat had been evidence enough.

"Hey man, you're still here?" Adrian greeted Harvey.

"Hey!" Harvey fist-bumped him with a gloved hand. "Yeah, I'm leaving Sunday."

"How are things with the redhead?"

Harvey chuckled. "As well as expected, I guess." He paused, debating his next question. "Can I ask you something? Have you ever seen her with anyone?"

"No, don't think so. You got it bad for her, don't you?"

"You have no idea," Harvey mumbled under his breath.

"Enjoy your workout."

"Thanks, man."

Adrian made the rounds, leaving Harvey to continue working on his jabs. He wasn't exactly sure why he had posed the question. Donna had told him she and Jeremy were serious. Perhaps he was only looking for evidence to confirm her claim—to find even the tiniest strand of hope to cling to in case they weren't as solid as she had described.

An hour later, the sun was high in the sky when Harvey walked through the doors of Sleepy Joe's, making a mental note to get himself a pair of sunglasses.

The climate sure was nice here, and it did something to the people, too. Everyone seemed more laid back, not as rushed as people in Manhattan tended to be.

Still a little early, Harvey ordered his favorite, recognizing the man behind the counter as Donna's friend. Barry, was it? But the barista eyed him suspiciously, and they didn't exchange more than the expected pleasantries. Not that Harvey was in the mood for chitchat, but the behaviour seemed odd.

With a drink in his hand, he took a seat at a table, facing away from the door.

Checking his phone, Harvey sent Marcus a text, inviting his little brother to have dinner with him alone, not having seen him since they scattered their mom's ashes. He felt bad for bailing on his family, but his emotions had been all over the place—his world rocked to the core—and the only way he knew how to deal was to withdraw. It was about time he told his brother what was going on with him.

Marcus replied immediately, accepting the invitation.

.

When Donna walked up to the counter, Barry greeted her with one of his over the top smiles. "Hey, gorgeous! How are you today?" He gave her a once over. "FYI, man alert at table twenty." Barry whispered, covering his mouth with his hand, pointing to where Harvey was sitting, oblivious to their conversation.

Donna chuckled. "It's okay, Barry. He's an old friend. I'll have my regular."

"Are you sure? Because a couple of days ago, you looked like you'd just seen a ghost."

"Well, he was—is—a ghost from my past. We used to…" She trailed off, casting her eyes downwards and shifting her weight uncomfortably, finding her voice to say the phrase she had avoided for so long. "Be engaged."

"He break your heart?" Barry's tone had a hint of concern as he stared at her fidgeting form.

How long had it been since she'd spoken those words? She shook her head, not meeting his gaze. "We broke each other's," she finally said mournfully.

Barry scrutinized the redhead at his counter, seeing the pain flicker across her face as the confession left her lips. "I'm sorry, honey." He handed her a cup of coffee. "Here. On the house. Gotta say, girl, if I didn't hate him, I might find him really hot." His voice went up in pitch in that last sentence, drawing out the 'really'.

Donna laughed out loud, causing Harvey to look up, finally noticing her. "He's a good man, Barry. No need to hate him."

"Well, we'll just see about that," he said reluctantly, adding a wink to his statement.

"Thanks, Barry."

Harvey eyed Donna as she walked over, his gaze unwavering, fully interested in what had made her laugh out loud. Sometimes you didn't know you were missing something until you were reminded of its absence. Donna's laugh was definitely one of those things.

The moment Donna laid eyes on him, she felt restless, agitated—a whirlwind of emotions coursing through her. Last night with Jeremy had altered something fundamental in her, but she couldn't yet identify what. But judging by her reaction to Harvey now, seeing him for the first time since Monday, she was pretty sure his presence was of influence.

"What was that all about?" he inquired, furrowing his brows as she sat down. She appeared much more relaxed than when he'd last seen her on Monday night, and the look eased him somewhat.

"Barry hates you," she smirked, feeling a little testy.

"Why? What did I ever do?" he asked, surprised.

"Break my heart." She cocked an eyebrow, taking a sip of her coffee as she looked over the rim of her cup. "What? Too soon?"

Harvey just stared at her, expressionless. "Maybe." Ouch. Definitely too soon.

Sighing audibly, Donna shook her head ever so slightly. _What a mess this all was,_ she thought.

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I wish there were rules for our situation, like a code of conduct or something. But my emotions have been driving me crazy these past couple of days. I've been so mad and so sad, and I have no idea what I'm feeling right now, so why not laugh at how incredibly screwed up this all is?"

Desperate. That's what she was feeling now. For things to turn back to normal, whatever that was.

Looking into his eyes, she could see he felt the same.

"You're right. There are no rules for two people trying to reconnect after everything we've been through. And we can't change the past. But it's all I've been able to think about."

"Me too." She winced thinking how last night Jeremy had made love to her while she had conjured memories of the man sitting across from her doing the same.

"I mean, we had some good times, too, right?" He stared into his coffee.

"Thinking about it when I am by myself is one thing, Harvey… Reminiscing about our past together is something I am definitely not ready for." No. Fucking. Way.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." He wasn't sure where her abrasiveness came from, but he ignored it.

They let a silence clear the tension in the air between them.

"Do you know a nice restaurant in the area here?" Harvey asked.

Donna froze for just a moment and Harvey noticed her reaction. "I'm having dinner with Marcus tonight. I haven't talked to him since Monday. I'd like to take him some place nice," he clarified immediately.

Donna quickly gathered herself. "Sure, I know a few places. What are you in the mood for?"

They didn't mention _them_ again, their talk from last Monday still fresh in both their minds. If they ever wished to become friends again, baby steps were required.

* * *

That night, Harvey was excited about seeing his brother again. They were closer than they'd ever been, their connection having grown increasingly stronger after Harvey's reconciliation with their mom. And when he and Donna had gotten together, she had quickly become an intricate member of the Specter clan, igniting a desire in him to spend even more time with his family. And so they had, traveling to Boston more often than he ever had before.

For the first time in his life, Harvey had felt a sense of belonging, like he was part of a real family. Fortunately for him, that hadn't changed after the breakup.

When Marcus arrived at the restaurant, he found his big brother at a table in the back. The room looked impeccable—waiters with bow-ties running around, soft Jazz music playing in the background, the low hum of conversation and tableware comfortable enough to give an intimate feel to the place.

The two men embraced briefly, reconnecting after a grievous week.

Marcus took his brother in and was surprised to find him in good shape. Earlier this week, he had looked broken, shoulders hunched, head low, eyes gray. But not today. Right now, Harvey was animated, alive.

"You've been working out? You look good, man. Better than the last time I saw you," he said, taking a seat.

"Yeah, I've been hitting the gym. I just needed to get my head straight. How about you? You doing okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Natalie is keeping us busy, running us all over town. But the kids like it. It's a nice distraction. It'll be weird going home," Marcus said woefully.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

"How d'you find this place?"

"Donna recommended it."

Harvey waited for his brother's response excitedly. Straight to the one topic he couldn't wait to talk about.

"She did now, did she? Have you been talking?" Marcus asked, a hint of amusement to his tone.

"Yeah, we have. It's still awkward, because so much has happened, but it's like we're still us, you know? Just buried under a big pile of hurt and regret."

"I'm sure it wasn't easy seeing her again."

"It wasn't. I think she's having a hard time with it, too. I mean, she did move across the country just to escape me and here I am." The thought alone still hurt like hell. "I think deep down she really wants us to be friends again… It's just gonna take a while."

"Is that what you want? To be friends with her again? I mean, before you said you wanted to get—"

"She's seeing someone," Harvey interjected. Dammit, he really needed a drink.

Marcus observed the change in his brother's mood, wishing he could somehow make him forget about Donna altogether and move on, maybe even be happy again. He'd always been fond of the redhead, but he hated seeing Harvey like this.

The waiter brought them some waters and menus and took their drink order.

"I'm sorry I wasn't around this week. I just needed some time alone," Harvey finally said apologetically.

"Don't worry. Natalie has been amazing. We're having a nice time here. Can't say I'm looking forward to going back east. I really like California."

"Right? I do, too."

"Could you live here?" Marcus asked, eyeing his brother meticulously as he posed a question he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to. And it had nothing to do with the climate.

"You know, I think I could."

"You still love her, don't you?" Marcus watched Harvey clench his jaws.

He met his brother's gaze. "I do."

* * *

_The five stages of grief_

Denial_. The first week, each night Harvey came home to an apartment filled with her essence. Her furniture was still there, even some of her clothes still occupied space in his closet—like she would walk through the door any minute. He continued carrying hope this was all a dream and she'd barge in yelling at him, and he would beg on hands and knees for her to take him back. But the days passed without any word, and every night, stepping over the threshold became harder. So Harvey went to Boston for a while—the walls in New York City closing in on him. _

_Maybe she'd be waiting for him when he got back._

Anger_. He tried calling her every day, but there was never an answer. One night, he'd hit 'call' for the umpteenth time only to be informed by a female voice that this number was no longer in use. The phone flew across the room with so much force, it shattered into a thousand pieces the moment the device came into contact with the wall. He yelled at the broken bits, at her, at himself. He screamed at Mike when his so-called friend wouldn't tell her where she was. He yelled at his partners at the firm. He was mad at the world, but mostly he couldn't stand _himself_ for letting her go._

Bargaining_. Every night, he cried himself to sleep, his bed too big for him alone. If only she would talk to him, he would promise her he'd do better this time. He would work on himself and their relationship. He would fix it, if only she'd give him another chance. "Please, Donna. I need you."_

Depression_. The intense pain tore him apart. He was no longer able to function and had to take some time off, which only added to the idea he was just a weak SOB. Anti-anxiety meds were part of his daily diet—the panic attacks having returned in full force. There was no comfort to be found. He couldn't even play his favorite records, because they all reminded him of her. The darkness of night was the hardest, when sleep wouldn't find him and he'd be staring at the ceiling, listing all his regrets. _

_How could he possibly navigate life without her? She was his compass, his lighthouse. _

_He questioned if life was even worth living._

_Something had to change—the mix of emotions barreling through his tormented body needed an outlet. So, he started going to the gym regularly, and he'd challenge the biggest guy there. Getting beat up was not only a way of punishing himself; the physical pain temporarily numbed the emotional one, a sensation he soon got addicted to._

Acceptance_. He never fully reached this stage. Sure, after a while he had packed up all her things and moved them to storage, in case she ever wanted them back. Hell, he'd even started taking random women home again. But he didn't feel any better, no matter what he did. The void she had left remained, too big to be filled by anyone or anything._

* * *

"Here's to your opening night," Jeremy said, as their glasses clinked on Friday evening, toasting to Donna's upcoming play.

Jeremy had informed her he'd rebooked a flight just so he could be there for her next Sunday. She got nervous thinking about it, but preparations were going really well. She was already off book and having him there would be a nice comfort—a sense of normalcy.

"And how about you come with me to Maui in January? I know you've been dying to go."

"I have been! Oh, I'd love to go. You know whale season starts at the end of January. Maybe we can go then?" she beamed, staring into his big blue eyes joyfully.

"Of course. We'll make a plan." Jeremy said, momentarily distracted by his phone buzzing.

Hawaii. She and Harvey had made plans to go once, right before her dad had gotten sick. He had lost a bet one night when they had both been tipsy. For her fiftieth birthday, they would travel to the islands, and as a gift to her he had to take a hula dancing class. They'd planned the trip years in advance, both convinced they would still be together.

The memory took her by surprise. Her birthday had been a few weeks ago and not once had she thought about her previous plans.

Jeremy's voice punctured through her thoughts, urging her back into the present.

"I got us two tickets for Springsteen tomorrow at the Staples Center!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"What? How? I thought that was sold out." Jeremy was just full of surprises tonight.

"It was, but I got them anyway." He beamed from ear to ear, shaking his phone for her to see, with a twinkle in his eye.

What was it with her men and Springsteen? Thomas had been a huge fan. Harvey had all his records and Jeremy had been talking about this show for months.

"That's great! I'd love to go." She'd seen Springsteen before, back in New York, and he had blown her away. Best live concert by far and definitely a live act she wouldn't mind revisiting.

"Awesome." He shot her a warm smile before finishing his iced tea. As he got up, he said, "I'll be right back."

Donna was momentarily lost in her excitement. Plans. Short term, but still something to look forward to.

While waiting for Jeremy to return, she quickly checked her phone, something she'd been doing a lot more often lately.

She sucked in a breath when she saw a text from Harvey.

_Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? I'd like to say goodbye before I leave._

Her mind went blank. Donna stared at the words, reading them over and over again. Dinner. Goodbye. Her heart started racing. His words sounded so definite. 'Leave' as if she would never see him again. _Like that was happening_, she thought to herself.

Which meant she had to ditch Jeremy. Lying to him didn't feel right, but there was no way she would miss out on the last chance to see and talk to Harvey, and she hadn't exactly been truthful about the situation—never mentioning he was here, let alone meeting him for coffee yesterday. He didn't need to know. It was better if he didn't know, she convinced herself.

Why hadn't she anticipated Harvey's departure sooner, though? Had she secretly hoped he would stay in Cali? She kicked herself for not planning ahead and giving him the change to blindside her.

Upon seeing her boyfriend approach a few moments later, Donna hastily tucked her phone back in her purse.

"Hey, I forgot. I have plans with Mary tomorrow, so I can't come with you. I'm so sorry, it totally slipped my mind."

"Okay, no problem. I'll ask Gary if he wants to join me." He didn't give it a second thought and Donna breathed a sigh of relief.

The first chance she had, she texted Harvey back.

_I'd love to._

* * *

One final meal, because he really was leaving. No thinking, Donna told herself, only doing. Just have dinner, talk, say goodbye and deal with the fallout the moment his plane takes off. She felt less emotional than the last time she saw him, but there was something unnerving about tonight.

Pulling up into the parking lot, she found a spot near the entrance where two men who looked like bouncers were standing by the door, their faces hidden in the shadows. Both were wearing dress pants and a white button down with the sleeves rolled up.

The problem was, this place didn't have bouncers.

She got out and approached the front door carefully when she finally recognized who they were.

"Marcus!" she exclaimed excitedly. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, angel! It really is you!"

A ripple of longing and regret went through her soul, having forgotten all about the nickname her former brother-in-law had given her as she lost herself in his tight hug.

"Did you think he made me up?" she said, pointing to Harvey.

"To be honest, I just had to see you with my own eyes," the younger Specter confessed.

"Yeah, well, I was pretty surprised myself." Her eyes briefly met Harvey's. "Are you joining us for dinner? You're more than welcome to."

"No, I'm not. Natalie is waiting in the car with the kids. We just wanted to say 'hi'."

Donna turned to where Marcus had pointed—the SUV parked no more than ten feet away.

A window rolled down and Haley waved vigorously, like she had been jonesing to do so for a while. "Auntie Donna!" she squealed, and Donna realized her voice hadn't changed much—still as high-pitched as ever.

It had been so long since she had last heard those words and they rattled her to the bone. She had shared a special bond with Marcus' eldest, who was only eleven years old when she had come into her life. And she had been elemental in guiding her through her parents' divorce, earning her a lot of admiration from both Marcus and Harvey.

Propelled forward by excitement, Donna started for the car, but Haley had already jumped out and was running towards her, arms stretched out and the girl's small frame crashed into her own as they embraced lovingly.

"Oh my God! You are so big!"

Five years and a foot later, the young girl was growing into a beautiful young woman. Memories from their time together flooded her consciousness, and Donna had to hold back the tears. Breaking apart, she looked inside of the car and waved at the youngest Specter in the backseat, who was too busy with his phone to give her more than a wave. Natalie smiled invitingly from the passenger's seat. "It's nice to see you again, Donna."

"You too, Natalie. And congratulations."

"Thank you."

"Are you and uncle Harvey getting back together again? Because I really miss you," she pleaded.

Her sparkling naivete and excitement warmed Donna's heart. "Oh sweetie. I don't think so. But where's your phone? I'll give you my number and you can call me anytime, okay?" Donna wiped a tear away, smiling broadly.

Her break from Harvey had been clean. The moment the elevator doors closed, he became history, along with pretty much everyone else in her life. All or nothing had been the only way to do it. But seeing these people—this family—again did something to her. She had left behind so much more than just a man.

Harvey observed how the scene in front of him unfolded. It was almost like when he had first brought Donna to Boston with him. Watching her with his family only reminded him she _was_ family. And watching the Specters embrace her the way they did, made him miss her even more.

Marcus, who had been keeping a close eye on Harvey, gave him a hug. "I'll see you tomorrow, assuming you're still planning on getting on that plane…" he teased, not convinced his brother was ready to leave.

"I am," Harvey assured him.

"Good night, Harvey. Have fun tonight. You deserve it."

"Thanks, Marcus."

Harvey watched as his brother and Donna shared another hug before Marcus got in the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

Donna remained and waited for them to disappear out of sight before making her way over to him, still a bit in shock from the unexpected encounter.

Gazing upon her features, Harvey knew she was overwhelmed. "I'm sorry, I should have given you a head's up. Marcus really wanted to see you and so did Haley. I should have known—"

"It's okay, Harvey. It was so nice to see them." Donna cut him off, wiping the remnants of her tears away. As she stared in the direction they had left in, she got lost in the emotions coursing through her. "Wow. I can't believe Haley has grown so much. She looks beautiful."

"Yeah, she is." Harvey looked into her big, hazel eyes, and noticed the wet lashes. He might have really messed up by springing them on her. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Nothing a good glass of wine won't solve. Shall we?"

* * *

_A/N: I wanted to end this chapter with their goodbye, but it was just too hard to write. I already wrote so many upcoming scenes, too, so I decided to post this with a cliffhanger. I'm sorry! But I promise the next update will be done soon. :) Again, please review if you like it. It means the world._


	6. Salt

_A/N: This chapter was so incredibly hard to write, but I do hope I did them justice. Once again a big thank you for all the reviews! They make my day!_

* * *

**6\. Salt**

Donna walked through the door Harvey held open for her, a sense of delight spreading through her, having just seen all those Specters again. The more she encountered, the more she missed them. It had felt so natural, so simple, like she would see them before long.

Waiting for someone to take them to their table, Donna focused on the Specter in front of her, once again looking him over. His face had more color, the dark circles under his eyes barely visible. His shirt was tight, the rolled-up sleeves exposing muscular underarms, the top was unbuttoned, and a black leather belt held up the navy-colored suit pants covering his lower half. Harvey sans jacket and tie used to be her favorite look on him. He always looked relaxed yet eager for anything; work or play, fight or fuck.

"What were you all dressed up for?"

"They invited Natalie's sister to a fancy lunch as a thank you for letting them stay there. They asked me to come as well. It ran a bit late, I guess and I didn't have time to change."

"Weren't you staying there, too?" She was mildly surprised, but then again, not so much.

"No, I've been staying at a hotel. Didn't want to deal with all those people."

"Some things never change," she smiled up at him.

"I guess not," he smiled back. It was sometimes easy to forget how well she knew him.

Donna relished in the notion that, in many ways, he was still the same man she had known forever and the idea was wonderfully comforting—like a lot of things about him were. The way he held a chair out for her when they were seated, how his lips would curl up into a devastating smile, or when she caught him staring at her from the corner of her eye when he thought she wouldn't notice. Being near him again now was like sinking into a warm, fragrant bath, and she felt herself relax.

"I'll have you know I passed on seeing Springsteen to be here tonight," she declared, opening a menu.

"Really? You chose me over The Boss?"

"Yeah well, what can I say. His shows are still too damn long, anyway."

"Remember when we saw him in New York? How long did he play for? Three-and-a-half hours?" The question was out before Harvey realized what he'd said. Bringing up memories was a no-go. Donna had made that much clear. So, when their eyes met, he hoped to convey an apology by painting on a hesitant smile.

"Something like that." Okay, so maybe reminiscing over some parts of their history was all right, Donna thought, smiling to herself at the memory.

"Wow." Harvey shook his head in disbelief, noticing how Donna was grinning, seemingly fine with the direction their conversation had taken.

When the waiter brought them their orders a while later, Harvey and Donna had spent the last thirty minutes like no time had passed between them whatsoever, talking extensively about Marcus, Haley, Santa Monica, and everything else in their lives, yet carefully tiptoeing around one subject: the reason for their dinner—taking any opportunity to prolong the inevitable.

So, when Harvey got ready to dive into his ordered dish, Donna observed how he sat forward, grabbed the burger which had been placed in front of him in both hands and took a bite, causing the muscles in his arms to flex in their white, cotton prison—the fabric clearly being stretched to its limits, having barely enough fiber to contain all that flesh.

The fork she was holding slammed into her plate with more force than intended, startling Harvey, who looked up at her questioningly.

"Okay. I have to know. What the hell is going on with that?!" she exclaimed, pointing at him.

He stared at her for a moment, frowning and swallowing fast. "What are you talking about?"

"That!" She pointed again. "Those gigantic things you call arms. Jesus, Harvey, you're huge!"

Harvey slowly sat up straight, a devilish grin on his lips as he looked at her—his ego growing with his confidence. Without saying a word, he watched her shift uncomfortably in her seat, being positively affected by his physique and waiting for his answer.

The awkwardness of the moment tickled Donna, making her smile sheepishly. He was so goddamned annoying when he was being cocky. And cute. And sexy as hell. _Stop it, Paulsen! _Shaking her head to clear her mind, Donna didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but she couldn't hide her astonishment over his body. He simply looked ravishing.

When Harvey remained silent, she knew he was just baiting her.

"Oh, for God sakes. You want me to say it? Fine. You look good, Harvey." She cocked an eyebrow, pursing her lips. "There. Happy?" She picked up her fork and started poking her salad, feigning indifference.

Harvey contemplated teasing her but opted for honesty.

"I've been boxing a lot the past year and a half. It's been one of the few things I have enjoyed. I go before work or after, or sometimes both. It's helped me channel some of my…" Rage, frustration, pain. "…emotions."

"Well, it shows."

"I went to the gym here a couple of times this week, and it definitely cleared my head."

Donna had a hard time imagining him across the street from the theater she'd been rehearsing at, still not used to the idea of their worlds colliding. But his explanation reminded her of the reason he was in California to begin with.

"How are you doing? Dealing with the loss of your mom?"

"I don't know." He realized he hadn't thought about Lily all that much. "I've been kinda distracted this week."

Donna met his fiery gaze and their eyes glued together for a second too long. With that, the air changed between them, crackling with boundaries about to be crossed as the moment of them finally being _them _again was lost forever.

They finished their meals in relative silence.

Asked by their waiter if they were interested in dessert, Donna wanted to see a menu. Harvey wasn't necessarily in the mood.

Scanning the italic font, Donna's eye fell upon the one item she and Harvey had shared a thousand times before, and she couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping her, which made the quiet man across from her look up.

"What is it?" he asked.

Unsure if he would read anything into it, if she wanted him to, or if she'd be disappointed when he wouldn't, she asked, "You wanna share some cheesecake? They've got strawberry."

The edges of Harvey's mouth curled into a smile that lit up his eyes. "I'd like that."

Seeing his face brighten at her proposal, Donna felt something stir deep inside of her, a memory or thought she couldn't quite recall but she knew was there, tucked far away. She tried to shrug it off, but failed to prevent the feeling from unsettling her.

Shortly after, one slice of cheesecake and two forks sat between them. They each dug in and remarked how this was some superb cheesecake, both wishing this moment would last forever while neither wanted to acknowledge how much they were enjoying themselves, because twenty-four hours from now, they would be twenty-five hundred miles apart.

Harvey took his last bite, taking in the sight before him. Donna's auburn locks fell over her shoulders as she leaned forward to collect the last bits of dessert on her fork. Her eyes were big, her lips full, a reddish glow on her cheeks. The black blouse she wore revealed little but the gold arrow necklace hanging from her freckled neck. She looked as beautiful as he remembered her—and _wanted_ to remember her for the rest of his days. Although that wasn't true. He didn't want to have her merely reside in his memory like something gone by.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he whispered, his voice dropping to a lower register from the reality weighing it down as he watched her, waiting to meet her eyes.

Donna spent extra care gathering the last piece, ignoring his statement. She knew this moment had been coming, knowing she wasn't prepared for it. And so her heart beat faster as her nerves dominated her brave front.

The tension in the air increased.

"Donna."

She still avoided his gaze. "I know." She chewed carefully, barely getting the food past the lump in her throat.

"Will I ever see you again?"

She finally looked at him, nevertheless unwilling to deal with reality, because her mind was racing, her emotions all over the place, hardly keeping it together. "I don't know," was all she could muster.

"Goddammit, Donna…," he grumbled, his voice full of disappointment. "Stop dancing around! Don't you want to see me again? Because I sure as hell would like to see you again." Anger mixed with hurt contorted the muscles in his face as a wave of helplessness triggered a surge of panic in his body. His hands were tied and there was nothing he hated more.

"And how would that work, huh?" There was a fire in her eyes when she met his. "In case you hadn't noticed, we live at opposite sides of the country."

"I don't know, Donna, but it would be nice to hear I am not the only one who would like to give this whole friendship thing a chance." He cringed at the word 'friendship', never hating the definition more, but it was all he had to hold on to. "This week has been one giant reminder of how much I miss having you in my life. And I'm pretty sure you've missed me."

It was a bold assumption, but just as she knew him, he still _knew_ her, so he paused, gauging her reaction and finding it impossible to read her impassive facade.

Donna remained silent, so Harvey pressed on.

"Look, I don't know how we would work it out, but we'd find a way. I just need you to tell me you want this, too." He was pleading now, for any confirmation she wasn't giving up on them.

Donna's mind was reeling. All the years she worked with him—loving him from afar, waiting for him to be ready—she had wished to be in his shoes, the one holding all the cards in their relationship. And now the roles were finally reversed. And she hated every second of it.

There was still so much to say, things she wanted him to know, so she took her time finding the right words, trying to explain where she was coming from as the silence between them stretched on.

When no reaction came, Harvey surrendered internally, a sadness he hadn't known since Monday overtaking him. If she couldn't even tell him she'd missed him, there wasn't much hope for anything else. He'd surely lost her for good. He toyed with the base of his wine glass, wishing he could get up and walk away, musing about life back in New York without her once more, when Donna's soft voice finally broke him from his spiraling train of thoughts.

"I spent two years trying to get my life back on track. It took everything in me to rebuild, but slowly, brick by brick, I managed to do it. And I knew the only way I was ever going to succeed was if I never looked back. And then you showed up, out of the blue, and turned my whole world upside down again. And it seems that perhaps there are some issues I haven't fully dealt with, yet. So, please excuse me for needing to figure some things out first."

She didn't risk looking at him after her little speech for fear of breaking down completely.

Time. She was asking for time, Harvey realized.

"That's okay, Donna. I get it." And he honestly did. "And I am sorry for screwing everything up, even though running into you wasn't exactly planned. But I apologize if I made your life… harder." He stared into his glass before downing the remaining liquid in one gulp.

"It's not your fault."

He still felt guilty. "Don't you think it's meant to be, us finding each other here? Now?" Harvey said, hopeful.

Taken a little aback by his statement, she replied, "You know I don't believe in coincidences. I just didn't think you did, too."

"I do now. I mean, if this isn't fate, what else is there?" A small smile appeared on his lips. Perhaps this was meant to be. Maybe they could find a way back to each other, eventually.

A hint of a smile teased her mouth as well. "You know, in the past two years there have been times where I imagined what it would be like if we ever met again. But I never thought it'd be at Sleepy Joe's on a Monday afternoon."

Donna stared at her folded hands in her lap, thinking back to this week and what Harvey was asking of her. Of course, she had missed him. But merely stating the obvious would sell him short. Inhaling deeply, Donna felt the same unsettling feeling she had experienced before, finally understanding what it was: the desire to stop pretending. She didn't want to hide any longer. Not from him, and more importantly, not from herself. She owed Harvey the truth of her situation, no matter the consequences.

"The moment I saw you standing there, something unfolded in me that had been locked very far away. I thought I had dealt with the pain, but I guess I've just gotten really good at convincing myself I'm okay…" She trailed off, letting the words hang between them briefly. "Don't get me wrong, I love Santa Monica! The climate, the outdoors, the people, being close to Rachel and Mike... I wouldn't change it for the world. But if I am completely honest with myself, I haven't really been happy in a long time… Except for when I'm on stage."

As the words left her lips, Donna felt like she had finally taken her first breath after having been held underwater for too long.

Harvey listened intently, soaking up every bit of what she revealed as her position became painfully clear—the admission nothing short of devastating. She was supposed to be happy. _Without him_. Wasn't she in a serious relationship? The question burned on his tongue, so he tentatively asked, "Are you in love with Jeremy?"

Her voice was barely above a whisper when she answered not only him but also herself. "No." She was living a lie and now he knew, too.

Stunned at her unexpected revelation and her candor, Harvey studied her. Sitting across from him was a woman tormented by her past, _their_ past, and there was little he could do about it. His heart broke for her, knowing exactly how she felt and silently pleading he could do something, anything to ease her pain. "I'm so sorry, Donna."

A waiter interrupted their moment, clearing their table. "Can I get you anything else?"

Looking over at the one person who still meant the world to him, Harvey saw her shake her head slightly as she blinked back some tears. "Just the check, please," he told the man, giving him his credit card before he refocused his attention on Donna. "You wanna go someplace else? Get a drink?" Hell, he'd take her out dancing if that cheered her up.

"No, Harvey, I think it's best if I just go home."

A few minutes later, the bill was settled, announcing the night's end.

How was he ever supposed to get on that plane tomorrow? Especially now that he knew what was really going on with her. He wanted to be here for her yet knowing he was probably the last person she needed, and it tore him in two.

Stepping outside, the warmer air tingled their skins, the Santa Ana's still blowing strong as they blanketed their bodies in a suffocating layer of unease.

Harvey followed Donna to her car in silence. Tucking his clammy hands in his pockets before they did something stupid, he dragged his feet as his heart pounded loudly, the vibrations echoing in his brain. If he hugged her now, he might not let go—the added uncertainty this might be the last time he would see her, undoing him.

Donna battled the tears. This needed to be over fast or she wouldn't be able to stand.

Coming to a standstill next to her white BMW convertible, she turned around and looked up into his dark brown, nervous eyes, a tear escaping hers. Feeling raw and exposed, all she wanted was to stop the dull ache taking her soul hostage. So, without warning and against her better judgment, she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his neck, holding on to him tightly.

Expelling a breath he had apparently been holding, Harvey leaned into her, comforting her, which in turn comforted him. His hand tangled in her hair, cradling her head, the soft waves of auburn exactly how he remembered them, just like her smaller frame molding perfectly against his body.

Big arms enveloped her as his cologne, mixed with his unique scent, teased her nose, making her weak in the knees. How could she ever let go when he was the one person she wanted to have in her life? Overwhelmed by a fresh sense of loss, a soft sob escaped her as she tightened her grip on him.

He felt her cry into his shoulder and fought the burning in his own eyes. The thought of leaving her ripped him to shreds, surprised by how much he still loved her.

Minutes, hours, even days, passed as they embraced, holding each other longer than they probably should, both searching for words where no words could ever suffice.

If Donna ever wanted Harvey back in her life, she'd have to make some big decisions and a ripple of determination fueled her resolve. Impassioned about the future, she gathered every piece of strength she still possessed, eventually pulling back from arms that were reluctant to let her go. And they didn't, because Harvey kept his hands on her waist, preventing her from leaving his embrace completely.

Their faces were mere inches apart and she could almost feel his breath on her skin.

Harvey felt her pull back, but before she had a chance to escape, he dipped down and ever so softly pressed his lips to the salt-stained skin of her cheek in an unspoken 'I love you'.

Donna closed her eyes, taking in the sensation of his kiss she had deemed lost forever. As he withdrew, she gazed into his own watery eyes, finding her voice quivering as she said, "Goodbye, Harvey." And with those words, she got in her car and drove off, leaving Harvey frozen in his spot, the wind suddenly icy cold against his body where she had just been.

* * *

The next morning, Harvey woke with his mood conflicted. He didn't want to go home, but he knew staying wasn't an option as the memory of their goodbye flashed before him. She'd looked so broken, so ruined, not something he associated with the powerhouse of a woman who had helped shape his life—shape him. _I haven't really been happy in a long time_. Groaning deeply, he grabbed his phone off the bedside table and was surprised to find a text from her.

_Have a safe flight._

As hard as he tried to read something into her message, he couldn't. Except for the fact that she had cared enough to wish him a safe trip, it could mean a million things. No emojis, no X's, nothing. Maybe she was happy he was leaving. Or she wished he'd stay but wasn't sure how to say it. Who knew? So, throwing caution to the wind, he typed his reply and hit 'send'.

_Tell me to stay and I will._

With his heart hammering in his chest, he watched the screen and was notified of her having read the message. But no reply came.

Staring at her phone, Donna didn't know how to answer. She wanted him here, but she also needed him to leave, desperately requiring time to process. Harvey appearing in Santa Monica had turned her world on its head, and she was still reeling from the shock, knowing she had her work cut out for her.

He kicked himself for once again pushing against her boundaries and was ready to put the phone away when the device alerted him of her response.

_I can't._

He ran a hand over his face, sighing heavily as the sad truth of their circumstance hit him. Instead of fate reuniting them, it was time to pack his bags.

_I know. _

Donna dropped the phone on her night stand, imagining what would have happened if she had told him to stay, letting all kinds of scenarios play out in her head.

Now that they were speaking again, she had a strong feeling that even though he was going back to New York, he wasn't really going anywhere.

* * *

_A/N: I promise the next chapter won't be so angsty. I truly believe it will all work out for them in the end. Please leave a review to let me know what you think. I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)_


	7. Stars

_A/N: Chapter 7, with two flashbacks, way less angst and lots of Mike and Rachel. :) I hope you enjoy and please leave a review._

* * *

**7\. Stars**

"Don't hang up! Wait! I'm almost there!" Rachel wobbled her way from the couch to the kitchen counter, talking to her buzzing phone while her joyful ringtone filled the air.

Well into her third trimester, Rachel's due date was quickly approaching, and as far as she was concerned, January 3rd couldn't come fast enough.

"Donna?" she said, hoping she had answered in time.

"Hey, Rachel."

Rachel released a sigh of relief, plopping down at a stool near the counter, catching her breath and making a mental note never to leave her phone in the kitchen again.

"So, tell me! How was your dinner with Harvey?" During the week, Donna had kept her updated, but never in depth, and Rachel was convinced that Harvey's presence was affecting her friend more than she let on.

"Well, we met at this restaurant, and Marcus' family was there, Haley... They wanted to say 'hello' because they knew Harvey was meeting me. It was so weird, Rach. Seeing them again, after all this time... And after they left, he and I started talking like nothing ever happened. We were just _us_, you know what I mean?" Images of last night flooded her jumbled mind, but one memory eviscerated all others—telling Harvey the truth about her current situation. Perhaps it was time to tell Rachel, too. "Seeing Harvey again…"

Rachel waited patiently for Donna to find her voice.

"It made me realize…" Admitting to having failed was never easy, so Donna took a steadying breath and said, "If I'm really honest with myself, I have to admit I haven't been happy in a long time."

"What do you mean 'you're not happy'? Is it Jeremy? Did something happen?" Rachel asked, surprised at the disclosure—astonishment that quickly turned into concern.

"It's a lot of things, but Jeremy is a part of it. I'm not… in love with him. I don't think I was ever in love with him."

"Donna, are you saying you still have feelings for Harvey?" Rachel's mouth was agape, preparing to hear the one thing she never expected Donna to admit again and at the same time would not surprise her at all.

"I don't know." Donna fell silent. "But I do know that I haven't been dealing with my break from him the way I thought I had."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know, but I have to figure some things out. It helps to know he's back in New York, so I don't have to see him. But I've missed him, Rachel..." She paused. "You are my best friend, but he was, too."

"Sweetie, of course you miss him." What she wouldn't give to hug her friend right at this moment. Especially when she seemed fo be facing her feelings at last instead of running away from them.

A fresh wave of sorrow slammed into Donna and she wiped at a single tear. The more people she told, the better she felt, causing the tears to sting a little less. "Enough about me. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Huge. Tired. But I feel okay. Baby girl Ross is kicking like crazy. Are you still coming over for Christmas?"

"Of course, I am! But it'll probably be only me..."

Donna kind of liked the idea.

* * *

The cold Northeastern wind was strong, and Harvey pulled his collar up. He had left work early, not being able to focus and needing to clear his head to decide on something major. Autumn winds in New York were quite the opposite from the warm Santa Ana's in California, but that wasn't the only difference. Right now, the entire city felt…_off_. Maybe Donna's confirmed absence in the Big Apple was of influence, or perhaps because she was back in his life after having left a gaping hole where her presence used to be.

Regardless, New York City proved to be a very painful reminder everywhere he looked.

Harvey had haunted these streets after their split, drinking himself into oblivion, trying to numb an indelible pain because there were memories around every goddamned corner here. Like the bench he currently occupied, the one near the Lake in Central Park. They had spent hours here, doing nothing but watch the world go by. They had found out about Rachel's first pregnancy here, discussed Donna's dad getting sick. They had talked about their futures here, the firm, their jobs. They had argued here over things he couldn't even remember.

For so long, he had returned to this spot with Donna being nothing more than a gloriously tragic memory. But now everything had changed.

And Harvey felt lost.

In this moment, he missed his mom more than ever before. If only he could call her, talk to her. She would tell him what to do.

Although the skies were gray and they would soon turn dark, he still sat on the cold bench, watching people come and go; runners enjoying their afternoon workout; men in suits in a rush to get to their next meeting; dogs being walked; tourists taking pictures of their surroundings; couples walking hand in hand. He loved New York. That crazy town had been home for so long. But his heart was now in California.

Beside his bench, two squirrels were rustling in the grass, making their final preparations for wintertime, hiding acorns left and right. He snapped a quick picture of the creatures and took one of himself, too.

There had only ever been one person he'd sent selfies to, and he needed to find an opening to talk to her again. However, he wasn't sure if their current relationship was at a place where they would exchange mundane images of their everyday lives.

He still saved the photos, just in case.

* * *

_He lowered his lips to meet hers, loving how her arms would snake around his neck and he got to wrap his own arms around her waist, pulling her as close to him as possible._

_How did two people fit so well together?_

_Donna opened her mouth slightly, inviting Harvey's tongue._ He was such a good kisser_, she thought to herself. She couldn't get enough of him, never before so in love, knowing this was it, for the rest of their lives._

_Harvey breathed her in. Every day he woke up next to Donna was a day he wondered what he had ever done to get so goddamned lucky. She was his entire world, and he would move heaven and earth for her, 'til death did them part._

_"Get a room," someone jogging past them grumbled, eliciting simultaneous chuckles as they broke their kiss, realizing the surrounding world had been completely forgotten as they stood in the middle of a pathway overlooking The Lake in the Park. The jogger wasn't the only one who had to maneuver around them on this beautiful Sunday afternoon in early October, and they humbly moved out of the way._

_A bench nearby cleared, and they took a seat, legs and shoulders touching, fingers intertwined. Their bodies and souls simply couldn't get close enough._

_Donna had officially moved into his condo a few weeks before, neither one wanting to decide where to spend the night any longer. Only a few months into their relationship, they were as happy as could be._

_"This is my favorite spot in all of Central Park," Donna said, looking out at the water, taking in how the leaves were changing their colors. She absolutely loved autumn in New York._

_Harvey never took his eyes off her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Mine, too."_

_Truthfully, his favorite place was wherever Donna was._

_She met his gaze and the moment she did, her heart fluttered. He had that effect with even the smallest of gestures._ _"I love you," she smiled at him, a light blush on her cheeks, inching forward until their noses grazed softly, anticipating his response._

_"I love you, too," he whispered against her lips before closing the distance and brushing his mouth over hers._

_This afternoon the trouble the firm was in didn't matter. All that mattered was them._

* * *

"Call Mike," Harvey ordered his phone later that night, the device responding affirmatively. As it rang, he couldn't stop his mind from running rampant.

"Harvey! How are you, buddy?"

"Hey, Mike."

"Harvey, what's going on?" he immediately replied, noticing the somber tone in his friend's voice.

"I don't know. I got home yesterday, and all I wanna do is pack up my shit and go back." He took a swig of his Macallan 18. "I don't know what to do."

"Did something happen with you and Donna?"

Nothing happened, yet everything was different. "Not really. She told me she's not happy. Have you ever met that Jeremy guy?"

"I have." Mike uttered as guilt weaved its way around his soul. In choosing Donna's side, he had effectively betrayed his friend. And even though he had lived with that feeling for the past two years, his disloyalty had been a hell of a lot easier to ignore when Harvey hadn't confronted him about it.

"Jesus, Mike..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "How could you keep this from me?"

"You know why."

Harvey scoffed. He couldn't fault his friend for standing by his wife in supporting Donna, but the decision still stung like a bitch. "Well, she's not in love with him."

"I'm not surprised…"

"What do you mean?" Harvey replied, his interest piqued.

"I mean, he seemed like a nice guy, but there was something off about them."

As much as he wanted to lean into the idea Donna's relationship was less solid than she had made it seem, Harvey decided not to inquire further. Her level of commitment didn't matter. If Donna wasn't in love with the man she was dating, she alone had the power to change the situation. She had to. No use in getting his hopes up—although he knew that if he dared to look, he'd already find them to be sky high.

"What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

Mike let the question sink in. "Do you still love her?"

"Of course, I do."

"Do you think there's a chance she'll want to get back together?"

Harvey mulled over the idea for a moment. "I don't know. At first, I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure."

"Then find out, because not knowing will kill you."

"Are you saying I should go back to California?"

"You guys are talking, right? So, talk. You and Donna had the strongest bond I've ever seen two people have. That can't just have disappeared."

Harvey tended to agree, but did Donna? "I hope you're right, Mike."

"Listen, I've always rooted for you guys to be together. That hasn't changed."

He smiled. "Thanks, Mike. Now, tell me, how is Rachel doing? When is she due again?"

* * *

Tuesday night Harvey stared into the liquid in his glass, the fire from the fireplace casting all kinds of dancing shadows in the darkness.

Looking around his too empty apartment, his thoughts drifted back to his time spent under the California sun. From deep within, an urge arose he had thought he'd discarded forever; he longed to talk to Donna, to hear her voice—even to discuss the weather, if that was all they had to say to each other. They hadn't spoken since Sunday, and he wasn't sure how to approach the distance. Likely, all he could utter was how he missed her, but he didn't want to be pushy. Nevertheless, he felt compelled to keep the conversation going or they might lose momentum.

Staring at his phone, he searched for ways to engage her, knowing he was probably overthinking the whole situation. But the burning in his heart increased, and before he could stop himself, he'd selected the two photos he had taken the day before and sent them to her with the caption "New York misses you."

.

Donna laid back in Jeremy's arms, empty glasses on the table, movie playing on the television. His flannel shirt was soft against her cheek as she halfheartedly tried to follow the plot of whatever crime flick he had chosen.

They had devoted many nights like this on her couch, and the comfort she discovered in these moments was one of the main reasons she stuck around. He was good company, and she didn't want to be alone.

Tonight was no different.

Having spent all of Sunday by herself thinking about the changes she wanted to make, Donna had found herself paralyzed, unable to turn her back on the life she had so carefully crafted. But the more time she'd squandered on introspection, the more she had realized she had strayed too far from the person she once was. And something had to give.

"Would you like another drink?" she prompted, motioning towards the table before getting up. She may not be in love with her boyfriend, but he was here. And perhaps she could pretend for a little while longer.

When Donna returned with two full glasses, Jeremy looked at her quizingly and asked, "Who is Ghost?"

She didn't let the question faze her and with a smile on her lips took her seat on the sofa, handing him his glass of Coke while her insides burned. "Nobody. Just an old friend I ran into the other day. From back in New York. I never thought I'd see them again, hence the name."

"Them?" Jeremy cocked an eyebrow, and the guilt she felt flush her cheeks made her look away.

"Him," she said to her wine.

"I see." He sat up straight, muting the television. "Just an old friend?"

Donna took a deep breath. "My ex," she explained, feeling weird calling Harvey that, knowing full well he was so much more. However, for this conversation the term would have to suffice.

"So, your ex shows up while I'm out of town and you don't bother to tell me? That's just great, Donna."

"Listen, I was surprised to see him again, that's all. I didn't want to worry you."

"Should I be worried?"

_Yes_. "No. He was only here for a week. His mom died."

"But you guys are talking now? He obviously has your phone number."

Donna sighed audibly, tired of his third degree about a subject she had already spent far too much time chewing on these last few days. "I guess we are."

Using more force than necessary, Jeremy set his drink down, a small splash finding a path over the rim, pooling around the base and seeping into her wooden table. "I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that."

With all her might, she tried to hide the indifference she experienced, more concerned with the stain that sticky liquid was sure to leave. "I'm sorry you feel that way." At least that wasn't a lie.

Jeremy stared at her, dumbfounded. "You're not even going to pretend you care that this bothers me? Jesus, Donna." He got up and grabbed his jacket, striding to the front door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home." And with that, he slammed the door behind him.

The dull thud didn't worry her. He'd be back. Instead of engaging her when things had gotten rocky, she had grown accustomed to him running out at the first signs of struggle. Over time, she'd come to learn it was his way of dealing with his temper.

Exasperated, Donna grabbed her phone to check what her haunting had sent.

Upon seeing Harvey's selfie, her heart skipped a beat. She hadn't seen a picture of him in two long years, but now here he was, looking like he was freezing in Central Park, but smiling, nonetheless. Taking a closer look, she recognized the exact location and a chill went down her spine. _Their_ spot. Zooming in to gather every detail she could, she studied the photo for a minute longer, lingering on his face like his features were a treasure she had finally recovered after they had been lost for too long.

The caption he'd added warmed her already pounding heart, so she texted him back.

_Wow! I miss it, too. Send me more photos!_ Of you.

_Glad you liked them. Wasn't sure you would..._

Okay, clearly distance wasn't their thing.

_I did. Jeremy not so much._

_What do you mean?_

_He saw your texts and wondered who you were, so I told him. He didn't take it well._

_Shit, I'm sorry._

Not really in the mood to get into it, Donna turned the muted TV off and left her phone inside, ignoring the buzzing of another incoming message while she sauntered off onto the deck. Opening the sliding doors, the sound of the waves calmed her like a late summer's lullaby, even though the air was cool on her skin as she settled back in one of her comfy chairs, looking up at the midnight sky. She draped a blanket over herself, the fabric soft and warm against her legs.

Many a night she had spent here, by herself, with Jeremy, with friends. It was her favorite place in all of southern California.

Staring at the twinkling lights up above, the desire to move on and really confront her own feelings finally overtook. She knew she needed to end her relationship. Continuing to pretend she was in love with him wasn't fair. He deserved to be with someone who actually was. And if that meant she'd be alone again, so be it. She had been alone for most of her life, anyway. She could handle another period of solitude. _Tomorrow, _she thought. She'd tell him tomorrow.

Sometime later, Donna woke to the sound of a door closing and footsteps approaching. The sky was pitch black, giving her no clue about the time, and she realized she must have dozed off as she stifled a yawn.

Still a little hazy around the corners of her consciousness, she scanned her deck to find Jeremy hunched over the railing, looking out at the ocean in the distance. So, she slowly got to her feet and shuffled over to where he was standing, not having expected to see him so soon. Regardless, she was convinced this wasn't the right time to tell him about her decision. Anything life changing like that needed some daylight to take the sting out.

"You came back."

"I'm sorry I overreacted." Being a man of few words, Jeremy turned his body towards her, planted his hands on her waist and dipped his head down, pressing his lips to hers.

Automatically—in a state of half-sleep—Donna returned the kiss and leaned into him. She even allowed him to wrap himself around her frame, unwittingly inviting him to deepen the kiss as he pulled her close.

Taking her cue and running with it, Jeremy let his hands roam, cupping her ass before traveling upwards and fondling a breast, ready to apologize in the best way he knew how.

As if struck by a jolt of electricity, Donna froze. Suddenly, the thought of him wanting to make love to her was nothing less than nauseating and she pushed him away.

Wide-eyed, she stared at the man in front of her who sported a confused look. He was about to open his mouth when she beat him to it. "I am so sorry, Jeremy, but this has to end," she stated with more certainty than she'd felt in a long time.

He stared at her, his brows drawn. "What are you talking about?"

"This." She motioned between them. "I can't do this anymore."

As what she was saying settled, his face fell. "You're breaking up with me? Jesus Christ, I don't believe it! What? Did you fuck that guy also?" The venom in his voice increased with every syllable, causing Donna to step back. She remembered all too well what had happened last time he'd lost his temper. _Shit_. She should have eased him into it, not blurt out the truth like that…

"No! I didn't sleep with him!" She took a breath, hoping some oxygen would calm them both down before she continued. "But seeing him again made me see… I am not over him, either."

Reality's weight forced her to lower her head, and she peered at her feet nervously. There was no going back now.

"Fuck!" Jeremy turned away from her, letting a silence fall, taking in what she was saying before facing her anew. "Are you in love with him?"

"No, I'm not," she responded without thinking. The truth was neither here nor there, anyway.

He scanned her face for any sign she was lying to him but couldn't find one. "Do you still love me?" he pleaded, his voice having lost most of its edge.

Even in the darkness, his blue eyes were piercing as he waited for her reply.

Donna wished she could lie. Wouldn't that be easier? It sure as hell would keep her from hurting someone she cared about. Instead, tears welled in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She barely got the words out past the sob trapping her voice, but he must have heard her, because he went inside and slammed the front door behind him for the second time that night, leaving her by herself out in the chilly air under a thousand watching stars.

Donna dropped to her knees and let the tears flow freely, shackled by her failures.

* * *

The following evening, Harvey had just gotten out of the shower and was already in bed with a book when his phone rang. The hour was early, but because he hadn't been sleeping well lately—and last night especially—he was eager to make up for the z's he'd missed.

Donna had never answered his last text, and he had grown increasingly worried throughout the day. His first instinct had been to call and check in, but he was still apprehensive about reaching out—a little voice inside his head telling him to give her space. He decided to listen, meaning he would hold off for twenty-four grueling hours before he'd try again.

So, when he looked at the display, his heart stopped momentarily.

"Hey!" he beamed, fighting hard to contain his thrill at her call as he immediately sat up straight and put the book away, clearing any distractions to focus solely on her. At least over the phone he could picture her a few blocks from here instead of across the country, and relief coupled with joy tingled his excitement.

"Hey, yourself." Donna smiled at his enthusiasm, letting her gaze drift up to the pastel colored sky as she sat back in her deck chair.

"How are things in Santa Monica?"

"Messy. Jeremy and I broke up."

Harvey's heartbeat fastened at her confession, but the sadness in her voice was hard to miss. So, she was feeling bad, but she was single again, and she had just told him about it. "I'm sorry, Donna. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. And don't be sorry. It's better this way. I need to focus on the play, and now I get to do that, without interruptions," she said matter-of-factly, her statement carrying a veiled warning.

He took the jab valiantly. "How's that going?" he asked, sinking back into his propped-up pillow.

"Really well. Only a few more rehearsals and then the dress rehearsal. All performances are practically sold out. It's so exciting!"

Her voice filled with delight whenever she spoke of the theater, and Harvey loved her happiness. Almost involuntarily, he closed his eyes, picturing her lazy smile and the way her eyes would wrinkle at the corners when she did. Then his imagination drifted off and she laid back in his arms while he absentmindedly ran his fingers through her hair and over her skin, like he had done so many times before.

"I wish you could see it," she said, transporting him out of his trance, and he blinked to focus on reality.

"The guy playing Jacob Marley could be Louis' twin brother. He is so funny!" Donna grimaced as soon as realized that in all her excitement, she had unintentionally invited him.

"You know I would love to." That was an invitation, right? "I had lunch with His Honor a couple of weeks ago."

"Really? How is Judge Litt? Are he and Sheila still together?"

"I think so. He had his daughter with him. She's gotten so big. Thank God she looks like her mom, though," Harvey chuckled.

* * *

_Louis became a father to a beautiful baby girl a few months after Donna and Harvey moved in together. Around the same time, Rachel announced her first pregnancy, so everyone had babies on their minds._

_One afternoon, Donna went home early without telling Harvey why. The move was out of character and therefore unsettling to him, and when she didn't answer his calls, he wrapped up for the day as quickly as he could._

_When he got to his condo, he found her on their bedroom floor with the phone in her lap. She stared at it, expressionless, not looking up when he called her name._

_Panic struck him like lightning, and he rushed to her side, sitting down next to her, and capturing her hand in his._

_"Donna? What's going on?" He tugged some loose strands of auburn behind her ear, revealing her face and the tears she had shed. "Please talk to me."_

_Donna struggled to find the words. How did you tell someone he would never be a father because you couldn't give that to him?_

_Unbeknownst to Harvey, she had always hoped to one day bring new life into this world—created from a union with the man she loved. Although she had a feeling she had missed the boat, she went to see Louis and Sheila's fertility doctor anyway—without Harvey's knowledge. He confirmed that her reproductive potential had diminished significantly, and at forty-five there was very little chance of conceiving. Even in the unlikely event she did, there would be a much higher risk of complications for both her and the baby._

_The news had knocked the wind out of her. At the same time, she was ashamed for her inability to do the one thing half the world seemed to be capable of. But mostly she was terrified Harvey would leave her; his desire to be a dad larger than his love for her._

_So, she stayed silent, letting the doctor's words ricochet around her mind until all she could hear was the word '_failure'_._

_When Donna remained unresponsive, Harvey took her phone and checked the call log. The most recent number had no name assigned, so he tapped it, hanging up and dropping the device the minute he'd gotten the information he needed. All color drained from his face as he cradled her on the floor. He didn't need specifics if she was this down after a call from a fertility clinic._

_Her sorrow was almost too much for him to handle. Donna Paulsen was the strongest woman he knew, yet she was reduced to nothing but a blubbering mess, and he hadn't a clue about consoling her, so he just held her._

_For Harvey, hearing the news that they would never have a baby of their own came as a shock. He was finally in a place where having a family was on his mind more often, certain of the fact he and Donna would be together until the end of their days. And he'd always figured there was still time. Knowing time had run out left him heartbroken, not only for himself, but for the woman he loved more than life itself. But she'd kept it from him, and he wondered why._

_That night, Donna was laying in bed when Harvey crawled under the covers. Facing away from him, all she could think about was how he would never understand what this felt like. This was her cross to bear, a burden to carry until the grave and her heart shattered anew. She wiped at the moisture, her cheeks raw from all the tears she'd shed while Harvey slid over to her, his shirt and body warm against her back as he molded himself against her frame. His arm wrapped around her tightly before he dropped a tender kiss to her shoulder._

_"Why didn't you tell me you had made an appointment?"_

_Donna squeezed her eyes shut, unable to meet his gaze._

_"I don't know, Harvey. I guess I already knew the outcome, and I was afraid of what you might do when you found out as well."_

_Eventually, she rolled on her back, careful not to break down again._

_Even in the dark, she seemed inconsolable and Harvey nearly faltered in pressing the subject, but he needed to tell her how he felt. So, he placed his hand on her cheek, running his thumb back and forth._

_She looked so small. And to see his rock crumbling worried him the most. "I know we never really discussed it before, but Donna, this doesn't change anything for me."_

_"How can you say that? I know you've always dreamed of becoming a dad someday. And I can't make you one." She closed her eyes briefly, needing a break from his compassionate gaze. "I'll understand if you—"_

_"Donna, stop. I love _you_. I'm not going to leave you because of this." How could she even think that?_

_She remained silent, wanting to believe him more than anything._

_Sure, it may have_ felt _as if they'd been together forever, in reality they had only been in a relationship for a few months. Pledges of spending eternity together were made when unadulterated bliss filled their hearts and lives. But what would happen when something big like a childless future crushed all of that, forcing them to reassess those promises?_

_The thought of losing him terrified her. She could never go back to a life without him, and a fresh wave of despair washed over her, so she buried her face in his chest, holding on to him tightly as if that might make him stay._

_"You know I'm all in. I'm not going anywhere." She still didn't respond. "Donna. I need you to tell me you know I won't leave you."_

_"I know, Harvey," she mumbled to the fabric of his shirt. Somewhere deep down, she knew. But knowing and feeling weren't the same thing, especially with too many other emotions warring inside of her._

_"You can't keep things like this from me. We're in this together."_

_"I know." She really had to learn to let him in._

_Harvey held her close until she fell asleep in his arms._

_It was the first major hurdle they'd had to tackle as a couple. The road had been rough, especially for Donna, who, for the longest time, couldn't fake excitement when Louis showed her yet another picture of his little girl. Luckily, by the time Rachel had given birth to Billy, she was better able to handle her friend's joy, secure in her relationship with Harvey while forever feeling like she had missed out on something big and therefore forcing the man she loved to miss out, too._

* * *

Donna was fidgety, realizing how talking to Harvey was like coming home after having been homeless for too long. Conversation flowed so naturally, easy, like no time had passed between them whatsoever and it made her thirst for more. The most comforting thing she found was that he _knew_ her. Her past, the good, the bad, and everything in between. She didn't have to hide around him, as her recent revelations proved.

The first stars appeared in the ever-darkening sky above her, and she pictured him in his apartment, _their_ apartment, sipping on his scotch while a fire crackled soothingly. She had lived for those lazy evenings that had turned into long nights when it had only been the two of them.

In her heart, she yearned for those moments, the weight of having lost them never heavier than right now as she listened to his gentle breathing.

Her voice was soft when she asked, "What happened to us?"

The question blindsided Harvey, shaking him to his core, never having had the chance to discuss that pivotal moment in their history. He suddenly wasn't sure he could. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Come on, Harvey. You must have given it some thought... It's been two years."

As much as he tried, Harvey couldn't find the words, so he waited. Trusting that she was going somewhere with this and willing to follow her lead.

"I've been thinking a lot…about us… We were gonna be together forever," she murmured.

In the ensuing quiet, the memory sounded hollow. Each would have bet their lives on that avowal at some point, yet here they were.

Donna continued. "And I don't understand how two people who were so happy and fully committed to each other ended up like us."

"Well, it wasn't just us. There were a lot of outside forces at play, too. I think we also got a bit overwhelmed with our jobs, and then your dad…" He ran his hand over his face. He would handle everything so differently now, prioritizing her over all else. How had he not done that? She was the most important person in his life—had been for much longer than they had been together—and he'd taken her for granted.

Flashes of their time together flickered before her eyes, and although she wished they were all happy ones, there were plenty of memories she'd rather not have. Aside from the problems he just mentioned, she mostly remembered how lonely she had felt at times and suddenly a lump formed in her throat. "You weren't there for me," she whispered. The memory still broke her heart and in a flash of clarity the realization dawned that she might not have forgiven him for that part yet.

No matter how softly she had spoken, the words cut him deeply. "You shut me out," he countered. There was no blame is his statement, only pain, causing his own voice to break.

"You pushed me away."

Patterns, patterns, patterns.

"Donna," he said, requesting her attention. "I never should have let you go."

Listening to her uneven breathing, Harvey wondered if she was crying. "Why didn't you give me a second chance? You just packed up and left." He swallowed thickly. After all this time, not knowing why he hadn't been allowed to redeem himself was the biggest question he still carried, and her abandoning him like that was something he had yet to come to terms with. He bit his cheek, fighting the tears. Why did people always leave him?

A long silence followed.

Donna had trouble explaining why, but her reasoning boiled down to a single thing. "It just hurt too much."

The damage hung between them, both at a loss for words and neither ready to end the call. So, they kept the phones pressed to their ears, listening to the other's breaths fill the silence.

It was Harvey who eventually spoke. "Donna…"

She closed her eyes as her name rolled off his tongue, the familiar sound calming like the morning sun after a night of thunder. "Yes, Harvey."

"Can I see you again?" He almost added a 'please'—not above begging at this point.

She smiled to herself. He was being persistent, and she needed him to be, being too much of a mess herself to navigate whatever this was. "I'd like that."

A grin covered Harvey's face. "Good night, Donna."

"Good night, Harvey."

As the three beeps of the call ending sounded, Harvey stared at the phone in his hands. They were making progress. One thing was for sure, things were no longer the same. Being back here now, he understood why she had left.

And he knew he couldn't stay.

* * *

Harvey looked out the window as a bell dinged and a voice broke through the noisy surroundings. "_Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return to your seats and keep your seat belts fastened until the seat belt sign is turned off. Thank you._"


	8. Stage

_A/N: I've been trying to write on the plane and ever since I got here, but it's been hard… I still hope this chapter turned out okay. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments, even the one person who said they didn't like the story but now love it. You are awesome. :)_

_**Warning**: Some M-rated themes._

* * *

**8\. Stage**

Harvey was pacing back and forth, cursing to himself. His flight had made an emergency landing in Shitsville, USA, because of the turbulence, forcing him to spend the night at a crappy airport hotel, promised by the airline he would be on the first flight out to Los Angeles in the morning. But morning had turned into afternoon and he was still no closer to where he needed to be.

Fate had brought him and Donna back together, but maybe this was fate telling him he had made the wrong decision and should turn around. Not being in control made him restless, so for the umpteenth time that day, he checked his phone for any distraction he could find, only to find the damned thing had died.

After his talk with Donna on Wednesday, Harvey had decided to go back to California and this time it would be indefinitely. He had told John McCarthy, the managing partner at the firm, he would be taking a sabbatical. Having explained the need for a break with no particular details, McCarthy had agreed to three months leave, not at all happy Harvey was leaving immediately, but knowing full well he had earned his stripes.

Harvey figured three months would be plenty of time to determine if California was a permanent destination, not at all averse to quit if he needed to after that time.

So, he had spent Friday handing over all of his cases and packing up his stuff. He had booked a flight out to LA for the next day. He wasn't going to waste any more time. Donna's opening night was as good a moment as any to show up again. She would never expect it and he loved surprising her in a way that dumbfounded her. He hadn't managed it often, but that made it all the more satisfying.

He just needed to figure out how to tell her he was there to stay without freaking her out.

Rummaging through his carry-on for his charger, he brushed against velvet, the object small in size, but big in significance. While emptying out his apartment, he had found the ring in a box he didn't know he had. The gold band with the square cut diamond was her engagement ring. He had put it on her finger not long after they had gotten together. Back when they had both been convinced they would be together forever.

She must have left it when she'd left him. He hadn't even thought about it until he'd come across it and it made the memory of her leaving exceedingly painful. Why hadn't he married her when he'd had the chance? Was that part of the reason why she left? His inability to fully commit?

He found his phone charger and plugged it in, the device immediately springing back to life. Bored out of his mind with no new messages or new emails, he scanned through old ones.

Donna had created a separate inbox, automatically transferring all her emails to a different folder that would highlight her name when she'd sent him one. Harvey never was able to delete it and now was glad he hadn't.

Dated about a year after they had gotten together and after Donna had gotten a new job, he found a thread he'd started, titled 'Tonight'.

_Hey Beautiful,_

_I just wanted to thank you again for last night. The way you cared for Haley after her breakdown is beyond amazing. Marcus is right. You really are an angel._

_Are you doing anything tonight?_

_Love you, _

_H._

Donna's reply was simple.

_I am. You._

_Xx_

_Ps. I love you, too. And Haley is family. We do anything for family. _

Her sass was something he had always loved about her. She could match him in pretty much every aspect of his life. No woman had or would ever come close. Donna had positively ruined him.

Reading the message again put a smile on his face. He had initially wanted to thank her, but she had ended up making it a memorable night for both of them. He still remembered what she had worn, what they'd had for dinner and how they had made love all night long. He wondered if she remembered, too.

His screen notified him of an incoming message. A picture of an empty theater, probably her theater, with a caption that read _Pre-show jitters… _His heart warmed knowing after everything that had happened between them, Donna was now including him in her life.

Problem was, she thought he was thousands of miles away.

Hearing his name called out, made him shift his attention. His flight was finally scheduled. And if he was lucky, he would make it to Santa Monica just in time. He quickly typed his reply to her.

_You'll be fine. Have fun!_

* * *

On Saturday, Donna had lunch with Mary. Mary was well in her sixties, an old hippie with long, gray hair, who always seemed to be enjoying herself. Lively, like the colorful clothes and flashy jewelry she wore. She volunteered at the theater, helping out with wardrobe and make-up for each production. Mary and Donna had become good friends ever since Donna had joined the group.

Donna wished she could someday live as carefree as her friend, observing and learning from her every chance she got. She had a mentor, for the first time in her life.

Always the observant one, Mary had asked Donna if everything was okay in such a way, Donna had had no choice but to explain her current situation. The last time they had spoken, it had been clear Donna was distracted, but Mary had refrained from pushing it, hoping Donna would open up on her own.

Glad to have someone near to confide in and cut through her defenses, Donna hadn't held back, telling Mary exactly what and who had been on her mind these past two weeks.

After their lunch, Donna had gone for a walk on an almost empty stretch of beach near the pier. Talking to Mary and Rachel and even Harvey had helped her put things in perspective. Gradually coming to terms with her situation, she allowed herself to feel the pain of her past and her present; the intense feeling of rejection from Harvey she thought she was over; the guilt she felt over not giving Harvey a second chance; the shame of allowing Jeremy to treat her the way he had. It was all so much and yet she was still standing.

Looking out over the ocean, she felt a confidence in the future she hadn't felt in years. She would be okay. No matter what her future might hold.

* * *

On Sunday, Donna walked into the theater early. She always liked this time alone. There was a special energy in the air on opening night. It made her feel on edge. Taking a quick picture from the stage, she scrolled through her last messages and sent it to Harvey. Except for a few texts, they hadn't talked much since their last phone call on Wednesday, having been focused on the play and her new life as a single fifty-year-old woman. However, she felt the need to share this with him. He had been to so many of her opening nights, it kinda felt weird now that he wasn't here.

The afternoon went by fast with final preparations and fittings. After dinner, Donna and Mary were walking down the hallway to Donna's dressing room, the two women lost deep in conversation. When she walked through the door, Donna was greeted by the biggest bouquet of flowers she had ever seen. Her mouth fell open in surprise. Peruvian lilies mixed with roses of all color in a beautiful vase adorned her otherwise empty dresser.

"Wow!" Mary exclaimed. "Whoever sent these, sure likes you."

Donna thought of Jeremy, remembering how he'd told her he had rebooked his flight to be there for her tonight. Maybe this was his way of reaching out, knowing better than to expect him to show up.

Reading the message on the card made Donna's heart skip a beat.

_Break a leg, Beautiful. -Harvey_

Donna smiled to herself. He'd remembered.

"So, who sent them?" Mary probed excitedly.

* * *

Harvey's plane finally touched down at 6 pm, giving him exactly two hours to gather his luggage and pick up his rental. The theater wasn't too far, so if he hurried, he might just make it.

The hard-top convertible was impatiently waiting for him in the Avis parking lot. Harvey took off his jacket, feeling like he was letting the past slip off his shoulders, happy to embrace the moderate temperatures and his decision to come to California. With rolled up sleeves, he revved the engine, jerking the car in the direction of Santa Monica.

Pulling into the parking lot of Big John's Gym with only ten minutes to spare, Harvey pulled the ticket he'd bought a week ago out of his coat pocket. At the time, he hadn't been sure if he would ever use it, but he'd gotten it, just in case. Thank God he did, because as he approached the front entrance of the theater, 'Sold Out' was printed in big bold letters across the lit marquee.

Taking a seat at mezzanine level, he had a good view of the stage without the chance of her noticing him.

Watching his favorite redhead from the audience reminded him of all the times he'd seen her on stage before, cheering her on as her boss and later as her man. Now he was just a friend and for the first time in two weeks, he was actually okay with that concept. Two weeks ago, he had been in mourning over the loss of his mom, not having seen Donna in two years and now here he was, his life turned upside down. He didn't know what the future held for him. Anything could happen and for once that was a good thing.

* * *

After the show ended, Donna's dressing room was crowded, which was quite easy for the twelve by twenty-foot space she had called home for the past several weeks. Some of her fellow actors and crew were all celebrating a successful first show with champagne and laughter when Mary appeared in the door opening, motioning for Donna, who made her way over.

"There's someone here to see you," Mary said with a big grin on her face, her jewelry rustling as she spoke.

It was then that Harvey, who had been leaning against the wall next to the doorway, materialized; his hands in his pockets and a sheepish smile on his lips.

"Hey." He chuckled to himself at her appearance. Her hair was still up from the wig she had worn for the part, make-up covering her face.

Donna stared at him blankly.

Mary moved out of Harvey's sight before giving Donna an over-the-top wink and two thumbs up.

Donna ignored her.

"Ehm, hi." She frowned in surprise, looking up at the man in front of her, with his rolled up sleeves and ridiculously big biceps.

Harvey scanned her face for any sign confirming he'd made the right decision, feeling more nervous with every passing second, because the frown on her forehead didn't dissipate.

"What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't very well miss your opening night."

"But… You sent flowers…" She looked at him, mystified.

"I know," he said factually.

"I… I don't know what to say," she admitted, her face relaxing.

Harvey's grin widened, amused he'd managed to render her speechless once again.

"You were great out there." He leaned down and kissed her cheek, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Donna closed her eyes at the contact.

"Thank you, Harvey." She met his gleeful gaze, finally taking a breath. He had to stop taking her breath away. "Would you like some champagne?"

"I'd love some."

Harvey followed her inside. The crowd in the dressing room gradually fell silent as they took in the stranger that had just entered.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Harvey Specter." Donna tried to hide the feeling of pride she felt at her words, unsure where it originated from.

Harvey proceeded to shake everyone's hand when Mary walked in. Being a foot shorter than her redheaded friend, Mary drew Donna down to her level, whispering in her ear excitedly, "He's here!"

"He sure is," Donna whispered. She felt a little giddy now, too. Was it simply his presence in her world that made her feel this or was it something deeper?

Harvey caught the two women murmuring and had a feeling it was about him, so he approached them.

"Harvey, I'd like you to meet my friend Mary. Mary, Harvey."

"We already met," Harvey said with a smile.

"We sure did," Mary said flirtatiously.

Harvey smiled, raising his eyebrow at Donna, who just shook her head, smiling back.

Mary clapped her hands, causing her many bracelets to clash together in concert.

"Alright, people, let's give these two some privacy. Jenna has cake in her dressing room."

"Mary! We don't need–," Donna started.

"Yes, you do. I'll see you tomorrow." With a wink, Mary left the room, leaving behind a bewildered Donna and an even more stunned Harvey. This was definitely awkward.

"I'm guessing she knows who I am," Harvey inquired softly.

"She does."

Donna greeted everyone who left and took a seat at her vanity. She began taking out all the bobby pins holding up her hair, something she would be doing every day for the next week.

Harvey tried not to stare, the scene in front of him something he'd been witness to several times: Donna undoing her hair and make-up at the end of the evening. He had to keep himself from helping her, his mind recalling what it had felt like to massage her bare shoulders and caressing the soft skin of her neck with his lips.

"So, where are you staying?" Donna looked at him through the mirror as she dropped a pin on the desk, the tiny sound filling the empty space and silence between them, calling Harvey's attention back to the room.

_Shit!_ Had he been staring?

"I actually booked a hotel, but I haven't checked in yet. My flight was late. I almost didn't make it on time." Harvey leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms and ankles.

"Well, I definitely hadn't expected to see you here tonight." She met his eyes again. "But I'm glad you came."

"Good. So am I," he smiled at her. "Would you like to get a drink somewhere? I'd like to talk to you."

"Ehm… sure. Mary picked me up this afternoon, so if you don't mind dropping me off afterwards, that'd be great." She continued plucking the pins. Just a few more to go.

"Or we can just go straight to your place for a drink?" The words were out before he could stop himself and judging by the look of horror on Donna's face, he'd made her uncomfortable. "Come on, Donna. I promise, I'll be on my best behavior." He left his position at the door and moved next to her, teasing, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah? Where have I heard that before?" She eyed him skeptically.

"Honestly, though. One drink and I'll be on my way. But if you prefer, we can go somewhere else and I'll drop you off."

Donna contemplated her options. It had been a long day and she was actually looking forward to going home. It was just Harvey. Her boundaries were still in place and if she said 'yes' now, it was her choice to do so.

She met his eyes. "Fine." One drink, she reminded herself. One.

* * *

Harvey walked in behind Donna, following her through the front door which immediately opened into the living room. The room extended into a kitchen with a counter and some bar stools. Big floor length windows covered the backside of the house, now covered in darkness.

He scanned his surroundings, recognizing the décor as hers, soft colors and big patterns, noticing the plants left and right, the books spread across the room. He immediately felt at home.

"Have a seat. I'll pour us some drinks. Wine, okay?" She called out behind her as she made her way to the kitchen.

"Sure. Wine sounds great."

Harvey took a seat on her couch, facing the stone-framed fireplace in front of him. He tried to ignore how much her scent permeating the air was affecting him.

Donna busied herself in the kitchen. Having Harvey in her house was weird. He would need to go home at some point. He knew that, right? Maybe it had been a mistake inviting him…

"You were right. That guy playing Jacob Marley looks exactly like Louis!" Harvey's voice carried into the kitchen.

"I know, right!" She handed Harvey his glass and took a seat at a safe distance beside him. "He once split his pants on stage during a monologue and his underwear had cats on them. I swear to God, he was–"

The sound of keys rustling in a lock cut through her response. Donna froze. There was only one person with a key to her house. She immediately put her glass down and made her way over to the front door.

Harvey eyed her suspiciously, getting to his feet as well.

A groggy Jeremy in his perpetual t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops walked in before Donna had the chance to keep him out. A whiff of beer instantly entered her nose. He'd been drinking. _Shit. _She noticed he was unsteady on his feet as he looked over to Harvey who was standing next to the couch, unsure of what to do.

"What are you doing here?" Here voice was hushed, but stern. Donna coaxed him out the door without too much resistance, closing the door almost all the way behind her, not wanting Harvey to be a spectator to whatever was going on.

"I came to your opening night, Donna." He was slurring his words. "I got backstage and I saw you with him." He pointed towards the house. "We haven't been broken up a week and you're already screwing someone else?" Anger increased in his tone.

Harvey waited impatiently inside, listening intently, but unable to hear precisely what was being said. And he knew better than to fight her battles for her. But then Donna's voice became louder.

"Let go, Jeremy. You're hurting me." Jeremy had his hands on her wrists tightly, pulling her to him, the words he said menacing.

Harvey was at the door in two strides and tore it open forcefully, looking between the two people on the front steps. "What the hell is going on here?"

Jeremy was stunned by the sudden interruption and let go of Donna immediately.

Donna rubbed her painful wrists. "Get the hell out of here and never come back," she spit out.

Jeremy stumbled back, breathing heavily through his nose, weighing his options briefly, before turning around and walking away.

Harvey moved in front of her, knowing she wouldn't meet his eyes otherwise. "Hey, are you okay?" His heart beat so fast he was afraid it would bruise the inside of his chest.

When their eyes met, Donna saw anger and concern reflected on his face, his eyes big, his brows drawn. He looked down at her red wrists, which she tried to cover up by pulling on her cardigan's sleeves.

"Did he hurt you?" Harvey's chest was heaving now.

"No, I'll be fine." She just stared at her shoes, shame making it impossible to look at him.

"Donna," he warned her, clenching his fists. "Donna, tell me now. Has he ever hurt you before?" She was hiding something. Blind rage was building inside of him. He would kill the son of a bitch with his bare hands.

Close to tears, Donna didn't know what to answer. She didn't want to lie, but she could tell Harvey was about to punch a hole in the wall. He towered over her, seething. When had she shrunk or was he really that big now?

"Harvey, just let it go." Her lip trembled, trying to evade the question, which only pissed him off more.

"I can't let it go, Donna. Answer me." He stared her down, unwavering.

She had never seen him this angry in all the years they had been together, and it unsettled her. The whole situation unsettled her. No longer able to contain her tears, she let them fall. "Please, Harvey. He was just dru–".

As soon as the words left her mouth, Harvey turned his back to her. Cursing, he crossed the lawn in the direction Jeremy had left in, his long strides taking him far, fast, still able to make out the man's silhouette in the distance.

Not wanting to get Jeremy killed, she followed him, having a hard time keeping up, but determined to stop him.

Having made it down the street, Harvey hadn't even noticed her approaching until both her hands wrapped around his right wrist, pivoting him around, causing Donna to almost run into him, but stopping just short of their bodies colliding. He was panting, his nostrils flaring.

She looked up into his eyes, his pupils so big, his eyes were almost black. His jaws were locked. "Please, don't do this." She begged him, holding his wrist tightly. "He's not worth it." She kept her gaze steady, waiting for him to see past his rage and see her standing before him. She could tell he was fighting back different emotions, conflicted about his next move.

After a while, he finally closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When his eyes met hers again, they were darker than before, his lids low, the look all too familiar. Wild desire emanated from him, his eyes dropping down to her lips. Maybe it was the proximity of their bodies, or maybe it was his rage turning into lust, but out of nowhere the air felt thicker, her breath caught in her throat and she was aware of her nipples hardening, expecting him to press his lips to hers and not stopping him if he did.

Time stood still.

Suddenly realizing she was still holding on to him, Donna dropped his wrist like it was on fire.

Harvey didn't know what he was doing until she let go of him, breaking the spell they had been under_. _Cursing, he stepped back, running a hand through his hair, the seriousness of the situation finally hitting him. As reality seeped into his brain as to why they were even here in the first place, he lowered his head to make sure she heard every word he was about to say.

"If I ever see him again, I will kill him," he promised in a low growl.

She didn't doubt him, the proclamation sending a shiver down her spine and a bolt of heat straight to her core, this primal behavior turning her on in more ways than she could count.

It took her a second to compose herself.

As the shock of the whole situation finally entered her, Donna started visibly shaking. Her wrists hurting from where Jeremy had forcefully held her and right now, Harvey was standing way too close.

Watching her expression change and the blood drain from her face, Harvey knew she was rattled, having been witness to it several times. He'd never meant to be so aggressive, but the moment he'd seen her in pain, something had snapped.

"Hey, look at me." His tone changed completely, tenderness weaving through the words. When she didn't look up, he lifted her chin up to meet his eyes. "You're okay."

She wanted desperately to believe him yet everything in her told her she was far from okay. She didn't even know what 'okay' was anymore, having not been okay for too long.

"No, Harvey. I'm not." A sob escaped her throat when without thinking she leaned forward, delicately resting her head against his chest. Her carefully built walls crumbled around her. The past didn't matter anymore. She needed him to comfort her right now.

Taken aback by the sudden contact, Harvey's body tensed up. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her, consoling her as he felt a wet patch forming on his shirt.

"Come on, let's get you inside." Harvey commanded.

She let him lead her back into her house.

He locked the door behind them. "I'm staying here tonight. There's no way I'm leaving you alone."

"Harvey, you don't have t–"

"Non-negotiable. That asshole tries to comeback, who knows what he'll do."

She couldn't really argue with that, even though knowing Jeremy, he wouldn't want to try his luck with someone like Harvey.

"And you're changing the locks tomorrow." He didn't mean to sound so bossy, but someone had to look out for her, because she clearly wasn't doing that herself. And he had to wonder why.

They wordlessly took a seat on the couch.

Donna was quiet for a long time. Too long. The tension in the air grew heavier, so Harvey got up to pour them both some water. When he returned and took a seat next to her, Donna finally whispered, "Please don't be mad at me."

All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms. He was pissed as hell at Jeremy, but not her. Never her.

"Donna, what happened? The Donna I knew never would have let herself be treated like this." He frowned, unsure of what was going on with her.

"I don't know, Harvey. Maybe… I feel stupid saying this."

"Just tell me, Donna. It's okay."

His comforting voice soothed her. He could make her feel like everything was going to be alright, just by speaking. "Maybe I was just… punishing myself."

"Why would you need to punish yourself?" His voice grew softer with every word.

"For what I did. For leaving. For not giving you a second chance." She stared at the glass he'd handed her.

Harvey knew all too well how the need to punish oneself could be overpowering, but he hated seeing her like this. A tightness spread across his chest. They were both damaged. It was time they start mending their hearts and together maybe get their broken pieces to fit.

He hesitated briefly but took her hand in his. "You don't have to punish yourself. You deserve better, Donna. Always."

Donna looked at him and saw nothing but love in his eyes. It confounded her. How could he still be so kind to her after everything?

Gathering herself, Donna let go of his hand and stood up. "I'll get the guestroom ready."

"No, I'm staying right here."

"Why?"

"Closer to the front door." If I feel the need to run. "In case he comes back."

Donna didn't feel like arguing. "Okay. You need some sweat pants or something? I'm sure I have something upstairs. You'll be more comfortable."

"I actually have my luggage in the car." He eyed her dubiously, knowing she was not doing well. "I'm here if you need me. You know that, right?"

"I do. I'll get you a blanket and a pillow." She smiled at him faintly.

Harvey watched her as she went across the corner, listening to her footsteps as she made her way upstairs.

* * *

An hour later, Harvey laid back on the couch, a relative darkness filling the room as he stared at the fixtures on the ceiling, annoyed as hell. He was rock hard. Had been for a while. Just remembering the moment they had almost kissed made his erection twitch in his pants. He ignored it. There was no way he was doing anything to relieve himself while in her house, but the damn thing wouldn't ease up and he was exhausted. Maybe some fresh air would do him some good because Donna's scent penetrating his senses didn't help one bit.

He got up, rearranged himself and walked to the back door, sliding it open quietly and letting the night air tantalize his skin. It sure had been one hell of a day. Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins, so he took a deep breath.

All he could think about was how Donna had been abused by some guy; had let herself be hurt and how she seemed to be okay with it. If something as monumental as her self-worth had changed so significantly, he worried about what else might have changed over the last two years.

Making his way over to the edge of the deck, he looked out at the ocean in the distance, faintly hearing the waves break every few seconds. The moonlight lit up the beach in ways he had never seen before. Looking up at the stars he saw a million of them staring back. Everything was different here. He had thought that was a good thing, but now he wasn't so sure.

Harvey turned to go inside after a few minutes, his body more at ease. He spotted the lounge chairs and figured they were probably just as comfortable as her couch. A night outside might really help clear his mind.

Donna's scent filled his senses the moment he laid down and his erection returned with a vengeance. Accepting defeat, he laid back against the soft cushions. The sounds of the ocean relaxed his mind somewhat and he eventually closed his eyes.

* * *

Donna was tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. She'd doze off but would wake up shortly after, only to have her mind racing non-stop. She checked her alarm clock again: 3:42AM.

Some fresh air always helped her sleepless brain. Trying hard not to wake Harvey, Donna glided down the stairs. Peering into the dark living room, expecting to find him on the couch, Donna was surprised to discover the sofa empty.

For a second, she wondered if he had left altogether. Maybe it was all a bit much. She couldn't exactly blame him.

She walked past the counter and towards the door and found it slightly ajar, cool air pouring into her kitchen. Pulling the curtain aside, she saw Harvey in one of her chairs, curled up on his side, his body moving up and down in a steady rhythm, indicating he was fast asleep.

She hesitated, afraid of waking him, but pushed at the door gently. Stepping outside, she took a deep breath.

She studied Harvey's sleeping form, her knight in shining armor, who even in his sleep looked ready for battle.

_I'll never let anything happen to you._

He'd always made good on that promise, hadn't he? She didn't want to think about what might have happened had he not been here. But he was here. Again. He'd said he wanted to talk. Was that about why he was here? How long would he be staying this time? And didn't he have a job? All these questions were making her head spin.

Taking the blanket draped over the other chair, she covered Harvey with it, stiffening the moment he stirred. She watched him grab the cover and wrap himself in it. Donna took a step back and turned around, ready to head back inside, when his voice cut through the night.

"Donna…"

* * *

_A/N: I thought it was kinda funny how in 906 Harvey referenced Top Gun to Donna. :) Anyway, I ended this chapter not how I initially meant to, but it would have gotten too long otherwise. I hope you enjoyed it!_


	9. Sea

_A/N: Again, big thank you for all the overwhelming reviews, including from writers I really admire. You guys are truly awesome._

_I got asked how long this fic is going to be and I honestly wish I knew, but I have no idea. I am letting these characters take me where they want to go, aiming to release a chapter every 7-10 days._

_**Warning**: M-rated content_

* * *

**9\. Sea**

Donna froze. Her name resonated in the darkness, even though it was just a whisper, barely audible. She turned around slowly, just in case Harvey was merely dreaming. Looking at his form stretched out on her lounge chair, wrapped up in the blanket she had just draped over him, Donna waited with bated breath. But the silence stretched on, Harvey lost deep in sleep under the night sky.

Releasing a sigh of relief, Donna made her way inside. If she was lucky, she might still catch some z's. It had been one hell of a day and she had another performance tomorrow.

Once upstairs, all she could think about was the man sleeping outside on her deck. She couldn't remember ever spending the night with him without also sharing a bed. The idea seemed odd to her, but then again, this whole situation was anything but normal.

Only two weeks ago, she'd had a boyfriend and Harvey was just a painful memory she avoided. Now, her boyfriend was gone, chased off by her ex and she and said ex had come very close to kissing. Donna wasn't even sure if that was something she wanted. Undoubtedly, she was still attracted to him, helpless to ignore how great he looked. And all those years spent yearning for his touch had left their mark, her body instantly reacting to his nearness whenever he came close. But kissing would lead to other things and that would only complicate everything. The fact she hadn't properly dealt with her grief, anger, disappointment and a myriad of other emotions concerning their break up, would only stand in the way of whatever she and Harvey were trying to rebuild. So, she needed some distance to figure things out.

And she would tell him exactly that in the morning.

Donna woke at 6AM sharp, like always. Never needing an alarm clock, she wished today her body would have just relinquished to her mind's exhaustion, having not had nearly enough sleep. As she fought the frustration, the thought of Harvey being asleep downstairs crept into her consciousness and propelled her out of bed instantly.

She felt her sore wrists, it being the only reason Donna still even thought of Jeremy. The aftermath of the first time he'd physically hurt her had been quite different, back when she'd still felt she had something to lose. Not anymore.

She was definitely over him.

Drifting down the stairs gently, Donna peered through the curtains as she pulled them aside soundlessly, her eyes coming to rest on Harvey's shape, still sleeping outside as the first light entered the sky.

Coffee. She definitely needed some coffee this morning, feeling hungover, even though she'd only had a glass of champagne last night.

Donna stepped out into the crisp air, feeling the cool breeze as it brushed against her skin. She wondered if Harvey would wake up sneezing. This may be California, but it was still mid-December and nights were certainly colder.

Her deck was nice and large, spanning the width of the house and at least fifteen feet deep. White fencing went all around with the staircase for direct beach access located in the middle. On the left was a table with four chairs and on the right were two large lounge chairs with arm rests and big cushions you could disappear in. Potted plants and lights were scattered all around, adding color to the otherwise dull outdoor area.

Wrapping her robe tightly around her body, Donna took a seat at the table adorned by a small cactus.

Cold air tickled Harvey's nose, but his body was warm from top to bottom, a pleasant heaviness covering him. Where had that blanket come from? He slowly awoke, faintly registering Donna's scent and for a second thinking he had woken up next to her, but memories from the night before came flooding back and he grunted at his current predicament. _Fucking Jeremy. _

Stretching out, Harvey's eyes met Donna's and he froze. It had been so long since she'd been the first thing he'd seen in the morning. The glow of the early morning light covered her in such a way that her ethereal beauty shone in all its glory and all he could do was stare.

"Good morning," she greeted him.

Blinking twice to make sure he wasn't just seeing things, he returned the greeting, slowly getting to his feet and making his way over to where she was sitting.

Donna tracked his every move. His hair was messy, just like she had seen it a thousand times before. His white t-shirt hugged his torso tightly, his nipples clearly visible, and his gray sweat pants were unable to hide an all too familiar bulge she chose to ignore.

"Would you like some coffee?" She offered.

"Please, that'd be great." He ran a hand through his hair and let a yawn escape, taking in his surroundings.

A moment later, Donna returned with an extra steaming cup in her hands, handing it to him.

"How did you sleep?" She asked, propping one leg up on the chair, resting her mug on her knee.

"I slept really great. I don't remember grabbing a blanket, though." He gave her a knowing look.

"I didn't want you to freeze to death," she said before taking another sip.

Harvey brought the coffee to his nose, smelling the aroma of beans and vanilla, at once longing for the lazy mornings they had shared so many of.

"Thank you." The words encompassed so much more than just the warmth she had granted him. "How are the wrists?"

"They'll be fine." She stared into her cup, hoping Harvey would notice her discomfort and drop it.

They sat in silence as the sky slowly turned from gray to morning pink.

"So, last night, in my dressing room, you said you wanted to talk to me about something. What's on your mind?"

Harvey looked at her, still undecided on how to tell her what the reason for his current presence in Santa Monica was. He debated different options, settling for the truth. He took a sip of encouragement, the familiar flavor simply easing him into what he was about to say next. Or so he hoped.

"Well, I uh…" He searched for the right words and came up empty. Maybe this was harder than he thought.

Donna watched him struggle, her curiosity growing rapidly.

"I'm gonna be in California for a while." His voice had been so soft, he wondered if she'd heard him at all. Awaiting her reaction, Harvey saw the beginning of an expression cross her face, but it never really manifested.

"What do you mean? Don't you have a job in New York?" A shadow of hope began to take shape within her.

"I took a break." Harvey chose his words carefully, knowing the effect it might have on her.

"A break?"

"A sabbatical."

Donna let the words sink in for a moment. _He was here for an extended period of time_. She felt the tension between them increase slowly as the potential implications of his decision registered.

"How long?"

Harvey once again debated his answer. "I got John to sign off on three months." He quickly added, "But I don't have to stay here that long." Just in case you don't want me to.

Different emotions flickered across her face when Harvey met her stare. He knew what question would come next, so he threw himself off a ledge. "You were such a big part of my life for so long. And when you left… I had no idea how much I actually missed you until I saw you again." He scanned her face, which was unreadable. "I just miss my… best friend and I would like to be a part of your life again. So, I figured we could maybe spend some time together." Harvey felt self-conscious, shy and slightly bashful. Telling her he simply loved her was probably easier. Fear and hope fought for attention as his heart raced.

Harvey exhaled deeply. That was it. The truth was out.

Donna listened with care. "Spend time together." She repeated his words to see how they felt. She wasn't sure if it was a question, but Harvey continued.

"I just want us to be friends again, and I don't see how we can do that with twenty-five hundred miles between us."

"Are you sure that's all you want?" The question left her lips on its own volition, her subconscious clearly trying to protect her. Donna felt her heart start to pound in her ears, not sure she was ready for his answer.

"Yes." For now.

He was almost convincing, but Donna eyed him skeptically, looking into his dark brown eyes. That glimmer of hope she had felt before however, dissipated. She knew he still loved her. Perhaps, if she were courageous enough to look at her feelings closely, she might find she still loved him, too.

Was friendship even a possibility between them?

"Where are you staying?"

The absence of an objection to his reasons for being there did not go unnoticed. It was quite possible he had made the right decision in coming here, after all.

"I booked a hotel, but I never checked in yesterday. So, they probably cancelled my reservation. I'll find a place on Airbnb or something."

"Wow. I can't believe you're taking such al long break. You've never taken more than two weeks off at a time," Donna stated.

Harvey hesitated, his eyes growing big, like a deer caught in headlights, debating whether to tell her the truth. He took another sip of his coffee, focusing on the cactus between them, hearing seagulls cawing in the background.

Donna noticed his response and looked at him questioningly, suddenly remembering there were two whole years in his life of which she knew nothing about.

"I uh… I actually had to take a break about two years ago." Harvey wasn't sure yet how much he wanted to share about this particular part of the aftermath.

Donna considered inquiring further, sipping her coffee and letting his confession hang in the air. He had been very open with her so far, maybe he wouldn't mind elaborating.

"What happened?" As soon as the question left her lips, she kicked herself, fully aware she could have phrased that better, knowing he was probably going to blame her, which he had every right to do. So, she hid behind her mug, pretending to sip it yet again.

Harvey had half expected her probe and maybe that's why he had brought it up in the first place, somehow still needing her to know what a mess she had created when she'd abandoned him.

"Well… I kinda slipped into a depression." He wasn't sure if he had actually said those words out loud to anyone before, but as they rolled off his tongue, he felt like a heaviness was being lifted from his soul. "I didn't eat or sleep. I kept having panic attacks and after a while, that made functioning at the office impossible. Alex witnessed it all and he helped me out. I went to Boston for a while, till I got my bearings. My mom was actually the one that pulled me through."

Harvey clenched his jaws at that last sentence, the pain of her loss rearing its head unexpectedly, blindsiding him. Thinking back to that time, he had felt so grateful for the woman that had given him life. She would be so proud of him now if she could only see him here, opening up about the most painful chapter in that life. God, he missed her. Harvey blinked forming tears away.

Donna's voice broke him from his thoughts.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

For a second, Harvey wondered if she was sorry for leaving at all. "Yeah, well. I survived." He gave her a half-smile. "Mike told me you had a tough time, too."

"I did. What did he say?" Donna wasn't at all surprised Harvey changed the subject from him to her. However, she was surprised to find that she was no longer unwilling to talk about it. Not with him. Watching him open up encouraged her to do the same.

"Not much, just that he'd never seen anyone in so much pain before." Harvey pushed the image of her hurting out of his mind immediately.

"Hmm… I'm not surprised. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced." Donna stared past the man sitting opposite her. The ocean in the background, the sound of the birds, it made the anguish and despair she had felt seem less extreme now. But the memories were still there. "I'll always be grateful for the two of them for what they did," she professed.

He was, too.

* * *

_Donna arrived in Seattle on a Tuesday afternoon, having spent the night before in a hotel near JFK airport. Mike was waiting for her when she landed, surprised to find her pushing just a single suitcase around. He hardly recognized her. The always composed and perfect-looking redhead looked disheveled, her hair messy, her makeup-free face red, eyes puffy. She looked like someone had just died or rather something had. _

_He hugged her tightly._

_"Why couldn't he be there for me? Why didn't he fight for me?" Donna sobbed into Mike's arms, needing a man, any man to tell her she was still worthy of love. Any other time, Donna would have laughed at herself for thinking so little of herself, knowing full well that any man would be lucky to have her. But when the one man you actually want and love with all your heart leaves you feeling alone and unwanted, it does something to your spirit that can never be repaired._

_They stood there for a while, Mike holding her up as best he could. The longer she cried, the more resentment he felt towards Harvey for his part in their break. Harvey might be his best friend, but Donna was family, too. _

_The ride home was spent in silence, the air heavy with sorrow. Before they entered the house, Donna finally spoke. "Mike, promise me something."_

_"Anything, Donna." He watched her transform into the steadfast woman he remembered her to be, her eyes filled with determination._

_"Promise me you won't tell him where I am. Because if he knows I'm here, he'll be on the first plane out of New York and I don't think I…" She tried so hard to keep that lump in her throat from forming, but it was too strong. She swallowed hard, leaving the rest of the sentence unspoken between them._

_"I promise. I won't say a word." The sheer panic he'd seen cross her features, terrified him. It wasn't _just_ the agony, it was the fact that it was Donna. He'd make sure to let Rachel know to come home as soon as possible._

_Donna spent the first few days mainly in bed, hiding away. Both Mike and Rachel had decided to leave her be, knowing she would surface eventually when she felt up for it. They made sure she knew where to find the leftovers when she had skipped dinner again, only to find the leftover container empty the next morning. _

_That first weekend, Rachel had suggested she and Donna go out for the evening. Maybe some drinks and a girl's night out would do Donna some good. Donna had reluctantly agreed, knowing hibernation was probably not the answer to her troubles, no matter how sheltered and therefore comfortable it made her feel._

_Donna was at the bar, ready to place her order, losing herself in the cacophony of the crowd; the glasses clinking loudly and the noise that was supposed to pass for music coming from the stage. Karaoke was definitely not her thing and the patrons of this bar even less so, but she would stay, just to humor Rachel and also just to feel alive again, however fleetingly._

_She took a breath when the noise from the stage died down, the time between two songs offering a welcome moment of peace. It also gave her a window to place her order without having to yell and the bartender, who was quick to fill up two wine glasses. _

_Donna made her way back to their table when whoever was next on stage opened their mouth and out came four words. Donna stopped dead in her tracks. The singer continued._

And so I'll go, but I know

I'll think of you each step of the way

_I Will Always Love You had always been a favorite song of hers, but hearing the words now was like being flogged with a machete. The glasses she was holding plummeted to the floor, making wine spill all over her beloved Louboutins. Her legs gave out._

_ A small group of people formed a circle around her and yet nobody did anything, assuming the woman on her knees was probably just drunk. _

_Rachel noticed the murmur of the crowd swell and instantly knew something was wrong, pushing her way to the front as fast as possible. She found Donna on the already sticky floor in a pool of wine, her dress ruined, her knees cut from the broken glass, hands covering her face. It was the most horrendous sight she'd ever witnessed._

_Donna never registered any of it, too deeply buried in misery over losing the love of her life, whom she knew she would love always._

_She'd hit rock bottom, convinced that this was her reality from now on. Sleepless nights were spent thinking about how she could have handled things differently, wondering if she should just go back, knowing that it most likely wouldn't change a thing. _

_Round and round she went, dizzying herself._

_One morning about ten days after arriving in Seattle, Donna woke up and decided that she needed a new plan, her hibernation period definitely over. Returning to New York was out of the question, the mere thought of seeing Harvey enough to make her stomach churn, so she made a list of the things that brought her joy. Acting was the first and only thing that came to mind and she took it from there._

_The past was the past. She couldn't change it. All she could do was look ahead and start over. And as resourceful as she was, she was pretty sure she would be just fine._

_It was time she learned who she was without Harvey by her side._

* * *

They finished their coffees in silence.

"I'm gonna get going. There's a 7AM yoga class I'd like to attend. You're welcome to stay here and use the shower if you'd like. I'll give you the Wi-Fi password, so you can use your computer to find a place."

'Welcome to stay' meant welcome to stay this morning and Donna made sure Harvey knew it. It would be a bit awkward to invite him to stay with her in her house so soon. She still needed time to process the fact he was now here for the foreseeable future.

"You sure?"

"Positive. Make yourself at home." Something told her he already felt like he was.

Donna left twenty minutes later, having left him a towel and some soap.

Harvey was still on east coast time and more than ready to start his day. He quickly texted her, afraid he might forget what he so desperately wanted to say to her.

_I forgot to say, the stars here at night are fantastic! _

He was surprised to receive a response immediately.

_You should see them from the observatory._

_Are you asking me out? ;) _

Yeah, this California thing was definitely working out already, Harvey mused to himself.

Donna couldn't help but smile at his flirting. That's the Harvey she knew. That's the Harvey she missed.

_Funny. But if you'd like to go, we can go this week after the show. How's Wednesday?_

Harvey had definitely not expected this, a big grin appearing on his face as he stepped into her bathroom for a much-needed cold shower.

_It's a date. _

* * *

Two hours later, Donna came home to find his car gone. The pillow and blanket he had used were carefully folded and stacked on the couch and she gathered them to take upstairs.

Walking up the steps with the fabrics clutched to her body, a whiff of his cologne teased her nose, making her heart beat faster. She brought the pillow to her face and inhaled deeply this time, the scent doing more than just increase her pulse. Heat pooled in her core as desire coursed through her body. She smelled it one more time, placing the pillow on her bed, before she got undressed.

Stepping in the shower, she let the warm liquid flow down her skin. She'd spotted the wet towel he'd used, imagining him under the spray where she now stood. His hands caressing her surface as he pressed his body against hers from behind, cupping her breasts while making her feel his growing erection. He'd kiss her neck, sucking gently, while he massaged her breasts, letting one hand roam down, slipping in between her legs, spreading them for better access. He'd rub her clit, slipping a finger inside, back and forth, until she'd beg him for release with her fingernails scratching his scalp. He would then bend her over slightly, letting her brace herself against the wall with both hands and he would sheathe himself inside of her, grunting loudly at the sensation.

The slapping sounds of wet skin on skin would fill the air, mixed with their moans and the sounds of the water hitting them until they were both panting. He'd lift her leg for a better angle and pound into her until they climaxed simultaneously. Harvey would then let her rest against his body until their breathing evened out, kissing her lazily, whispering how fucking hot he thought she was between kisses.

Donna hunched forward, leaning against the cold tile with one hand, holding the showerhead in her other, aimed upwards between her legs, the tiny streams like a vibrator on her sweet spot. She felt her orgasm near and had to keep herself for yelling his name as she came hard. Her legs quivered beneath her as a smile appeared on her face.

She was in so much trouble.

* * *

_A/N: So, a little shorter than the other chapters, but that's because this jetlag is being a b*tch._

_Let me know what you think by leaving a comment! :)_


	10. Sunshine

_A/N: Wow, wow, wow! Thank you all for the kind words for this story! It has been so overwhelming to hear how people love it. I never expected any of that. So a big thanks from the bottom of my heart. 907 was exactly how I imagine Casual Harvey being in California, and seeing them together makes this all the more fun to write._

* * *

**10\. Sunshine**

Big John's Gym was bustling this morning with many people scattered around, boxing, jumping rope or hitting the weights. The smells of sweat and disinfectant already permeated the air of the brick building, providing it with a familiar feel. The gym looked the same, except for the Christmas tree that had been put up in the far corner. With only nine days away, the one holiday Harvey was definitely not looking forward to, was fast approaching. It would be the first Christmas without his mom. But with some luck, he'd get to spend it with Donna, which definitely made up for a lot.

Adrian and Tony were talking near the ring at the center of the gym. Upon spotting Harvey, Adrian smiled. He liked a man who wasn't afraid to go after what he wanted and wouldn't hide his feelings in the process, having taken an instant liking to the square-jawed boxer from day one.

"Hey, New York! You're back," Adrian exclaimed excitedly.

Harvey walked over, extending a hand to both men, greeting each with a clap on the back. "Yeah, I got back yesterday."

"I thought you were leaving for good," Adrian inquired.

"So did I," Harvey confessed with a small smile.

"Good to see you again, man. So, I take it, we'll be seeing you around here more often?" The bald man asked knowingly, a grin plastered on his face. He knew exactly why Harvey was back.

"I guess so."

"Good. I have to go. Enjoy your workout, gentlemen." Adrian turned away, leaving Harvey and Tony by themselves.

"So, what brings you back to Santa Monica? Don't tell me it's that redhead that had you going for my throat a couple of weeks ago?" Tony debated with one eyebrow raised.

"What can I say? I lost her once, I'll be damned if that happens again."

"I hear ya, man. You ready to go a few rounds?"

Harvey remembered how he got his ass handed to him the last time he sparred with him, but he wasn't one to back down from a challenge.

"I sure am." This morning he was ready for anything, because for the first time in a long time, things were looking up.

* * *

Donna played with her phone while she waited for the locksmith. She had until 4PM before she had to be at the theater, giving her ample time to think about last night's events and this morning's conversation. She needed to talk to someone, because the chaos in her head wasn't going to clear itself.

Mary had been texting her all morning, wondering what happened, but Donna had replied she'd tell her all about it later, feeling the need to do so in person. So, once again, Donna dialed the all too familiar Seattle number.

Being on maternity leave meant Rachel was now usually available during the day, which was a blessing if Donna ever needed one.

* * *

The soft buzzing of her phone on the nightstand slowly seeped into her consciousness, waking Rachel gently. She patted the nightstand to see who was responsible for said consciousness, needing a minute to fully wake up.

"Hey," she uttered more sleepily than she'd hoped.

"Rachel, are you okay? Did I wake you?" Her friend sounded concerned.

"What time is it?"

"It's 1:30PM."

"I must have fallen asleep." Rachel looked at the little boy still sleeping next to her. Billy would start kindergarten in the spring and right now she enjoyed the time she got to spend with her son, albeit comatose. She slowly got out of bed and made her way downstairs, careful not to wake the little man. "What's going on?"

"Guess who spend the night here last night?" Donna almost sounded giddy, teasing her friend.

"Who?" Her brain couldn't even remember what day it was, let alone guess anyone's name right now.

"Harvey." She smiled a little as his name left her lips, anticipating Rachel's reaction.

Rachel gasped audibly, almost losing her balance on the last step of the stairs, but she held tight to the handrail.

"Jesus, Donna! You slept with Harvey?" Yeah, she was definitely awake now and Billy might be too, she'd screamed so loudly.

"No! I didn't sleep with him. He slept outside."

Rachel's brows frowned. "Why did he sleep outside?" Donna was making no sense. Was she even awake?

"It's a long story. Are you sitting down?"

As Donna explained what had happened, Rachel's incredulity grew by the minute, trying to process it all.

"So, now what?"

"I don't know. I guess we'll be seeing each other more often now. We're going to the observatory on Wednesday. It kinda feels weird thinking he's only here for me. I mean, he doesn't have any other purpose to be here."

"Well, he's always been headstrong when it came to getting what he wants."

"I know. He says he just wants to be friends, but I don't believe him."

"What do _you_ want? Now that Jeremy's out of the picture?" Rachel knew her friend still had feelings for her former boss. She could tell from the energy in her voice, the way she talked about him and the hope that bled in between the words she spoke. Donna had always had a soft spot for Harvey and he knew exactly how to use it in his favor. It was one of the things she actually didn't like about him.

"I don't know if I can be just friends with him anymore. Not after everything that's happened. But I'm definitely not ready for anything else." She fell silent. "Who knows, maybe we can make it work."

Rachel listened intently, an idea presenting itself.

"You know, you're welcome to bring him over for Christmas if you want."

Donna let the words sink in, right away feeling open to the idea, but feeling hesitant, as well.

"I don't know, Rach…"

"Just think about it. I won't tell Mike, but I know he hasn't seen Harvey in over a year. He'd be thrilled. But you have to be comfortable with it first."

"Ok. I'll think about it." Great, something else to ponder over. "Are you sure that baby girl of yours is going to stay put until then?"

"I sure hope so. Although I am so ready to meet her! You might have to help Mike with dinner, though, because by then I'll be as mobile as a beached whale."

"I can't wait. Maybe you'll have the baby while I'm there. That would be so awesome! You're gonna name her 'Donna', right?"

Rachel laughed. Christmas couldn't come soon enough.

A short while later, she ended the call and quickly texted her husband. _Guess who's back in California?_

* * *

Donna impatiently waited for her lock to get changed. The man had been at it for a good thirty minutes, but he didn't seem closer to finishing than when he'd started. Releasing a sigh, she continued reading the book she had started a couple of weeks ago.

The sound of an incoming text sent a tiny jolt of joy through Donna's nervous system as she anticipated reading a certain moniker on her screen, still not having changed his new nickname. How did Harvey have such an effect on her? She really hated that he did, feeling less in control of her emotions regarding him with each passing day.

Picking up her phone, joy was instantly replaced with annoyance.

Jeremy had written: _I am SO sorry for what happened, and I know it's over, but can I please see you? _

Donna ignored him, placing the phone face down. She was definitely not in the mood to confront him, even though she eventually would have to. She had plenty of stuff still at his place that she wanted back and she couldn't wait to get rid of his things, too, already having started gathering them in a box.

With a grunt she put the book down and got up to pour herself some more coffee when Mr. Locksmith informed her he was done, handing Donna a new set of keys and a bill. Now the door to Jeremy was definitely locked for good. The notion pleased her.

Donna reached the theater to find an eager Mary almost bouncing in the parking lot awaiting her arrival. "My God, Donna. You never told me he was so handsome! Tell me! What happened? I want all the salacious details." She was clapping her hands now, the biggest smirk ever covering her face.

Donna got out of her convertible and slung her purse over her shoulder, smiling at the gray-haired woman. Her enthusiasm was infectious, so was her laugh. "There are no salacious details, Mary, but the night sure was eventful." Mary linked her arm through Donna's. The women walked into the theater together as Donna retold the story once more, making their way to Donna's dressing room.

"Do you still love him?" Mary watched Donna as if she already knew the answer, waiting for the redhead to simply acknowledge it to herself.

Donna put her purse down on her dresser, looking at the bouquet of flowers still sitting there, silently waiting for her return. She fingered one of the rose's petals when her eyes fell on his name on the card, causing her heart to make the tiniest jump.

"I do. I just don't know if I love him _that_ way."

Mary looked at Donna wondering who she thought she was fooling. "Is there any other way, especially given your history?"

"I used to think there was." She fell silent, remembering all the times she had wondered _how_ she loved him, back when she was still his secretary, succeeding in making herself believe she didn't want more, because they were friends. "Now I'm not so sure."

The sadness that had befallen Donna did not go unnoticed by Mary.

"Donna, if you don't want to be with him, you have to tell him. He didn't just fly across the country to be strung along by you, even though he might let you do just that."

"I know. I don't want to do that to him. I just need some time."

"Then tell him that." Mary's voice was filled with compassion. Having been around a time or two herself, she knew exactly what Donna was feeling. Their love story was as old as time itself. Two people who love each other but can't seem to be together, despite the fact everybody knows they're meant to be.

"I will."

"Good. Because I do expect some salacious details in the future." She gave her friend a wink, before turning away, leaving Donna by herself.

Donna smiled faintly, grateful to have someone tell her what to do, because right now, she felt as if she were adrift at open sea in the middle of a storm and she had just lost her compass.

* * *

Harvey emptied out his suitcase in the closet of his new digs. Houses in Santa Monica sure were colorful. But it fit the location and the people who lived here. He welcomed the change in scenery, being done with the depressing shades of gray winter on the east coast always presented. They were the same shades he envisioned the void in his heart to be all year round. Gray, cold and lonely. But lately that void had started healing somewhat, light entering it and warming it ever so slightly albeit cautiously.

His phone buzzed in his pants and he quickly pulled it out.

_I always thought you liked winter in New York._

Very funny, Mike. News traveled fast, apparently.

Harvey hit the call button, not in the mood for texting.

"I can't believe you did it!" Mike's voice sounded animated.

"So, you've heard?"

"Of course I did."

"What else have you heard?" Harvey was curious to hear how much Donna had told Rachel, feeling a sense of… Was that pride?

"I heard you made a very romantic gesture, surprising Donna on her opening night. You even sent flowers. And then you chased her boyfriend off, like a white knight."

Wow, so she'd really told Rachel everything.

"Well, I am on a mission after all." Harvey chuckled. "But seriously, Mike, I could have killed him. Did you know he's done it before?"

"Done what?" Mike's voice grew low, unsure what Harvey was saying.

"Hurt her. Physically." Saying the words out loud reignited the fury he had felt burning inside of him that night. There weren't many people Harvey hated, but Jeremy was on top of that fucking list right now.

"Oh my God. No, Harvey. I had no idea. If I'd known, I would have killed him myself. Did she tell you this? When did it happen?" Mike wondered if he'd seen the couple since.

"I don't know. I had to pry it out of her."

"That doesn't sound like Donna."

"No, it doesn't. She feels bad about it, I know that much." Harvey contemplated telling Mike Donna's reasoning, but he decided against it. The trust and vulnerability she'd shown him by opening up to him was something between them. She could tell Mike herself if she wanted to. "And for his sake, I hope I never see him again."

"Is Donna alright?"

"I think so."

"So, how long are you gonna be in California?"

"I don't know." As long as it takes.

"Well, you better make sure to come up here for a visit before you go back."

Harvey smiled. "I will."

* * *

Moonlight peered through the curtains when Donna entered her bedroom, spotting the pillow she had dropped on her bed that morning. _His pillow._ She tried to ignore it, but as soon as she was under the covers, in the darkness, by herself, she couldn't stop herself for bringing it to her nose once again, pulling it to her body as if it were him she was wrapping herself around.

_Home. _

The memories that came with his scent, brought an array of emotions to the surface.

She should have told him she needed some distance to figure things out. Because knowing Harvey, once he sets his mind to something, he won't stop until he gets what he wants. And right now, she was pretty sure he wanted her.

How had he weaseled his way back into her life so fast? In just two weeks' time, her phone now contained photos and messages from him, his flowers were in her dressing room and his scent was on her pillow. And she hadn't objected to any of it. Surprisingly, she had welcomed it with open arms.

She thought back to this morning's conversation and how he had revealed he'd been depressed after their split. It hadn't surprised her, but his candor had. And the unmistakable pain that had shone in his eyes upon mentioning his mom had broken her heart.

Lily was gone and for the first time, Donna felt the loss of the woman she had come to consider as a third parent. Having been such an integral part of Donna's life from the moment she and Harvey had gotten together, Harvey's mother was sure to be missed, leaving a void never to be filled.

When she'd first run into Harvey at Sleepy Joe's, he'd been full of grief, because it had only been a few weeks and he was still grieving now, she reminded herself. Was his bereavement fueling his actions? Didn't Jessica always say never to make major life decisions when reeling from a loss? Clearly, Harvey had ignored that little piece of advice.

Donna let her mind stray, the shadows around her making place for two decades of memories.

* * *

_Harvey and Donna's first Christmas together was spent mostly on the road. First stop was the Specters in Boston on Christmas Eve, followed by the Paulsens in Connecticut on Christmas Day. _

_The firm was in serious trouble and it was pretty clear things were definitely about to change in the next few weeks, which made celebrating the current year that much more meaningful. _

_Marcus and the kids had joined them, too, filling the entire house with laughter and joy. _

_An 11-year-old Haley at one point made Harvey and Donna aware they were standing under the mistletoe and, "if you were under the mistletoe, you had to kiss," she had giggled in her squeaky voice, watching as the two adults embraced lovingly and followed her instructions. But their kiss was no quick peck and Haley was just a bit grossed out by how long her uncle and new aunt were taking. But they were both smiling all the time, so she knew they were happy. She wished her daddy would be happy again like them some day._

_After dinner, Donna and Lily were the only ones left at the table, leaving the men to enjoy their scotch in the den. Harvey had felt a bit weird, knowing he'd shared many a bottle of Macallan 18 with Donna over the years. But this was different, and he'd grudgingly joined Bobby and Marcus._

_"You know, Harvey told me about…" Lily emptied the last bottle of wine in both their glasses, pondering how she could bring this delicately, not knowing how to broach the subject, but wanting to mention it._

_Her mother-in-law-to-be's tone alerted Donna. She had never seen her this cautious before._

_"What did he tell you? You can say it, Lily," Donna encouraged her. She was curious to hear what Harvey discussed with his mom as pride welled inside of her. They'd come so far. After all those years apart, they sure were making up for lost time._

_"About the fact that you guys won't have any children." Lily blurted out, instantly feeling stupid for doing so. _

_"Oh." This was the last thing Donna had expected to talk about tonight and she swallowed hard. _

_"I want you to know that I'm so, so sorry, Donna. And we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know that I know, and should you ever want to talk about it, my door is open."_

_Donna brought the glass to her lips. It had been several weeks since she received the news and Harvey had been nothing but understanding and supportive, but he would never _really_ understand. No man could._

_"I gotta hand it to him, he has been really great about the whole thing," Donna declared, putting the glass in front of her, yet holding on to the base for support._

_"That's the impression I got." Lily eyed the woman in front of her, seeing a sadness in her eyes. "How have you been coping? I mean, I can't imagine what you must be going through, so I won't pretend to know how you must feel. And again, you don't have to talk if you don't want to." Lily waited for Donna, taking in how her shoulders hunched forward ever so slightly, instead of straightened back, the way she always carried herself._

_"I guess I always wanted to have children, but I just never met the right guy. Well, I did, but it took him thirteen years to realize that he loved me. It's not that I blame him, because I don't. And I know he blames himself, but it would have been so wonderful, to have something that was both his and mine. Something we created together..." Donna trailed off, swallowing at the forming lump in her throat._

_Lily reached for Donna's hand. When Donna looked up at her, the older woman wrapped her arms around her and embraced her for the longest time. When they finally broke apart, Lily spoke the sweetest words Donna had ever heard._

_"I don't know if it's any consolation, but I have never seen my son happier than in these past few months. He's told me over and over again how much he loves you. And from all the stories Marcus has told me, you have been so important to him for so long, and all I can do is thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And children or not, he's as happy as he'll ever be. Haley even commented that she'd never seen her uncle smile so much. I think it unsettled her a little." Lily laughed softly._

_Tears were streaming down Donna's face now, but a smile appeared. "I'm really happy, too."_

_"Mom, do you have any more–" Harvey walked in and stopped when he spotted the two women sitting so closely together, immediately sensing something was off. "What's going on here? Are you alright?" He moved over to Donna, unsure of what to do._

_"I'm fine, Harvey," Donna said, while wiping away the wetness flowing down her cheeks. "I was just talking to your mom. You know, she's pretty amazing," she said, giving Lily's hand a squeeze._

* * *

Harvey walked into Sleepy Joe's on Tuesday afternoon. In need of some good coffee before hitting the gym, he spotted Barry, who had an alarming look on his face the moment their eyes met. Harvey didn't know what to make of it, but he followed the barista's gaze to a table near the window.

Donna appeared to be cheerfully chatting to a man in a red polo shirt, who had his back to him and whom he didn't immediately recognize, but the dark hair made alarm bells go off in his brain. The moment Donna looked up, her eyes went wide, and they told Harvey all he needed to know. He felt his blood boil. _Goddamn Jeremy_. What the fuck was she thinking?

He turned on his heel and left the coffee shop, attempting to get his rage under control before confronting her, knowing it wouldn't end well if he didn't calm down first.

Donna's breathing stopped the moment she saw Harvey through the crowd, loathing his exceptional timing. Excusing herself immediately, she got up, leaving a very confused Jeremy behind.

Stepping into the sunshine, Donna stopped and looked around to see if she could spot him, looking for a black V-neck shirt and gray shorts, but Harvey was nowhere to be seen. Thinking he may have gone to the gym, she started towards the theater when she heard his voice behind her.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He growled at her.

Closing her eyes, she braced herself for what was coming next, before turning to face him.

"Harv–"

"Don't 'Harvey' me. What the hell is going on?" He was seething, his arms gesturing wildly.

"Just calm down."

"I don't want to calm down, Donna. Two days ago, this guy came to your house and hurt you." He pointed towards the café. "And now you're in there laughing with him like nothing ever happened?"

"I wasn't in there laughing with him." She held her ground.

"It sure as hell looked that way."

"Will you let me explain?" Annoyance impacted her tone. "I ran into him in there and he only wanted to apologize."

She hadn't exactly run into him. Jeremy had pretty much ambushed her, knowing where to find her after she had ignored his texts. To the outside world, it could look creepy and stalkerish, but his ways never unnerved Donna. She knew him well enough to know that for all his faults he still knew right from wrong.

"He still has things at my place, and I want my stuff back, too. I couldn't exactly shut him out now, could I?"

It was absolutely the wrong thing to say.

"Well, you could with me! You shut me out for two fucking years, Donna! I still have your stuff in storage, just in case you ever wanted it back." Okay. That answered the question whether he had forgiven her for that. He felt like an asshole for throwing that in her face, but he'd had no control over it. How could she abandon him never to look back and give this son of a bitch, whom she didn't even love, every opportunity to make things right?

His rage rose, the tightness across his chest expanded. Harvey blinked hard.

Donna felt like a dagger had dug straight into her heart. "This is different." She said softly, dropping her gaze to the ground between their feet.

Harvey flinched. "You saying what I did was worse?" He didn't want an answer. "He doesn't deserve you Donna!" He yelled at her, for everyone around to hear.

"And you do?" Her eyes shot up to his, a look of contempt on her face. "You come waltzing into my life and you think you can tell me how to live it! You show up here with flowers and some story you've taken time off from work to do what? Be closer to me? And then what? Did you expect me to fall into your arms again like nothing ever happened? Well, that's not gonna happen, Harvey." He may have been great at pushing her away, but she had read that same instruction manual.

His face fell. How could she say that? He'd always felt like she was worth more than he could give her. Hearing her question his worthiness now, was a slap in the face. He lifted his hands up in defeat, feeling his heart break all over again as tears stung his eyes. Harvey glanced past her for a moment to see Jeremy watching them, the red polo standing out in the crowd of people on the street. He took in the man's face as pain made way for more fury.

"It was a mistake coming here." He turned his back to her and walked away.

"Harvey." A tinge of guilt hit her seeing the sorrow in his eyes. Maybe she had been a little harsh. "I'm sorry," she yelled to his back, but he didn't stop. Instead he kept walking until he got lost in the crowd.

Making his way over to the gym, Harvey started the engine of his rental and took off without a destination. Less than forty-eight hours here and he was already questioning his decision. Why couldn't she just… He couldn't even finish that thought, her rejection still too fresh, frustration boiling his insides. Of course, he'd had no right to tell her how to live her life. And maybe he had overreacted. But she should know by now that his need to protect her blinded him. It always had. Why couldn't she see…

Harvey gripped the steering wheel tightly, letting the sun scorch his retinas. That goddamn sunshine all the time was making his eyes water.

* * *

When Donna returned from the theater that night, she parked her car in the same spot in front of her house, wrapping her chunky-knit cardigan around her against the chilly air. She quickly checked her messages as she walked the cobble stone path across her front lawn. Halfway to her house, she looked up to find Harvey sitting on her front steps. His arms were resting on his knees. The glow from her porch light the only illumination hitting him, bathing him mostly in shadows. He was still in the same outfit, with the addition of a sweater added over the V-neck.

He had probably just been driving around all this time.

She took a seat beside him on the cold brick steps, momentarily wondering if he was freezing in those shorts.

"I didn't come all this way to fight." He stared straight ahead.

"I know that."

"And I didn't mean to tell you how to live your life. But when I saw you with him… I don't know. Something snapped." And right now, it felt like she was slipping through his fingers all over again.

"I get it. And I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to say those things." She tried to meet his eyes, but he averted his. "But until we forgive each other…" Donna placed a hand on his bare knee, finally getting him to look at her. "…there will be times when the deep wounds we've inflicted on each other will undoubtedly get ripped open."

Her gentle touch sent a shiver down his spine, making him lose his train of thought for a second. Regaining his composure, Harvey knew Donna had a point, knowing how not forgiving his mom for so long had created an impenetrable barrier, causing nothing but grief. He didn't want that, but he also didn't know how to forgive her. So, he remained silent.

"We both carry quite a bit of baggage, in case you hadn't noticed. We've both hurt each other." Donna took a moment, trying hard not to remember exactly how much. "Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to get over it at all," she whispered, withdrawing her hand.

Scanning his face, Donna witnessed nothing but torment. "Seeing you now confuses me, Harvey. Loving you comes so naturally to me, but then my instincts tell me to stay away." She thought she felt him wince at her words. "When you get burned once, the next time you're near a fire, you'll make damn sure to keep a safe distance. It's an ongoing battle between my heart and my head and it's exhausting." She paused. "I can't be the only one who feels this way."

There was a long silence, and she spent the time measuring the sorrow and the yearning emanating from his body.

Harvey let the words sink in. She was right. As always. Except for one thing.

He stared deep into her eyes. Only his mouth moved as he proclaimed, unwavering, "I know what I want, Donna." He held her gaze only to let his eyes fall to her lips for the shortest of moments.

Donna felt his piercing look in her bones, the notion both terrifying and comforting at once. She finally faltered, "I need time."

She observed how his shoulders dropped ever so slightly.

"Alright." He could give her that. He would give her all the time in the world if she would just give him some reassurance it would all work out in the end. But he knew that was irrational and unreasonable, not to mention impossible. 'If it was meant to be, it would happen,' his mom's voice resonated in his mind. He'd just have to trust in that, no matter how hard it was going to be. He was stupid to think this would be easy to begin with.

Harvey got up slowly and walked in the direction of the car Donna had pulled up behind. There seemed to be a heaviness to his gait, the situation clearly weighing him down. It reached his vocal cords, too, when he grumbled, "Goodnight, Donna."

Donna reluctantly watched him walk away. "So, we're still on for tomorrow night then?" She queried, a hopeful smile playing at her lips.

Harvey looked over the top of the car in her direction.

"Yeah. We are." He smiled, too, but it never did reach his eyes.

Donna let her head fall in her hands as Harvey drove off. Why did it always feel like it was one step up and two steps back with them?

* * *

_A/N: I hope you liked it! :) Let me know what you think. _


	11. Sunrise

_A/N: Right now, Griffith Park closes at 10PM, but five years from now, it closes at 11. :) Once again, my eternal gratitude for all the comments I've received on this story._

* * *

**11\. Sunrise**

Donna awoke with a pit in her stomach, having had a restless night. She did not like the way she and Harvey had left things yesterday. In fact, she wished she could erase most of the previous day and the words she'd spoken in the heat of the moment.

Forcing herself up, she checked the alarm clock, which read 7:28AM. Her days were already moving up from her regular 6AM start, because her nights were currently longer. Luckily, there was another yoga class in an hour she would join.

Grabbing her phone, she glanced at the screen only to be informed there were no messages. Sighing heavily, she let herself fall back onto her pillow. Today was one of those days she should just stay in bed, if it wasn't for the fact she was actually looking forward to tonight.

Afraid Harvey might change his mind, she decided to text him right away, knowing he wouldn't be up for another few hours and her text would be the first thing he'd see.

_Hey, I'm done at 10:15. The park closes at 11, so we'll have to hurry._

Two hours later came his reply.

_I'll be there at 10:15._

His short reply disappointed her, bringing back too many bad memories of their final months together and the distance that had grown between them. She hated it, but she also knew it was solely his fears getting the better of him and it had nothing to do with how he felt about her.

Donna pushed the thoughts out of her mind. As long as they kept talking, they would surely find a way to be in each other's lives again. They simply had to.

* * *

Harvey looked out over the Pacific from his spot on the overlook along the Pacific Coast Highway between Santa Monica and Malibu. The sun was shining brightly, the temperature was wonderfully moderate and there were no people around. He liked the serenity of the place. Here, he could really clear his head from all the confusion currently swimming around in there, replaying the conversation from the night before over and over again.

Deep wounds. Something about not wanting to get burned again_. I need time._

_Loving you comes so naturally to me._

If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was in the same position he was in, only a lot more cautiously. He walked a razors edge, feeling it was up to him to persuade her to take the plunge with him, while simultaneously knowing he wouldn't be able to stand her rejection if he failed to convince her.

He took out his phone and snapped a picture of the gorgeous sight in front of him. The more time he spent near the ocean, the more he loved it, hopeful in a sense he might still be here in spring when the water would warm up further and he, or they, would get to spend long days and nights on the beach. He tried not to linger on the impossible. He didn't even know where he was going to be in a week, let alone in months. Why waste time on a fantasy?

Dialing his brother's number, it went straight to voicemail, so Harvey tried the restaurant and heard Marcus' voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey, big brother! How's it going? Did you get all settled in?"

"Yeah, I did."

Harvey's voice lacked the energy Marcus was expecting. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know, Marcus. Some things happened and I am wondering if I made a mistake coming here."

"What things?"

Telling Marcus about Jeremy and the ensuing fight left Harvey with an unsettled feeling in his gut.

"I mean, she's changed, Marcus."

"I don't think so, Harvey."

Surprised at the swift delivery of Marcus' conclusive comment, Harvey countered, "You don't? You saw her for five minutes."

"I did and she was still the same Donna to me. But you have to remember she went through a lot. You both did. It merely impacted the choices she made, not who she _is_. Can you honestly say your choices haven't been affected over the past two years? But you're still the same man, aren't you?"

Harvey let the words sink in. Thinking back on all the lonely nights he'd spent at bars, meeting random women while kicking back the Macallan 18's, he always thought he was a changed man after Donna left. But wasn't it the circumstances that led him to make those choices? Donna had always brought out the best in him, urging him to be a better man. Maybe that was true for her, too. Maybe she was a better woman when she was with him. The notion filled his heart with a sliver of hope.

"I hope you're right. Because if this thing doesn't work out…" He wasn't sure what he'd do, but it probably wasn't anything good.

"It will. You just have to give it time. And have faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to. That's what mom would say."

Hearing his brother mention their mom made Harvey miss them both.

"I love you, Marcus."

"I love you, too, Harvey. And if you don't have any plans for Christmas, you know you're always welcome here."

"Thanks, Marcus."

Ending the call, Harvey felt the tension in his shoulders ease slightly. He reminded himself that at least Donna still wanted to see him tonight and now he was starting to look forward to it himself. _Just give it time. _It would be his new motto from now on.

* * *

At exactly 10:15PM, Harvey was leaning against the front of his car with his legs crossed and his sleeves rolled up, when he spotted Donna emerging from the theater. Her hair was still up but she'd taken her make-up off, wearing the same black blouse she had worn the last time they'd had dinner. It had become an instant favorite of his. Combined with the white pants she wore, she looked truly exquisite.

Donna quickly gave Harvey a once-over, noticing the stark contrast between his dark jeans and the white button down. She had always admired his looks, but this new muscular Harvey was definitely her favorite, especially when he wore shirts that were about to succumb to his size.

"I wasn't sure if you would show up." She eyed him carefully, measuring his mood and relaxing instantly when he smiled back at her.

"Why? I said I'd be here." Harvey walked to the passenger's side and held the door open for her, unsure of what to make of her comment.

Donna walked past him and caught a whiff of his cologne; the same one she'd smelled in her bed for the past two nights. "Well, because last night… I mean, you weren't in the best of moods when you left."

Donna got in and for the first time it struck her that this had all the signs of a date. Now she wished she had at least put on some mascara. But this was Harvey after all. He'd seen her without make-up more times than she could count, often commenting on how much he loved her natural beauty. And it wasn't her intention to seduce him. Not yet anyway.

"No, I wasn't. But I'd had a shitty afternoon then. Today was much better," he grinned. Getting in himself, he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

"Yeah, what did you do?" Donna lowered the sun visor, revealing the small mirror and started pulling out all the bobby pins one by one, determined to have them all gone by the time they made it to Griffith Park.

"Not much. Went boxing and then just drove around. I talked to Marcus."

"Oh! How is he doing? Did they like California?"

"I think they did, just not the reason for coming here." Harvey took a deep breath, uncertain how to breach the next subject. "He invited me to spend Christmas with them."

Looking over at her, he waited for her response, but none came.

"So, I might be going back there next week." He knew it hadn't been a pity invite, but it still felt that way. He'd only be going to Boston because he had no place else to go.

Still no reaction.

He focused on the road ahead. If she didn't want him here, he wasn't going to twist her arm, feeling himself surrender to a situation he had no control over, hating that feeling more than anything else in this world.

Donna tried to get one of the pins out that seemed to have gotten caught, paying extra attention to it and trying not to focus on what Harvey was saying as Rachels words were going through her mind. _You're welcome to bring him over for Christmas if you want._

If only her heart and her head wanted the same thing, that would make this a whole lot easier.

"I'm going to Seattle next week," Donna finally declared, keeping her eyes on the tiny mirror in front of her, making sure she got every last one of those suckers out.

Now it was Harvey's turn to remain silent, feeling like he'd been hit with a sledgehammer. She got to celebrate with _their_ friends. And he'd be alone. Again. He had been careful not to look too much into the future, knowing how much he dreaded the upcoming holidays, but hearing just how alone he would be, made it all the more painful. Especially this year.

"That's nice," he uttered insincerely.

Donna noticed the quiver in his voice, knowing exactly how much he would enjoy going with her, not to mention seeing his old friends again, reminding herself they were as much a part of his past as they were hers.

She took out the last of the pins and combed her fingers through her hair, fanning out the strands of auburn until they fell into an acceptable place. Inhaling deeply to steady herself, she looked over at him and smiled softly. "Hey."

Harvey met her eyes with hesitation, that sledgehammer still punching away at his heart. "What?"

"Why don't you come with me?"

He did a double take behind the wheel. With one question she had erased any apprehension he'd felt towards her and their current situation. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"Donna."

"I'm serious, Harvey. Rachel proposed the idea. She said you and Mike haven't seen each other in a year. And I think you'd enjoy it."

"So, you're doing this for me?" He was only half-teasing her, measuring her cautiously, still not fully believing she meant it.

"Yes. I get absolutely _nothing_ out of it," Donna equivocated, unable to hide her smile.

"Good. I wouldn't want to indulge you," he smiled back.

"But seriously, Harvey. I remember the first Christmas after my dad passed away. It was the worst Christmas of my life. I think it's important to be with the people you care about. And who care about you." She was definitely in both those groups and so were Mike and Rachel, but then again, so was Marcus. "And I understand if you want to go to Boston. I just wanted you to know you're welcome here, too."

"Thanks, Donna." He wanted to hug her, but seeing as he was driving, he made a mental note to do that later. "I'd love to go."

"Great, then it's settled. It's up to you if you want to tell Mike or if you want to surprise him. Rachel wasn't going to say anything to him."

"I'll have to think about that." He still had to process the fact Donna wanted to celebrate Christmas with him. In Seattle. Of all the things he had imagined he'd be doing this Christmas, that one hadn't even crossed his mind. If his heart could smile, it would. Instead he spent the rest of the drive over with a big grin plastered all over his face, the sledgehammer being replaced with nothing but warmth, lifting the weight on his heart.

With twenty minutes to spare, Harvey and Donna walked into the main entrance of the observatory, where Donna gave Harvey a small tour before they quickly made their way to the East Terrace to still catch a glimpse of the night's sky from the highest possible elevation. Having missed the chance to look through one of the telescopes, they walked to the edge and were met with a beautiful view of Los Angeles below.

Donna began pointing out the planets that were visible that night. Mercury to the East, Mars to the North. Even Jupiter was visible tonight, shining brightly in the Western sky.

"Since when are you such an astrologer?" Harvey mused, quite taken by her extensive knowledge of the solar system.

"Ever since I got here, I spent quite a bit of time looking up, because you can see so many more stars here than in Manhattan, especially when you go east a bit towards the desert. I spent many a night out on the deck, thinking, wondering. Even as a little girl I was always mesmerized by the Milky Way and in Connecticut there were places where it was completely dark at night and I would always walk with my face towards the sky." Donna closed her eyes at the memories, mimicking her younger self with her nose pointed upwards, breathing in the fresh night's air that brought a smile to her lips.

For the first time in a long time she felt like things were finally falling into place. Jeremy was almost out of her life completely. Her play was going well. She'd be going back to Seattle next week. And Harvey was joining her. She felt the smallest hint of happiness surge through her body.

Harvey took her in, the light reflected by the moon casting a dazzling glow over her delicate features. In his book, she had always been the definition of grace and tonight was no different. Even without make-up and her hair a little messy, she radiated beauty.

Slowly opening her eyes, she met his and felt a little embarrassed for having been caught up in the moment, which just made her more adorable in Harvey's eyes.

"I didn't think I'd still be learning new things about you," he confessed, letting his eyes drift over her face for any other details he may have missed before.

"Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do," she flirted, turning her gaze to the stars above.

He knew that was a lie. Nobody knew her as well as he did.

Standing side by side, overlooking the City of Angels below them and the western stars above them, they lost themselves in the moment, marveling at how things had changed in only two weeks' time and how easily they had fallen back into step with one another.

A gentle breeze blew a strand of hair in her face and Harvey reluctantly watched how she pulled it back, wishing it had been him who'd removed it for her. The desire to touch her was overwhelming, creating a sensation in his body that felt like a growing fire in his veins. Their proximity in the darkness was burning him up, fueling the yearning in his bones. With their arms resting between them, he softly traced a finger over the back of her hand.

It sent a spark of electricity up her arm. And his.

Feeling her tense up for the briefest of moments, she finally met his eyes. There was no denying his caress had been intentional. For a second he thought he'd made the wrong call, unable to read her, but then a hint of a smile tugged at the edges of her mouth.

Returning her gaze to the city below, Donna effortlessly laced her fingers through his, feeling her heart pound in her chest, its echo rumbling in her brain making her lightheaded.

The small fire in his body became an instant inferno. His heartrate increased, pumping blood faster to all extremities, his breath hitching in his throat.

They stood there for the longest time, feeling each other, reconnecting in a way they hadn't done so far as the air grew thicker around them.

Harvey finally broke the silence, the need to relief some of the tension overpowering. "You know, right before she passed, my mom said I should look up at the stars more often, because that's where she was going."

Donna looked up at him, noticing how his smile slowly faded whenever he mentioned Lily, still obviously reeling from the loss. Her heart ached for him, wanting nothing more than to heal his pain. So, instinctively, she gently rubbed her thumb back and forth over his and felt him lean into her just a little.

"You know, it gets easier," she heartened.

"I do." And he did, however in the ensuing quiet, Harvey was crushed with guilt for how he had behaved when Donna's dad had passed away. He should have been there for her. If there was anything he could change, his actions then were definitely it. "Donna, I am–"

She cut him off, reading the regret in the way his shoulders slumped slightly forward and his eyes glossed over, knowing exactly what the next words out of his mouth were going to be. "Harvey, you don't need to apologize. It was a long time ago." That last statement was accompanied by a gentle tug of his hand.

She still had it, the uncanny ability to read him from a mile away, easing his mind like only she could.

"Are you saying you have forgiven me?" He turned his body towards her, the intimacy of their conversation propelling him forward.

"I have." At least for that part she had. She turned towards him, their fingers now playing with each other, taunting, caressing, finding each other over and over again.

"We sure have been through a lot together, haven't we?" His voice lowered as he stared into her hazel eyes.

"We have," she acknowledged softly as the tension between them grew exponentially.

"Excuse me folks, but we're closing in five minutes," a man in a security uniform announced, looking between them with a small grin on his face, like he had caught them just in time.

Harvey had to keep himself from cursing out loud. Perfect _goddamned_ timing.

Donna slowly let go of his hand and took a step backwards, requiring a deep breath to steady her shaking body.

Harvey immediately missed the contact. "Thanks," he hissed ambiguously to the man.

They both watched his back as he went around, giving the last of the people up there the same notice.

"We should go," Harvey proposed gently, holding out his arm for her to step into, only to see her walk out in front of him with a nervousness in her step.

Making their way down to the main entrance, they stopped at the Hollywood Sign Terrace to once again take in the view, this time from the other side, neither one ready to call it a night just yet.

Donna felt her phone buzz and quickly checked the screen, needing the distraction while simultaneously wondering who on earth would text her this late.

_Can I come by Friday to pick up my things?_

She heaved a sigh, alerting Harvey who had been standing beside her, staring at the white, lit up letters on the hill in the distance. His questioning eyes made her want to tell him, but it was such a sore subject. And she didn't want to upset him. Not tonight.

"Everything okay?" he inquired suspiciously.

Surrendering to the truth, she admitted, "Jeremy just texted me. He wants to pick up his stuff on Friday." She held up her phone, displaying the origin of her dismay.

"Do you want me to be there when he does?" He didn't know why that was the first thing out of his mouth, not wanting to be overbearing, yet unable to stop himself. He _really_ hated that asshole.

Donna was taken aback by his reaction, comfort being the last thing she'd expected.

"Actually, I hadn't thought about it." Surely, she could handle it, however Harvey's offer was hard to resist, reminding her that she didn't _have_ to do everything by herself, no matter how accustomed she had gotten to it. And accepting someone's help, especially his, was something she definitely welcomed. "You know, I think I would like that."

She put her phone back in her pocket and leaned over the stone barrier, facing away from the man next to her, suddenly feeling panic rise from deep within.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked softly, noticing her absence and almost reaching out to touch her, like he used to. The satisfaction he had felt at her accepting his proposal diminished rapidly.

"Jesus, Harvey. What was I thinking?" She stepped away from him and brought a hand to her forehead.

"What do you mean?" He furrowed his brows, trying to keep up with her change in demeanor.

"Jeremy. I should have kicked his ass to the curb the first time, but I just couldn't let go." Her voice was growing louder. "I was so afraid of making the same mistake. So, I let him treat me the way he did. That's not like me!" Donna's desperation rose with each word as anger caused her to curl her fingers into fists. "I never should have–"

"Donna, stop." Harvey cut her off, taking a step towards her. "Don't do this to yourself. It's over between you, that's all that matters."

His voice was a beacon of calm in a raging storm, guiding her to calmer waters.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." He took another step closer, so she was within reach, seeing the conflict still boiling below her surface. She was her own worst enemy sometimes.

Donna shook her head, like she was finally waking from a terrible nightmare. She felt so ashamed. It forced her to dodge his stare.

Witnessing her coming undone in front of him, compelled him to soothe her, the words coming naturally to him. "Hey. You know how you said you have forgiven me? Maybe it's time to forgive yourself."

Donna's eyes grew wide at his compassionate words, his loving eyes impossible to deny. He could still make her feel like everything was going to be okay, sensing how her mind relaxed instantly. Moreover, he was right.

Harvey took her wrists gently, caressing them with his thumbs, hoping she would uncurl her clenched fists. The moment he felt her unwind, Harvey entwined his fingers with hers, never once breaking eye contact.

Electricity sparked between them as the implications of their current situation filled the air.

Donna's heart beat so fast, she was afraid it would bruise the inside of her chest, her body trapped between the past and the present. Fear made her want to run and hide, but hope made her want to stay. Was it love that made her want to wrap her arms around him and never let him go again? She lost herself in his kind eyes that told her he would always keep her safe.

He inched his face forward and waited halfway for her to meet him as their breaths mingled. Slowly lifting her head, she let go of his hands and rested her palms on his chiseled chest, pursing her lips that now almost touched his.

Parting his lips slightly and closing his eyes in anticipation, Harvey closed the final distance between them, pressing his lips softly to hers like they were the most breakable thing in the world.

Feeling her mouth on his rekindled a desire he didn't know he possessed, all memories of her last kiss obliterated by this one. Pulling her hips closer to him, he leaned in gently.

He never wanted to kiss another.

Donna felt a rush of emotions overtaking her as their lips met, the memory of his kiss never having left her. She closed her eyes involuntarily, relishing his touch and observing how excitement was pushing the fear she'd felt before to the edges of her soul where it remained.

Knowing they were merely testing the waters, Harvey pulled back, brushing his nose against hers, lingering there just long enough to feel her breath against his skin.

The brevity of their kiss had zero impact on the fact it had moved heaven and earth for both of them.

In the darkness, with the glow from the moon above and the lights from the city below barely illuminating them, they felt like the only two people on the planet, lost in each other's touch.

With her heart pounding, Donna looked up into his dark eyes, feeling perplexed.

"This is not what friends do," she stammered.

"Apparently, it is what we do," he countered, keeping his face close to hers.

"And what are _we_ exactly?" She stepped out of his hold, in need of some air, her wondering eyes hiding a thousand other questions.

"We are just two people who don't know how to live without each other," he said matter-of-factly.

The truth could be so simple sometimes. Why couldn't it also be easy?

He gauged her reaction. "Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're not." Because living without him had been hell on earth although living _with_ him had also not worked out that well.

Not oblivious to her turmoil, Harvey proclaimed, "Come on, I'll take you home. We have plenty of time to figure out exactly what we are. But not tonight."

This time when he extended his arm, Donna linked her fingers through his without hesitation, letting him lead her back to the car, already comfortable with his touch and needing more of it.

The ride home was spent mostly in silence. Donna's mind and heart bouncing back and forth between elation and anxiety, being slightly annoyed that Harvey didn't seem fazed at all.

When he pulled up behind her white BMW, he turned off the engine and shifted his body towards her.

Panic struck Donna, who definitely was not going to invite him in, the implications of such actions way beyond what she was ready for.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Harvey assured her with a soft smile, seeing her wrestle the awkwardness of this moment. She had asked for time and he would give it to her, enjoying a renewed confidence she wasn't going anywhere.

With four simple words he had taken away any insecurities she'd had.

"Goodnight, Harvey," she beamed.

"Goodnight, Donna," he grinned back, a hint of mischief around his eyes.

Donna walked up the front steps, giving him a small wave before entering her house and hearing him start the car back up and pulling out. Closing the door behind her, she let herself sink back against it, letting out a breath she had been holding.

_Holy shit!_

* * *

_A/N: I know many of you were looking forward to their first kiss and I hope I did it justice. Please leave a review to let me know your thoughts._


	12. Swell

_A/N: I can't thank you all enough for the overwhelming response to the last chapter. After 908 I certainly needed some fluff, but it's even harder to write about Lily now, having actually seen Harvey's pain. :( _

_To RafCL83, and anybody else who might find it hard to believe Harvey and Donna would ever break up because he wasn't paying attention to her, you should know, in my mind it was more than just that. I've actually written several flashbacks which I haven't been able to fit in just yet. So, please bear with me and all will be revealed. _

_Thanks to all of you for sticking with this story regardless!_

**_Warning:_** _M-rated content._

* * *

**12\. Swell**

Harvey pulled into the driveway of his rented house, parked the car and got inside. Turning on only a few necessary lamps and pouring himself a glass of his favorite amber liquid, he eased himself down on the couch.

Taking a big swig of his drink, he placed it on the table in front of him, sat back, unbuckled, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and released his rock-hard erection. Hissing at his own touch, he started stroking himself, pausing only to unbutton his shirt and letting the cool air hit his chest, his dark nipples reacting to the change in temperature immediately.

Watching Donna walk away from his car, the flow of her hair, the smile and wave looking over her shoulder combined with a lingering imprint on his mouth, had made it impossible for him to contain his desire, the memory of her kiss alone enough to make him throb until it hurt. Her kiss. The sweet taste of her lips. How he had missed it, longed for it, longed for her. He palmed himself more fiercely, tugging harder, faster, the sensation forcing his eyes shut, throwing his head back as he felt his abdomen tighten.

He let himself fantasize about her then. The way he used to tangle his hands in her hair when she'd taken him in her mouth. Her taste on his tongue. The way she'd rake her nails across his back. The movements of her breasts as she'd ridden him. The feel of her walls convulsing around him as she'd come, moaning his name in ecstasy.

He let out a long 'fuck', releasing all over his well-defined stomach before exhaling a sigh of contentment.

Tonight had been unexpectedly perfect. First the invite to Seattle, then their almost kiss and then the actual kiss, which she had not backed away from. He couldn't believe his own luck. After all this time, things were finally going well with nothing but good things to look forward to in the near future. It was a welcome change from the shit he had been through the past few months. Maybe even years.

In one gulp he finished his drink and went upstairs to take a shower. He'd be awake all night, but for once, he didn't mind at all.

Nevertheless, sleep had found him somewhere in the middle of the night and he awoke the next morning with a new-found eagerness to end the days where he'd wake up alone. Donna was in his thoughts from the second he returned to consciousness, leaving the dream-state in which she was also, always, the lead. He couldn't wait for the mornings where he would wrap himself around her, waking her gently, still half-dreaming himself, their naked bodies melting into one as the first rays of sunlight peeked through the curtains, announcing a new day they got to spend together.

His already hard cock got even harder at the thought.

Checking his phone, he knew she'd be up. And he didn't want to waste another minute.

"Hey," she answered after the first ring.

He loved hearing her voice first thing in the morning. "Good morning. How are you?" he asked tentatively, feeling slightly stupid.

"I'm fine. You?" Okay… This was awkward.

"Fine, too. Did you sleep well?"

Harvey heard her take a deep breath.

"Not really… You?"

"No, not really."

They both laughed in discomfort at their stiff exchange.

"So, what are your plans for today?" he inquired, hoping he'd get to see her at some point again.

"I'm meeting Mary a little early today." To talk about you. "And let me guess. You're hitting the gym."

"I am."

"So, listen…" Donna stammered, her next question at the tip of her tongue, feeling nervous about posing it.

"Donna, what happened yesterd–"

"We kissed, Harvey," she stated, needing to say it out loud, because at times she thought she had made it up, the memory both foggy yet crystal clear in her mind, like a dream you can't quite recall but can't shake either.

"I know." A silence filled the air. "Listen, I don't expect you to say or do anything. You said you needed time and I will give it to you. I don't want to rush you into anything you're not ready for."

Affirmation. It was exactly what she needed to hear. "Good. But Harvey… Are you sure _you_ are ready for it?" She knew the 'it' meant them getting back together, being a couple again, however, she didn't specify, for it would make it real and she would have to seriously think about it, too. And that was something she wasn't quite prepared for. Yet. But she still felt the need to check, feeling he would understand. "I mean, you did just lose your mom. Are you sure you're ready to do this? Because I can guarantee you, it's not going to be easy."

"I know, Donna, but I'd rather fight for you and deal with the consequences than lose you all over again."

She couldn't stop her heart from skipping a beat at his words.

"I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything. Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere, unless, of course, you want me to..." Apparently, she wasn't the only one needing affirmation this morning.

Not wanting to sound too eager, she waited just a second with her reply. "I don't. I like having you here, Harvey." In the silence that followed, she could almost see him smile over the phone. Now she was ready to ask the question she had wanted to ask earlier. "So, if I were to invite you over to watch a movie tonight, you would understand that it wouldn't be code for something else. It would just mean watching a movie together?" Her nerves made her skin tingle with anticipation. She felt like she was fourteen years old again, asking her crush to spend time with her. It was all she wanted, though. Just spending time with him, reacquainting herself with his presence, his touch.

Harvey chuckled. "Yes, Donna. I would. What time will you be home? 11?"

"Yes. I know it's a weird hour, but I'm usually up late now because of the play."

"Sounds perfect. I'll see you tonight."

"Bye, Harvey."

"Bye."

Harvey got up and made his way to the bathroom, his erection unwavering in its demand for attention. Time for round two.

Donna clutched the phone to her chest. This was all looking way too perfect. He was being way too perfect, making her forget all the painful memories, leaving her with just the good ones. And there were so many.

She sent a quick text to Rachel.

_I invited him for Christmas… And he said yes…_

Rachel immediately replied.

_OMG! I can't believe it! This is gonna be so much fun!_

'God, I hope so', Donna thought.

Christmas would be the perfect test to leave this bubble she and Harvey found themselves in. It reminded her of when she had taken a new job, away from him. Having worked together, side by side, every day, for over sixteen years had made the old firm a bubble in itself. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that she had had a hard time finding her footing away from it and most importantly, Harvey.

* * *

_On February 1, the decision to dismantle the firm of Specter Litt Williams was made and two months later the firm ceased to exist._

_Harvey had struggled to find his way. He and Alex had chosen to continue with just the two of them as Specter Williams, while Louis had felt it was time for a career change, accepting an offer for a judgeship. _

_Specter Williams was able to retain only three major clients from SLW, because everyone else had left, tired of all the turmoil the firm had seen in recent years. It had been hard on all involved and it had meant long hours for both Specter and Williams trying to build something from the ground up._

_At first, Donna thought she would keep working with them, her first instinct to follow Harvey wherever he would go, but there really wasn't a role for her at the new place, especially without a law degree. And being in a relationship with him made it all the more difficult, because she felt like she had to proof to every new client and employee that came in that her position had not been acquired just by fucking the boss. It had dragged her down and she was ready to move on._

_So, she had decided to take some time off and figure out what she wanted to do, knowing she would land on her feet. She always did. _

_Tapping into her pool of friends in the business, by June, Donna had found a job as a Human Resource Manager at a firm in the city. She didn't want the responsibilities anymore that came with a job at COO level, but she did love people. So, HRM seemed like the perfect fit and she still had the option to become Director of HR, if she so desired. _

_Harvey had hated the idea of her leaving, convinced he needed her by his side in order to be successful. She had been right by his side for sixteen years and he felt like he was losing his compass, his guiding light. Having talked him out of doing something he would regret later more times than he could count, Harvey worried what would happen now when she wasn't there to work her magic on him. It had kept him up at night, but he hadn't shared his worries with her, trying to be supportive if a new job was what she really desired._

_Not working together on a daily basis certainly was an adjustment. It was strange to hear him talk about things she knew nothing about. It was strange for him, too, not being able to talk to her when he needed to, having no clue what her day-to-day routine looked like, or who she worked with. _

_All of a sudden, they had to connect on a new level._

_Her first week at Burton & Howe had been perfectly fine. Donna had gotten into the rhythm of her new job and its responsibilities rather quickly, even though she felt like she would be going back to her old firm at any moment, the reality that this was permanent not really setting in yet._

_Friday night at 6PM, tired from her first week on the job, Donna was chatting heartily with a co-worker as they exited the building, to find Harvey waiting for her._

_Not knowing who the handsome, cheerful stranger was, Harvey felt a tinge of jealousy course through him. He trusted Donna with all he had. He just didn't trust any man when it came to her, knowing full well what effect she had on the opposite sex. He found comfort in the thought that soon enough, there would be no misunderstanding about her relationship status, even to strangers._

_"Hey," she beamed, surprised by his presence. "What are you doing here? Steve, this is Harvey. Harvey. Steve. Steve's been showing me the ropes all week."_

_The men exchanged a handshake and Harvey thought he noticed just a glimmer of disappointment on the other man's face. _

_"See you on Monday," Steve offered, immediately feeling like the third wheel. _

_Donna echoed his words, before asking again why Harvey was there._

_"I'm here to pick you up." _

_She looked at him suspiciously. "I can see that. But why?"_

_"Because we need to get going."_

_"Where?" _

_"You'll see." He opened the car door for her. "Get in." _

_Donna stopped before him, placing a kiss on his lips, which she didn't break for several seconds, conveying how happy she was to see him. "Hi." _

_"Hi," he smiled against her mouth as his hand brushed over the velvet box burning a hole in his pocket._

* * *

Harvey plopped his gym bag on the ground next to him, joining Adrian, Tony and Tyler outside the entrance of Big John's Gym.

It was just past noon and the sun stood high in the sky. For a moment, Harvey had to remind himself Christmas was next week, even though every fiber of his being rejected that idea. Christmas was associated with cold, gray skies and too many tourists in town. Not sunshine, warmth and surfing Santa Clauses, like the one he had spotted yesterday.

Having trained longer than usual, he was overflowing with energy and still had some to spare, making his present disposition hard to ignore for the people currently standing next to him.

"You finally done? I saw you come in here hours ago," Adrian remarked.

"Yeah, well, I just felt really good this morning. Plus, I still have nothing on this guy, so I need all the training I can get," he joked, punching Tony's arm lightly.

"Oh, I think that ship has sailed," Tony challenged.

"I'll beat your ass, someday. You just wait." Harvey trailed off, looking over Tony's shoulder because he thought he recognized the person currently pacing the broad sidewalk some fifteen feet away, the dark hair, shorts and flip flops sounding alarm bells in his brain. When the man kept looking across the street to the theater, Harvey made a beeline for him, leaving three bewildered men behind.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He pushed at his shoulder, startling a confused Jeremy. "You stalking her?"

Jeremy turned around with a puzzled look on his face. "What the hell?"

The moment he saw Harvey's face, he shrunk back a little. He may have been drunk before, but the aggression this guy had expressed a few nights ago at Donna's house was still perfectly clear in his memory. And the aggression coming off of him right now made that night seem like a picnic. Still, he wasn't going to let some hot-tempered douchebag scare him off.

"No way. I was just on my way t–"

"To where? Sleepy Joe's? See if she's there? She doesn't want to see you anymore, Jeremy." Harvey spit out his name, finding it harder to contain himself with each passing second.

"Why? Because she's fucking your sorry ass now? Just so you know, she may tell you she loves you, but in fact, she'll just use you like she used me," he uttered bitterly.

"What did you just say to me?" Harvey took a step closer, his face now inches away from the piece of shit in front of him, praying silently he would just walk away, because his vision was starting to blur from the fury building inside of him.

Adrian and Tony stood back, watching the argument in front of them unfurl, ready to intervene as they deemed necessary while Tyler was ready for a fight, punching his own fist in anticipation.

Jeremy was fed up. Fuck this guy, whoever he was. "You heard me." Jeremy bit back. "I hope you enjoy my sloppy seconds. She wasn't very good in bed anyw–"

He never got to finish that sentence, because moving as fast as lightning, Harvey took a small step backwards and with a force he didn't even know he possessed landed a right hook in the middle of Jeremy's face, knocking him backwards onto the pavement.

Pure, unadulterated rage coursed through Harvey's veins, turning his vision red.

He knelt down beside the now bleeding male, pulled him up by his jacket and landed another blow where the first one had impacted. With no resistance to fight off, Harvey kept punching, unaware of his name being called and only faintly registering someone pulling at his shoulders, but he was back on his feet too soon and he had no idea how.

He recognized Adrian and Tony at his side. Somebody was mumbling something, but he couldn't make out the words. All he knew was that he wanted to kill the guy on the ground, but his arms wouldn't move. The pent-up anger towards Jeremy had been released all at once and there was still some residual hatred burning a hole in his sternum.

"Jesus Christ, New York. What the hell was that?" Adrian grunted, looking over his shoulder at the man trying to get up.

"That's the son of a bitch I told you about," Harvey barked.

Feeling dizzy, Jeremy spit some blood on the pavement, gently touching his face, which he immediately regretted. He could only blink with one eye and he winced licking his bleeding lip. He found Adrian's stare.

"You better get the fuck out of here," the bald man growled dauntingly.

Jeremy had no reason not to heed the warning, getting up unevenly and walking away.

"Yeah, and don't come back," Tyler tried and failed to add threateningly, the combination of his high-pitched voice and his height falling him short.

Adrian turned to Harvey, who was starting to feel the pain in his hand, flexing it open and shut.

"Goddammit!"

* * *

"What happened to your hand?" Donna closed the door behind him, trying to ignore the scent of his cologne sending a tiny jolt of happiness to her core as he walked past her. "Did you hurt yourself at the gym?"

"Something like that. Here, I brought you this." In his unbruised hand, he held out a bottle of Macallan 18, which she took from him, scanning the familiar label and realizing she hadn't had a glass of whisky in two years.

"Thanks. I'm guessing you want some of this?" she surmised, wondering over to the kitchen.

"Please." Harvey took of his jacket and hung it on the coat rack before taking a seat on her couch, letting his hand roam over the blanket draped over it. Every couch she'd ever owned, had had one. It was so her. Like the scented tealights that were burning on a decorative mirror on the coffee table. The flames combined with the low lighting from the few lamps scattered around provided just enough light to still illuminate everything, while at the same time supplying a calmness that relaxed him instantly.

He could get used to coming home to this.

"So? Tell me," she instructed from the kitchen as she got ready to pour them both a drink.

"I punched someone."

"Sparring?"

"Not exactly."

"Then who did you hit?"

"Who do you think?"

All movement in the kitchen stopped momentarily.

"Oh my God, don't tell me you got into a fight with him."

"I didn't. He never fought back." Harvey suppressed a small grin. Now was maybe not the best time to be cocky. But fuck if it didn't feel good knowing that asshole had gotten what he deserved.

"Harvey! What the hell happened?" Donna walked over with their drinks, handing him his and taking a seat herself a safe distance away from him.

"He was outside the gym, casing the theater, it seemed. I really think he might be stalking you, Donna. I think you should get a restraining order."

She let those words sink in, taken aback by the seriousness Harvey had expressed them with. Could it be she had misread her ex-boyfriend all along? Was he really capable of something like stalking? She had a hard time believing that, but maybe she hadn't seen it because she had just been in denial, like she had been about so many other things.

"But why did you hit him? He must have given you a reason."

"He definitely did." He took a swig of his Macallan. The sensation of his throat burning as the liquid descended animated him. "He just said some things, which I am not gonna repeat. I just lost it."

"Harvey, what did he say?"

"It doesn't matter. He just doesn't respect you."

"So, you were defending my honor?" She lifted an eyebrow in mock surprise.

"Always." He wasn't kidding.

"Jesus, Harvey. I'm not saying he didn't deserve it. I'm just… Did anyone see you?" She was suddenly worried what could happen if Jeremy wanted to press charges and there were witnesses.

"Well, yeah. We were right outside the gym. Actually, the guys there pulled me off of him. They probably saved his life." Thinking back on it now, he was a little shocked by how much rage he'd felt. He knew he was capable of murder, especially when it came to the redhead sitting next to him, but he hadn't actually come close before. It had taken Adrian and Tony several minutes to calm him down.

"Good God. But he's alive, right?"

Harvey could be such a hothead. She'd witnessed it many times before. And she knew how much he hated Jeremy, combined with his current strength and frustration over their status and maybe even the grief from losing his mom, Harvey was lucky he hadn't accidentally murdered him.

"He'll be fine." Unfortunately.

Donna realized she didn't care if Jeremy was okay. It seemed odd. She should feel something, but he felt like a stranger now. A stranger who was hopefully still bringing her favorite cardigan back tomorrow.

She exhaled loudly.

"Well, look at it this way. I dated a murderer before. Jeremy was actually an upgrade." 'Jesus, Paulsen. You sure know how to pick 'em,' she thought.

"And if I remember correctly, I kicked his ass as well."

"Yeah, you did." She shouldn't feel flattered, yet she was. Very much so.

"I'm still filing for a restraining order in the morning."

"Thanks, Harvey." It sounded a bit extreme, but if it eased his mind, she wouldn't object to it.

Harvey lifted his glass. "Now." It was time to move on to a better subject. Her. "I see you still don't drink when you're performing." He motioned to her glass filled with water.

"No, I don't." Whenever Donna was in a play, she never drank a drop of alcohol for the duration. It cleared her mind and helped her focus. It was a habit she had picked up long before she met Harvey and she had kept it all these years.

She looked up at him in amazement. "I can't believe you remember that." Hiding her smile at this point was futile. She was grinning from ear to ear.

"I remember everything, Donna." And he did, being the sentimental fool he was.

The intimacy his statement epitomized sent a shiver up her spine. All their history. The good and the bad. And here they were. Once again enjoying each other's company like no time had passed whatsoever. If she didn't know any better, tomorrow morning they would be walking into the office side by side and she'd be COO again and he'd be the best closer New York City had ever seen.

Her name being whispered brought her back to the room.

"You okay?" Harvey looked at her nervously. Her absence unsettled him a little, afraid she was rethinking this night. He could feel the tension in his body increase and he desperately wished they could just get past it already. All this uncertainty, the uneasiness, the emotional roller coaster, it was getting tiring.

Shaking her head as if to wake her brain, Donna replied, "Yeah, sorry. I just got lost there for a moment. We should pick a movie. What are you in the mood for?" The minute the words left her lips, she knew she'd set herself up.

Harvey looked at her, the nervousness comfortably leaving his mind. With mischief dancing in his eyes, he debated whether or not to answer with _'you',_ knowing he shouldn't push his luck just yet. Also seeing how she was expecting him to, he figured he'd score some points by being the gentleman.

"How about a classic?" Harvey suggested.

Thirty-five minutes into 'Casablanca', Donna returned from the bathroom to a sight she had a hard time believing was not a mirage. Harvey, _her_ Harvey, sat in her living room, feet on the coffee table, left arm draped over the arm rest, right arm resting on top of the couch, looking like he owned the place and looking hot as hell in the process.

Having seen this movie several times before, she knew exactly when the timeless quote came up, quoting with it, "of all the cafés in all the towns in all the world, he had to walk into mine." She walked past him, giving him a look of disbelief.

From the moment he had walked through her door she had wanted to touch him but had somehow resisted. But as he smiled up at her, she felt her conviction to keep her hands to herself evaporate like snowflakes in July.

"How long have you been waiting to say that?" he chuckled, his position unchanged, his inviting body screaming to be touched.

"That quote has been going through my mind ever since you walked into Sleepy Joe's. Don't tell me it didn't cross your mind, as well."

She was now standing next to him, unsure of what to do.

Harvey eyed her quizzically. "Are you going to sit?"

She bit her lip while debating his question and took the plunge, taking a seat beside him, close enough so she could lean back and rest against his wonderfully broad upper body. Propping her feet on the couch, she nestled herself against his side, the position providing the vital contact while forcing her gaze away from his. Because looking at him was doing all kinds of things to her mind, body _and _soul.

Loving the feel of his chest gently rising and falling, she noted how much harder his body now was compared to how she remembered it and for a second she pictured him without a shirt, wishing she could run her fingers over his abdomen, feeling every ridge while her caress caused him to shiver.

"Comfortable?" he whispered near her ear.

"Mmm. You?" 'Please say yes, because I don't ever want to move again', she thought.

"Yeah."

Donna could tell he was looking at her, the concept sending little sparks of electricity to all kinds of places. It wasn't long until a bandaged hand came down from its position on top of the sofa and started running up and down her arm. Soon enough, their hands found each other, and fingers entwined. Neither one moved from that point on.

Harvey had to keep himself from bringing his nose to her hair and inhaling. Her scent reminded him of all the good times they'd shared; at work, at home, holidays, vacations. She was in every single one of them. And now she was in his arms, on her own accord. He thanked the Gods above for this moment. Or maybe he should just thank his mom. He could almost picture her looking down from heaven and smiling at the sight of the two them.

A little while later, with the movie well underway, the lights around them faded out, the timer on them going through its daily schedule.

Harvey had felt Donna relax against him more and more the past several minutes and he was willing to bet she'd fallen asleep, her breathing even and long. He couldn't help but stare at her. They had always been so comfortable with each other, having hated their first few encounters here, simply because they had acted like strangers when in actuality, they were everything but.

He lifted one foot off the table and placed it on the floor, feeling a numbness start to set it.

The movement caused Donna to turn on her side and move even closer to him, nestling herself against his ribcage, grabbing his shirt, when with a handful of cotton, she uttered, "You're home." She was not fully awake, only subconsciously aware of the man whose heart currently beat with the rhythm of her sighs.

"I sure am," he smiled into her hair.

He ran the fingers of his bandaged hand up and down her shoulder, drawing lazy circles as he watched the movie until the credits rolled. Ten minutes later, the TV turned off by itself and Harvey considered his options. Fall asleep and both be in pain in the morning or wake her now and end this night. Finding it impossible to decide, he figured he could wait a little while longer, relishing her body so close to his while it lasted.

Not long after, the last candle died with a silent puff of white smoke, plunging the room into complete darkness, except for the dim light pouring in from the streetlamp outside.

"Donna." No reply. "Donna," a little louder this time, but still no reply, instead there was some movement and a grumble as her palm travelled up to his left pec and came to rest there. He took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Hey, I should go," he coaxed.

"Stay." she mumbled to his chest.

It took all he had not to give in, because she sure as hell wasn't making it very easy. And spending the night together wasn't exactly giving her time and he had promised her that.

The next thing Donna knew was her pillow moving, which was weird, because pillows weren't supposed to do that. Opening her eyes, she realized Harvey was trying to sit up.

Sitting up with him, she had to wipe her face, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. What was happening again?

Without a word, he grabbed his jacket and waited for her to join him at the door, because he was definitely leaving.

Taking a minute to compose herself, Donna got up to join him. "I can't believe I fell asleep," she mused, suppressing a yawn.

"I can. I'm just a very comfortable pillow. Always have been," he claimed proudly.

"You used to be even more comfortable. Now it's all hard muscle." She pointed at his shirt, touching it and him lightly.

"Yeah. Sorry."

Even in the dark, she could spot a self-conscious smile.

"Don't be. I think you look great," she confessed shyly. 'Fucking hot', was actually more like it, but her semi-conscious mind had half a brain to not be completely honest about her attraction to him.

"Yeah?" Mr. Cocky was back, taking a step towards her, placing his hands on her hips gingerly.

"I do."

"You look great, too." Right now, the left side of her face had a crease in it from where his shirt had been rumpled under her skin and her hair was all over the place. Still, he meant every word.

They stared at each other, both feeling the tension expand rapidly.

With his breathing already shallow, Harvey leaned down and was surprised she met him halfway, letting their lips find each other, the darkness as a blanket surrounding them. This time when he pulled back, Donna pulled him right back in, parting her lips slightly.

He accepted her invitation, pulling her as close to him as possible, tenderly sucking on her lower lip before reaching out with his tongue to find hers.

With her arms around his neck, Donna explored his mouth, reacquainting herself with his taste, his kiss.

Standing on her toes just a little, Donna melted her body to his. She loved how he supported her weight effortlessly with his big arms wrapped around her, delighting in the way he grabbed hold of his own wrist to pull her as near as their bodies would allow, leaving little room for her lungs to fill with air.

Silently cursing the need for oxygen himself, Harvey pulled back and stared into her wanting eyes. Maybe it was the need for sleep, but in this moment her eyes told him all she wouldn't say.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he whispered with every last piece of strength he had.

"Before 11AM?" she pleaded.

"I'll be here."

He gazed at her unmoving form. She wanted him to stay, he could tell as much by the way she was holding onto him. But no way was he taking advantage of the situation. Lowering his head, he gently pressed his lips to hers one more time.

"Good night, Donna."

"Good night, Harvey."

Donna closed the door with a heavy heart. She wasn't ready to dive back into a relationship with him, but she was definitely ready for something else. Because that kiss had reignited a flame that burned for only him.

.

The next morning, Harvey was back on her couch, listening to Donna on the phone with her director. The call had come mere minutes after he had walked in and ever since then he had just been staring into his coffee and playing with his phone. Scanning his messages, he had found a picture of Mike and Billy Mike had sent him a few days ago. He still hadn't decided whether or not to tell him about his upcoming visit. But he made a mental note to call him later today.

He quickly sent a text to Marcus. _Spending Christmas here. Will call later. -H_

To which Marcus replied immediately: _Happy for you, big brother. Hope things work out the way you want them to._

"What are you smiling about?" Donna inquired, walking in from the kitchen, phone in one hand, cup of coffee in the other.

"Nothing. Just told Marcus I'm spending Christmas here." He really was smiling. From ear to ear. Like an idiot.

The ringing of the doorbell startled them both, causing Harvey to lose his smile instantly, wishing this was over quickly and he could go back to focusing on his favorite redhead and their upcoming plans.

With a sigh, Donna put the items in her hand down and walked over to the front door as Harvey got up and leaned back against the couch, arms and legs crossed, ready for battle, if necessary.

Opening the door, she gasped audibly, bringing a hand to cover her mouth because she was in completely and utter shock at the man on the other side.

Jeremy's left eye was blue and swollen shut. His right eye was only black and blue. His nose didn't sit right. His left cheek was swollen as well, a big laceration visible in the middle of a red patch. He still seemed to have all his teeth, which under the circumstances was a small miracle, because his lip had clearly been cut.

Jeremy looked over her shoulder at the man responsible for his current state and looked back at Donna, seeing the horror on her face.

"Save it. Here's your stuff." He pointed at two boxes sitting on the front steps.

Still in shock, she reached down and handed him the box she had packed. "Here." Donna smiled faintly at him. This was it. Now it was over.

Before turning away Jeremy had one last thing to say. "Just so you know, I'm pressing charges."

Donna heard a low 'goddammit' behind her and moved herself between the door jamb and the door, physically shielding one ex from another.

"Please don't," she pleaded to his retreating back. She wanted to beg him not to do it; explain that he should be lucky _she_ wasn't the one filing suit. But there was no time. Closing the door quickly, she turned around to find a seething Harvey only inches away from her.

"That son of a bitch. I don't believe it. He's the one pressing charges? He should be fucking lucky to be alive after what he did to you!"

"Harvey. Calm down."

"I can't calm down, Donna." His arms were flailing as he stepped back, needing space to breathe. "He got what he deserved!"

"I know. Maybe I can talk to him."

His eyes shot up to hers. "The hell you will."

She frowned in response. "You can't tell me what to do!"

"Donna…."

"What the hell were you thinking anyway? Attacking him like that in broad daylight? You didn't think there'd be consequences?" In a fleeting second, she observed how guilt flickered across his face, but she was too mad to care. Panic tore at her insides, so she tried to ward it off by expressing more outrage. "How could you do this? You and your anger issues. You know, you are no better than him," she snapped, regretting the words as soon as she witnessed how his face fell.

"Don't you dare compare me to him! You know I could never hurt a woman." Deep down he knew she was just hurting, but that didn't make the words any less painful.

"I know." Of course, she knew. She heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But if he walks into a police station looking like that, they'll have you in handcuffs in no time." Donna felt her eyes starting to burn. What if he got arrested? What if he went to jail? Overcome by fear, she felt her body begin to tremble.

Donna was right, Harvey realized. He was in a lot of trouble if Jeremy followed up on his threat. Noticing how her shoulders slumped forward slightly, Harvey crossed the distance between them, wishing to hold her tight, but she punched his chest with both fists, her emotions getting the better of her.

Harvey wrapped himself around her as she chokingly spoke to his heart, "I can't lose you. Not again. Not like this."

How could he have been so stupid? He should have considered a possible fallout to his attack, however righteous it may have been. It just wasn't worth the pain on her face now. So, he held her close, engulfing her with his embrace, losing his fingers in her hair and feeling her heart beat in sync with his own; a little too fast and almost audible in the silence between them.

"I promise, you're not going to lose me."

Oh, how he hated making promises he wasn't sure he could keep.

* * *

_A/N: As always, your reviews and comments are appreciated, so let me know what you think!_

_I'll be moving to a new place next week, so the next update might take longer than usual. _


	13. Storm

_A/N: Finally! I'm sorry it took me so long, but it took a while to get back into writing mode again after the move, but once I knew where this chapter was going, I couldn't stop, hence the longest chapter so far. Many thanks for the continued support for this story. You all rock!_

* * *

**13\. Storm**

The one thing she could definitely not deal with anymore were his empty promises.

Feeling like a freight train of emotions was hitting her at full force, Donna untangled herself from Harvey's embrace, leaving him slightly stunned and a little nervous.

"I need to go." The coldness in her tone implied her need for air, or so she hoped, because the longer he held her, the more she was at risk of breaking down completely, the horror of him possibly going to jail rapidly becoming too much to bear.

Harvey tried to hold her to him, needing her unyielding figure to ease his racing mind while Donna gently pushing at him made it clear his arms were the last place she wanted to be right now.

Without another word, she started gathering her purse and the items belonging in it, feeling the overwhelming desire to put some distance between herself and the man currently tracking her every move.

He tried his best to read her, but once she put up her walls, he knew it could be extremely hard if not impossible to penetrate them, but he wasn't backing down now, no matter how much she tried to keep him away.

"Donna, talk to me." Harvey monitored her near frantic motions, fully aware she was fleeing, but he could very well be in deep shit and he needed her in his corner more than anything right now.

Having seen the results of his attack first-hand, Donna felt nauseous. Last night, when Harvey had told her about his justification for the fight, she had felt flattered. Now she was physically ill for ever having felt that way. There was nothing flattering about Harvey attacking someone like this. None. Sure, he'd gotten into a lot of fights over the years, but never anything this bad. And this was Jeremy, the man she'd spent almost a year with and had really cared about. He may have deserved some punishment for his actions, but this seemed extreme.

"What is there to say, Harvey? If he presses charges and you are found guilty, you'll go to jail and I just…" She trailed off as words failed her, cursing herself for not being able to get her things together more quickly, so she didn't have to have this conversation right now. Her house suddenly felt way too small for the both of them.

"It won't come to that. I'll fix it. You have to trust me."

"Trust you?" she scoffed, stopping to look at him, an incredulous expression plastered on her face. "How can I trust you when after weeks of having to deal with you being back in my life, I am finally at a place where I'm facing my feelings. Hell, I'd even started opening up to you again and you pull the rug out from under me?" She stared him down, a little startled by her own biting words.

He swallowed hard, becoming more desperate with each passing minute. This was no longer just about Jeremy. He had jeopardized the fragile relationship between them, because he hadn't been able to control his anger. And now he was forcing her to deal with the consequences of his actions as well.

Harvey knew he _had_ to fix this or run the risk of losing her forever.

"Donna, please. I'm sorry." He tried to touch her, but she eluded his grasp.

Blinking back tears, she stated, "I have to go to the theater." The call from the director asking the cast to come in early today couldn't have come at a better time.

Without another word, she left her house, leaving the front door open behind her, uncaring about whether or not Harvey stayed or went.

_I'm pressing charges. _Jeremy's words echoed in her mind; the consequences too big to comprehend. Walking to her car, Donna was so incredibly angry. Angry at Harvey for being so reckless, angry at Jeremy for wanting revenge, but mostly angry at herself for letting her guard down. Because letting her guard down meant setting herself up for potential heartbreak and the mere thought of losing him all over again sent a rush of panic to every nerve ending in her body, causing her chest to constrict and a lump to form in her throat as she climbed behind the wheel of her BMW.

Just a few nights ago, Harvey had told her she should forgive herself, but how could she when she kept making the same mistakes? And last night she had been ready to invite him up to her bedroom as her desire for him had taken hold. But for once she felt incredibly fortunate nothing other than that blistering kiss had transpired between them. She would have been in even deeper trouble, getting tangled in even more complicated emotions she would have had a hard time fighting her way out of. No, this was much better. Shut it all down and move on.

Putting the car into gear, she took off, not once looking back.

Harvey watched her take off as an all too familiar itching crawling just beneath his skin. He reminded himself to breathe, but his mind was going a million miles an hour. _He needed a lawyer. He should call Mike. He needed to talk to the guys at the gym. Maybe if they were willing to testify on his behalf, there wouldn't even be a trial. Maybe he should try and talk to Jeremy. Donna wanted to. _Donna_. He wasn't sure she would forgive him for this one. Just when they were starting to grow closer, he had dropped the ball. _

_He was such an asshole. _

He felt like a sinking ship that was on fire. With clammy palms and beads of sweat covering his forehead, he felt his body starting to shake. His breathing was becoming shallower as he steadied himself against the door frame before slowly finding his way to her couch. By that time, he felt like he was suffocating, his heart beating so hard it was bruising the inside of his chest.

_How could he do this to her? She had finally started trusting him and now she had to deal with him possibly going to jail. Maybe he should go back to New York altogether, pack his stuff, say his goodbyes and never look back. But he couldn't do that. He never wanted to go back there. He could never leave her, but he had fucked up royally and to know all of it was his goddamn fault was becoming too much, too fast_.

The panic attack hit him like a ton of bricks, rendering him immobile for the longest time.

* * *

"Mary, what are you doing here? I thought Jackson only wanted the cast to come in."

"I was called in as well. I figured it would also give me some time to catch up with you! I want to hear all about your movie night. Please tell me there are salacious details! I need something. Anything!" Mary waited for the redhead to colorfully describe the night's events, but Donna didn't say a word, instead, she busied herself with some wardrobe items, avoiding her gaze. Observing her friend, she noticed the puffy eyes and paler than usual complexion she had clearly missed before. "Donna, honey, what's wrong?"

Mary's soft voice cut through her wish to not talk about it and Donna surrendered without much hesitation, yet still feigning indifference by keeping her hands occupied sorting through some dresses. "Harvey got in a fight with Jeremy and now Jeremy is pressing charges."

"Oh gosh, that's horrible!" Mary exclaimed. Why any person would harm another was way beyond her grasp. Having been raised as a pacifist by her hippie parents, violence was something she had a hard time comprehending. "Is Jeremy okay?"

"His face… I don't know. I guess he'll be okay, but it looked bad. Very bad." Donna kept her focus on the clothing, trying to lose the image of Jeremy's beat up face, but failing miserably. Closing her eyes and hanging her head, she whispered, "I wish he had never shown up here."

The despair Donna tried to hide was easy to see through for her seasoned friend and Mary felt for her, never before having seen her this upset. "Come on, sweetie. You don't mean that."

"Yes. I do. Ever since he walked back into my life, it's been one mess after another. These past few weeks have just been one crazy rollercoaster. And you know, the worst part is that I was ready to explore my feelings for him again, thinking that maybe we could get back together. That maybe we could make it work this time. But the mere thought of losing him again is just… It's too much. I can't go through that again, Mary. I just can't…" Blinking away the tears, she couldn't prevent a few from making their way down her cheeks.

Without hesitation, Mary wrapped her smaller form around the tall redhead. "Oh, honey, I am so sorry," she said softly.

"How could he do this?" Donna cried into Mary's hair, hating how wretched she sounded, but she couldn't help herself, she had to let it all out.

The older woman waited with her reply until Donna pulled back, wiping at her face. "My guess is, he loves you. And love brings out the best and worst in people.

"Yeah, well. What good does that do me if I have to watch him go to prison?"

"It won't come that far. Can't you talk to Jeremy?"

"I considered doing that, but I'm afraid it will only make things worse."

"Well, it can't get worse than him going to the police."

"No, you're right. Maybe I should go see him. Thank you, Mary."

When the older woman left, Donna started thinking of what she should say, but the accusations she wanted to throw in Jeremy's face would definitely not go over well.

Being busy for the rest of the day, there was still some time. Once things calmed down somewhat, she would find the words. She always did.

.

Two hours later, Donna finally had a moment to grab her purse from the car, having been too distracted to remember bringing it with her when she came in. Seated at her dresser, she took out her phone and was a little startled by all the notifications greeting her. Three missed calls and eight text messages from Harvey alone, all saying pretty much the same thing: _Please call me. _But she was in no mood to speak to him. Not yet.

Scrolling through the rest, one notification stood out from the familiar names: a text message from Haley.

_Auntie Donna! Dad said you and Uncle Harvey are spending Xmas together! Does that mean you guys are getting back together? _

All the emojis at the end of her message illustrated brilliantly how excited Harvey's niece seemed to be about the news. Donna threw her phone on the table, eliciting a loud 'goddammit' for her co-stars next door to hear. _Christmas_. She had completely forgotten about the upcoming holiday. Only four days away, it was a mystery as to how she would spend it now.

She should tell Rachel, but being too mad right now, she figured it would be best to wait until things calmed down, sorely hoping they would.

* * *

Sending yet another text, Harvey didn't care how desolate she might perceive him as, because he was. Still reeling from his panic attack, he had made his way home and had taken another shower to calm his body, getting ready to hit the gym. He would not succumb to his anxiety, instead he would drain his body like he'd done before, the gym always providing the perfect distraction and physical exertion he seemed to need. However, Donna was still on his mind. He hated how they had left things that morning, hated that she had lost faith in his ability to fix it. Without faith, what else did he have?

Preventing his mind from slipping into yet another downwards spiral, he cursed under his breath and grabbed his car keys.

The gym was its usual busy self and Harvey looked around to see if Tony was around, needing to spar with someone who could kick his ass, so he wouldn't have to feel the agonizing guilt currently crawling all over his skin and settling deep into his bones. He and he alone was the reason he was in this mess and with no one else to blame, it made feeling better about the situation nearly impossible. As soon as he was done here, he would call Mike to strategize, but right now, his state of mind demanded only one thing: boxing.

"Hey, Harvey!" The high voice made him turn around to find Tyler standing behind him, the shorter man, albeit lean, still not menacing enough for what Harvey needed.

"Hey Tyler. You see Tony around? I was hoping to go a few rounds with him."

"No, he hasn't been in yet, but I'm happy to get in the ring with you," he said excitedly, starting to punch his own fist dramatically while jumping up and down.

Harvey had to contain a laugh. Maybe shorty here was exactly what he needed.

"Alright. Let's go."

Before long, Tyler was warding off punches from any possible angle, the man no match for the extra inches and pounds Harvey had on him. But Harvey had to give him credit for not backing down yet.

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size," a low voice rumbled.

Harvey looked up to find Tony putting on his gloves.

"Hey man, you want to take Tyler's place? I think he's ready for a break."

Tyler didn't object and instead quickly disappeared before either Harvey or Tony noticed he was gone.

Letting his frustrations out on his new opponent, Harvey for once had the upper hand, packing his punches left and right. His mind seemed to have gone blank and he was left with nothing but intuition, attacking and defending like it was the most natural thing to do.

"What'd you do, Harvey? Been training in your spare time?" Tony wondered, while another jab hit him in the face.

"No." _Left jab. _"I've just had the worst morning." _Left jab, right hook. _The minute Harvey allowed his thoughts to wonder off to what had taken place, he lost his edge and the dominance he had so skillfully possessed just a moment ago left with it.

Pulling his hands up to his face in defense, Tony asked, "Yeah? Wanna talk about it?" He threw a punch and pierced through Harvey's defense, so he continued building his attack with shorter punches until he knew he could go in for a straight hit.

A right hook hit Harvey square in the jaw, sending a ripple effect to his brain and it threw him off his game.

"Not really."

Harvey tried to counter but missed, instead having to block one of Tony's punches and losing his balance in the process, falling back into the ropes.

"Come on, New York, you were doing so well just now."

Harvey tried to regain control, shaking his head and taking a deep breath, but the moment he wanted to go for the attack, Tony was too fast, hitting him low and pushing him back into the ropes, forcing him to defend himself and making him feel less in control with each passing second.

Before, when he would get his ass handed to him by someone bigger and better, the physical pain numbed the emotional one. But this was one of those rare occasions where the physical pain didn't register all that much. All Harvey experienced were the fear, worry and guilt already present in his body and each punch he had to endure only made it worse, helplessness rendering him almost unresponsive to the onslaught from his opponent.

Another punch to the face and Harvey dropped his arms, causing Tony to look at him with concern.

Clenching his jaw in an effort to keep from crying, Harvey wished, and almost pleaded with a higher power, he had enough resilience in him to go on, but as the seconds passed, he knew he had to throw in the towel, not exactly willing to break down in the middle of the gym.

"Hey, are you okay?" Tony inquired carefully, seeing how this usually big guy seemed to be shrinking right in front of his eyes.

Quickly averting his watering eyes, Harvey uttered he was not and left the ring.

* * *

_Mike was surprised to see Harvey's name flash across his phone. He had tried, in vain, to talk to his friend ever since Donna had informed him and Rachel of the break, having called every day, sometimes several times a day. But more than a week had past and Harvey hadn't been in touch. By now, Mike was worried sick._

_"Harvey! I've been trying to call you. How have you been? Are you okay?" He couldn't get the words out fast enough._

_The line remained silent for a while._

_There was a reason why Harvey had avoided this conversation. He knew he wouldn't be able to talk at all, making the need for a call useless, but he wanted and needed to speak to his friend, so he would give it a try. _

_"She left, Mike," was all he was able to say, a statement of fact which should tell Mike exactly how he was doing. _

_"Harvey, are you okay? I'm worried. I wanted to come and see you, but your secretary said you were out of town and she wouldn't tell me where."_

_"I'm in Boston. I needed to get away."_

_Somewhat relieved he wasn't going through this alone, Mike still felt guilty. Donna had been staying with him and Rachel for the past week and he wasn't even sure Harvey knew. "How are you holding up?"_

_"Is she staying with you?"_

_ It almost came out like an accusation, but Mike knew it was the pain talking._

_"I've tried all her friends. She isn't in the city," Harvey added._

_"She is here, Harvey."_

_Defeat was all Harvey felt. All this time and his supposedly best friend hadn't even shared that with him._

_When the only reply was 'I have to go', Mike knew their friendship would be impacted by their breakup as well. It was the only moment where Mike regretted helping Donna and consequently choosing a side against his best friend. Only time would tell if they were capable of containing the damage and move forward._

_"Harvey, do you want me to come out there? Because I will be on the next flight out." Suddenly, Mike was even more worried._

_"No. I'll be fine," he lied. "I'll talk to you later." _

_This time when the panic attack hit, Harvey didn't even fight it. Instead he let the wave wash over him and drown him in utter misery. Because suddenly, life had lost all its appeal._

_The next time they had spoken, all Mike had been able to tell his friend was that Donna had left Seattle, which wasn't a lie. In their subsequent conversations, Harvey had asked about her whereabouts, and Mike had lied willingly, saying for all he knew, she was back in New York City._

_After a while, he had just stopped asking._

* * *

"Macallan 18."

"Sorry, man. I don't have any Macallan. Would you like some Lagavulin? Glenfiddich?"

Figured. They didn't even have his favorite liquor. Could this day get any worse? After the debacle that was the gym, Harvey had gotten in his car and driven till he had run out of gas, stopping at his favorite lookout, only to watch the clouds gathering, signaling bad weather ahead.

If there was ever a day where he needed some sunshine, today would have been it.

He had called Mike but had gotten his voicemail. Not wanting to worry him just yet, he hadn't left a message. As the hours passed, he had continued to put more miles between him and the origin of his current state of mind. And now he found himself in a bar off the PCH having to make a choice between two options he didn't really want nor had asked for. How ironic.

"Fine. Give me a Lagavulin."

Rubbing his temples to ease the pounding in his brain, Harvey wished this day would end already. Feeling like he was being watched, he looked over towards the end of the bar to find two eyes staring back at him. Red painted lips were revealed when the glass covering them was removed, a tongue teasingly tracing first the top, then the bottom one, never once breaking eye contact.

Momentarily enthralled by the beauty seemingly staring at him, he didn't move, silently laughing at how pathetic he felt remembering the days where he would have jumped at the chance to introduce himself as the best closer New York City had ever seen.

The bartender placed the drink in front of him, in a whisper adding, "I'd watch out for that one."

Harvey raised his glass gently, before swallowing half of his drink, conveying to Mr. Barkeep that tonight he really didn't care. The blonde must have gotten the message as well, because she carefully gathered her purse and drink and with a sway to her hip made her way over to him, elegantly sliding onto the stool next to his.

"How you doin', handsome?" Her southern drawl sounded convincing, but Harvey knew full well that in this town looks could be deceiving.

"Just fine," he said into his glass, emptying it on a second gulp and motioning for the bartender to fill him up.

"What's wrong? You look distracted."

"I'm just not in the mood." He kept staring straight ahead at a mirrored wall of bottles and glasses, unwilling to engage.

Red painted nails started climbing up his leg, inching their way toward his zipper. He cursed himself for the reaction his body had to the touch. He was in no way interested in the woman, but his body ached for some kind of release from the tension that had built up ever since this morning's panic attack and the deep-rooted fear he was about to lose Donna forever.

"Maybe I can help."

Big, green eyes stared at him seductively and Harvey almost caved, the need to feel anything other than the despair currently coursing through his veins enough to make his resolve waver.

"I doubt it."

"Why don't you buy me a drink and find out." She gave his leg a promising squeeze and kept her hand right there.

Being the good bartender he was, the man had been following the conversation and obliged when Harvey motioned for him to pour the woman her beverage of choice, causing Red Lips to smile broadly.

For a fleeting second, Harvey debated taking this willing subject to some motel down the road and have rough, meaningless sex all night long, like he had done so many times in the past two years. Taking a swig of his refilled drink, he hated himself for even considering it. He never wanted to be with any other woman ever again. But if Donna kept shutting him out, he might not have a choice. And he hated that even more.

"What's your name? Or should I just call you 'handsome'?" Red Lips said seductively.

She didn't receive a reply, but that didn't faze her.

"Alright, handsome. I'm Donna."

Harvey's breathing stopped for a second, snorting at her words and once more staring at the wall of alcohol he was facing. "No, you're not." Pulling out his wallet, he dropped two twenty-dollar bills on the counter and left, leaving "Donna" staring at him in disbelief, stunned and a little disappointed.

The cool night air hit his hazy brain but did nothing to ease his discomfort. Thunder rolled in the distance and he wished it would rain. It would match how he felt. It was almost 11PM and Donna, _his Donna_, would be done at the theater about now, so he pulled out his phone once more and checked his messages, even opening up the app in case the notifications weren't working, but he was only informed she was still ignoring him.

Cursing silently, he put the device back in his pocket when he felt a hand on his back and caught a flash of blonde from the corner of his eye. Red Lips, or _Donna_, as she called herself was standing next to him. She brought her lips to his ear and whispered, "Why did you leave? We were only getting started," while her hand travelled down his back and slipped into the back pocket of his jeans.

Harvey turned to face her and scanned her features, unable to deny their beauty. He had to give her credit for persistence. If he hadn't been such a fucking mess right now, he might have gone for it. Nevertheless, the last thing he wanted right now was anonymous sex. If the gym hadn't done what it was supposed to, sex would definitely not do it either.

"I've got to go." This time, he got in his car and drove off.

* * *

The day had all but crawled by, the hours seeming to have lasted twice as long. Donna was exhausted. The performance had gone well, had it not been for that one moment where she had forgotten her line. The turmoil in her personal life was starting to affect the one thing she still enjoyed thoroughly. And it needed to end.

Rain was coming down harder now and the downpour currently surrounding her car did not look to ease up any time soon. It was close to midnight and Donna had been driving around for at least an hour, rehearsing her words, imagining several ways the next conversation she was about to have could go. There were too many scenarios possible and she had finally given up, figuring she would play it by ear.

Inhaling deeply, she got out and made her way to the front door and rang the bell.

Donna waited while the rain slowly started to soak through her cardigan. She didn't care. All she cared about was getting heard, hoping that the truth would somehow free her from the situation she found herself in.

With his car parked outside and the lights on, Jeremy had to be home. So, she rang the doorbell again. This time, a faraway 'I'm coming' was yelled inside the house and she stepped back, trying to calm her racing heart anticipating the confrontation.

When he finally opened the door, she could see through the injuries he was not exactly pleasantly surprised. Although the swelling had gone down some, the discoloration had only intensified. Even the dark of night did nothing to conceal the damage, allowing the nausea she had felt that morning to return on a dime.

"What do you want?"

There was a chill to his tone that matched the cold raindrops tirelessly hitting her form and slowly seeping into the fabric on her back, causing goosebumps on her skin and a slight shiver to make its way down her frame.

"I owe you an explanation."

Jeremy crossed his arms, unable to hide his curiosity as to why she would come over at this time of night, in the pouring rain, willing to explain. Under no obligation to invite her in, he figured he might as well play along. "Are you going to explain why your new boyfriend assaulted me out of the blue? What? Did you put him up to it?"

Annoyance perforated his words and Donna was unsure if any comment from her would change the situation at all, but she would at least try. She had to.

Wrapping her arms around her, trying to contain any body heat still remaining, she took a deep breath. "He isn't my boyfriend. And, of course I didn't put him up to it." She felt a little hurt at the insinuation, but she wouldn't let the accusation bother her. "I never told you why I left New York."

"You told me you broke up with someone and wanted to start over."

"Well, it wasn't just someone. It was Harvey and we were engaged when I left. I used to work for him as his secretary and then later I became COO of the same firm."

"You were COO?" Jeremy looked at her with surprise, wondering why anyone would hide such an impressive title. But however impressive the revelation, it also stirred more questions as to why she'd kept it a secret and what else she had hidden from him.

"Yes, I was."

"I thought you were just a legal secretary."

"I was, at first. Harvey and I worked together for fifteen years before we started dating, even though we were close from the beginning. And he's always been very protective of me." _And I of him_, she realized. Even after everything, here she was once again, trying to keep him out of prison.

"You have to understand, when you came over drunk and he saw you had hurt me… something in him snapped." Donna felt an uneasiness settle in her bones. Suddenly, the reality of what might happen if this didn't work, unnerved her. That and retelling her history with Harvey took more effort than she could have imagined. "He and I have a complicated relationship. However, I wanted you to know he isn't just any guy. But you have to believe me when I tell you that I _hate_ what he did to you." Her voice broke slightly and for once she was glad to be out in the rain, because this way Jeremy wouldn't notice the tears that would inevitably fall.

"How come I've never heard his name if he was that important to you?"

"Because when I came out here, I wanted to focus on being here and not on what I'd left behind. I never told him where I'd gone. Mike is his best friend and even he didn't tell him where I was, because I asked him not to."

Donna took a breath, preparing for her next argument.

"You once told me that Linda was your one true love, the soulmate anyone wishes to find in their lifetime." She knew that bringing up his deceased fiancée was a low blow, even for her, but she was desperate and knew the next words out of her mouth were the painful truth. "For better or worse, Harvey is mine."

Jeremy was surprised to find himself softening up to her words even after hearing Linda's name. Seeing her here, opening up in a way she hadn't before, touched him on some level, because he knew how much it had taken for her to swallow her pride. Still, the hurt lingered.

"Why should I care, Donna?"

"Because you owe me," she stated with conviction. "There is a reason you haven't gone to the police yet. Because I think that deep down you know you aren't the only one at fault here. And if you ever cared about me, I ask you to please reconsider pressing charges."

He let the words sink in, shifting his weight. "Does he know you're here?"

"No, he doesn't."

"So, you're just trying to protect him?"

"I'm not. I'm trying to protect me." She could feel her lip quivering from the emotions she was failing to fight, certain she couldn't contain them much longer. "I know we didn't end it well and I really wish things were different, but Harvey was thrust back into my life and I just can't lose him again." She knew those were probably the last words any ex-boyfriend wanted to hear, but they were all she had.

It was out of her hands now.

If he could have, he would have wiped his face with his palms. No matter how hurt he was, he did still care about the gorgeous, currently soaking wet redhead that stood on his doorstep. Stepping aside, he asked, "Do you want to come in? Dry off?"

Donna glanced passed him and noticed some moving boxes stacked in the hallway.

"No, that's okay. Are you moving?"

"Yeah, I am. To Maui. Traveling back and forth is getting to be a bit much and I'm working to expand the business to some of the other islands."

"That's great. I'm glad." Realizing how her comments could be received, she quickly added, "About the business. That's really wonderful. I know how hard you've worked for it." Although, she was definitely glad he was leaving, too, now was definitely not the time to express that relief.

"Thanks."

They gazed at each other for a moment.

Donna searched for any kind of confirmation in his one good eye that her visit had not been in vain. When his cut lip curled up just slightly, she felt the tiniest glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, the man in front of her would not let her down this time.

Jeremy took in the pained expression on his former lover's face, certain she had told him the truth and although it hurt to hear, he understood all too well where it had come from. But his beef was no longer with her, it was with the man she called her soulmate and he wasn't sure he could reconcile the two.

"Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I hope you can find it in your heart to do the right thing. For me. I wish you well, Jeremy. Goodnight." She tried to smile before turning around and walking away, her footsteps even heavier than when she'd arrived.

As soon as Donna sat behind the wheel, she let her emotions flow freely. This conversation had taken a piece of her, the weight of it crushing her, like she was being held under water, unable to breathe. The future was still as uncertain as ten minutes ago and just as unbearable.

The rain clashing against her windshield muted the sobs, forcing them into oblivion.

.

Restless from the hellish day she'd had, Donna didn't sleep a wink, tossing and turning, trying to calm her nerves, her breathing and her thoughts. Around 4AM, she went downstairs for some water, hoping actually moving would make her body realize how tired it was.

Crawling back into bed, she checked her phone against her better judgment, to find a new message from Jeremy. Opening it immediately, she read:

_I won't press charges. If it's true that you and Harvey are like Linda and me, I hope it works out._

Donna's eyes filled with tears. The relief that Harvey was safe coupled with Jeremy's sweet words touched her on a whole new level. She sent him a thank you, even though he would never know how much this really meant.

.

The next morning, Donna woke to yet another text from Harvey. Sighing heavily, she opened her phone reluctantly, hoping it wasn't yet another plea for her to call him. She needed some space and the silent treatment should have given him the message.

_I need your signature when I'm filing for a restraining order. _

He had switched to business mode, hoping that would get her attention, since she had yet to reply to any of his previous messages.

This time, her replied was instantaneous.

_I'm not signing anything, because he isn't pressing charges._

Her phone rang right away, but she declined the call and instead received another message immediately after.

_Donna, please talk to me. Is this true?_

Harvey couldn't believe what he was reading. Was he really off the hook?

_He told me so himself and I have no reason not to believe him._

_Did you do this? _

Tired of this exchange, Donna decided a quick phone call would get him off her back. She was so not ready to face him again. Besides, it was Saturday and there would be two performances today and tomorrow. She needed her head in the game.

"Donna? What happened?"

"I talked to him, that's all. But it's over."

He ran his free hand over his face. "I don't know how to thank you."

"You don't have to. It's done." She waited, unsure of where she wanted this to go.

Now that the threat of going to jail was no longer hovering over his head, Harvey had time to focus on what it had done to his burgeoning relationship with the love of his life, hating that he had caused her to doubt him and keep her distance.

"Can I see you?"

"No, Harvey. I don't think so."

"Why not?" Those goddamn walls were apparently still in place and he needed to know why, now that he was out of the woods, but a silence descended on the line.

"It's like, with you, there is always impending doom lurking around the corner. For years it was Mike's secret. Then the multiple times you almost lost your license. You willing to sacrifice yourself and go to jail instead of Mike. I mean, I almost lost you a hundred times before I actually did lose you. I just–"

"You never lost me. You _left_ me," he interjected, not wishing to blame her, but merely stating facts.

"And you still haven't forgiven me for it. So, you tell me, what are we doing here?"

"I may not have forgiven you for leaving, but I am here because I still want to be with you. Because my life means nothing without you in it. And for everything that has happened, I still love you."

Donna closed her eyes. His words summed up perfectly why their situation was so complicated. Still, hearing him say out loud, for the first time in a very long time, that he loved her, sent a shiver up her spine.

"Donna." Feeling like he had nothing left to lose, he carefully asked the one question he wanted a straight answer to, her walls be damned. "Do you love me?"

She knew she held the power to completely destroy them with one single word. She hated it as much as she hated her answer. "Right now, I wish I didn't."

Harvey's chest tightened, the ambiguity of her words both discouraging and elating him, because as much as he felt the pain, there was a glimmer of hope, because he knew the origin of her reluctance like no other.

"Donna, listen to me. I learned a long time ago, even before we ever got together, that having you in my life means carrying around the constant fear of losing you. But not being with you at all was a fate far worse." He paused, realizing this was it. He would throw it all on the table and bet that he could make her come around by being truthful about his emotions and intentions. "The more time I spent with you here, the more I realized that I just don't want to be without you. And if the reason you don't want to be with me is because you're scared of losing me, all I can say is that I can't make any promises. And I know I jeopardized our… whatever we are, by assaulting Jeremy. I am truly sorry it made you feel you can't trust me, so I will do what I can to earn it back. But we both made promises in the past that we didn't keep." He paused briefly, giving her a moment to let the words settle, before continuing. "It'll take a big leap of faith for each of us, but I'm willing to go all in, because I know it'll be worth it. You're worth it."

He smiled nervously, a little shocked at his own eloquence and the ease with which the words rolled off his tongue. But when it came to her, it had been clear from the start. He wanted her. Needed her. Loved her.

Donna shook her head, in awe that he was saying all the right things. He really got her, ignoring her defenses when she needed him to the most, unlike before.

"I don't think we've met. What's your name again?"

He chuckled softly. "Donna, if you still need time, I will give it to you, but I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you."

"You've become quite good at that. I can't believe you just Donna-ed me!"

"Well, I learned from the master." Harvey could tell she was coming around and he felt like he could finally breathe again. "Is it okay if I come over? I'd really like to see you."

She took a deep breath. "Yes, Harvey, you can come over." All she really wanted to do was hug him right now.

.

Thirty minutes later, her nerves were jumping, doing their little routine in her stomach as she opened the door. Looking into his smiling eyes as her own lips curled upwards at their own volition, Donna was conscious of the fact that these were new beginning for both of them. If he was willing to take the leap, she would leap with him.

Seeing her standing there, he could tell she was nervous, her big eyes revealing as much. Yet she was smiling up at him with hope, causing his heart to skip a beat. Without saying a word, he stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms, their cheeks meeting before he buried his face in her neck, his nose filling with her scent while he felt Donna tighten her grip on him.

They stood like that for what felt like an eternity, just holding each other, feeling each other, neither one ready to let the other go as the door fell close behind them.

Pulling back, Donna looked at him with a serious expression on her face. "Don't you ever pull something like that again, okay?" It was a plea as much as an order.

"I promise. I am sorry, Donna, I should ha–"

Her lips on his shut him up with an urgency in her kiss he had no trouble mirroring, kissing her like it was the first and the last time all at once.

He withdrew himself from her too soon, far enough to be able to meet her glistening eyes. Something shone in them that touched him deep within, a light he hadn't seen in a long time, one that told him she did trust him and wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. His heart grew so big he had to take a breath to steady himself, but he needed to know for sure.

With her palms on his chest, she anxiously waited for him to speak.

Scanning her face nervously, he mustered enough courage to ask, barely above a whisper, "Are you saying you want this? That you want me?"

One hand traveled up to his face and came to rest on his cheek, as her thumb brushed back and forth tenderly over the rough surface. The softness of his words and the vulnerability he had expressed them with took away any and all doubt she may have had. Gazing into his dark brown eyes, she answered, "Yes, Harvey, I am."

* * *

_A/N: Please let me know what you think by leaving a review!_


	14. Sky

_A/N: Thank you all so much for the overwhelming response to the last chapter. It's really what keeps me going, even though I have less time to write at the moment. But I am committed to this story, so I will definitely finish it._

**_Warning_**_: M-rated content._

* * *

**14\. Sky**

Turning them around, Harvey kissed her vehemently and not-so-gently pushed her up against the door, in an effort to convey his excitement. When she let him, his knees buckled slightly, and he was glad to lean on the wood behind her for support, his hips holding them both in place.

_She wanted him_. She wanted _them_. And she was giving him a second chance. It was all he had hoped for ever since he had run into her. Ever since she left two years ago.

His whole body hummed, his brain was foggy, and he was losing his resolve to take things slow, somewhat surprised Donna wasn't protesting.

Donna in turn raked her nails across his back and over his scalp, trying to slow down, but failing miserably, getting lost in him as he filled all her senses. When he had lectured her about being afraid, something had shifted deep inside, allowing her to let go of any and all hesitation to be with him. Because as scared as she was of losing him, the idea of living without him had somehow become as inconceivable as living without air, or water. Or happiness.

Cradling her face, he let their mouths collide, his tongue finding hers with ease, tasting her, relishing in it and coveting more. However, the rising hunger was cut short by Harvey's pants pulsating between them, startling them both as the vibration continued without end, forcing them to break apart.

On a curse, Harvey took out his phone and read Mike's name on his screen. His friend hadn't returned any of his text and calls yesterday, so Harvey answered, keeping Donna pinned between himself and the door.

"Mike, hey," he said while staring Donna down with hooded eyes. He lowered his head and noiselessly pressed his lips to hers once more in a concealed kiss. "What's going on?" Brushing his nose against hers, he let their breaths mingle, waiting for Mike to speak.

The smile Donna sported nearly made him drop to his knees.

When Mike spoke, his voice sounded tired and worried. "Harvey, I'm sorry I didn't call back yesterday, but I had to take Rachel to the hospital."

Upon hearing the words, Harvey stepped back, away from the door. All desire drained from his body instantly as he straightened his back, furrowing his brows. "Is she okay? Did she have the baby?"

"No, she's okay, but she was having early contractions. We thought it was time, but our little girl is staying put for now."

Harvey released his breath. "I'm glad to hear everything's okay." He met Donna's eyes, relief shining in his.

Donna gave his hand a soft squeeze, before making her way over to the couch, waiting for him to finish his phone call.

"Yeah. So, what's going on with you? You sounded like you were in trouble," Mike inquired.

Harvey ran his free hand over his face. "I'm sorry, Mike. Everything's fine. There was a bit of a situation, but Donna fixed it." He looked at her retreating form, realizing he still needed to properly thank her for saving his ass.

"Really? What happened?"

"You know what, I'll tell you later. I'm kinda in the middle of something now."

"Okay… So, you and Donna–"

"Thanks for calling, Mike. I'll talk to you later." He cut him off, not yet ready to share any of the latest developments with his friend. There would be a time and place for it soon enough. Ending the call, he turned off his phone, not wishing to be disturbed further.

"So, Rachel's okay?" Donna asked curiously as she heard him approach, making a mental note to call her friend later.

"She is."

A little irked that their moment of reconciliation had been interrupted, Harvey sat down beside her and without thinking took her hand in his. The lingering discoloration of his knuckles was a reminder of the harsh road they had taken getting here.

Scanning her face, he observed how her rosy cheeks and swollen lips looked absolutely breathtaking in the early morning light, briefly wondering if she had always been this beautiful.

"Thank you, Donna."

She looked at him with an exuberant smile. "For what?"

"For talking to Jeremy. You didn't have to do that. And I'm sure it wasn't easy."

Her smile faded as she dropped her eyes. "It wasn't, but it had to be done," she stated matter-of-factly. And exactly how hard it had been was something she would keep to herself. It didn't matter. It was in the past now anyway.

Harvey examined the way her shoulders squared as she spoke, the fighter in her rearing her head. Nevertheless, it was clear as day she was holding something back. He debated pressing her on it but instead opted for trying to convey his gratitude by placing his lips on hers once more, which brought back the smile she had lost.

"I love you, Donna."

It was one thing to hear the words over the phone but seeing his unwavering resolve with her own eyes and the intimacy it foreshadowed, was something else entirely. Suddenly, she wasn't sure if she could reciprocate, the whole situation still too new, too fragile and way too terrifying. So, she just smiled at him, hoping it would be enough for now.

Getting up quickly, she asked over her shoulder, "Would you like some coffee?" Good excuse, Paulsen, she thought. It was still pretty early in the morning after all.

As much as Harvey wished she had echoed his declaration of love, he took comfort in knowing she did feel the same on some level, regardless of her need for time. He practically had to pry it out of her on the phone earlier and even then, her answer hadn't been that great. _Right now, I wish I didn't. _Like it was an unbearable task, something she could do without.

He couldn't help but feel disappointed.

Running his hand over the fabric of the sofa, the memory of yesterday's panic attack was still fresh in his mind. He hesitated, a wave of nerves sending goosebumps up and down his arms just thinking about it. It had been the worst one in a long time and he'd felt a lingering unease ever since, the panic still hovering below the surface.

As soon as she returned with two steaming mugs, he admitted, "There's something I have to tell you."

Facing him, she noticed the solemn look on his face and she mentally braced for impact, an unsettling feeling rising from her stomach up to her throat, making it difficult to breathe. She wasn't sure she was ready for yet another surprise.

"After you left yesterday, I uh…" He could still back out, lie, though her worried eyes tore through him, encouraging him. "I had a panic attack," he confessed, taking a sip of his coffee so he could avoid her compassionate stare, wishing there was something stronger in his cup. The last thing he wanted was her pity but hiding something as big as this from her was not an option. He'd tried that before…

In preparation for the comforting embrace she was about to give, Donna put her drink on the table, watching him carefully, waiting for him to meet her eyes. When he kept his gaze fixed on the coffee table, she tucked one leg under her and turned her body in his direction. Softly squeezing his upper arm through the off-white fabric of his sweater, Donna found that her hand didn't even cover half of the muscle. "Hey," she coaxed softly, hoping to catch his attention.

The persuasion in her voice did not correspond with his lack of desire to discuss the subject. So, he let them collide for a brief moment while he closed his eyes and took a breath. He hated feeling this way. Every single panic attack had made him feel powerless, not in control and worst of all: weak. After all these years, he had yet to come to terms with them and he still found it hard to talk about. Even with her.

Her voice broke through his thoughts. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he managed to muster, even though Donna could tell he wasn't. Not in this moment.

Only a few minutes ago, they had been making out like teenagers. Her face still itched from the way his two-day stubble had burned her skin. And now the mood had shifted as if somebody had died. Clearly, the roller coaster they had found themselves on wasn't over just yet.

Donna hesitated. He obviously wasn't in the mood to talk about it. Should she let him be? Or should she try and get him to talk? Torn between the two, she rested her chin on his shoulder and began to trace her fingers up and down his spine. The soft material created a warming sensation for both of them. Maybe something in the middle would do the trick.

"I wish you would talk to me." It wasn't a demand, merely a desire.

He turned his head then. "Like how you talked to me when I asked you about Jeremy just now?" He still felt too raw, too exposed to let her in and deflecting didn't only seem like a nice way out, he also felt she owed him at least that much.

His comment stabbed her enough to want to get up and leave, but she knew he was right. Why should he open up to her when all she did was shut down?

Heaving a sigh, she sat back. "Fine. You want to know the truth? It took a piece of me, Harvey." Withdrawing her hand, she fidgeted with her fingers, feeling a tightness in her chest.

Looking at her, he watched how she searched for the right words.

"He had every right to go to the police, because you assaulted him, badly, might I add. And here I was telling this man whom I, for all intents and purposes, had cared about, that he shouldn't press charges, because I couldn't live with the idea of you going to jail. I'm sure he loved hearing how much more you mean to me than he ever did." Her voice grew in volume as she spoke, frustration mixed with sadness getting the better of her. Thinking how bringing up his dead girlfriend had cut her deeper than she was ready to admit, she saw no need to add that piece of information.

Harvey listened on in silence. He could only apologize for his mistakes so many times, but the guilt remained, tugging at the edges of his soul, forcing his gaze into his coffee cup instead of on her.

"But like I said," she continued, "it had to be done." She searched for his eyes, feeling a little relieved to have spoken the words out loud, the burden she had endured somewhat lessened.

Looking at her then, almost in disbelief, the fierceness in her words and actions reminded him why he loved her in the first place. To know she would subject herself to this type of agony, for him, was enough to make him want to wrap her in his arms and never let go. If she weren't able to profess her love for him, her actions would do it for her, practically screaming it. So, he put his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as their current positions would allow.

Donna's hand traveled to her favorite spot at the nape of his neck, but his twisted upper body didn't give her the physical connection she craved. Lifting her leg off the floor, she threw it over his lap, effectively straddling him. With their upper bodies flush against each other, she ran her fingers through his hair, easing him and herself at the same time.

Emotions were running wild in Harvey's body. It wasn't so much desire he felt as it was a love he thought was lost forever; the love he had felt for her before, only amplified to something that made him dizzy. He wrapped his big arms around her torso, almost expelling all air from her lungs, before pulling back to meet her eyes.

"I really mean that much to you?" he asked softly. Maybe she would give him this.

The corners of her mouth turned up ever so slightly. "The word 'soulmate' may have been used."

"I'm your soulmate?" he asked sheepishly, his voice going up in pitch, his eyes growing wide.

He always looked so damn adorable when he did that, she thought. How could she ever have walked away from him? Suddenly, all the reasons she had collected over the last two years and which she were able to list at a moment's notice vanished in a cloud of newfound love for the man whose breath she currently felt on her lips and whose eyes seemed to look straight into her soul.

He pulled her a little tighter to him, coaxing her, watching her eyes travel over his face and feeling how her finger started tracing his features. Almost involuntarily, he closed his eyes at the contact, wishing to savor every touch she granted.

"You always have been." She moved her finger down to his rugged jaw. "It's why you're here now." Over his chin. "After everything." She traced her thumb over his lips, barely touching the darker surface.

Before he could open his eyes, she had replaced her thumb with her mouth.

Reveling in her touch, Harvey let her take the lead, meeting her lips with each push and pull she provided, feeling a little disappointed when she broke their connection too soon for his liking. But as she looked at him, he knew it was his turn to open up and he had no objection this time, because having her this near meant he could conquer the world.

"I felt like I was drowning yesterday," he blurted out, focusing his eyes on a small mole just below her clavicle. "That all too familiar feeling I was going to lose everything again and there was nothing I could do to stop it… I felt so powerless, like I had no control over anything anymore. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, but this one was pretty bad."

Seeing the pain in his eyes and the way his lips moved into a thin line remembering the episode, made her want to weep.

* * *

_Harvey had felt a restlessness brewing inside of him ever since the phone call that afternoon which had informed him he had lost his second biggest client, resulting in another fight with Alex. _

_He knew this feeling all too well, the tightness in his chest, the difficulty breathing. _

_He'd called Ray and asked to be taken home as soon as he had finished up the necessary paperwork._

_It was late June and the days were getting longer, a hint of summer whispering in the warm air and blue skies above. Yet Harvey felt like he was being followed by a cloud of rain as darkness closed in on him._

_Specter Williams had only existed for two months and the future was already looking grim. Not having Donna by his side wasn't helping things either. Harvey hated that she had left and struggled to find his way without her. However, he had sworn to keep his mouth shut, because she didn't deserve to be burdened with the guilt of him being worthless without her. If she was happy, so was he, he told himself. And besides, Donna had received some bad news about her dad a few weeks ago. It had been the night he had surprised her at her office, at the end of her first week at Burton & Howe. Now he was stuck with a ring he didn't know what to do with, waiting for the right moment. _

_But the right moment never seemed to happen for them._

_Next weekend they would fly to Seattle to meet baby Billy. Maybe he could ask her then, if he ever made it out of town. With the way things were going at the firm, he wasn't sure he could get away at all._

_Donna found him sitting on the chair next to their bed, his one knee bouncing up and down fast, his fingers interlocked, his head down. It was early in the evening, too early for him to be home, but from the looks of it, he had been home for a while. His tie was gone, his sleeves rolled up. He didn't reply when she called out his name, so she made her way over to him, dropping to her knees in front of him and placing her palms over his. _

_Harvey looked up, startled by her touch and nearness. _

_Wide eyes met her nervous stare. He was pale and sweaty, like he had just seen a ghost. _

_"Harvey, talk to me. What's going on?" She tried to steady her voice, but it proved nearly impossible. _

_"It's nothing. I'm fine," he managed to squeeze out._

_"Don't lie to me. You are not fine. I need to know if I should call an ambulance." _Please don't tell me he's having a heart attack, _she silently prayed. _

_"No, you don't. It's a panic attack."_

_Donna didn't know what to do. She had no experience with panic attacks and Harvey hadn't had one in years, the last one having been long before they ever got together. And even then, he hadn't shared the details of what it really meant to suffer one. "What can I do?"_

_Harvey ached to feel anything other than the dread currently coursing through him. Seeing her between his legs, he hoped she might be able to provide some relief in another way. His eyes darkened at the thought and met hers._

_Donna being Donna read him like a book. Looking at her like he was going to devour her, she watched how Harvey started to unbutton his shirt frantically. So, she got up, unzipped her dress and got on the bed. Within seconds her underwear was gone, and Harvey was on top, his lips hard on hers, his growing erection in his hand. _

_There was nothing gentle about the way he ravished her, but if this was what he needed, Donna wouldn't mind giving it to him._

_Feeling if she was ready for him, he found she wasn't there just yet. Using saliva as a lubricant he slid two fingers in, trying to speed up the process. The desire he felt had little to do with the redhead pinned beneath him and everything to do with wanting to feel something good himself. In the back of his mind he hated it, but she was willing, and he needed the distraction. _

_Positioning himself, he thrust inside._

_Donna winced at the intrusion, not yet ready enough to receive the contact, but she would allow him this. It wasn't like it hadn't happened before. They had gotten carried away more than once, Harvey usually being the impatient one causing Donna to feel the remnants of their carnal lusts for days after._

_Soon enough, her body caught up with the task at hand, Harvey's breathing became labored and he moaned he was close. She coaxed him on, digging her nails into his back, moaning with him until she felt his body tense up and release, her own climax relinquished for the greater good._

_It was unlike anything they ever had experienced together and not in a good way._

_Withdrawing immediately, Harvey felt like shit. Not only had the orgasm done nothing to relief the anxiety, he had taken advantage of the woman he loved more than he loved himself. When he withdrew, he caught sight of how she flinched, baring her teeth briefly. _

_"God Donna, did I hurt you?" A shot of horror gripped at his throat as he tried to scramble off her like she was the most fragile thing in the world._

_"It's okay, Harvey." She kept her arms around him. "Don't you dare move," she commanded._

_He __looked her over, his guiding light, everything he had and didn't deserve. Nothing but conviction shone in her eyes and he surrendered to her courage. Settling half on top of her, he was no longer afraid of crushing her, because she could carry his weight, his baggage and his pain. Feeling completely drained, he wondered what kind of man he was if he couldn't do that himself._

_Sensing how __cold his skin was beneath her touch, she pulled the covers over them, sealing them in together. "Has this happened before?" she asked softly, once she felt his body relax a little more, even though the trembling didn't subside. _

_Not wishing __to worry her, he remained silent. She had enough going on as it was. Why tell her this was the third one in as many weeks? 'No' was all he said._

* * *

"I am so sorry, Harvey," she whispered softly, the back of her hand caressing his cheek. "Is there anything I can do?"

"This is all I need," he smiled up at her, before burying himself in her neck, pulling her close once more. "God I've missed you so much," he mumbled to her skin, his breath like a flame on her flesh. He thought he knew how much he had missed her but finally having her in his arms again only made him realize the past two years had been hell on earth.

He pulled back enough to look at her. "Tell me it will last this time."

Seldom had she seen this amount of vulnerability in him. It was what finally broke her. With tears in her eyes and a voice that cracked, she nodded her head and pronounced, "It will. It has to."

Harvey lost his hands in her hair and himself in her embrace. Her scent needled into his senses, blinding him, making him lose all perception of time and space. He couldn't get close enough, even though her body was melted to his perfectly. Suddenly aware of how her breasts were trapped between them and he didn't feel a bra through the silk of her blouse, a new desire took hold.

He placed a kiss just below her ear and trailed his tongue further down until he felt her heartbeat. Covering the position with his mouth, he suckled gently until Donna threw her head back on a moan.

Feeling his mouth on her favorite spot brought her down into the room. She had been lost in thoughts of missed time and opportunities, all the heartbreak they had both endured only to find each other again. Experiencing a mixture of sadness and joy, it was clear as day that she still needed time to process, but judging by the growing bulge in his pants, Harvey had other plans.

"Harvey." No response. "Harvey, hey." A little more serious. "Harvey, stop!" she finally demanded, pushing at his shoulders.

"What's wrong?" he asked, looking confused.

"I think we should wait," she claimed.

For a second he thought she was kidding, but the smile on his face disappeared like snow in July when her dispirited eyes told him she was dead serious.

Donna slowly slid off his lap to sit beside him. Taking his hand, she stroked the back of it as she began to explain. "Harvey, I want to be with you, but these past few days, weeks even, have just been a whirlwind of emotions and it feels like there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's all happening so fast. I need some time to process it all." She paused, trying to read him. There was no doubt in her mind that this was what she needed, so she continued, "I want to get used to having you in my life again and appreciate what we have between us. I need to know that this is it and I don't want to have to prove that to you or myself by sleeping with you. Because, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I think it'll eclipse everything else. And besides, it'll give us something to look forward to." A hopeful smile tugged at her lips.

His first instinct was to disagree with everything she was saying, because he wanted her, maybe now more than ever, but as he let the words sink in, he could see where she was coming from. Still, it felt like a rejection, even though he had been so willing to give her time before. Why was he so disappointed now?

"Hey. Say something." Okay, now she was getting a little nervous.

"I hear you, Donna." He managed a smile, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Why don't we start by you taking me out to breakfast? I have to be at the theater at 11, so it'll give us plenty of time for our first official date as a couple."

"Breakfast? That usually comes _after _the mind-blowing sex I plan to have with you_._"

"Well, we're doing things differently this time, Specter."

"Whatever you say, Ms. Paulsen." He would follow her lead any time. To the ends of the earth if he had to.

* * *

Pulling up into a parking spot near the theater's back entrance, Harvey killed the engine and immediately reached over to take Donna's hand.

He had taken her to breakfast at one of her favorite places in Santa Monica, even though he had rather taken her to the Beverly Wilshire, wanting to shower her in luxury the way he was used to. But she had insisted that she didn't need luxury. She liked the places she frequented and would much rather share them with him. And it had been wonderful.

"I'll pick you up tonight," he stated, leaning over to kiss his woman goodbye. They were finally together, and he already would have to miss her for an entire day. He cursed at fate's cruelness.

Donna caught a flash of gray pass by the window. Pulling back with a big grin on her face, she motioned for Harvey to look outside. Mary was standing only a few feet away, looking at them with the widest smile. "You better go before she gets her hands on you."

"I will." His heart warmed knowing Donna had people in her life rooting for her.

"Oh, by the way, you can sell the ticket you got for tomorrow night. You don't need it anymore," she said, smirking.

"How did you know I have a ticket for tomorrow?"

"Because you bought it together with the one for opening night," she stated.

Harvey just stared at her, unable to stop smiling even if his life depended on it. "Fine. I will. Now, go, before I turn this car around and take you home with me." He leaned in again, feeling how Donna met him halfway, her soft lips smiling against his own.

"I'll see you tonight." She already couldn't wait.

As Donna got out, she tried not to smile too brightly, but she was radiating, giving even the sun a run for its money. Feeling a bit bashful about her current state, she approached Mary warily, knowing she would have to answer all her questions and she wasn't ready to burst out of her bubble just yet.

Not saying a word, Mary couldn't contain a smirk witnessing how uncomfortable Donna got trying to hide her joy.

Opening the door, Donna waited. "Are you getting inside?" she asked, still grinning.

"You have a lot of explaining to do, missy." As Mary walked past Donna, she stopped in front of her and threw her arms around her friend. "But I am so happy for you!"

Donna finally let go of her unease. "Thanks, Mary."

Minutes later, the two were in Donna's dressing room, where Donna had told Mary all about her talk with Jeremy and her reconciliation with Harvey.

"So, the big question is, how was the get-back-together-with-your-ex-sex?" Mary inquired, nosily.

Feeling put on the spot, Donna took a moment to consider her answer. "I've told him I wanted to wait." As the words left her lips, she suddenly wasn't so convinced she was doing the right thing anymore. Weren't you supposed to jump each other's bones once you got together? "I feel like I need to be sure it will last this time," she quickly added, feeling the urge to defend her choice.

Mary took in how Donna seemed to be struggling with her decision. Never one to judge, she asked, "How did he take it?"

"He took it as well as could be expected, even though I know he really hates it."

"How long are you planning on holding out? I mean, it's clear you are in love and he is one fine specimen of a man," she declared, raising her eyebrow. Yeah, no way this was gonna last, she thought to herself.

"I don't know. Honestly, I doubt it'll last long, but it just felt like the right thing to do."

"Well, then you made the right choice. It's as easy as that. And besides, once you do have sex, it'll be the best damn sex you will ever have. Trust me, I know," she said, a knowing look on her face.

It was all the reassurance Donna needed.

* * *

Harvey pulled into the parking lot of the gym. Turning off the engine, he felt like he was dreaming. Closing his eyes, he licked his lips, remembering all the kisses he and Donna had shared this morning. He still couldn't quite believe it. She wasn't just back in his life. No, she was back _with_ him. After weeks of uncertainty, fear and longing, there was no mistaking they were now officially together.

Walking into the gym with a proud smile on his face he couldn't seem to shake, he wanted to see if he could catch Tony and explain why he had run out of here yesterday. He also wanted to apologize to Tyler, hoping the man hadn't been too badly injured from their sparring match.

"New York!" Someone called. Harvey recognized the voice immediately and turned around to face the man.

"Adrian. How's it going?"

The men clasped hands and patted each other on the back briefly.

"Pretty good. How about you? How's the hand?"

Harvey looked at the bruises that were still visible. The session yesterday hadn't exactly helped either, even though it hadn't really hurt. Much. "It's alright."

"Whatever happened to that guy? You knew him, right?"

"He was going to press charges, but Donna talked him out of him." Mentioning her name inadvertently made his stomach flutter.

"Donna. The redhead? You two finally together?"

"Yeah, I guess we are." He really wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Maybe then it would start to feel real.

"Well, I'm happy for you, Harvey."

"Thanks, man. Hey, have you seen Tony around?"

"Yeah, he's right over there." Adrian motioned to one of the punching bags in the corner.

"I'll talk to you later."

Making his way over to where Tony was practicing, Harvey felt bad for the sack of sand receiving a beating. Man, this guy had skill. Agility. Youth. What he wouldn't give to have some of that again.

Upon seeing Harvey's form, Tony temporarily stopped assaulting the inanimate object. "Hey, you okay? You disappeared so fast yesterday, I didn't get a chance to –"

"I'm sorry. I should have told you what was going on, but I wasn't feeling so great."

"Yeah, I figured." Tony eyed the man in front of him carefully. Something was definitely different about him. "That redhead got something to do with that?"

"Yes and no. But it's all sorted out now."

"Good. I'm glad. You wanna go a few rounds? Or would you rather beat up Tyler again?" he mocked, shooting Harvey a big grin.

"Very funny. Let's go."

* * *

"Rachel, tell me what happened? I heard you had to go to the hospital?" Finally, on a break, Donna couldn't wait to talk to her friend, although she was still undecided whether she should tell Rachel about the latest developments in her own life or if it would be better in person.

"Yes, I thought I was going into labor, but it was just a false alarm. They kept me overnight, though. Poor Mike, he was so tired, he is taking a nap now with Billy. I'll send you a picture later, they are so cute together!" Rachel exclaimed. "Hey, wait a minute, how did you hear I was in the hospital in the first place?"

"Harvey told me," she deadpanned, glad her friend couldn't see the stupid smile on her face.

"Right, of course he did," Rachel replied sarcastically. "Harriet Specter, you better start telling me what's going on in Santa Monica, because clearly you've been holding out on me."

"Not much has happened here." Unless you count Harvey and I getting back together, she thought.

"But you're still bringing him over for Christmas, I assume?"

"Yes, and I think he wants to surprise Mike, so don't tell him, okay?"

"Oh, my God! That is so exciting! I can't wait for you two to get here. So, what else have I missed?"

* * *

At ten-thirty sharp, Harvey waited outside of the theater, unsure of how he would find Donna. She had had two performances today and there would be two more tomorrow, but then it was over, and she would be Emily Cratchit no more. He would finally have her all to himself.

Except for their trip north to celebrate Christmas with the Rosses.

Harvey had thought about calling Mike today but had decided he would surprise him in Seattle. He couldn't wait to see the look on his friend's face when he would be standing on their doorstep next to Donna.

The air was crisp and the stars were shining brightly as he leaned against the trunk of his rental. The door flung open unceremoniously and out stepped several people, some of which he recognized from when he had been backstage on opening night, but there was no sign of his redhead. Checking his phone again, a soft voice beside him said, "She got called in with the director. She'll be out soon."

Harvey looked up and met piercing blue eyes. Mary was standing in front of him, a bright smile covering her wrinkled face.

"Mary."

"Harvey. I just have to say, I am really glad you two are back together. I haven't known Donna that long, but she is a dear friend and she deserves to be happy."

He gave her an acknowledging nod. Maybe it was her tone of voice or the gray strands of hair or the way her necklaces fell around her neck, but Harvey realized Mary reminded him of his mom. His heart sank a little, feeling the overwhelming urge to hug this relative stranger standing in front of him.

"But please be patient with her," she requested rather sternly. "She's been through an awful lot these past few weeks." Mary would know, she had seen it first-hand, almost getting dizzy herself from the ups and downs Donna had informed her of.

"I will," he promised, grateful for the woman's concern. "And thank you for being there for her." If Mary was Donna's mentor, he was willing to bet she had had a hand in their current situation.

Mary was momentarily taken aback by the sincerity in his voice. "God, you really are perfect, aren't you?" she cheered, surprised at his unforeseen gratitude. "Come here."

Before Harvey knew what was going on, Mary had him in a tight embrace. And suddenly he knew why she reminded him of his mom. They wore the same perfume. So, he leaned into her, letting her hug him however long she liked, inhaling her scent and for a moment pretending it was Lily he was holding.

"What's going on here?" Donna voice cut through the air.

Harvey had been so caught up in his mom's memory, he hadn't even heard Donna approach. Breaking the contact, Mary and Harvey shared an understanding smile, before facing Donna.

"Mary was just –"

"Leaving. I'll see you tomorrow, Donna. Goodnight." Giving Donna's arm a heartening squeeze, she disappeared into the night.

Bewildered the pair had been hugging, she glanced him over. "You wanna tell me what that was all about?"

"Nothing. She just told me she was happy for us," he mumbled in reply, unable to hide the sadness that had befallen him.

Stepping closer to force his eyes on her, she placed her hand over his heart and gently asked, "What's going on?"

He smiled halfheartedly. "She reminds me of my mom," he said, a little misty-eyed, looking away as soon as their eyes met.

There wasn't much she could do to ease his pain and Donna hated that feeling more than anything in the world. "Hey," she said softly, planting a tender kiss on his lips. "Let's go home."

* * *

_A/N: As always, please review. I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)_


	15. Seattle

_A/N: I can't believe I'm 15 chapters in! Your continued support is absolutely amazing and I thank you all. Sorry this took so long, but I've been working 6 days a week lately. And this chapter was really hard to write! I do hope you enjoy it. _

* * *

**15\. Seattle**

The applause ringing around the theater was deafening, followed by a standing ovation that lasted forever. After ten performances, the company's run of A Christmas Carol had come to a close. Donna took the hands of her co-stars on her left and right and in unison they bowed to loud cheers and whistles. It was a sound she would never tire of; the feel of having brought joy to hundreds of people by telling a story and adding her own twist to a character. Even with the turmoil she had found herself in the past week, she felt she had done a good job.

As the curtains drew close, Donna felt exhilarated. It wasn't just that the last performance had gone better than all the others, thanks to the last-minute changes the director had made. No, despite the four-hundred people that were out there, she was mostly just excited about one audience member in particular. When Harvey had shown up at opening night, she had had no idea he had been out there. But tonight, she made sure he got to see the best show he had ever seen.

Harvey had seen nearly all the productions she had been in, ever since she had started working for him. His interest had been surprising at first, however, it soon became something she treasured. Being able to share that part of her life with him, even long before they ever got together, gave her a sense of real friendship with the man she had called her boss for so long.

Now her boss turned friend turned lover turned fiancé turned memory turned boyfriend was here tonight. _Boyfriend_. The term still sounded odd, just as it had years ago when they had first started dating. But Donna knew that introducing Harvey as her 'soulmate' was probably also kind of weird. So, 'boyfriend' would have to do, which was already infinitely better than how she had described him as 'an old friend' to some curious cast members a week ago.

'Friends' had never really represented their relationship well anyway.

Having changed out of her costume, Donna had hurriedly taken off her make-up, leaving her hair up and to be dealt with later. She walked into the green room where 'Last Christmas' by Wham! filled the air. A decorated Christmas tree had been adorning the space since yesterday afternoon and the room was now filled with people, some of which Donna didn't recognize. Most likely, they were family members of the cast and crew, all coming out to celebrate a successful run. She scanned the faces quickly but didn't find who she was looking for, much to her dismay.

Standing on a chair in front of the tree, Jackson, the director, got ready to address the crowd as Donna was served a glass of eggnog. If she wasn't already in the mood for Christmas, she sure was getting there fast.

The music was turned down and voices around her hushed as Jackson spoke. Donna found a spot at a high table and put her glass down. Checking her phone again, she wondered what was keeping Harvey. It had been at least fifteen minutes since the final curtain. Sending him a quick 'where are you?', she turned her focus back to the director, who was now explicitly thanking the crew members for their hard work, resulting in some applause from the group, in which she participated, grateful for all their hard work.

Finally finding Mary in the crowd, Donna gave her a small wave when two hands snaked around her waist and pulled her back into a rock-hard body. Harvey's cologne tickled her nose and she eased instantly, smiling to herself as his lips landed on her exposed neck.

"Hey, beautiful," Harvey whispered, pulling her closer to him. His bare, massive underarms wrapped around her stomach and he felt her lean into him. "You were amazing."

Harvey's hot breath in her ear made her weak in the knees and she was glad for the support, holding on to him with no intention to ever let go again.

"Merry Christmas, everyone. See you all next year," Jackson bellowed excitedly as he stepped down from his makeshift podium. More applause broke out across the room and someone turned the music back up.

Donna finally turned around and faced her man. "So? What did you really think?"

"Best play I've ever seen," he said dryly, pride filling his heart.

"Yeah? You're not just saying that?"

Watching his smile grow so wide it turned his eyes into little slits, Donna couldn't help but smile with him. He was positively beaming, and it was contagious as hell.

"I wouldn't dare." Inching his face forward with every word, he kissed her softly. "I'm really proud of you."

.

An hour and two glasses of champagne later, Harvey finally pulled up to her house. The party was probably still going on, but when Donna had been unable to stop yawning, he had suggested they'd leave. After everything that had happened in the last couple of days, he was amazed she was still standing at all. He himself had felt the overall exhaustion hit him twice as hard today, when his workout had to be cut short because he just didn't possess the energy needed.

With a turning of the key, the low hum of the car died. When Harvey had dropped her off the night before, he had left at her request, taking the hint when she had uttered the words 'I'll see you tomorrow' before he had a chance to turn the engine off.

He was anticipating a similar request tonight. But the car's motor was no longer running, and she had yet to speak. Looking at her sitting beside him, he could tell she was lost in thought, her brows drawn and lips tight.

As soon as they had gotten in the car, Donna had been overcome by a fear she knew was irrational. He wasn't going to leave her because she was holding out on sex with him. But theirs were still fine lines to walk. What if her making him wait would drive him away? He certainly had needs and they included her naked. And it wasn't like she wasn't torn between her desire to wait and her desire for him.

But last night had felt awkward. And even though he had tried his best to hide it, the disappointment was still clear as day to her.

"Donna, it's okay. I can go," he said, breaking the silence that filled the vehicle.

"Harvey, it's not that I don't want you to stay," she started, fumbling her way through the words. "I just haven't changed my mind about… _that._ Although I've hardly seen you these past few days, but I'm also really tired." She dropped her head in her hands, before looking at him with an expression she hoped conveyed how sorry she was. "I hate this."

"Hey. It's okay." He took her hand in his. "You've had two really long days. Why don't you get some sleep and I promise we'll get to spend every waking moment together, starting tomorrow."

"That sounds really nice. I am really looking forward to going to Seattle with you."

"So am I."

He was, too, but the closer it got, the more nervous he felt about seeing Mike again. Would they simply spend a couple of days like nothing ever happened? There was a nagging feeling in his stomach telling him there were some difficult conversations to be had. Shrugging the worry off, he took solace in knowing Donna would be there, too. And the smile she was giving him now encouraged his heart. "How about I come by at ten tomorrow and we can have breakfast and we'll take it from there?" He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"That sounds nice."

He leaned in and trailed his lips over hers, deepening their kiss immediately. Thank God there wasn't a rule about kissing her senseless. It sure as hell wasn't easy to hold back, but she was worth the wait. He knew that much.

Her hand crawled up his chest and grabbed the collar of his shirt to draw him closer, kissing him vehemently until they were both out of breath and had to break apart.

"Thanks for coming tonight," she added sincerely. However, the wicked smirk that played about his lips told her Harvey's mind was in the gutter and there was nothing she could do about it. She pointed a finger at him, quirking an eyebrow. "Don't," she commanded, melting as his lips devoured her once more. She would come, too, alright. In the drawer of her nightstand, she had the perfect battery-operated substitute that had his name written all over it.

Exhaustion be damned.

.

The next morning, Donna had suggested she pick him up, never actually having been to his place since he moved in. In turn, Harvey had suggested he'd make them breakfast himself. The domesticity of it had felt so natural and easy, neither one dared questioning if they were doing the right thing.

Now they were on the road again as Harvey sat behind the wheel of her BWM. He had told her about a spot he really liked, and she had been game for pretty much anything as long as it involved him.

Scanning through her messages, Donna found Haley's name. She had replied to the girl's text yesterday morning that things between her uncle and herself were still unsure, but that he indeed was celebrating Christmas with her, to which Haley had only replied with cheerful emojis, knowing her uncle well enough to know how happy that would make him.

Pulling up into the lookout, Harvey found a parking spot close to the edge.

The sun shone high in the sky and there wasn't a cloud in sight. And although the air was crisp, the Santa Ana's making way for cooler air, the temperature was still very pleasant.

Donna got out and walked towards the barrier, leaning against it, taking in the breathtaking beauty of the Pacific Ocean which stretched out all across the horizon.

Harvey walked up beside her, looking over the same blue scene in front of them. "I've been coming here a lot, clear my head, think. I really like the serenity of the place."

"It's truly magnificent. I can't believe I haven't been here myself." Taking her phone out of her pocket, she held it up and took a picture of the brilliant view before turning her back towards him. "Look here." Taking a selfie of them in the California sunshine, she sent it to his niece.

_Greetings from the West Coast._

"Who did you send that to?" he asked a little surprised.

"Haley. Marcus told her you were celebrating Christmas here, so she wanted to know if we were getting back together."

The memory of Donna and Haley's reunion a few weeks ago flashed before his eyes. He loved the young woman, but teenage girls were like an alien species to him, who often times seemed to speak a different language as well. Donna and Haley certainly were much closer than he and Haley had ever been. "Funny she is rooting for us. She never asked me anything after you left. I thought she didn't care much."

"She definitely cares. You know she's crazy about you. You just had a very different relationship with her," she confirmed as her phone buzzed briefly in her hand.

_OMG! I love you guys. When are you coming back to New York?_

It was a question Donna had wondered about herself lately. Putting her phone away, she leaned forward again, enjoying the moment for a little while longer. Eventually, she turned to face him, playing with the lapels of his jacket, trying to find a way to ease into the conversation she knew was looming. "Tell me something. Do you like your job in New York?"

"I like being a lawyer, sure. But if you're asking if I love it as much as I used to love working at the old firm, with Jessica, Louis... And you? Then, no, I don't. Plus, I found out I'm a pretty shitty lawyer without you by my side, anyway," he remarked, his hands traveling to her waist.

"Don't say that." She knew better than to feel guilty, yet that gnawing sensation in the center of her chest was all too familiar.

"It's the truth. My career as a lawyer would've been over before it even started had it not been for you. I would probably still be stuck fixing Cameron Dennis' messes. Or in jail because of it."

"Harvey..."

"I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty, Donna. I'm just grateful for your part in all of it."

"You shouldn't sell yourself short. You are a great lawyer! And I _know_ you're very good at plenty of other things, too," she corrected with a wink, hoping it would end his self-deprecation.

"Truthfully, my heart hasn't been in it for a long time. But it's all I know," he added almost regretfully.

"But have you thought about..."

He witnessed how an uneasiness took hold of her. "If I want to stay in New York?" he finished.

"Yeah."

"Not really. I don't know. I've always loved the city. I still do. But you are here." He could have finished speaking then, because nothing in this world mattered more to him. "That's why I took that sabbatical. To figure out what I wanted. I knew I wanted to do everything in my power to have you back in my life. And I think it's safe to say that worked out well."

"It did," she beamed.

"Now, I guess I just have to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or _our_ life?"

"Our lives, Harvey. I know it's still early on and we do have a long way to go, but I would like to consider you in the decisions I make from now on."

"Good. Me too. But let me ask you this. Would you ever consider moving back to New York? I know you said before that your life was here now. I guess I just want to know where you stand, now that things have changed between us."

"Honestly, I really love it here. And having you here has been better than I ever could have imagined. So, I think I would prefer to stay here." She admitted, trying to read him, hoping deep inside that he might want the same.

He nodded in acknowledgement. He hadn't thought much beyond Santa Monica. If she hadn't given him a second chance, it would have made the decision for him. However, now, everything was possible. "Maybe in the new year we can go back together for a visit. Like a long weekend or something. Maybe go to Boston, too?"

"I'd like that, Harvey."

* * *

That night, Donna had just finished packing for her trip when her phone rang.

"Hey Rach, what's up?"

"Well, I was preparing the guest room and I wasn't sure if you were aware that you and Harvey have to share a bed together when you stay here. Otherwise he'll have to sleep on the couch, since, you know, we turned the extra guest room into a nursery."

Donna had to laugh at the awkwardness in her friend's voice. "It's okay, Rachel. He and I can share a bed."

"Oh my God! You're sleeping together again? Why didn't you tell me?" Rachel all but screamed.

"Calm down. We're not sleeping together." Yet.

"But you're okay sharing a bed? Sounds like you will be sleeping together soon. What's going on between you two? I have to know!"

"Well, we're together."

"Like in 'together'? Really together?"

Donna could almost see the smile Rachel was sporting over the phone. "Yes, we're really together, Rach."

"But you haven't slept together," she asked incredulously.

"No, we haven't."

"Why not? Oh. Can't he –"

"Rachel! No! He's fine. I'm the one who wanted to wait. But trust me, we're good. We're really good. God, there's so much I still need to tell you." And she couldn't wait to do so in person.

Somewhere in the background, a child's cry filled the air.

"Oh no. Billy's awake again. He's been really fussy these past few days. Listen, I have to go check on him, but you will have to tell me everything. And I mean _everything_, tomorrow, okay? I love you. Have a safe trip."

"I love you, too. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Mike was waiting in the arrivals hall, scanning the crowd for his favorite redhead. It was early in the afternoon and he was looking forward to spending a couple of days off not doing anything other than eat, sleep and relax.

The pair had seen each other last at Thanksgiving and with the impending birth, he was glad to have Rachel's best friend come and take some of the pressure off of him, because at the moment he was pretty burned out.

Donna had truly become a member of the family. He loved her like he imagined he'd love a sibling, laughing and crying together and sharing life's highs and lows. He was actually really curious about what had happened between her and Harvey. Clearly, they were spending time together, but Harvey had been vague in his last phone call and Rachel hadn't said much about it either, so Mike figured there might not be a lot to tell.

Wishing he could have invited Harvey over as well, Mike knew that with all of the history between Harvey and Donna, that was definitely a no-go. Not until Donna told him differently. Nevertheless, he held out hope that one day the two of them would find themselves on good enough terms again and he wouldn't have to lie to Harvey anymore.

Even though the lying had been necessary, it had eaten him up all these years and it definitely had impacted his relationship with someone he once called his best friend. Now, he couldn't even remember the last time he had seen the man. It was well over a year ago, he knew that much, when he last visited New York. Thankfully, Harvey was in California now for the foreseeable future, so maybe he would get to see his old mentor at some point.

He surely missed him and hoped Harvey was spending Christmas with his family, especially this year, now that his mom was gone. When Harvey had broken the news to Mike, he had been ready to get on the first flight out, but Billy had gotten sick and Rachel couldn't take time off work, forcing him to stay home. The long distance didn't help, either. Harvey had said he'd understood, but Mike knew better.

When Thanksgiving had come around, Mike had sat on the news the entire holiday weekend, wishing to tell Donna, but knowing that the H-subject was very much off limits.

It had torn him apart.

Mike spotted a flash of auburn above the masses. He couldn't see her face, but from the way she moved, he knew it was Donna. When she finally came into view, making her way through the busy terminal while gently pulling at a suitcase, a long, thick winter coat draped over her arm, he saw her mouth move. Still a good fifty feet away, he could tell she appeared to be talking to someone, laughing even, but he couldn't see who it was until she slowed her pace and looked over her shoulder, waiting for the mysterious being to catch up.

Mike's jaw hit the floor the moment Harvey materialized beside her, smiling at her, like it was the most natural thing to do. Blinking twice to make sure he wasn't just seeing things, Mike remained frozen in place as the couple approached.

"Hi, Mike!" Donna cheered, holding her arms out for a hug the moment he was within arm's reach.

Mike returned the embrace, focusing on the redhead for a moment, surprised at the shock he felt coursing through him. He had definitely not seen this one coming.

Harvey looked on at the pair, suddenly unsure if this surprise had been a good idea. Judging by the pale expression on his friends' face, he may have made a mistake in not telling Mike he was coming over. But seeing the younger lawyer here now, Harvey realized he had really missed him.

"I brought a surprise," Donna smiled softly, looking over at Harvey.

"I see that. Harvey. Merry Christmas." A smile crept on his face, wrapping his arms around the man. "It's good to see you."

Harvey swallowed hard and barely got the words out. "It's good to see you, too, Mike," he choked.

Yeah. He had definitely missed him.

.

Some forty-five minutes later, Mike pulled up into his driveway. The moderate three-story, four-bedroom Victorian he and Rachel had lived in for the past three years had light blue siding and white trimming showing off the architectural details of the building. Five steps led to the front porch which wound around to the back of the house. A porch swing was situated in front of the wide window next to the front door, which was flung open to expose Rachel, glowing with excitement and Billy standing beside her, holding onto her leg, curious yet a little shy as to who would emerge from the black station wagon.

The moment Billy saw his dad, he let go of his mom and walked down the steps. "Daddy!"

"You're here!" Rachel exclaimed at the same time.

Donna went over to greet Rachel as Harvey walked over to Mike, who had picked up little William.

"Wow, he's gotten so big," Harvey asserted. "Thank God he looks like his mom."

"Very funny. Hey Billy, you remember your uncle Harvey? Say hi," he coaxed.

"Hey buddy," Harvey greeted, pinching the boy's belly. However, the little guy must not have remembered him, because he buried his face in the crook of his dad's neck, as far away from the scary man as possible.

"I'm sorry," Mike apologized, "he gets a little shy around people he doesn't know very well."

"It's okay." Harvey couldn't very well blame the boy. It's not like he had been a regular part of his life. And yet to be reminded of it through Billy's rejection stung more than he cared to admit.

"Rachel. You're huge!" Donna walked up to meet her friend and placed her hand gently on Rachel's stomach, hugging her from the side as to not crush Little Miss Ross.

"I know! I can't believe you made it. Together," she added a little more softly, looking over at Harvey and her family. "How was the trip?"

"Perfect."

"And how are things between you two? I want to know _everything_!"

"They are good, Rach," she smiled broadly, watching how Harvey approached them.

"Hey, Rachel." Harvey walked up the steps and gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek and a quick once-over. "You look beautiful," he added sincerely.

Rachel was a little perplexed. Harvey had never given her a comment like that before and it clearly took her by surprise. She furrowed her brows a little, smiling. "Thanks, Harvey. Come on in. It's getting cold. They say it might snow tonight."

Harvey proceeded inside and heard Donna's voice behind him. "Hey, little man! Give your auntie Donna a hug." He turned around to see Billy slip out of his dad's hold into Donna's embrace, his little arms wrapped tightly around her neck. "I've missed you," she added, carrying the boy inside.

As he watched the pair, his heart sank a little. Like a mantra, he forced himself to repeat in his head 'He shouldn't feel hurt. He shouldn't feel hurt. He shouldn't feel hurt.' But goddamn, feeling like the outsider hurt.

.

A few minutes later, Rachel was busy pouring everyone drinks, when Donna joined her from the foyer. Rachel watched how the men walked into the living room and sat down. With his coat on, she hadn't exactly been able to tell, but now that Harvey had discarded of the bulky garment, Rachel's eyes went wide, her mouth slightly agape as she found Donna's eyes. "Has he been working out? He is…" Rachel trailed off.

"Huge? Yeah, he has been working out. A lot." Donna confirmed, unable to contain a smile as her eyes briefly met Harvey's.

Rachel looked between the two. "Harriet Specter, you are glowing. And you still haven't tapped that? God, the sex is gonna be so amazing once you do," she said, trying hard to keep her voice down.

"I know," she said playfully, raising one eyebrow.

"That poor man."

"Poor man? Trust me… I won't be walking for days." Or so she hoped.

"Just so you know, I'm perfectly fine if you want to have sex in my house. As long as you keep the noise down."

The women's laughter filled the house. This was going to be a Christmas to remember.

* * *

Having spent the afternoon in the kitchen while Rachel and William had taken a nap, Mike had prepared dinner with Donna's help and Harvey mostly distracting them. The dinner was nothing fancy, saving the best for Christmas day when Rachel's parents would join them as well.

For Harvey it had felt like a homecoming he hadn't realized he needed, even though there was a nameless feeling boiling below the surface, one he couldn't identify. It made him restless and uneasy.

Sitting at the round dinner table, Rachel, Billy, Mike, Harvey and Donna were ready to dig in when Harvey raised his glass. "Mike, Rachel, I would like to thank you guys for inviting me. It's been really great to be back with friends." Under the table, he reached for Donna's hand in search of support, squeezing it gently the moment he found it. "Here's to family," he added.

.

Conversation had been flowing freely like no time had passed at all, but when someone said 'remember when' for the umpteenth time that night and followed it with a story Harvey had not been a part of or lacked any knowledge of, he wished he had the balls to say something. Instead, he gulped down his drink and excused himself, asking where the bathroom was.

Restlessness had made way for agitation and he needed some air.

Making his way back into the foyer, he grabbed his coat and opted to sneak out the front door instead of going down the hall to the actual bathroom. Pulling his collar to the chilly wind, he took a seat on the porch swing, welcoming the cold.

It had been truly great to see Mike and Rachel again and to be here with Donna had been the icing on the cake, but he still felt like he was merely on the outside looking in. They were a family and had shared everything these past few years. And he had missed out on all of it. Harvey found himself wondering if Mike was even still his friend or if he was Donna's friend now and his friend by proxy. He definitely needed to have a talk with him about all that had been kept from him, no matter how well-intentioned.

Because the more he thought about it, the more it hurt.

A few minutes passed. Little flocks of snow had started to fall, bringing with them the promise of a white Christmas. The picture was perfect, yet it felt all wrong, like something big was missing, like there was a void that kept growing in size.

The front door opened slowly, and he briefly looked up into hazel eyes, but the concern they held made him avert his eyes.

Donna buttoned up her coat, carefully taking a seat next to him. When the silence grew too heavy, she broke it. "It's cold out here." Hearing the words out loud, she realized she had described so much more than just the weather. Turning her body towards him, she spoke softly. "What's going on?"

"It's just weird being here," he finally stated, looking straight ahead at the lawn that now contained a thin layer of white.

Scolding herself for not realizing sooner how delicate this situation was going to be, she slipped her hand into his. She had been a fool to think it would just be like old times. "What was it like for you to see Mike again?"

"I have to say it was a little weird." He ran a hand over his face as if to rid himself of the uneasiness regarding the subject. "So much has happened. You guys are all much closer. It's like your lives continued and moved forward and I was stuck for two years, drowning in misery." He took a moment to gather his thoughts, wishing to let the truth roll off his tongue, regardless of the pain that came with it. Staring at their entwined hands, he continued, "I kinda feel like I don't belong, even though they are supposed to be my friends, too."

His mournful tone struck a chord with her. He was hurting and she was to blame. It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to her heart. "I'm so sorry, Harvey." Tears formed in her eyes as emotions got the better of her. "It's my fault. I made him promise not to say anything to you. I forced him to choose between you and me and because Rachel is my best friend, he chose me. I never should have put him in that position. And I'm so incredibly sorry if it damaged your relationship." She let a tear roll down her cheek. Cupping his face with both hands, she forced his gaze on her. "But Harvey, listen to me. You do belong here, you're wanted here. We are _family_. And we all love you."

He looked into her big, watery eyes and instinctively wiped away a tear that fell down her rosy cheek. Swallowing thickly, he wondered out loud, "Do you?" He felt like the one needing comfort right now, because his confidence was shot.

"I know I haven't said it before, because I was afraid of what it would entail. But I do love you, Harvey," she added softly.

Finally hearing the words caused his heart to skip a beat, relief settling deep in his soul.

Harvey closed his eyes and brushed his nose against hers. "Good."

"Good," she echoed, letting his lips devour hers in a messy kiss until they were both out of breath. "What do you say we go back inside?"

"I kinda like it out here," he confessed. He was used to the cold and he had to admit, the way the porch was lit with strings of tiny lights and having Donna by his side, he had everything he needed in that moment.

"I do, too," she said as she leaned her head on his shoulder. She would stand the chill a little longer, reveling in their comfortably silent togetherness, even though the guilt remained.

.

"Everything okay?" Mike asked when Donna and Harvey finally walked through the door.

"Everything is fine," Donna confirmed with a smile.

"Good. Rachel went up already. It's way past her bedtime as it is," Mike joked, motioning to the clock on the wall which only read 10 PM.

Seizing the opportunity, Donna excused herself as well, sensing that the men might appreciate some time together.

Harvey's gaze followed her up the stairs, both grateful and a little nervous.

Mike poured them both a drink as Harvey took a seat in the lounge chair near the fireplace for some much-needed warmth. Taking the glass Mike offered, he took a sip of the amber liquid and sat back.

"So, you and Donna…?" Mike half-asked, a small smile playing at his lips. He had been dying to ask all day. "You really are back together."

"I still can't believe it. After all this time." He swirled his glass around, snorting softly. "I thought she hated me."

"She never stopped loving you, that's why the past two years were so hard on her."

Harvey's eyes shot to Mike's, unsure whether he wanted to know more details.

"Listen, Harvey, I am sorry I never told you where she was," Mike started tentatively.

"I know," he said into his drink.

"She didn't really give me much of a choice."

"You had a choice, Mike, but I get it." He wasn't sure if he would have made the same choice, which made it all the more difficult to grasp.

Mike let the accusation go, realizing he hadn't exactly been much of a friend lately. "You're right. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I guess living on the opposite side of the country doesn't help, either. You know I wanted to come to your mom's funeral, but then Billy got sick and there was just no way I could have made it." He was making excuses, hoping it would give Harvey some inclination his absence hadn't been for a lack of willingness.

Letting a silence stretch between them, Harvey couldn't help but feel a sting of pain in his chest. It wasn't just the pain of people leaving, but the pain of just not being important enough to the people he cared about. Even though he knew Mike loved him like a brother, the past two years had been lonely as fuck and for the first time Harvey realized he had lost some confidence in their friendship.

"I'm glad you're here, though," Mike asserted.

"Me too, Mike," he muttered under his breath. He should be. He was. Really.

.

Some two hours later, Harvey silently closed the bedroom door behind him. Looking over Donna's sleeping form, he took a moment to take in the sight. The book she had been reading was left at the edge of the nightstand, as if she had put it there while already half asleep. She lay on the left side of the bed, facing the window with her long, auburn locks draped over her pillow. He could see a hint of white lace, the strap running over her shoulder holding the garment in place, even in this position. Her pale skin was illuminated only by the lamp on his side of the bed.

Buried in white sheets, she looked like a fiery angel.

With a heavy heart, Harvey got ready for bed. Discarding his clothes quickly and pulling on a t-shirt, he brushed his teeth and crawled under the blankets as gently as possible as not to wake her. Leaning over, he placed a soft kiss on her bare shoulder, hoping he would draw strength from her essence. He sure as hell needed it as he tried to keep himself from wrapping his body all around her. The desire to do so had never burned more fiercely.

Staring at the ceiling, he felt like shit.

As he listened to Donna's even breathing beside him, laying there in the dark, he finally felt certain of his future with her. All these weeks, ever since he had run into her, he had made sure she was his sole focus, subconsciously and consciously ignoring the sorrow that came with suffering a loss. However, the growing confidence he now felt regarding his relationship meant that he was no longer distracted by worrying about it and it opened the floodgates to the grief he had so masterfully evaded. And tonight, it finally him like a ton of bricks.

Today had been great in many ways, but the conversation with Mike had left him feeling disconcerted. When Mike had brought up Lily, memories of their time together had risen to the surface and it had somehow inspired him to tell stories of Christmases long ago, back when Harvey was still a little boy. He hadn't known where they'd come from or why he had wanted to share them with Mike, but he hadn't questioned it. It had felt like his mom had been in the room with them for a short while. And as great as that had been, he had missed her more than ever.

Because it was _goddamn_ Christmas.

The first Christmas where Lily wouldn't be telling embarrassing stories about him and his brother while cooking the best turkey he had ever had. They wouldn't be playing poker until the early hours of the morning after Marcus and the kids had left and he wouldn't be getting a kick out of beating Bobby, like he had done year after year. He also wouldn't be having his mom's strawberry pie. And he wouldn't get to tell her about Donna.

Tears started to wet his pillow as he covered both eyes with one arm. Harvey rolled onto his side away from the woman sleeping peacefully beside him, unable to keep his body still and afraid his crying might wake her. He let the pain wash over him as emotions warred inside. There wasn't much use in fighting it. He missed his mom, plain and simple. He hated feeling like a stranger in this house. The only good thing in his life was Donna, which left him feeling pathetic and hopeless and as sadness engulfed him, he held onto the image of his redhead, telling him she loved him.

Donna woke to the sound of muffled sobs, feeling how his body shook in short, successive movements. In the darkness, the sounds were amplified and for a moment she hesitated, questioning his desire for her comfort, not knowing what had brought this on. However, she couldn't very well pretend to be asleep.

Slowly turning around she moved under the sheets until her body was flush against him, sharing his pillow, resting her forehead against the nape of his neck while draping an arm over his and softly holding onto his shoulder. In an effort to soothe him, she began to rock him gently, pushing her body into his, back and forth, in a way that was barely noticeable, but impossible to miss.

Facing her was the last thing he felt capable of. Not right now. He took her hand and held onto it for dear life, moving it over his heart and keeping it there, letting her movements lull him to sleep.

* * *

_A/N: This was hard to write, so let me know your thoughts! _


	16. Santa

_A/N: You guys keep blowing me away with your responses. Thanks so much! And to the English teacher who commented: you have no idea how much your review meant, not being a native speaker myself. My old English teacher would be so proud. ;)_

* * *

**16\. Santa**

Somewhere during the night, Donna woke in a haze of Harvey. In the darkness, his scent filled up her senses and she let herself drown in it for a little while, having missed it more than she was willing to admit to herself. Although, too soon she was reminded for the reason her sleep had been interrupted: the fact that Harvey had somehow trapped her hand at a weird angle and her arm was now numb. Slowly entangling herself from his hold, she managed to free her limb and roll over to her side of the bed to get the blood flowing again, grateful he seemed to be peacefully asleep.

However, her movements must have woken him, because Donna felt the mattress move and soon enough Harvey was finding her in the dark, like a magnet drawn to a precious metal. His body, though a bit more massive than before, still fit perfectly with and around her delicate physique as he entwined his legs with hers, his upper body hard against her soft back. He pressed his lips to her shoulder. "Don't go," he whispered, pulling her a bit more closely to him.

Like she was going anywhere. "I'm here," she whispered back, running her hand over the arm that held her tightly, unsure if he was even fully awake. Yet she felt his body relax and smiled to herself, her own body softening against his and drifting off into peaceful oblivion.

Nothing felt better than falling asleep in the arms of the one you loved.

.

The next morning, Harvey felt something stir beside him, waking him gently as he inhaled a very familiar mix of scents that told him Donna was near. Opening his eyes, he felt the remnants of dried salt tightening the soft skin around his eyes. It reminded him that last night had been tough, but as he looked over at the beauty slowly turning on her back, he wondered why he had ever felt sad in the first place.

Propping himself up on one arm, he watched her, aligning the memory he had of her face with the new details he noticed as the first light peaked through the curtains. Feeling her waking, he delicately placed his hand on her stomach and his lips on hers, kissing her into consciousness.

Donna hummed into his touch, slowly opening her eyes. In between kisses she managed a 'Good morning', but it was a while before Harvey pulled back enough so she could finally meet his eyes. "Careful there. I might get used to this."

"You better. Because I intend to wake you up like this every day from now on."

Maybe it was her hazy mind still half asleep, but she pulled him in, hooking a leg behind one of his, letting their mouths crash into each other, tasting him and the residue of tears left on his lips. Her nails dug into his scalp as she reveled in the feel of his body so close to hers. His hand which had previously been on her stomach, pulled her leg up higher. His tongue dueled with hers, pushing and pulling until they were both out of breath. Thrusting his hips into her pelvis for some much-needed friction, Harvey let go of her leg and let his hand travel up over the lace of her nightgown, resting just below her breast, teasing her with things to come.

Donna pulled at the short hairs between her fingers, her passion for him overpowering her as his arousal strained against her hip. She couldn't wait any longer. This was it. _He_ was it.

A knock on the door resulted in simultaneous grunts from both of them as Mike's voice carried through the wood. "Billy is about ready to see what Santa brought him. If you guys are up, we'll wait for you."

Donna looked into dark, hungry eyes, feeling it was up to her to choose between Billy's Christmas morning and the man about to make love to her. Giving Harvey a remorseful look, she called out, "We'll be down in half an hour."

Harvey dropped his head beside hers, surrendering to her decision and needing to find the strength to get up.

Before he could, Donna stopped him by kissing him with an almost desperate urgency. "I want to," she said, needing him to know this interruption was only temporary.

"Good," he replied, his face lighting up. "I need a cold shower," he said, placing a last kiss on her lips before pushing himself up and walking straight to the bathroom without bothering to close the door behind him.

Watching his every move, Donna sank back into the pillows, wildly aroused. The mere thought of Harvey under a steady stream of water did nothing to ease the violent need for release, instead it only increased her desire. Slipping a hand down her body, she started rubbing herself over her already wet panties, the image of Harvey naked dancing around in her brain. As her own breathing increased, she suddenly froze. The sound coming out of the bathroom was definitely not just the water hitting the tiles. Listening to hear if she had only imagined it, she held still. And then she heard it again. A deep, guttural moan. Harvey was clearly getting off as well. She lasted all but a minute before she came, the release quick but intense, taking off the edge enough to make it through the day. Or so she hoped.

A few minutes later, she heard the shower turn off and got ready to go in when Harvey emerged from the bathroom clad in nothing but a towel. Even feeling his body close to hers could not have prepared her for the sight currently in front of her. With his hair still damp, a few droplets of water ran down the front of his chiseled chest. His arms really were massive and well accentuated, the small elevation of his veins the only irregularity on his otherwise impeccable surface. His pecs and his abs were mesmerizing, in a natural kind of way that told her he was superhero strong.

With the white cloth wrapped around his waist and his skin glistening in the morning light, he looked like a Greek god.

"You're staring again," he said with a devilish grin.

She would not give him the satisfaction, but she couldn't hide her desire. He looked absolutely amazing naked. "Did you have fun in there?" she smirked, her own cheeks still red from the orgasm she'd had.

"About as much as you had in here," he retorted, a smug look on his face. He knew that afterglow like no other.

Moving closer to him, Donna ran her finger over his abs, needing to know they were real. And they were, as real as her heart beating only for him. Stopping her motions abruptly to keep herself from jumping his bones right there and then, she pulled him down into a blistering kiss and disappeared into the bathroom.

Five minutes later, Donna walked back out into the bedroom to find Harvey on the edge of the bed, putting on his shoes. She had already put her dress on, leaving the last part of the zipper to be done by her man, who helped without getting up.

Seeing Donna get ready for the day with him brought on an avalanche of memories Harvey had tucked far away. They had spent countless mornings like these, making out, getting ready for work. He had always loved those moments. Because he knew that with her by his side, he could conquer the world. No matter how fancy the suits had been, she had been his armor more than anything, providing him with confidence and strength while also protecting him, from himself mostly, just by being there.

After last night, he needed some of that shelter, because as great a diversion as sex would have been, it would have only been a temporary distraction from the pain still deeply embedded in his being.

Once the seal of the dress was in place, Harvey spun her around. Looking up into kind eyes, he mustered a smile, embracing her midsection.

Donna ran her fingers through his still damp hair, playing with it, modeling it in shape. "Hey, are you okay?"

Casting his eyes forwards, he seemed to contemplate the question for a minute, before answering, "You know, she really loved you. I went to Boston that first weekend. I didn't even have to tell her. She just took one look at me and knew what had happened. And then we both cried."

Donna sat down beside him, mindlessly caressing his back. Sadness was evident all over his features, in the way his forlorn eyes glazed over and his lip quivered faintly. If only she could carry his pain for him, she would do it in a heartbeat. "I wish I could have said goodbye."

"I wanted to call you… when she got sick. I knew you would have wanted the chance to say goodbye."

If only he had. "I'm sorry I wasn't there." It was a regret she'd have to live with for the rest of her days.

"You're here now." Leaning forward, he kissed her softly, locking the moment with his mouth on hers and holding onto the idea that Lily was watching over him.

* * *

Exactly twenty-five minutes after Mike had interrupted their morning make-out session, Harvey and Donna walked into the living room.

William, still in his pajamas jumped up with glee. "They're here. Can I open the presents now?" he asked his mom excitedly.

"Go ahead," Rachel said. She turned to Donna, who had joined her side of the long sectional sofa, the armless side where she could easily prop her feet up. The long couch was situated against the wall, facing the fireplace. Through the window, the porch swing was visible, were it not for the Christmas tree obstructing the view. Harvey had moved down the end to join Mike and Billy near the presents. "I'm sorry I went to bed so early last night. I am so exhausted lately. I don't think it will be long before the birth. I might not even make it to the new year."

"Don't worry about it. We understand all that. I went up shortly after you did. Did you sleep well?"

"Not really, little Miss here was quite active." Rachel rubbed her protruding belly. "But the more important question is, did _you_ get some sleep?" she whispered, wiggling her eyebrows.

Donna had to laugh. "Actually, we had quite an interesting night. Why don't we make some coffee?" she added with a wink, getting up and extending an arm to get her friend on her feet as well.

"You feeling better?" Mike asked, watching his son unwrap the first of many presents.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about last night. I was just–"

"Don't be sorry. I get it. The first year is always the hardest."

"It sure as hell is," Harvey agreed, running a hand over his face.

"But I liked hearing those stories." Mike watched how his comment had somehow transported Harvey back to last night and the pain he had experienced. "Hey listen. Billy and I like to go for a drive every now and then. When he was a baby, he'd have periods where we could not get him to fall asleep unless we put him in the car and put some music on and then we would just drive around for hours. He doesn't have those spells anymore, but we still like to hit the road. You wanna come with us? I can show you a bit of Seattle you haven't seen."

"Sure, Mike. I'd love to."

"Hey, Billy, did you hear that? Your uncle Harvey is coming with us later."

Billy looked up from the fire truck he had just unwrapped, shifting his eyes between his dad and the uncle he was supposed to remember, but didn't. He stayed quiet and continued playing, not sure how he felt about that piece of information.

"Don't worry about it, he'll come around," Mike said apologetically.

Harvey tried to let it go.

Walking in the room followed by Donna who was carrying a tray of coffee and donuts, Rachel said, "Santa has got you guys a little something, too."

"Great, 'cause he got you something as well," Donna replied, putting the drinks down.

Handing both Rachel and Mike an item from under the tree, Donna received a box from Rachel as Mike handed Harvey his gift. William looked on in amazement, a little surprised to find that the grown-ups had also received presents from Santa Claus. Wasn't he just for kids? He let it go and continued with his unwrapping.

Harvey unpacked a fancy shaving kit. Donna opened a box containing a beautiful satin robe. Mike got a coffee table book on bikes and Rachel received a day-pass for a luxury spa uptown, to be pampered at once the baby was here.

Looking at the grownups happily unwrapping their gifts, William was a little surprised. All those gifts were incredibly boring. His new fire truck was so much cooler than the stupid book his dad got. Walking over to sit between the men, he turned to Harvey, "Look what I got! Santa got me a fire truck," and proceeded to show Harvey all the cool features of the red vehicle.

Feeling his heart grow ten sizes at this small gesture by this tiny human, Harvey smiled broadly at the boy. "You know, I used to have a fire truck just like this when I was your age."

Billy looked at him with a little less suspicion. "Did you also have a police car?"

"I did," Harvey replied. "I also had a Batmobile."

"What's a Batmobile?" Billy asked.

"That's the coolest car of all. Because that's Batman's car. Do you know who Batman is?"

Billy shook his head.

"He is the greatest superhero there is," Mike added, happy his son was finally bonding with Harvey.

Billy let the words sink in, running the truck over the couch and crashing it gently into Harvey's leg. He definitely had to learn more about this bat guy. Especially if he had such an awesome car.

Feeling like he had finally won the young Ross' trust, Harvey whispered, "Hey Billy, will you do something for me?" He pulled a small box out of his pocket and handed it to the boy. "Will you give this to your auntie Donna for me? Say it's from Santa."

Billy met the man's eyes and frowned for a moment, still a little wary of the newcomer until he realized a gift might make Donna really happy. Two hands reached for the item eagerly and with a smile on his face, William walked over to his aunt, who was lost in a conversation with his mom. Both women smiled at him, when he handed Donna her present. "It's from Santa," William cheered.

At the sight of velvet, her heart started pounding. Donna's eyes met Harvey's as butterflies started to flutter. The softness she found in his gaze was a gift in itself, the love and anticipation clear as day. With Billy by her side, she opened the box carefully, exposing a beautiful golden ring inset with five small diamonds.

Her breathing stopped.

Taking the ring from its box, she noticed the inscription and stared at it for the longest time.

"Mommy, auntie Donna is crying," William announced, seeking solace in his mother's lap. He really didn't like it when people were sad and just when he had started liking Harvey, the man went and made his favorite aunt cry.

"It's okay, sweetie. I think those are happy tears," his mom explained, giving the young boy a hopeful smile. Rachel eyed her friend carefully, watching how Donna's hand trembled, before Harvey joined her, calming her shaking hands by covering them with his.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered as he leaned in and kissed her. Never having been someone to show affection in public, he couldn't imagine why it had put him off before. Here was the only woman he had ever truly loved, by his side, wanting to be with him, choosing him. He didn't care who knew. He loved her and that was all that mattered.

"Jesus, Specter. A little warning would have been nice," Donna finally exclaimed when they broke apart.

"So, you like it?" he asked, taking the ring she was offering.

"I do." She searched for something profound to say, but there were no other words she could conjure up, her mind temporarily having foregone all potential to function.

Slipping the ring on the middle finger of her right hand, as three pairs of eyes watched them with bated breath, Harvey couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. "Perfect fit," he said softly.

"Mommy, is he her boyfriend?" William asked, lacking the awareness to whisper, and therefore inadvertently lifting the tension that had descended on them all as chuckles filled the air. It made him wonder if he had gotten the terminology right.

"He is," his mom smirked, feeling giddy as hell for her beloved friend as she shared a look with Mike, who was smiling broadly himself.

"She hasn't said 'thank you'," Billy stated matter-of-factly.

Donna pinched Billy's socked foot. "You are too smart for your age, young man. But you are right." She turned to Harvey again. "Thank you, Harvey. I love it." 'And you,' she wanted to add, yet didn't. But he had her heart. And soul.

And now she couldn't wait for him to have her body as well.

* * *

Just before noon, Donna found Mike in the kitchen, preparing some snacks for his road trip with the boys.

"Thanks for doing this," she started. "He's really missed you."

"Don't mention it. It'll be fun."

"Listen, Mike. I want to apologize."

Her tone of voice concerned him, so Mike stopped what he was doing and turned to Donna. "For what?"

"For forcing you to be on my side. I should have known me staying with you and asking to keep my whereabouts a secret would come between you and Harvey and I never should have…," she trailed off, guilt and regret suddenly all-consuming. How could she have been so selfish? "I know it changed your relationship with him. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am and that I will do whatever I can to help repair it."

"Donna, Harvey and I growing apart wasn't just because of you. Living on opposite ends of the country with busy jobs, Billy and another on the way is hard enough as it is. Although you're not completely wrong. You staying with us then and moving out here has had a part in it as well. But you shouldn't feel guilty. You didn't force me. I made a choice and I'm okay with it. And Harvey and I will be fine," he stated unconvincingly. He was hopeful but definitely not sure. "You guys just have to stay together forever now. I don't think I can handle another break-up," he added with a smile.

"Trust me, none of us could. But thank you, Mike. You're a great friend," she said, giving his arm a squeeze.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he added smugly. "Are you happy?"

"I am, Mike. I mean, it's still new and there's still some things we have to work out, but these past few years without him were…" She wanted to say 'hell', but that would undo the front she had put up so well, the one in which she was doing fine and had it all under control. "…hard. Even though I convinced myself it was for the best, that he and I needed to be apart to move on."

"Speaking about moving on, you still have to tell me what happened with Jeremy."

"What about him?" Harvey's voice grumbled through the kitchen as he walked up behind Donna.

Mike witnessed how Donna tensed up at the mention of her ex-boyfriend's name. Or was it Harvey's presence in that moment? The way Harvey's lips were tightly drawn attested to the man's own ire regarding the subject, which in turn alerted Mike that something definitely had happened beyond what Harvey had told him he'd done to Donna.

"It doesn't matter. I'm glad you guys are getting to spend some time together. Have fun." She kissed Harvey on the cheek and disappeared into the living room.

"What was that all about?" Mike asked incredulously. "I mention Jeremy and you both react like I just told you I'm rooting for Satan from now on."

"He's history. That's all that matters."

"I'm not buying it." But he wouldn't press the matter, either.

.

Thirty minutes later, the men were on the road. A few inches of snow had descended on Seattle overnight and although it had stopped momentarily, forecasts were announcing more snow in the next few days. At least the gray clouds and cold winds had given Harvey a genuine Christmas feeling, unlike sunny California.

Harvey had been truly amazed at Billy's knowledge of cars. It wasn't so much knowledge as it was recognizing the car logos and naming the brand. He knew quite a few, but Harvey had gladly helped him out with the ones he hadn't seen before, impressing the young Ross more than once.

"Daddy doesn't like cars," Billy stated.

"It's true," Mike agreed. "I don't care about them, never have."

"Harvey likes cars," Billy noted then.

Harvey looked over his shoulder, wondering why hearing his name from Billy felt so amazing. He didn't know much about kids, but he did know that they were always brutally honest about who they liked and disliked. And Billy seemed to like him, making Harvey feel accepted into a small circle of trust. Finally.

Pulling into a gas station, Mike unbuckled William, so the boy could help fill up the tank, which he loved to do.

Fatherhood seemed to come naturally to Mike, that much was clear as Harvey observed the two putting in the credit card and putting the nozzle in the tank.

When the tank was full and the dispenser back in place, Mike announced he was running in to get some wiper fluid. "Billy, you stay here with Harvey, okay?" Bringing the boy in would only result in endless discussions on why he couldn't have all the chocolates there and Mike was not in the mood, grateful for having someone else there to watch his son.

"Okay," Billy agreed, hearing a faint siren in the distance that seemed to be getting closer.

Harvey watched how Mike walked away, feeling a little unnerved to have this responsibility thrown in his lap.

"Look, it's a fire truck!" Billy exclaimed, making a beeline for the road, causing Harvey to jog after him through the snow, glad the little one had been raised well enough to stay on the sidewalk.

Coming to a halt in front of the crosswalk, instinctively, Harvey picked him up, to make sure he couldn't go anywhere else, thinking the added height might give him a better vantage point as well with the crowd of people on the street. He was right as Billy didn't seem to object. He only pointed in the direction of the truck. "Look. It's coming here!"

"Your son is adorable," Harvey heard someone say, convinced the female voice wasn't talking to him. Yet he still looked in the direction of the sound. A young woman with a stroller stood waiting beside him, her cheeks aglow, a gentle smile on her lips.

"Oh no, he's not mine," Harvey said, shifting the bundle of perpetually moving limbs from one arm to the other.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. How old is yours?"

"Two months. It's a boy, too," she beamed proudly.

"Well. Be careful. Before you know it, he'll be chasing after fire trucks."

The woman smiled and crossed the street when the light turned green.

Harvey shook his head. Had he just engaged in a conversation about kids with a perfect stranger? When had that ever happened before? Looking into Billy's dark brown eyes, he could see why the lady might have thought he was his. And for some unexplainable reason, the idea that he could be seen as someone's father made him feel… proud?

"Hey guys! You ready?" Mike called out from the car, having returned with a blue container in his hand.

Putting William on the ground, Harvey tracked how his short legs moved fast in the direction of the station wagon, trying to shake off the feeling currently creeping up his spine.

"See, I told you he'd come around," Mike cheered, to which Harvey only nodded in acknowledgement, having had absolutely no confidence in the matter. "Do you ever regret it?" Mike asked then, while strapping Billy down into his seat.

"Regret what?"

"Not having any kids. You would have made a great dad."

"I don't know. I guess so, sometimes. But then again, I could never picture myself doing it with anybody other than Donna. And since it wasn't on the table for us, I guess I just let it go. It's too late now, anyway."

Noticing the pain in his eyes, Mike apologized. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"It's okay, Mike." Harvey tried to shrug the feeling off. When Marcus' kids were young, he had been convinced it wasn't for him. But that was so long ago. Harvey wondered why he was suddenly thinking about fatherhood now. Maybe it was just the absence of family, him missing his mom, reminiscing with Mike about Christmases when Harvey had been Billy's age. Grief sure was an arduous process. He let a silence fall between them until they were back on the road. "How long have you had your driver's license?"

"Five years. Why?"

"No reason. Just wondering if that's why you still drive like an elderly person." Harvey joked.

"Hey, I have a kid in the car," Mike laughed, knowing he would get teased by Harvey about his driving at some point, surprised the older lawyer hadn't harassed him about it sooner. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something," he finally said, a little more seriously.

"Sure, what is it?"

"What are your plans now? Are you going to be staying in California?"

"I don't know. I had the same discussion with Donna the other day. I think she wants to stay."

"And you would consider moving here?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I hadn't exactly thought it through before I packed my bags, you know."

"The reason I ask is that our clinic is partnering with a firm in LA. Management there made such a mess that the board fired everybody, and they are looking for someone to lead the transition and become General Manager. I think you'd be perfect for the job."

"Why are you mentioning this now?"

"Because I didn't think to ask you before. I never thought you'd be interested. But now that you are thinking of staying out here, it might help make the decision easier knowing there's a job waiting for you."

"Thanks, Mike. Tell me more about this place. What kind of cases do they take?"

* * *

When Harvey walked through the front door, following Mike and William, he took off his coat, shaking off the snowflakes that had covered them in the short walk from the car to the house. It was really coming down now and he was glad to be back inside, welcoming the warmth.

"Harvey Specter!" a low voice bellowed through the hall.

"Robert! It's good to see you." As the men embraced, Harvey noticed there was a little less Robert hugging him back. "You look great. Been working out?"

"I sure have. Laura's keeping me on a strict diet and workout schedule after that almost-heart attack last year. But look at you," he said with a hint of disdain in his voice. "You look like a goddamn athlete."

Harvey couldn't help but laugh at Robert's bluntness, always having liked the man for exactly that trait.

"It sure is a surprise to see you here, Harvey. When Rachel called me yesterday and told me you'd be here, I thought I was hearing things."

"Well, I hadn't expected to be here," he confessed, hanging up his coat.

"So, you and Donna are back together, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess we are."

"You gonna marry her this time?" Robert watched a sliver of shock cross Harvey's face, but he didn't care. That man had no idea what was good for him and sometimes he needed a reality check.

"I don't know, Robert. We've only gotten back together last week."

Robert looked at him like he was the biggest idiot on earth. Even a blind man could see how in love they had always been and given their history, they were probably ruined for anyone else.

"Uhuh. And the earth is flat. From what Rachel told me, you two can't keep your eyes and hands off each other."

Coming down the stairs, Donna watched how the two men chatted, happy to see Harvey and Robert in the same space again. "What's going on here?" she probed, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Harvey froze, taking in the beauty descending upon him.

"Harvey is a fool, Red," he asserted, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Watching Robert's retreating form, Donna turned to Harvey. Now that the hallway was deserted, she leaned into his body longingly and was met with a firm grip on her waist. Ever since this morning they had stolen touches and kisses whenever they were alone, the physical attraction between them stretching to its limits, like a rubber band ready to break.

"Why are you a fool? I mean, I don't disagree, I just like to know his reasoning." She sassed, gazing up at him.

"Very funny. Red." He said teasingly, before landing a solid kiss on her lips, evading the subject, or so he hoped. Licking his lips after breaking apart, he thought he tasted strawberries. Looking her over from top to bottom, he felt a new need take hold of him. Donna had changed into a different dress for dinner, the kind that made her look nothing short of breathtaking and made his pants feel a little tighter. "Has anyone ever told you, you look especially hot in blue?"

Swallowing hard, she fingered the lapels of his jacket, her lips mere inches away from his. "Yes. You have. Many times." Donna felt her cheeks glowing, the navy color of her dress having been no coincidence when she chose to bring it on this trip. And the reaction she was receiving was exactly what she had hoped for. The way he was looking at her, the hunger he embodied, fired up a hunger of her own, a desire to tear the shirt off his back and ride him like there was no tomorrow.

"So, you remembered. And still chose blue." His whole body was glowing. Feeling her breath on his lips, the way she pushed and pulled at him drove him slowly insane.

"I did," she whispered to his mouth, feeling his hard body become even harder.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" he asked hoarsely. 'Kill' was more like it, especially how she drew back from him a little to look up with a mischievous smile.

Tracing the V-neck of his black shirt, she ignored his question. "You look really handsome," she breathed. Burying her face in his neck, she inhaled her favorite cologne: him. And then she lingered there, moving her nose across his skin before placing a wet kiss just below his jaw.

Harvey gripped her waist tightly, trying to contain himself and not rip that dress to pieces right there. _Fuck_. This was going to be a really long night.

.

By the time dessert was served, the house was filled with laughter and good cheer. Donna had been helping Laura and Mike prepare most of the dinner, while having taken care of the dessert herself. She had insisted on making one of her favorite recipes, convincing her hosts they would love it, too.

Donna walked into the dining room with the pie on a cake stand, covered with a glass dome. Putting the ceramic base down in the center of the round table and taking the cover off, everyone commented on how good it looked and if she had made it herself. Everyone but one.

Harvey watched in silence how Donna gently cut a slice and placed his favorite piece of pastry, his _mom's_ strawberry pie, on a plate in front of him.

He was at a loss for words.

As everyone dug in, oblivious to the real reason Donna had wanted to be in charge of dessert, she turned to Harvey and whispered, "Surprise," adding a soft smile.

Harvey just stared at her, dumbfounded. He definitely was not going to cry in a room full of people. And he also wasn't going to show Donna exactly how appreciative he was feeling. Not right now, anyway. So, instead he searched for something in between, fighting the emotions rising to the surface.

Donna's hand traveled to his knee and she felt him grip it tightly. "I didn't know what to get you, so I thought this might be a nice present. Merry Christmas," she said.

Leaning towards her, he placed his lips on hers briefly. "I love you."

"See what I was talking about," Robert said to Laura. "These two need to get a room." To which Laura smacked his arm and motioned for him to finish his cheat meal.

"Is something wrong with the pie? You haven't touched yours yet," Mike asked Harvey as Rachel gave Billy another bite.

"It's nothing," Harvey answered before turning back to Donna. "I didn't know you still had the recipe."

"I've always kept it."

Feeling the need to explain, Harvey mumbled to no one in particular, "My mom used to make this. It's always been my favorite."

Suddenly the room fell silent as all eyes turned to Harvey.

Seeking solace in her touch, Harvey squeezed Donna's hand fighting the burn in his eyes.

It was Mike who finally broke the silence. "Well, Donna, you did a great job. This pie is the best I've had in a long time."

"Hear, hear," Robert joined.

"It's really wonderful," Laura added.

"Billy is a fan," Rachel said, watching how his little face was already covered in red stickiness. "And I am, too. Your mom would be pleased with the result, I'm sure," Rachel said to Harvey.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he tried to make room for a bite, never letting go of Donna's hand.

Yeah, his mom was definitely with them this Christmas.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Harvey and Donna made their way up the stairs; spent, but happy.

Billy had gone home with Robert and Laura after dinner, spending a few days with his grandparents so Mike and Rachel would have some time together alone before the birth of grandbaby number two.

The three non-pregnant adults had enjoyed all but two drinks by the crackling fireplace, before they decided to call it a night, the excitement of the day suddenly catching up with them all. Going up early had been especially fine by Donna and Harvey, who both couldn't wait to be alone. Near a bed. Naked.

As they walked down the hallway upstairs, Harvey slipped his hand in Donna's, the anticipation titillating the air between them. Because as soon as the door would close behind them, Harvey was planning on pushing Donna up against said door and kissing her with everything he had, pressing his upper leg between her legs and trying not to tear that dress to shreds. The mere idea made his heart beat faster and his already forming erection twitched in his pants.

A chorus of shivers went all over her body when Harvey interlaced his fingers with hers. Donna briefly wondered why on earth she would even feel nervous in the first place. This was Harvey. _Her Harvey. _They'd done this hundreds of times before. And yet it felt different than any of their previous encounters, an undeniable significance subjugating this moment. So, she held on a little tighter and let him lead her, putting her trust and everything else in their connection as they neared their bedroom.

"Donna!" Mike cried out from downstairs, for the second time that day unwittingly preventing their soon-to-be-make-out session from happening.

Mike's frantic scream made her run back down the stairs and into the kitchen without thinking to find Rachel hunched over and a nervous Mike looking terrified, supporting his wife.

"My water just broke," Rachel moaned, feeling the cramps she had felt earlier increase by the minute.

"Mike, go get the bag you have upstairs. You need to get her to the hospital. Are you okay to drive?" Donna asked, a bit concerned he may have had too much to drink, while taking Mike's place in keeping Rachel upright.

"Yeah, I am," he shouted over his shoulder, nearly running into Harvey on the way out the kitchen.

"It's okay, honey. Little Miss Ross wants to meet you," Donna said while soothingly stroking Rachel's back.

"Is everything okay?" Harvey asked with a worried look on his face.

"Rachel is going into labor. Go get some towels. She'll need some in the car and we need to clean this up," Donna commanded, seeing Harvey's face drain of all color at the sight of the small puddle of liquid on the floor.

Harvey disappeared out of sight faster than lightning. Nothing like a reality check to kill the mood. Sure, he liked kids, but the whole process of a watermelon being squeezed out of the opening the size of a lemon made him a little queasy, even though he would never admit to it. Towels. He needed towels.

"You think he'll ever get over seeing my baby's amniotic fluid on the floor?" Rachel chuckled in Donna's arms.

"I doubt it," Donna laughed.

A few minutes later, the floor was clean, and Rachel was hoisted into the backseat. Mike's voice was all businesslike, ready to take care of the task at hand now that he was over the initial shock of his wife going into labor again. "I have my phone with me. I'll let you know as soon as I have some news. If you need a car, you can take Rachel's. The keys are by the door. I love you guys."

"Be careful, Mike," Donna yelled through the snowflakes that had started to come down a little more heavily. "Let us know you got there safely."

"I will." Mike slammed the car door and took off into the night.

Donna and Harvey waited on the porch steps until the station wagon disappeared around the corner. Walking back into the living room, the couple was met with the Christmas tree still aglow, soft jazz sounds filling the air and the fire casting a gentle warmth into the space as if life here had stood still for a few moments.

Donna felt the adrenaline course through her body. The nervousness she had felt because she was about to have sex with Harvey mixed in with the unease of her best friend about to deliver a baby into this world. She prayed to god everything went smoothly.

Harvey was still processing what had just happened, like the world was somehow a little different and sometime in the next twenty-four hours, there would be a new Ross to grace this earth.

They looked at each other. "Want a drink?" they asked in unison, both needing some liquid courage, because all of sudden it felt like everything had changed and hours had passed since they had gone up together, ready to take the next step in their burgeoning relationship.

Yet everything remained the same and the night was still young.

* * *

_A/N: I don't know why, but Billy decided to be a big part of this chapter and I don't intend to have Harvey and Donna have a baby, but I felt Harvey needed to deal with those emotions as well. Let me know your thoughts!_


	17. Surface

_A/N: It seems the longer this story goes on, the longer the chapters become. But here it is. The most M-rated chapter of all. :) Thanks again for all the comments. You guys are all amazing and I love that you are still with me on this journey, even though the show has been over for months._

**_Warning_**_: M-rated content_

* * *

**17\. Surface**

_Thirteen years of pent up frustration was unleashed as Harvey pushed her up on her hallway table, pinning her upper body between himself and a painting on the wall. All he could think about was marking her, making her his, and making sure that this time she would know with absolute certainty he was all in. If it had been up to him, he would have taken her on the spot, but somehow their hands found each other, and Donna used the opportunity to move them to more merciful surroundings. _

_Silently following her in the direction of her bedroom, he waited a moment, the weight of what they were about to do all at once crashing into him. He watched how she turned around to face him, probably thinking he was having second thoughts. So, he framed her face with both palms and brought his lips to hers in a heated but unhurried kiss. For the first time that night, Harvey allowed himself to savor her taste, darting his tongue out in search of hers and being met by an equal urgency to have this last forever. _

_Coming up for air, he scanned her face for any sign she might be the one reconsidering this whole deal and he needed to be sure she wasn't, because his heart was on the line and Donna was the one with the power to smash it into nothingness. "Are you sure about this? Because if I go in there, I might never want to leave."_

_"Good," she breathed against his lips rather impatiently, covering the tiny distance between their mouths. Her heart was racing, and her mind was a little hazy from his intoxicating nearness and the wine she had been drinking before he'd knocked on her door. And as sobering as having Harvey's erection pressed against her stomach had been, she still felt drunk. On him. "Because if you go in there, I might never let you go."_

_As soon as he set stepped through the doorway, it took him all but thirty seconds to get her undressed and moaning in ecstasy as his lips descended on her core, his tongue flicking over her bundle of nerves as Donna cried out his name for the first time in over a decade. He took it as encouragement and sped up, slipping two fingers in at the same time, arching them to hit the spot he still remembered would make her come screaming. _

_And she did. _

_There was no time for romance or sweet nothings whispered in between kisses. They would have plenty of time for that, quite possibly the rest of their lives. Right now, he needed to be inside her fast, because there was no way he was going to last. Therefore, he didn't let her ride out her climax, but instead replaced his fingers with his throbbing arousal. Still half-clothed, Harvey lifted her legs and pushed against the back of her knees, driving in and out of her at a frantic pace until she undulated beneath him and he felt her walls contract around him. _

_Donna took him down with her in a mind-blowing orgasm that left him dizzy and momentarily blinded. _

_Harvey collapsed on top of her before Donna's fingers gently massaging his scalp brought him back into the room and into her arms. _

_"Hi," she said when their eyes finally met._

_"Hey," he replied sheepishly. "Am I crushing you?" he worried, starting to push himself off of her, however reluctantly. _

_"Don't you dare move," she demanded with a hint of anxiety in her tone, unknowingly reassuring Harvey deep within his being._

_He hovered over her, taking in the beauty of her features and wondering why in the hell it had taken him so _goddamn_ long. But after thirteen years, he was here, in her arms, finally ready to be the man she needed him to be. _

* * *

Donna returned from the kitchen with two wine glasses in her hands, the bottle having been left half empty on the dinner table. She found Harvey standing between the Christmas tree and the fireplace, seemingly lost in thought.

Taking him in from top to bottom, Donna asserted that Harvey looked nothing short of ravishing in his black V-neck and the way the fire was bathing him in an orange glow, casting all kinds of shadows on his handsome face.

Harvey stared into the flames, hoping they might burn the image he had of Rachel pushing another human being out of her... Yeah. He definitely wasn't going there. If only Mike's offspring had waited another couple of hours, he'd be making love to Donna by now. More likely, fucking her brains out, but he tried fooling himself into thinking he was going to be a gentleman about it. And now she was walking towards him in that stunner of a dress, looking like the goddess of fire, the way her copper locks blended with the auburn light of the flames, making his cock squirm with delight.

As the song that had been playing faded out, the crackling of the wood replaced the only sound in the room.

"Here," she said handing him a glass and taking a sip of her own, joining him next to the hearth, quietly enjoying the silence with him, letting the blaze burn some of the uneasiness in her thoughts. There were still so many things she wanted to say, things he didn't know, their brief time together having been too short and intense to delve deep into it all. Maybe that was also part of why she wanted to wait with sex in the first place; wanting to make sure they had a rock-solid foundation first, because there was no way she would survive losing him again.

When the first notes of the next song filled the air, Harvey wordlessly took the glass from her fingers and placed both drinks on the table. Slipping a hand around her waist, he pulled her to him. "Dance with me," he instructed cordially, hearing the familiar trumpet sounds of Miles Davis satiate the room.

Donna slipped her palm in his, following his mellow movements with grace as they slowly danced cheek to cheek. "This is nice," she breathed. Leaning into him, Donna smiled against his mouth, kissing him tenderly, rejoicing in his warm embrace. Fingering the hairs at the nape of his neck, she watched how the softness in his eyes spread to his entire face, his lips curling up into a gentle smile he seemed to reserve only for her.

"It is," he agreed, letting go of her hand so he could wrap both arms around her. Leisurely swaying to the rhythm. Harvey took in how their bodies always melted into each other whenever they held each other close; the way her breasts pressed against his chest; how her hips moved against his pelvis; how well his palms fit around her waist; how perfectly close her lips were to his.

"I never really thanked you for the pie," he said, continuing their lazy dance.

"I'm glad you liked it."

"It meant more to me than you know. It's been tough… And you made it seem like she was with us tonight. And I –"

She cut him off by pressing her lips to his, unable to listen to his compliment because the words rattled her in such a way, she needed a distraction. Her gaze dropped when their lips parted. "We all have people we miss during the holidays," she said mournfully.

Harvey watched her face falter, wondering where the melancholy was coming from. "Hey. What's going on? You miss your dad?"

Meeting his eyes, she wondered if they were ready for this subject, it having been such an elemental part in their downfall. They hadn't celebrated many Christmases as a couple and the last one had been the worst she'd ever had. "I really do. I mean, it gets easier every year, but it still hurts."

He hated that he knew exactly what she was talking about. "Why didn't you say something? You know you can talk to me."

Shrugging her shoulders, Donna searched for the right explanation. "It's not just my dad. I miss my mom, too. I haven't told you this yet, but the last few times I visited, she…" She took a moment, suddenly a bit overwhelmed by rising emotions, trying to fight forming tears. "My mom has Alzheimer's. She was officially diagnosed last year, but it has progressed rather quickly. It doesn't look good, and when I last saw her… she didn't recognize me." Donna's voice broke, the memory still too painful and vivid in her mind. "She is well taken care off, but I feel like I should be the one to take care of her. Instead I'm living my life out here." She paused with a heavy heart. "I feel like I'm failing her," she choked out. By now tears had fallen from her cheeks and had landed somewhere between them.

"Hey," he shushed her gently, trying to ease the torment he had witnessed creeping into her. "You are taking care of her by giving her the best care she can get. She wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for her."

"I know." Yet the guilt ate away at her.

Harvey watched how sadness took over, cursing internally that the woman he loved more than life itself seemed unable to catch a break. "What do you say we add Connecticut to the list when we go back east?

"I'd like that, Harvey," she admitted with a quiver in her voice, feeling the softness of his thumb brush away the tears.

"Good, it's settled then. But tell me this, how come you haven't mentioned this before?"

"I don't know. You were, _are_, so heartbroken over losing your own mom, I wasn't sure how you would take me abandoning mine." As the words left her mouth, Donna felt his grip tighten on her waist, but their proximity had quickly become suffocating, and she stepped out of his embrace.

"Donna, you know I would never judge you for that. And you're not abandoning her."

"Aren't I?" She took a seat on the sofa, sighing heavily as she finally unloaded some of this heavy burden she had been carrying. Donna had surprised herself with this revelation. All the time she had spent out here had been to focus on herself, on finding her footing again, on forgetting her old life, trying to start over, away from Harvey. But now that Harvey was here, within reach, she could finally allow herself to examine different parts of her life, and psyche, that had somehow gotten snowed under by all the hurt and pain that walking away from the love of her life had induced.

Approaching her with a little less confidence as he would like, a little stumped by this new piece of information, Harvey took a seat next to her. "Where is this coming from?"

Burying her face in her hands, Donna sighed deeply. "I don't know. Maybe I'm wondering if I made a mistake in ever leaving New York in the first place."

He couldn't argue with her there. Nevertheless, seeing her so torn still tugged at his heart. "Come here." He pulled her into his shoulder, leaving a kiss on her temple, not really surprised to find no resistance.

"I'm good at abandoning people, aren't I," she stated.

"Donna, stop. You did what you felt was right at the time. And I may not agree with that decision, but I'm certainly not going to encourage you in your self-pity now." Big, wide eyes met his, though the silence emanating from her unnerved Harvey to the point where he tried hard to think of a way to ease her mind. "I thought I had dibs on being a basket case this Christmas," he joked. "We really are screwed." That last statement got her to laugh and he felt a sense of victory as she settled next to him, a quiet once more descending upon them.

In the comfort of his arms, Donna didn't mind the quiet. Sometimes it was just nice to be sad and not be alone. But she did feel a tinge of guilt, having made him half a promise of wanting to sleep with him even though right now it was the last thing on her mind.

As the light of the fireplace slowly dwindled down, they both sat lost in thought. Her head rested peacefully on his shoulder as their breathing slowly synchronized, their bodies rising and falling in unison.

Harvey was the one to speak first. "Hey, I know you're tired. I'm going to make sure the fire is out. You can go up if you want, get ready for bed. I'll be up soon."

With searching eyes, she tried to read him. Was he pushing her away or was he giving her a pass? Or was it both? It didn't matter much. She was just relieved there were no more expectations to meet and if his ego was bruised, she'd make up for it. Eventually.

Planting a kiss on his lips, she left him on the couch. Turning around before leaving the room, she took a mental photograph. Her man as he sat hunched forward, elbows on his knees, black sweater stretched to its limits covering his godlike body; the Christmas tree and the lights on it; the snow falling outside. The picture was perfect.

Then why didn't it feel that way?

As Harvey sat in the now deserted living room, he let his mind wander. Donna's tears had been a surprise, discouraging him enough to forget all hopes for sex. There sure were plenty of emotions still buried deep in both of them. After spending nearly twenty years together, two of which apart, there were bound to be some hurdles now. Nevertheless, he put all his trust in the fact that Donna loved him. And that fact alone had to be enough. He would learn from his past mistakes and be there for her when she needed him. And right now, she needed him. Harvey made quick work of the fireplace and turned off all the lights and the music before he headed upstairs, hoping Donna was still awake.

.

A few minutes later, Donna climbed into bed, the heavy covers welcome on her tired body. When Harvey finally entered the bedroom, what seemed like an eternity later, Donna informed him that Mike had gotten them to the hospital safely.

Glad to hear of their friend's safety, he quickly brushed his teeth and forgoing his t-shirt slipped under the covers, clothed in nothing more than his boxer briefs, the temperature in the room and her body next to his enough to keep him warm.

The minute he laid down beside her, Donna turned off the light on her side and covered half of his body with her own, resting her head on his chest, needing to feel his touch. His skin was still as warm and tender as she remembered. He still smelled the same, too.

Harvey pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Harvey. I'm sorry if I –"

"Don't apologize," he cut her off. "Just promise me you'll talk to me, Donna. I'm in this. And I don't want us to fall back into old patterns." Like the one where she shut him out, telling him she was fine when she wasn't. She was an actress after all. And a damned good one at that.

Donna knew exactly what he meant, she knew she needed to allow him in, especially when she was not okay. It was a promise to herself as much as it was to him. "I promise, Harvey."

"Hey, thanks for inviting me to come here," he said softly. "This has been a wonderful Christmas."

"Thanks for coming with me."

"You remember that one Christmas where Jessica had hired this Santa Claus and the guy showed up drunk?"

"Oh, my God! I do! Louis thought it was part of the act."

"You were wearing a red velvet dress with a white scarf or something."

"Boa. But continue," she smirked.

"You looked like the most beautiful female Santa Claus I had ever seen. I guess I had had a few too many, but we somehow ended up dancing."

"I know, you've never skipped an opportunity to ask me to dance."

"And you have yet to turn me down," he countered proudly.

"I never will," she assured him.

"I almost told you I loved you that night," he confessed.

Surprised at his admission, she looked up at him. "Wait, what?"

"We were dancing, and I remember smelling your perfume and wanting to bury my face in your hair. Having you so close was driving me insane. I just longed to be with you. But I didn't want to mess up what we had, so I decided not to tell you. Well, I ended up telling you a couple of months later and then you left me for Louis. So, maybe I was right in keeping my mouth shut."

The memory of that moment was still vivid in his mind, even though it all seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Tell me now."

Before he spoke, Harvey switched their positions until he was hovering over her, staring into her eager eyes. He traced a finger over her cheek. "I love you."

"Again."

"I love you, Donna Paulsen." He stroked her features as if to indicate what he meant, when he said, "You are so beautiful. I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you. I'll never know what I did to deserve you."

"Harvey." Her tone was stern and unwavering. "Shut up." Because she still felt far more emotional than she liked and him being so goddamn perfect was not making it easier. He probably thought she meant it as a joke, but Donna knew she was on the verge of tears if he didn't stop talking, so instead she pulled him down to her, letting their mouths find each other in a kiss that quickly grew more heated. Feeling his weight pinning her down, it was hard to imagine not wanting him, but conflicting emotions were raging inside, making her wish she was less broken.

As his erection grew steadily, Harvey cautiously ground his hips into her, letting her know what her kiss was doing to him, even though he knew it was up to her to take it to the next level.

Donna tried hard to get in the mood, wanting to grant him his wish this Christmas, but it was too much. The memories were too vivid; all they had been through the get to this moment, the pain they had both suffered and were suffering to this day. She pulled back as a tear fell on her pillow. Unable to meet his eyes, she just kept them closed.

"Hey." He traced a finger along her jaw, tucking her hair behind her ear. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry," she sniffled.

"It's okay," he cooed, trying to soothe her, waiting for her to open up about what was bothering her.

"I've missed you _so_ much," she muttered. "For two years, I told myself I was okay, that I was over you. That I didn't need you in my life. I convinced myself I had moved on. But–" She was losing the fight against the lump in her throat that constricted her breathing and impaired her speech. The sob escaping instead made her a little embarrassed.

Harvey continued stroking her hair and placing tiny kisses on her forehead. "It's okay. I get it. I've missed you, too. God, you have no idea how much." He tried to meet her eyes, but she pulled him down to her mouth and he let her.

"I'm so sorry. Here you thought you were finally getting some and instead I'm a blubbering mess." She looked up with tear-filled, apologetic eyes.

"I don't care. I just care about you. I'm not going anywhere. You know that."

"I do," she said with a shaky voice. She really did. Finding his lips through the tears, she kissed him, like her life depended on it. And in some ways, it did. Because it was clear as day, she needed him like she needed oxygen.

* * *

_Donna had been itchy as hell all day, feeling Harvey's words, which he had fired at her this morning, crawl beneath her skin. _"You should have seen this coming. You're Donna, right? Goddamn mind-reader. How did you miss this?" _She knew it wasn't her fault that Harvey had lost a case because the client had lied to him, but it was easier for him to blame her than to look in the goddamn mirror. And besides, they didn't even work together anymore. He had merely broken privilege because he had been unsure himself, relying on her input as he had done in the past. And now he was deflecting._

_It was their first fight since she had started working at Burton & Howe and the daily divide didn't help one bit. Before, she could just barge into his office and demand they work it out. But not anymore, not when her office was twelve blocks from his. She had tried calling him, but he had been ignoring her calls. And texts. She never should have left home this morning like this._

_As the hours passed, the irritation grew._

_It was 4PM now and Donna looked in the mirror thinking she should have probably chosen a different color dress. Because she felt like a bull and the red she was seeing was driving her crazy. Her phone buzzed and she picked it up to read the incoming message._

'FYI, I'm home early.'

_No apology, no nothing, just a warning that when she left the office at six, like regular people with regular jobs did, she would find him at home, something she wasn't accustomed to, his hours still being much longer as he tried to build a new business with Alex. But the notion sparked an idea. A need, really. A desire to set him straight once and for all. _

_Telling her boss there was a family emergency, she excused herself from her duties and made her way across town._

_Her heavy footfall echoed around their condo, the click of her heels like bullets in an iron bucket. "Bedroom. Now," she all but yelled as she walked by his desk, not even affording him a glance._

_"What the –" Harvey was momentarily stunned as a tornado of red emanating rays of fury passed by him and disappeared around the corner._

_The late afternoon light spilled through the curtains, casting the room in a lovely orange glow. Donna barely noticed it as she paced up and down the foot of the bed, hands on her waist, ready for battle. She listened for any indication Harvey was following her orders. _

_Her heart jumped at the sound of his laptop closing. _

_Watching him take the step separating his bedroom from the rest of the place, Donna let him take two more steps towards her, before she threw herself at him. Lips and teeth crashed in a frenzied kiss as she immediately started to undo the buttons of his shirt, glad he had already gotten rid of his tie. Kicking of her shoes, she made quick work of his belt, button and zipper and had his pants around his ankles in seconds._

_Harvey let her take the reins, knowing her well enough to know it was her way of unleashing her anger. And he loved her for it, welcoming the release. He unzipped her dress and let her push him onto the bed. _

_Covered in nothing but black lace, Donna got rid of the last items of clothing still present on his being before stripping down herself. Stradling him unceremoniously, she kissed him while stroking his hardening length a little forcefully, glad his body was with the program. She felt Harvey's hand exploring her folds, finding her wet and ready. An involuntary moan escaped her lips as he slipped a finger inside, but she was the one in charge, so she swatted his wrist away like an unwanted intruder, positioned his arousal at her entrance and sank down. _

_Donna set __a torturously slow __pace, letting him fill her up before slipping him almost all the way out and back in again. Over and over, just the way she liked it and until the man below her was becoming impatient._

_She didn't care. He owed her one and she was collecting._

_When she finally collapsed on top of him shortly after, the intensity of his orgasm surprising them both, she felt his eyes searching for hers. 'Donna, I'm sorry,' she heard him say, to which she finally met his gaze. "Good. I hate it when we fight," she confessed._

_Harvey seemed to consider that comment. "I don't know. This was pretty goddamn hot. I don't mind pissing you off more often if this is how you make me repay you," he stated, putting a strand of hair behind her ear as he watched a smile creep at the corners of her mouth. "But I really am sorry. I shouldn't have said those things."_

_"Just don't do it again."_

_"I won't. I promise." Rolling them over so he was on top, he sealed it with a soft kiss on her red lips. "I love you."_

_"I love you, too. Harvey?"_

_"What is it?"_

_"Please make love to me."_

* * *

Some two hours later, Donna was still awake. Harvey had fallen asleep a while ago, but somehow sleep hadn't found her. There was too much going on in her over-active brain. Christmas. Her parents. Rachel. Harvey. The past. The present. The future. It was like she was in her own version of A Christmas Carol, which was ironic enough in itself.

Breaking down had helped clear her mind a bit. The foundation she felt was essential for their new relationship had become a lot more solid as Harvey had comforted her, not judging her for what was going on with her mom, allowing her as much time as she needed. He was perfect. And he was hers.

Harvey had moved away from her and had turned over on his stomach, the covers pooling around his midsection. Many mornings, she had found him like this and knowing that some things never changed was quietly reassuring. Her eyes had already adjusted to the dark and it was easy for her to make out his sleeping form. She could even make out the moles on his back. Reaching out with her fingertip, Donna traced a circle around each one, barely touching his skin even though it felt like she was hit by lighting every time her skin touched his.

Her ministrations must have reached him on a subconscious level, for Harvey turned over on his side, facing her, both fists tucked under his pillow.

Unmoving, Donna waited for his breathing to even out again, her face only inches away from his. His big upper body was exposed, and her mind wandered back to this morning, when she had first seen him naked after he had kissed her awake. She had been so incredibly turned on by him. All day long, she had wanted to be with him. And even though she had taken a little detour, she felt like she was back on track.

Her eyes traveled over his torso and the way the covers hugged the incline of his hips. The black waistband of his boxer briefs peeked out from under the white cloth and images of all the times she had removed that particular part of Harvey's wardrobe flooded her mind as a surge of heat exploded in her center.

It was time to check if he was still on board as well, because she was definitely ready.

With the back of her palm, she dared grazing the front of his underwear, feeling the familiar bulge, just like she remembered it. She did it again. And again, until the bulge started to stiffen.

She stroked him softly, running her fingertips over the fabric of his underwear and feeling him harden further under her touch. She tried not to wake him up fully, hoping that at some point her actions would sneak into his dreams. Donna studied his face, swirling a finger over the tip of his ever-growing arousal, seeing a small smile creep at the corners of his mouth. He was waking up, but still lost somewhere between fantasy and reality. On a moan, he thrust his hips forward, which she took as a sign of approval to continue her caress. Her heartbeat accelerated and she could almost hear it pound inside her chest in the silence that cloaked them.

Harvey could see her auburn locks splayed on the pillow as sunlight streamed in through the curtains of his New York apartment. She was writhing beneath him and he felt like he was floating, but the image was quickly fading as his mind awoke and he was no longer in the air. It had been a dream, yet he was awake and still bewildered by his state of being. Donna was touching him, arousing him, clear with her intentions. Afraid to open his eyes and realize this was all an illusion, he kept them closed and let his body reacquaint itself with her skillful hands, being reminded of exactly how much he had missed it. And her.

"What are you doing?" he hummed, moving his body closer to her for better access and sharing her pillow.

"I couldn't sleep," she whispered against his lips, feeling his breath hitch as she cupped him, increasing the pressure she was supplying.

Another moan rose from deep inside his large body. The sensation she was providing in his muddled, semi-conscious state was making him slightly delirious. Harvey rolled on top of her, trying to read her in the dark. "Are you sure?"

"I am," she said, wrapping her arms around him, her own need now undeniable, feeling his weight press her into the mattress.

Harvey reached over and found the light switch. There was no way he would continue this without being able to properly look at her. Turning the bedside lamp on, he let his eyes adjust to the illumination now casting them both in a soft light. Settling beside her, he let his hand travel across the satin of her nightgown, moving a leg in between hers, pinning her in place.

"Hi," he smiled broadly.

"Hey," she said, tracing his jawline, waiting for him to kiss her.

Harvey wanted to remember every second of this moment, ready to take his time making love to the only woman he ever truly loved. It would be their _third_ first time. And the third time was always the charm.

Exploring her body, his palm traveled from her stomach to her breast and this time he didn't stop just below it. Instead he moved it over the delicate swell, until her nipple was hard between his thumb and forefinger, pinching it a little harder while watching her eyes grow heavy with desire. He captured her lips with his mouth, finding her tongue, exploring her mouth with a newfound interest.

Relinquishing to his kiss, Donna's hand went back to his now rock-hard length, palming him inside his briefs this time, needing to feel his skin beneath her touch.

Harvey hissed briefly at the contact, forcing him to break their kiss, before returning to her lips with more persuasion, his arousal growing at a dangerously fast speed. He wasn't going to last very long, if she kept this up. So, he pulled the covers back, exposing their entwined bodies as the temperature in the room increased dramatically. Letting his hand travel south, Harvey tugged at the silk of her gown, pushing it up tentatively.

The moment the coolness of the air hit her already over-sensitized body, a shiver ran down from her head to her toes. It was a release of emotions and anxiety that had turned into excitement, the inevitable moment finally here.

Harvey felt her shudder and hesitated. "Are you cold?"

"No, I'm fine," she said, because she would be, feeling the warmth radiating from his near naked body seeping into her own. And the closer he got to her desperately aching core, the anticipation of him touching her where she needed him the most, the more out of the control she felt, having no room in her mind to even register any other sensation than his skin on hers. Searching fingers brushed from her stomach to her leg, which she moved aside in response.

Touching the inside of her thigh, Harvey took his time moving towards the one spot he could tell she was dying for him to go. Kissing her more heatedly, he traced a finger between her legs, prodding her covered entrance and feeling moisture through the fabric. Moving his mouth to her ear, he swirled his tongue around, knowing how it always drove her crazy. "God, you're so wet already," he exhaled, moving his fingers over her clit but being obstructed by her panties. "Take them off," he demanded, to which she complied eagerly.

His hot breath was like a burning flame in her ear. The pace Harvey was setting was driving Donna slowly insane, even though she appreciated the fact he seemed to want to savor this moment as much as she did. Finding his erection once more, she started stroking him again, the feel of soft skin covering the solid arousal like a long lost memory from another lifetime.

Not wanting to change their positions just yet, Harvey trapped her leg once more the moment the offending garment preventing him access to her center was gone. Slipping his hand between her legs, he slipped a finger between her folds. Tracing it back from her entrance upwards, he reached her clit and felt her breathing hitch. Gently, he started rubbing over the little nub, until her back arched off the mattress. When she returned, he eased a finger in and slowly pulled it out before pushing it in again, the leisure in his pace enough to drive them both wild.

Donna kissed him frantically, feeling her body tingle with pleasure at his touch, enslaved by his caress. Swirling her fingers over his cock, she increased the speed, even though trying to focus was proving to be impossible.

Harvey added a second finger and thrust into her a little harder, eliciting a moan from deep within her throat. He loved getting her off. To know he was the source of pleasure for her was all he ever wanted in this world. "I want you to come for me," he said hoarsely.

"No. I want you with me," she managed in between moans. She bucked under his touch, helpless to his assault, losing a little more control with each passing breath.

"I will be, later, but you have to stop touching me or I won't last." He waited for her response, but none came. "Donna."

She has no choice but to surrender, feeling her climax approach like a freight train without brakes. She let go of him, giving herself over to his fingers. "Please, Harvey. A little faster."

Following her orders, Harvey sped up, watching her face contort in pleasure as her nails dug into his arm, clinging for dear life. Calling out his name, Donna exploded around his fingers shortly after as Harvey watched on in amazement how her face relaxed into a smile. His name had never sounded sweeter. "You're so hot," he sighed, kissing her soothingly as she rode out the waves.

Coming down from her orgasm, her heart beating a mile a minute, Donna met his soft gaze, the pride and love in his eyes so clear, even a blind person could see it. Cupping his face, she thanked him by kissing him, taking her time to explore his mouth, his lips, his tongue. Pushing at his shoulder, Harvey willingly rolled onto his back as Donna settled on his big thighs, kissing him from her new position.

Crawling down his body, the first thing Donna made sure of was that there were no more barriers between them. His boxer briefs landed on the floor first, before she resumed her position on his thighs. She watched him watch her take her gown in both hands and pull it over her head, dropping it next to his underwear on the floor.

With eyes as dark as night, Harvey watched her bare herself, exposing her perfect body in the dim light of the room as long waves of auburn fell over her shoulders, landing just above her nipples. Her incandescence was blinding, like an angel had descended from heaven, bringing with her life's eternal light.

From her vantage point, Donna took in all the muscle currently trapped between her legs, feeling a new heat build at the idea he would soon be inside her. Tossing her hair to one side, she dipped down again, this time kissing his neck and gently sucking on the skin before moving further down and kissing each inch of flesh along the way, tracing the ridges of his toned body until she settled on her knees between his legs. Meeting his eyes, she took him in her palm and licked him from base to tip, slowly and deliberately, alternating between licking and sucking.

Two could play this game.

Harvey wished he could keep his eyes open, seeing her red waves bop up and down as her lips enveloped his cock was sexier than anything he had ever experienced. However, Donna was doing something that made his eyes roll to the back of his head and he had to grip the sheets in order to contain his primordial hunger. Her name left his lips on a moan as she swallowed him whole and he was propelled off the mattress, almost screaming, "Donna, stop!" Noticing he had startled her, he quickly took her face in his hands and kissed her feverishly.

Feeling his desire to change positions, now it was Donna's turn to stop him. "Easy, Specter. Lay back," she instructed with a smirk.

Harvey grinned, obliging willingly.

Positioning herself, Donna took his hard length between her fingers and looked at him and his breathtaking body, taking a mental picture she hoped to never forget. Then in one smooth motion, she joined their bodies.

Moving her hips and sliding down a little further until she was encasing all of him, Donna couldn't help but whimper in the process because he was hitting all the right spots just by being inside of her. Leaning backwards, she started moving, opening her body to his exploratory hands, feeling them massage her breasts before one settled between them and started rubbing her still sensitive clit.

Harvey traced her beautiful freckled skin, drowning in the sound of her sighs. Being inside her again was nothing like he expected it was going to be, because nothing could have prepared him for what he was feeling right now. The tightness of her warm core; the way her body moved in sync with his; it was like no time had passed at all and yet everything was different.

A new wave of love hit him as she met his lustful eyes. With a renewed passion to mark her as his, he started to take over the rhythm she had set, only a little faster, a little harder, thrusting his hips up and into her, causing her to fall forward.

Donna braced herself by putting both palms on his chest as he started pounding inside of her. Her hair fell over her shoulder, bouncing to the amazing onslaught her body was enduring as she felt another climax building. "Fuck, Harvey. Faster."

Knowing he wouldn't be able to go much longer, Harvey finally flipped them over. Pushing some stray hairs from her face, he kissed her fiercely, feeling her wrap her long, beautiful legs around his waist. "I'm so close," he breathed against her lips. Hooking an arm under one knee, he made sure to hit exactly the right spot until he could tell by her desperate cries, she was close, too. That's when he let go, allowing the build-up in his lower abdomen to be released with a few final strokes.

Hearing his breathing become labored, Donna slipped a hand between them and gave herself the last push needed to topple over the edge once more. Her walls crashed around him in waves she had long ago deemed lost forever. Feeling his body cease all motion above her, Harvey came, a loud 'fuck' filling the room as he crashed on top of her, his large frame reeling from the sensation, feeling little after-shocks travel through his muscles, now covered in a thin layer of sweat.

Waiting until her panting had subsided, Donna finally spoke. "That was –"

"Amazing," Harvey interjected, retracting from her body and pushing himself up enough to meet her slightly water eyes. "You're amazing." He kissed her again, this time with less urgency and more devotion, feeling himself come undone in her arms, especially when he tried to pull back and she wouldn't let him.

As tears welled in her eyes, Donna wanted to hide them, having shed more than her share in the last twenty-four hours, or so she thought. But she knew it would be an impossible feat. So, instead, she tried to keep Harvey's face occupied for however long she could. This time, her tears were tears of joy, being mildly overwhelmed by the love she felt for the man whose kiss was currently making her toes curl. When his gaze finally did meet hers, it was like looking in a mirror. His eyes were glazed over, too, the gravity of their physical reunion simply too heavy to ignore.

* * *

_It was Sunday night and the week from hell was finally over. Jim had passed away three months earlier and Donna's mom had announced she had found a new place to live a few weeks ago. This weekend her mom and her sister had moved in. Donna had offered to pay for movers, but the sisters had insisted they do it all themselves but would definitely need her help, which had meant packing up box after box of memories. The entire process had reopened the wound of her dad's passing which had only barely started to heal._

_Harvey had stayed in New York, preparing for the biggest trial Specter Williams had faced so far. She had missed him, needing him to be by her side in a way she hadn't experienced before. But he wasn't there and when she had tried calling him that afternoon, his phone had gone straight to voicemail twice, like he was beyond her reach, bringing back memories of when Jim had been sick and she had felt terribly alone, because the one person she needed to be there for her wasn't._

_On top of that, Donna's co-worker, Steve, had tried to make a pass at her, something she had not seen coming with all the other distractions she was dealing with. The worst part was, she hadn't told Harvey yet. But it had been on her mind ever since that Tuesday afternoon, when Steve, without looking where he was going, had crashed into her, spilling his coffee all over her dress. As their bodies had collided and they had been frozen in the moment, he had taken the opportunity to kiss her. And because everything happened so fast, Donna hadn't immediately pulled back, momentarily startled by his forwardness. Afterwards, he had confessed he'd had a crush on her from the moment she began working there, some year and a half prior. As time passed, the whole ordeal seemed less relevant, and she had tried to just let it go, even though it still lingered in the back of her mind._

_Donna had finally gotten home to New York a few hours ago, finding Harvey buried deep in his work, and she hadn't wanted to distract him with whatever was going on with her, knowing how important the trial was. So, she had answered everything had been fine when he had asked about her weekend. The tears came when she had gotten in the shower, allowing herself to cry as soon as the spray of water hit her tired body._

_And now she was about to put her book away and turn in for the night when Harvey walked out of the bathroom and crawled into bed beside her. When he moved until he was flush against her back, he whispered, "I missed you." Running his hands down her front, he cupped her breast as he nuzzled her neck._

_"I missed you, too, Harvey, but I'm not in the mood."_

_"Come on, Donna. It's been ages." Actually, it had only been twelve days. Not that he was counting. Or maybe he was. Was this the longest they had ever gone without sex, not counting the two weeks she spent in Paris? _

_"I'm tired, Harvey," she said in one last attempt to get some sleep. But she felt him starting to kiss her neck, his growing hard-on pressing into her back. If he wasn't giving up, he was more desperate than she thought and she felt bad for not meeting his needs, even though her needs weren't exactly being met right now, either. But she was too exhausted, mentally and physically, to fight any of it. _

_"Please?" he whispered in one final plea, his fingers slipping between her legs. _

_Her mind may not have been in the mood, but her body betrayed her, her core readying herself for his impending intrusion, no matter how much she told herself she didn't want it._

_Sighing heavily, she conceded, "Fine." Donna rolled on her back and let him take control. For a minute, as Harvey had tried to get her in the mood, she thought that against all odds, she might reach climax too, but Harvey's breathing became strained all too soon, announcing his approaching orgasm and with it her unrequited release, So, she faked one. _

_When he rolled off her, he left a lingering goodnight kiss on her lips. Then he turned and faced away from her, leaving a cold and empty space between them. _

_Donna tried hard to keep the tears away and failed, feeling hollow inside from a disconnect to the man she was supposed to spend the rest of her live with._

* * *

"I'm glad Rachel went into labor," Harvey finally said, breaking the silence that had befallen them, as they had both needed a minute to gather themselves. Which turned out was a lot easier when you were in the arms of the one you loved.

Lying back into a stack of pillows, Harvey brushed Donna's hair with his fingertips. She had draped herself over his body and was tracing the outlines of the muscles on his stomach in and endless pattern, letting her head rest on his chest.

"Isn't it kind of weird to be having sex in their house?" Donna asked, knowing Rachel would probably just be proud. Her friend had even given them permission, which pretty much came with her blessing. But still, it felt like trespassing.

"No, it's not," he said with a conviction in his tone.

"And why is that?" she asked, looking up to meet his eyes, curious to hear his reasoning.

"Because I realized whenever I'm with you, I'm home," he stated matter-of-factly as a small smile tugged at his lips.

Donna just stared at him, dumbfounded, feeling her heart grow three sizes just by the way he looked at her, silently adding a promise to his words he would always be her home, too. In the ensuing quiet, she couldn't help but think about everything that had happened in the past few days. Never in a million years had she thought she'd be where she was right now. Clearly, fate had had other plans. Who knew where she would be another five, ten or twenty years from now. She didn't care. As long as Harvey was by her side.

"Do you mean it?" she asked, watching how Harvey had started playing with the gold band around her finger.

"Donna, of course I do."

"We've said it before."

"I know."

"And we didn't make it."

"We're here now, aren't we? We just took the long way home. Doesn't mean the vow is less valid."

The vow. Their vow. To be together forever. The inscription on her ring exactly the words Harvey had used when had proposed to her all those years ago. _I promise you forever._

There was no arguing with his logic. "It's not."

"We're not the same people. We're not even in the same place. Our lives have slowed down. We will get it right this time. The forever-part. I truly believe that."

"God, I had forgotten how good you can be at the whole comfort thing."

"I'll tell you something else."

"What?"

"You've worn those diamonds before."

She looked at him, the plurality of 'diamonds' throwing her off, but then it clicked. "My old engagement ring."

"When I packed up my condo to come here, I found the ring. I didn't know I still had it. I don't know why but I guess I thought you had taken it or thrown it away or something. And I didn't know what to do with it. Selling it felt wrong, so I had the diamond recut."

At a loss for words, she just stared at him. Placing a hand over his heart, she cooed, "You are such a romantic."

"That's what you get for loving me." He said sincerely, entwining his fingers with hers. "Tell me again."

Donna smiled, moving her lips closer to his. "I love you."

"One more time," he whispered as he moved on top of her once more, ready for round two.

"I love you, Harvey Specter."

* * *

_A/N: I know many of you were waiting for this, so I do hope I met those expectations… I wouldn't be me if I didn't throw in some angst, too, but I hope you liked it. Let me know in the comments. _


	18. Stork

_A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, but life has been hectic. Chapter 18! And here I thought I would be done at 10… This continues a flashback from chapter 12._

**_Warning:_**_ M-rated content._

* * *

**18\. Stork **

In the early morning, as daylight started to pierce the darkness, Donna woke from her light slumber, never having fallen asleep long enough for it to qualify as rest. She crossed her legs and was immediately reminded of their middle-of-the-night rendezvous, the ache between her legs and the overall physical exhaustion a beautiful reminder of how she and Harvey had once again become one; the merging of their bodies signifying a new chapter in both their lives.

Harvey's body was molded around hers in such a way it was hard to tell where one began and the other one ended. She felt him inhale deeply as he buried his face in her hair. "Good morning, beautiful," he said, his voice low and raspy, pulling her to him even more in a possessive embrace.

Delighting in the body entwined with his, Harvey couldn't believe his luck. For so long, he had gotten used to waking up by himself, being reminded of his lonely ass on a daily basis, wishing she was next to him. And she never was. It would take some getting used to again before he trusted this new normal.

Donna turned in his arms, retaining their closeness, her face buried in his neck, definitely not ready to leave the bed. And him. "You still smell the same," she murmured on an exhale as her forehead brushed against his sandpapery chin, loving the roughness of his stubble. He'd probably shave later, she thought, secretly wishing he wouldn't.

The smell of her shampoo filled his nose and Harvey hummed in response, pulling back to meet her eyes. "You do, too." After placing a languid kiss on her lips which he quickly deepened, he added, "Taste the same, too."

"Yeah? How would you know?" she teased. "Last night was just the appetizer." As the words left her lips, she could feel him harden against her as he rolled on top of her naked body, the dark intensity of his stare only adding to her already burning desire.

"You want me to taste you?" he asked, grinding his arousal into her pelvis. Donna undulated under him, an answer if he ever needed one. But he still wanted her to say it. Needed her to.

When Harvey remained immobile, Donna finally said. "Yes." Adding a 'please' for good measure.

He didn't need to be told twice. Slowly sliding down her body, he first stopped at her breasts, giving them each more than enough attention, kissing and licking her rosy nipples he watched harden under his touch. Looking up to meet her eyes, he checked to make sure she was watching him worship every inch of her. Her pale skin was like a light in the darkness; soft, perfect and familiar. Kissing his way down past her belly button, he positioned himself between her welcoming legs, placing featherlight kisses along the inside of her thighs until he was near her center, looking at her glistening folds. But he didn't move. He waited.

Trying with all her might to keep her eyes open, she finally gave in and closed them, the sensation of Harvey being all over her body too overwhelming first thing in the morning. Donna was bracing for the feel of his tongue on her, having missed the thrill more than anything. But when nothing happened, she slowly opened her eyes and looked down at the man situated between her legs and was met with his cloudy gaze and wide grin. The moment their eyes locked, his tongue brushed over her bundle of nerves and she threw her head back involuntarily as he licked, sucked and nibbled. "Fuck, Harvey! Yes!"

Her nails clawed at his scalp, wanting to make sure he stayed right where he was as he took her higher and higher. He was so goddamn good at this, especially when he slipped two fingers inside and arched them to hit just the right spot, over and over again while his other hand massaged her breast. His body became a pleasure machine, every part of him working in perfect sync to bring her to ecstasy. She came a few moments later, her body tingling from head to toe as she exploded under him.

Wiping his mouth, Harvey slowly crawled up her trembling figure, kissing her gleaming skin along the way, enjoying the warmth coming off her as he eventually blanketed her body with his own. Covering her mouth with his lips, he gave her a small taste of herself, her essence still lingering on his tongue. "Still the same and the best main course I've had," he smiled, writhing against her hip, his own erection screaming attention. "God, Donna. I'm so hard," he murmured in her ear, hoping she would alleviate the pressure for him.

"Really? How hard?" she taunted as she trailed her fingers up his arm and down his back, still coming down from the peak he had induced.

Hovering over her, their faces barely touching as their breaths mingled, Harvey took her hand and slowly guided it to his pulsing erection. Cupping himself with her palm, he was unable to contain the groan escaping his lips the moment he felt her hand cover his thickening arousal.

"You want me to do something about it?" she asked, running her digits over the burning flesh of his hard length.

He took her bottom lip between his teeth. "Please," he begged.

She let him kiss her as she started stroking him, ultimately pushing him on his back for more room to conduct the task at hand.

Purring in her ear, he dragged her upper body over his, losing his hands in her hair as her breasts rested on his chest and she ran a toe up the inside of his leg. He was in heaven. Because Donna still knew exactly what he liked best; what he needed. She ran a hand up and down his shaft, squeezing the tip just enough before twisting her way down and gradually picking up the speed until a guttural moan left his lip on an exhale. He got dizzy from the sensation. Feeling his climax build, he crushed his lips with hers between breaths. "Shit, I'm close," he moaned, gripping the sheets, bracing himself for paradise.

Donna watched how he spilled all over his beautiful stomach, feeling his body jerk with every last stroke. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, this giant of a man nothing but putty in her hands.

Harvey sank into the mattress, his entire body humming from sheer delight and numbing exhaustion. He couldn't remember the last time he had spent a night like this, making love several times. In all fairness, he hadn't _made love_ to anyone since she'd left. All he'd done was fuck. And even then, it had never been all night long. Not anymore. He had even been convinced he no longer could. And yet, here he was. Donna always brought out the best in him.

"You are so fucking hot," he breathed, kissing her tirelessly, trying not to soil the bed or her. "Were you always this hot?" he asked with a hint of incredulity in his voice.

"No. It's all that California air," she mused, her eyes traveling over his stunning physique, taking her sweet time ogling him. When her eyes finally wandered back north and met his gaze once more, she measured him and the mischievous look he was giving her. "You're waiting for me to say something about you, aren't you?"

"Well, it's only polite. Plus. I'm really hot, too."

Unable to contain her laughter, she finally mustered, "You're an idiot."

"True..."

Smiling through another kiss, she relented, admitting, "Very hot idiot. The hottest one I know." A thought struck her then. "Hey, shouldn't you be boxing or going for a run or something? You've worked out every day since you came to Santa Monica."

"I should. I miss it but I don't wanna go out in the snow. I'll hit the gym as soon as we get back. Right now, I'm gonna get cleaned up." With a peck on her lips he got off and disappeared into the bathroom. He may have been fitter than ever before, even Harvey felt the onslaught of their night in every muscle of his body as he left their bed. This sure was gonna be one hell of a day.

Donna grabbed some tissues from the nightstand and taking her phone, sunk back into the pillows to check her messages. There was only one from Mary, asking how everything was going. In a slurry of texts, Donna gave her the Cliffs Notes version, catching herself when a big grin creeped on her face and butterflies started to flutter typing up the events of the last couple of days. She could imagine Mary's face at the update, and the thought crossed her mind to invite her over for dinner once they were back in Santa Monica. The idea of her good friend and her man getting to know each other warmed her heart.

Since there was no news from Mike, she texted him, checking how things were going. When she heard the shower turn on, she put her phone aside. A few moments later, Donna tied her hair together and stepped under the warm spray of water, joining Harvey. Not interested in how clean he got, she threw her arms around him and kissed him some more.

They sure had some time to make up for and the desire to do so only seemed to increase the more time they spent together. Being naked with him had always felt like the most natural thing in the world and she would never get enough of mornings like these.

Harvey pulled back first. "Donna, as much as I would like, I don't think I have another one in me right now," he confessed a little embarrassed.

"That's not why I'm here, Harvey," she quickly uttered, in an attempt to appease him. "I just missed you."

"In the two minutes we've been apart?"

"Make that two years."

He kissed her back a bit more fiercely. "I missed you, too," he reciprocated sincerely, looking deep into her adoring eyes. "How did I get so lucky?" he whispered more to himself than anything else.

"Well, they do say you get what you deserve," she replied with a smile. Donna traced her finger over his pecks, down the ridges of muscle on his stomach to the thin hairs above his crotch, reveling in his divine body as water cascaded over his skin.

Maybe _she_ was the lucky one.

.

With still no word from Mike, except that everything was going okay, Harvey and Donna decided to stay in and wait. Having settled on some sappy rerun of an old Christmas movie, they had gotten comfortable on the couch and had been unmoving for the last hour or so. But it was nearing lunchtime and Harvey had offered to prepare them both some sandwiches made from leftovers.

On his way back into the living room, plates in hand, Donna voice echoed through the house.

"Harvey! She's here! Rachel gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Edith Roberta Ross, but they're calling her Bobbi." She held out the phone for him to see the photo Mike had attached of a wrinkly bundle of limbs with a full head of black hair.

Harvey read the message carefully, putting their food down. "Wasn't Edith Mike's grandmother's name?" he asked, taking a seat.

"It was. How great that they get to honor her this way?"

"And they named her after you, too?" If so, Donna had been much closer to the Rosses than he had initially imagined. He wasn't jealous, but for a moment, that unmerciful feeling of being the outsider reared its ugly head with a major stab in the gut. So much for being over that, he thought.

Oblivious to the disquiet crawling about him, Donna didn't waver in her excitement. "I don't know. It might just be because of her dad. Billy and Bobbi. That sounds so adorable! I can't wait to get to the hospital. Shall we take Rachel's car?" Donna was over the moon. Another tiny Ross to cuddle with was the best thing to happen this year, besides Harvey barging into her life. It brought with it a desire to get over there right away. However, the silence emanating from the man next to her and the distorted smile he sported indicated there was something on his mind he wasn't sharing. Weighing the situation, she had a good inclination what it might be. So, she waited a moment to see if he would speak of his own accord, but when he didn't, Donna gently inquired, "You ever wish that was you?"

Taken a little aback by her question, Harvey was shocked out of his trance. Seeing that picture and the joy Donna seemed to experience certainly did _something_ to him, but he wasn't sure what. As he mulled over his answer, Donna went on.

"I mean, it was clearly too late for me, but you could have…" Donna let the unspoken words hang between them. Finishing that sentence had been easy in her mind, but when she tried to vocalize the thought, her tongue got tangled and her throat closed up. The mere thought of Harvey having a baby with anyone else made her wanna jump out of her skin, a tidbit she would keep to herself.

"Donna." He grabbed her hand before continuing, seeing the corners of her mouths drop ever so slightly, barely noticeable, maybe even invisible to anyone who didn't know her as well as he did. "If I was ever going to have a family, it would have been with you. And besides, it's not like any of my other relationships ever worked out to come to that point."

"That's doesn't answer my question and your relationships not working out is not on me." Donna averted her eyes, feeling a rush of nervousness creep up her spine.

"But isn't it true for you, too?" He gave her a moment, knowing he was right about this. None of her relationships had worked out and it had been because of him. He also knew he should feel bad about that, but he selfishly didn't. "You know we were always meant to end up together, children or not."

"That's still not an answer."

He tried to read her, finding nothing but worry where happiness had just been, now mixed with disappointment because he was clearly evading the question. "Honestly, I don't know the answer, Donna. But does it matter? It won't change anything about our current situation, nor will it change the future. I'm happy where I am just being with you. And I am sure Mike and Rachel will let us watch the kids whenever we want, should we feel the urge to be around children. And besides, Billy definitely needs someone to teach him more about cars and it ain't gonna be Mike."

Watching her face relax a little, he saw a small smile appear through the tightness that had woven itself through her features. "Come on, let's finish our sandwiches and we can go meet Bobbi," he said, hoping to persuade her to let the topic go. However, Donna didn't move, apparently lost in her own thoughts and it unsettled him, making him wonder what else might be troubling her. Lifting her chin to force her gaze on him, he didn't hesitate to press his lips firmly to hers. Needing her to not doubt him or them, he would try to persuade her the best way he knew how.

The force with which Harvey attacked her mouth, made her recoil, weren't it for his arms holding her in place. She felt suspended in the air, letting him kiss away her insecurities. After all these years, guilt about not being able to provide him with offspring still resided in the depths of her soul. It was the one thing she felt she'd failed at, as a partner and a woman. And yet, the vehemence with which Harvey's tongue currently dueled with hers coerced her into thinking how babies were _made_ rather than parenthood itself as she leaned into him.

They eventually parted and let oxygen fill both their lungs. Harvey pressed his mouth to hers one last time, staring Donna down. "No regrets," he stated, licking his lips, while untangling his hand trapped in her hair.

Looking up into his insisting eyes, Donna decided it was time to let it go. Let it all go. What was in the past should remain exactly there. Still, she felt the sudden urgency to clear the air about some other parts of their history, some things that had been on her mind for a while, things she never found the right moment to bring up_. _"Harvey, can you tell me why you hid the panic attacks before?"

Taken by surprise at her unexpected demand, Harvey focused on the television, needing a moment to gather his thoughts. Turning the TV off, he leaned his elbows on his knees and stared into the unlit fireplace, his thoughts wondering back to a time he would rather forget altogether. "I guess I just didn't have it in me to tell you. I was… embarrassed, because you had left the firm and I didn't know how to handle that. The new firm was failing, and I didn't want to burden you when you had enough to worry about with your dad."

"I'm sorry, Harvey." With his body turned away from her, Donna moved a little closer. "But I get it. There is something I never told you, too."

His head shot around to her, unsure he wanted to hear what she had to say, but no way to stop her without sounding indifferent, or worse, scared. He felt trapped and his body tensed up. "What is it?"

"Do you remember Steve Carrigan, Daniel's assistant at Burton & Howe?"

"Yeah, sure. Wasn't he the guy that had a crush on you from day one?"

"That's him. He kissed me once." Her confession was met with an ominous silence, so she explained further. "I don't know why I never told you. I guess I didn't want to upset you over nothing."

"When?"

"Harvey. It doesn't matter."

"When, Donna," he asked sternly. Their relationship had had many hurdles and he needed to know where Steve fit in, if at all.

"After my dad had died. After Paris."

Paris. _Goddamned_ Paris. Well, at least by then their relationship had already been in shambles. He wondered if that made it better or worse? "Did something else happen? Is that why you left me?"

For a second, the thought of losing Donna to another seemed less bad than her walking out on her own. People fell out of love all the time, he figured. And he could have blamed Steve for forcing a decision on her, like it wasn't all her idea.

"Harvey! No!" Her voice was louder than she had intended, but a sudden wave of exasperation hit her like a ton of bricks being reminded of how irrational and nonsensical Harvey could be at times. "It was just a kiss. He caught me off guard, that's all."

And she'd left him on her own volition. "Jesus Christ, Donna. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because we had so much going on. I wasn't sure how you would react." And judging by his reaction now, years later, she'd probably made the right call.

Harvey knew all too well what being kissed out of the blue could do to a person. But although he had also been in a relationship when Donna had done it to him, he had had feelings for her, which complicated everything. "Why tell me now?"

"Because I have been thinking about us and where we went wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes again."

"I don't either, Donna, but it wasn't just one thing that came between us. It was a culmination of different things. I always hated that you left to go work at Burton & Howe. Things with Alex were rough at best. And the night I was going to propose, you got the call about your dad. We just never seemed to catch a break." His tone changed at the end to a more solemn register. He had played the game of What If more times than he could count, always coming up with a reality different than the one he was in, tearing him apart inside.

"You were going to propose that night? How did I not know this?"

"Because I can be really good at throwing you off track if I have to." He was a goddamn gold medalist at it, knowing her blind spots like no other.

"Promise me one thing, Harvey." She waited for him to meet her eyes. "No more secrets." Donna knew she would need to hold up her end of the bargain, despite her already promising him she would talk to him more. But old habits die hard and after a year with Jeremy, where she pretty much lied to everyone around here the entire time they were together, it would be a new challenge. But the initial strength she needed was found in the way he looked at her; his beautiful brown eyes shining brightly with hope for a future together.

Inching his face towards her, she met him halfway in a sealing kiss. "I promise."

* * *

_They arrived at the restaurant after a short drive across town. Del Posto had been their favorite restaurant for over a decade and Harvey thought it would fit the occasion, now that they were working at different firms and their annual dinner to celebrate the day she came to his desk no longer felt legitimate. _

_This had been her first week at her new job and even though he missed her more than he was willing to admit, he had vowed to himself to be as supportive as he could possibly be. But the distance scared him, and he'd decided now was as good a time as any to tie her to him once and for all. _

_"So, Steve is into you," Harvey grinned, putting his menu down. He had noticed how the man had looked at his girlfriend when he had picked her up earlier. He felt sorry for the guy, knowing all too well what loving Donna Paulsen from a distance could do to a person._

_"No, he's not," Donna lied, fully aware that while it was her first week in the office, Steve had been giving her all the signs. "He's just very sweet."_

_"He's into you."_

_"Are you jealous?" Cocking an eyebrow, she sat forward in her seat. It felt nice to know there wouldn't be platitudes like _'I'm happy for you'_ coming from him this time._

_"No, I'm not." Okay, so now, he was lying._

_Donna just smirked at him, conscious of the fact that deep down he certainly was, and she wanted him to be. "It's okay. I'm glad that you are." Reaching across the table, she slipped her hand in his. "Because we might have a bigger problem if you weren't. Too bad for Steve, I'm already taken and very much in love."_

_The smile she gave him, made everyone else in the place disappear. "Good," he smiled in return. He had planned on proposing later tonight, when they were alone in the honeymoon suite of the Plaza hotel, which he had booked for the weekend. But looking at her now, professing her love for him, the moment had arrived earlier than he'd anticipated. She was it. Always had been. Always would be. The love he felt for her convinced him he wasn't just asking her to marry him because he was afraid of losing her, even if the fear would always prowl around the edges of his soul._

_Squeezing the velvet box in his pocket, Harvey felt his heart start to pound in his chest, and a soft ringing was triggered in his ears as the impact of what he was about to do draped over him. And although he was pretty sure she'd say 'yes', it still felt like he was throwing himself off a ledge without a safety net._

_Leaning forward, he ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "Donna, I –"_

_Donna's phone started ringing and Harvey silently cursed, immediately losing his resolve having the moment interrupted. When she checked to see who it was, he let himself fall back into his seat and took a sip of his drink to calm his nerves._

_"It's my mom. I have to take this. She took my dad for some tests today."_

_The explanation offered little comfort. "That's okay. Answer it," he uttered, watching her get up and leave to find a quieter spot to talk. Inhaling deeply, he let the tension slowly ease out of him. Having come _this_ close to proposing, he'd now have to find the right moment again. But the night wasn't over and no matter what, they would be engaged come morning, he told himself. That was until Donna approached their table a few minutes later, pale as a sheet, fighting hard to keep the tears in her eyes from falling. Her hands were shaking, and Harvey jolted upwards, wrapping her in his arms on instinct._

_Donna buried her face in his neck, letting the hurt wash over her from the news her father had a mass in his brain. Inoperable. Possibly manageable. Certainly terminal._

_Feeling her body go limb against him, he knew he needed to take her home. _

_Goddammit._

* * *

Sometime late in the afternoon, Harvey and Donna stepped into the lobby of Northwest Hospital and Medical Center. After their lunch, they had decided to hang around the house for a little while longer, the desire to talk and spend some extended time alone suddenly more pressing than a hospital visit.

"I hate hospitals," Harvey muttered under his breath the moment they made it through the revolving door and that all too familiar smell of disinfectant entered his nostrils. It brought with it a slew of recent memories he wished he could just lock away forever.

Lily had been hospitalized for two weeks before she passed away and Harvey had kept a bedside vigil for at least half that time. If it had been up to him, he would have avoided the heinous place for a little while longer. Make that a long while. Maybe even forever.

Donna gave his arm a squeeze, took off her gloves and laced her fingers with his as they stepped in the elevator. "Sometimes good things happen at hospitals," she coaxed, hoping it would alleviate the memory for him.

Drowning in her jubilant eyes, Harvey felt himself relax instantly. He wondered if she had any idea how much power she yielded over him, just by being near him. "That they do," he admitted, feeling himself fall in love with her all over again. Yeah, they certainly did.

A few minutes later, Donna had to let go of Harvey's hand as she stepped up and walked into room which was labeled Rachel Ross to find Mike next to the bed, watching his wife finish up nursing their newborn. Giving Mike the biggest smile, she whispered, "Congratulations", before moving to the opposite side of the bed.

"Rachel! Sweetie! You did it!" Donna screamed quietly, trying to contain her excitement, not wishing to startle the little baby cradled in her friend's arms, but she couldn't help herself. Pride, love, joy, it was all encompassing and it needed an outlet.

Harvey hugged Mike, adding how proud he was of the man.

"You wanna hold her?" Rachel offered, knowing Donna was dying to.

Donna reached down and carefully brought little Bobbi to her chest, rocking her gently and breathing in that wonderful new baby smell. She couldn't help but look up at Harvey who had joined her side, completely entranced by Little Miss Ross himself.

The spell was broken when Robert, Laura and William walked in. However, Harvey was unable to tear his eyes away, tracing a finger over the baby's chubby cheek.

As Donna held Bobbi, talking soothingly to the little girl asleep in her arms, Harvey was afraid his chest might not be able to contain his heart, it grew so much at the sight. As the noise in the room increased, his eyes found hers and he thought he saw a flicker of guilt, a hint of a memory, or rather a regret, of them missing out. Without hesitation, he planted a tender kiss on her temple, whispering so only she would hear, "Hey. No regrets."

The words sent a shiver down her spine, reinforcing what she already felt deep within. In that moment, Donna let go of the guilt once and for all.

Little Billy was happy to be at the hospital again after his visit earlier in the day. He hugged his mom, ignored his dad and went straight to Donna and his new sister. As he stood between the two grown-ups, he felt tiny and in need of some extra altitude, so he tugged on Harvey's jacket to get his attention. Meeting his eyes, Billy didn't say anything, still a little nervous about the tall, dark stranger, but he soon found he didn't need words, because Harvey lifted him in the air and before he knew it, he had eyes on the baby.

Harvey let Billy sit on his arm as his other arm snaked around Donna's waist, to bring both kids a little closer. "She's beautiful," Harvey said to no one in particular, never once tearing his eyes away from Bobbi. And Donna. Mostly Donna. "My god, look at that hair."

William reached over to his sister, touching the black locks sticking out in all directions. "She has the same hair like me and Mommy," he said proudly.

From the bed, Rachel watched the scene unfold and instructed her husband to take a picture.

"So, how do you like being a big brother?" Harvey asked Billy but was met with silence as the little man shrugged his shoulders. "You know I'm a big brother, too." That seemed to get his attention as William studied Harvey for a moment. "Yeah, I have a younger brother, his name is Marcus. I was about your age when he was born."

Billy wasn't sure what to reply, having no real clue what being a big brother entailed. "Maybe she'll like cars and we can play together," he asserted to the best of his knowledge.

Unable to contain his laughter, Harvey ruffled the young Ross' hair. "You'll be a great big brother. Just remember to be gentle. Girls don't always like to play the way boys do."

"You giving my grandson advice now?" Robert's voice rumbled somewhere close by, having moved around the side to greet his friends.

"Congratulations, Robert." Harvey lowered Billy to the floor and extended his hand.

Donna mouthed a 'congratulations' to the former Managing Partner and moved away from the conversation, feeling the baby getting restless from all the noise. Mike was talking to Laura near the door, so she walked to the other side of the bed where no one stood and handed Bobbi back to her friend.

"You did it, didn't you?" Rachel stated in a whisper, no doubt in her mind her guestroom had seen some action last night. What she had witnessed between her friends yesterday was nothing compared to the air of lust and love surrounding them now.

Wishing her cheeks wouldn't give her away, Donna just smiled and gave her friend a knowing look before glancing at her lover who was deep in conversation with his old partner.

"Donna Paulsen, you are glowing!" Rachel exclaimed in a hushed voice. "How good was it? I want details later."

"It was really great. God, I love him so much, Rachel, it's terrifying," Donna confessed. Her voice was low enough for only Rachel to hear, but somehow Harvey's eyes shot to hers, as if he had heard every single word.

"Oh sweetie, I am so happy for you," Rachel sniveled, clasping Donna's hand, overwhelmed by all the joy she was experiencing as her newborn daughter settled against her chest.

Donna cried those happy tears with her, feeling a similar joy engulf her.

Life hadn't been _this_ good in a long time.

* * *

_A/N: For those of you who are wondering, I have a few more chapters outlined, but the ending is in sight… As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, because without them, this would be a really boring ride. :)_


	19. Shift

_A/N: Sorry this took so long to update, but the end is growing near and I am procrastinating, because I don't want it to end. But then again, I'm writing two other fics and have a bunch of ideas for other stories, so you're not rid of me yet. A big thank you to all who are still reading this. This has been such a thrilling ride for the past six months._

* * *

**19\. Shift**

The shower turned off in the bathroom as Donna got comfortable under the covers, exhaustion getting the better of her. The day had been amazing in so many ways, but the previous night had been too short and the hours of sleep she had missed were catching up with her.

After their hospital visit, the group had gone to Robert and Laura's house for dinner, but they had called an early night when Mike had all but fallen asleep at the table.

Scrolling through the photos on her phone, she stopped at the one Mike had sent her earlier. She was holding Bobbi and Harvey was standing next to her, carrying Billy in his arms. All eyes were on the baby, except for Harvey's who watched her with the kindest, most tender expression she had ever seen, his lustrous love for her on display for the world to see. Donna's stomach fluttered at the realization she was falling in love with Harvey all over again.

A large grin spread on her lips, eager for him to join her as she put her phone away.

The screen lit up a moment later and Donna grabbed the thing from the nightstand, kicking herself for not turning it off before, something she would do right now. She couldn't prevent herself from skimming the incoming message and saw a picture of a snowman made of sand, wearing a Santa hat, on a beach with the text '_Mele Kalikimaka, a Hauʻoli Makahiki Hou.'_

Alarm bells started ringing around her mind as she checked the caller ID. She recognized the area code for Hawaii and even though she had blocked his old number, Jeremy must have gotten a new one now that he had moved to Maui. Why the hell was he texting her now? There was no reason for him to be contacting her at all and it troubled her. He was supposed to be out of her life for good, not sending generic messages with a holiday greeting. Agitation made way for resentment as Donna felt the responsibility thrown in her face of informing Harvey and the inevitable ensuing argument. Or she could not tell a soul, delete the message and block this number, too. And break her promise to Harvey to be completely honest with him. _Goddamn Jeremy_.

She quickly texted back. _Don't contact me again. _But before she could block his number, she received an instant reply.

_I miss you._

Harvey emerged from the bathroom, chattering about something Robert had said at dinner. The words didn't register as Donna fumbled with the device, putting it face first on the nightstand, trying to look as if everything was okay, neither ready nor willing to get into it tonight. Or ever.

His sudden presence in the room had startled her and he seemed to have noticed, because he was expecting an answer and she wasn't responding.

"Donna."

"Yeah?" she replied, a little dazed.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Sorry," she apologized, waving a hand in the air. "What were you saying?"

With nothing but his boxer briefs on, he climbed into bed beside her, a little wary of her momentary absence, but he shook it off. "I want to talk to you about something," he started, resting against the headboard, hands in his lap.

Harvey now held her full attention, clinging to any distraction from the text she had just received. "Sure. What is it?" Donna watched him swallow. He was clearly nervous about sharing whatever was on his mind, so she sat up a little straighter, unsure where this was going as a new wave of unease crashed into her.

"Mike offered me a job."

"He did? Where?" Please don't let it be in Seattle, she thought. She wanted him on the west coast more than anything, but in California, not Washington.

"In LA. It's a sister firm of the one he works at, and they are looking for a General Manager. Apparently, they fired all management and are restructuring the entire firm. Mike told me they take a lot of class action cases against some really big fish. I looked into some of their recent ones and it sounds pretty solid." The more he spoke, the more excited he got, but Donna had to be on board as well. "What do you think? I know you said you wanted to stay in Santa Monica. This might be a great opportunity."

Letting his words sink in, Donna slowly saw a future forming she had not dared to consider a few weeks ago. Harvey would be with her in California. They could start a new life together and live out their days on the beach or on her deck, staring up at the stars until the early hours of the morning. They'd visit Seattle together and watch the Ross babies grow up. She would probably see more of the Rosses than she did now. Her heart swelled at the thought.

"I think that sounds like a great idea," she uttered, tears of joy blurring her vision.

"Yeah?"

She merely nodded, biting her lip.

Slipping a hand in hers, he covered them with his other palm. He was beaming, happy she liked the idea of him staying as he looked at her expectantly. "How would you feel about coming with me? I'm sure there is a position for you there and if not, we'll create one. I'd love to work with you again." Harvey measured her changing expression, but he pushed through. There was nothing he wanted more than to have her by his side again, and not just at home. "We always did make a great team."

Feeling like she had just been slapped in the face, Donna stared at Harvey. _Work together again_. "Are you serious?" There was an accusatory tone in her words she wished she had dialed down, but she was far too flabbergasted to mind.

"What? I just thought –"

"Harvey. I never want to work in an office again." Office work equaled New York City and everything she had tried so hard to get away from. It was in her painful past and the last thing she wanted to introduce into her new life here, now.

All he could do was stare. Was she really saying what he thought she was saying? All this time, he had been convinced Donna's situation was only temporary, a means to an end; to be away from him. How could he have been so wrong? This wasn't the Donna he knew; the Donna who loved corporate life and the benefits it came with. "Why?"

"Because there's more to life than shuffling paperwork around." She really had retired, hadn't she? The mere idea of fourteen-hour workdays repulsed her, even if she got to spend some of it _with_ Harvey.

Harvey recoiled, a look of disbelief mixed with irritation crossing his face. "If I remember correctly, you used to love shuffling paperwork. Don't make it sound like it's beneath you now." The condescension in her tone rubbed him the wrong way. Was that all or was there some other reason why she wouldn't work with him again?

"I don't mean it like that. I'm just done, Harvey." The drama she had endured while working at Pearson Hardman Specter Litt, or whatever it was called at the time, was enough to last her a lifetime.

"So, you don't want to work with me? That's it?"

"Harvey," she said softly, moving to sit on her knees and be closer to him. "We don't have to work together to be together."

Easy for her to say. The last time they were in a relationship and stopped working together, they broke up. How was he supposed to trust that everything would work out this time? "Don't we? The only time we were happy together was when you were my COO. Things turned south the moment you left."

Mulling over his statement, she knew where his anxiety was emanating from. It wasn't a lie that they had been happiest at the old firm. But that was another lifetime. They had a new lease on life now, together as a couple. "There was a lot more at play then and you know it."

"Like you kissing your assistant?" He shifted away from her, more than a little disappointment at the turn this conversation had taken.

"Daniel's assistant and he kissed me. But that's not the point." If Harvey wanted to be with her here, he would have to make some changes of his own. "Are you saying you don't trust that I love you? Because if you ever want this to work between us, you're gonna have to have a little more faith in me than this." Donna slid back against the headrest; her heart bruised from this exchange.

Feeling a growing divide between them, Harvey relented. For now. "Donna, I'm sorry. I do have faith in you. In us," he added. "I just thought it would be fun," he said, downplaying his own dismay. Although it stung to know she didn't want to work with him anymore, he had already lived without her for the last two years. Surely, he would be able to manage coming home to her every night. It sure as hell beat any other scenario that excluded her.

They settled under the covers, murmuring a 'goodnight', still Donna's mind was racing. Any argument with Harvey unsettled her and now she also had a text message to inform him of, which only added to her panic. When sleep eventually found her, there was hardly rest to speak of.

A few hours later, Harvey woke up, feeling Donna thrashing next to him. She was still asleep but seemed to be struggling with some invisible force, mumbling words he couldn't all discern.

"Donna. Donna! Wake up," he said, shaking her a little, but futile in his attempt to wake her. "Donna!" Her eyes finally shot open, meeting his. Immediately, a look of horror crossed her face and she scurried to get away from him.

Unwrapping herself from the sheets, Donna moved to the edge of the bed and let her head rest in her hands, needing a moment to separate the dream from reality. Somewhere in her tangled mind, she felt the mattress move and before long, Harvey was sitting next to her, one arm placed behind her, away from her body as though not to startle her.

"Donna. Talk to me." Had she really just said Jeremy's name?

Harvey's voice was soft and it both soothed her and terrified her. She was going to screw this up. She would once again be the one to break them up. The conviction sent a new jolt of dread through her already tense body and she had to swallow hard, trying to get her brain to focus. Instead, it kept replaying the nightmare. She had been trapped. And held against her will in a darkness so black, she had been too blind to see. No matter how hard she had fought, nothing she did or said brought her closer to where she wanted to be, because someone had confined her. _Jeremy. _

"Hey. Stop rubbing your wrists. You're okay." Harvey gently moved and took one of her hands in his to stop the frantic motions.

Something in his words struck a chord and Donna looked down at her wristd and the redness that covered the exact spot Jeremy had so forcefully restrained her, not once, but twice in the time she had been with him. And even though he was out of the picture now, or at least was supposed to be, he still held her captive in a way, because if she didn't get her shit together, she would once more risk losing the most important person in her life.

Harvey watched a renewed look of anguish weave its way into her features and he figured it was time to break her out of her trance, no matter the consequences. Placing a finger on her chin, he turned her head to face him. Wet strands of hair stuck to her face where sweat had trapped them and he gently pushed them behind her ear, watching her eyes falter. "What happened?" he asked softly.

"I don't want to lose you," Donna murmured, as her vision clouded from the forming tears she tried to blink away.

The statement was pretty out of the blue and definitely out of context and Harvey's brows furrowed, unsure why she felt the need to tell him that now. "You're not going to lose me," he asserted, but he knew his reply fell on deaf ears, and he didn't know what to do, suddenly afraid that maybe she was hiding something. Gently taking the hand he held, he brought it to his mouth and kissed the inside of her wrist.

Donna flinched, her eyes shooting up to where his tender lips were meeting her sore skin. Still, the gentleness in his touch defrosted the icy feeling encapsulating her heart and she finally relented, giving in to his comforting caress and needing more of it. "Will you hold me?" she uttered, the words barely audible even in the dead of night, somehow afraid he might not want to when he found out she'd been keeping something from him.

Harvey released the breath he'd been holding. If she had asked him to stand on his head, he would have done it. This was far easier. "Lie down," he prompted, pulling the covers back.

Following his instructions, Donna curled onto her side and felt two huge arms snake their way onto her body as Harvey wrapped himself around her from behind, pulling her into him as close as she would go and covering them both beneath the sheets. It was their own little cocoon and without saying another word, she drifted off to sleep in his arms.

.

The next morning, Harvey had been watching Donna snooze for a while when he finally felt her stir. They had not moved much since the episode in the middle of the night and she was still curled up in the sanctuary of his body, only now facing him. Her face was no longer tense and when she opened her eyes and met his, a smile crept up the corners of her mouth. The alarm he had experienced before dissipated somewhat, even though he still had a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was off. Bringing his face closer to hers, he reached for her lips and kissed her good morning. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I did." And she had, because the shelter he had provided had been all she had needed to make it through the night. "Did you?"

She looked at him with guilt lining her eyes. "I did," he lied. He hadn't slept a wink, keeping vigil while she slept. Even the smallest movement on her part would jolt him awake. By the time daylight had started spilling into the room, he had been worn-out. "You had a pretty bad dream."

She hadn't forgotten. The moment she had woken up, the dream had replayed itself. The darkness, the forcible restraint, being caught in a trap, it had all come back in flying color, her distressed subconscious telling her exactly what she was afraid of most and showing with crystal clarity what she could do to remove that fear, reinforcing the knowledge that lying was not the way.

Leaning over, she grabbed her phone from the bedside table. "I have to show you something." Pulling up her messages, she turned the display to Harvey. "I swear to you, I blocked his number. He must have gotten a new one, or something." She chanced a look at his face and regretted it immediately, because the hatred she saw rise behind his eyes, was enough to make her cower into herself, the shame from her history more than enough to want to hide away.

"That sonofabitch," Harvey growled. "He's never going to leave you alone." Agitation coursed through his veins. This _fucking _asshole was the reason he had not slept a wink and it made him want to punch something.

"He will," she pleaded, trying to convince herself as much as the man currently moving out of bed. "He just needs time, I guess."

"And let me guess, you're gonna give it to him?" Harvey replied from the edge of the bed, watching how Donna sat up against the headrest, the covers bunched in her fists. She looked small, fragile somehow. And immediately her comment made sense.

Harvey was standing too far away and she missed his arms holding her. "What else can I do? Turn him into the police for stalking? He'll have you arrested before they ever even bring him in for questioning. Is that what you want?"

Staring at her, he knew he didn't have a choice in the matter, due to his own stupid actions. "No. It's not," he said, running a hand through his already disheveled hair.

"Come here," she coaxed, patting the empty side of the bed he had left, relief tingling her insides when she saw a surrendering smile appear and Harvey made his way over, crawling under the covers once more. When he was close enough, she framed his face, staring into his eyes. "I'm blocking his number. Again."

His lips pressed to hers in a demanding kiss, both feeling the desire to reconnect because Jeremy simply wasn't worth fighting over. He was merely a hindrance they'd have to accept.

"Good," he said, sliding her body below his and covering it with his own. In that moment, he made a promise to himself to never let anything come between them again, because it was moments like this that made life worth living and he'd be damned to squander it.

"Are you taking the job?" she asked in a whisper.

Trailing a finger over her cheek, his gaze lingered on her lips. "I think so."

"I think you should, too." Their eyes met and Donna lost herself in the man hovering over her, once again seeing an image of their future flash before her. "What would you say if I asked you to move in with me? I mean, I know it's soon, but I thou–"

Harvey's lips shut her up with a kiss he deepened without hesitation, letting his tongue find hers in an unspoken answer. The text message Donna received became nothing more than a faint echo, losing more and more of its meaning as minutes passed by. Nothing mattered as long as she was by his side and she had just asked him to share his life with her. It was everything he had hoped for when he had left New York with a one-way ticket in his pocket.

When they finally broke apart, they both gasped for air.

"I'll take that as a yes," she laughed, love coursing through her entire body for the man she never wanted to live without again. "Harvey," she timidly pleaded, waiting for his attention. "I want to tell you what happened. With… Jeremy. But not yet, okay? I–"

He brushed his lips over hers again, but there was no urgency this time. "Whenever you're ready."

Just when she thought she couldn't love him any more than she already did, he would surprise her anew. Would she ever be able to express how much she loved him? Would he ever even understand? It didn't matter. She just wanted him by her side. Forever.

"I'm sorry if I kept you up last night," she added, unable to ignore the shadows around his tired eyes.

"You did keep me up," he confirmed, before moving his mouth to her collarbone, leaving wet kisses in its wake, sucking gently whenever his lips touched her surface. Unadulterated happiness was coursing through his entire being and it demanded an outlet.

"How can I make it up to you?" she moaned, arching her back into him as she willingly let him take possession of her body.

* * *

After breakfast, Mike informed them that Rachel would be released from the hospital around noon. The news elated Donna. Their flight back to LA was scheduled for 7PM, leaving ample time for her to cuddle with the baby before they left. But before Rachel got home, there was still plenty to do. So, Donna helped Mike prepare the house as best as possible. Changing the sheets, vacuuming the bedroom and making sure all the baby clothes were washed and ready.

Making the bed with Mike, Donna's thoughts drifted off. Being in this house felt like a second home. She had gotten used to being here, helping out with Billy, reading him bedtime stories, spending a good chunk of the major holidays here. But she always went home by herself, except for that one time Jeremy had joined her. And now Harvey was waiting for her downstairs. And they would go back to Santa Monica tonight and he would not only spend the night at her house, he would be there to stay. With her.

"Donna?"

She looked over at Mike who held his end of the linen in his hands, staring at her.

"You okay? You seemed a little lost there," Mike commented. Donna had been a pillar of strength these past few days and he felt a new appreciation for his friend, but they hadn't had a moment to themselves to really catch up.

"Yeah, Mike. I'm fine. I was just thinking about going home." She took a deep breath. "I've asked Harvey to move in with me."

Hi eyes grew wide. "You did?" He was overjoyed for the couple in general, but he couldn't shake his casual concern, knowing the details of their history, especially Donna's. "Are you sure about this?"

"I am." She gave him a questioning look. "Why, do you think it's too soon?" Okay, so maybe she had asked Harvey to move in with her on a whim. It had seemed like the only logical step. He would start a job in LA soon and she wanted him close. But they had officially been together for a grand total of five days, if you didn't count the twenty years, minus two, proceeding it.

"That's not for me to decide," Mike asserted. "You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

"I don't know. No. Maybe? It's just so weird. Being with him feels so natural, but we've been together for days, Mike. Days!"

"But you've known each other forever. And it's clear you guys are crazy about each other. If it feels right, just go for it."

Donna let the words settle, Mike's voice calming her knotted nerves, because it definitely felt right. She'd felt it when they had run into each other all those weeks ago and she felt it now, ever fiber of her being howling to be with the love of her life.

"Hey. Does that mean he's accepted my proposal?" Mike suddenly asked, putting two and two together.

"I think he might have, but you'll have to talk to him about it."

Mike ran out of the room, letting go of the half-finished pillow he was holding, the casing collapsing like a deflated balloon.

Listening to the voices downstairs, Donna could make out the excitement and she smiled to herself, finishing the job at hand.

This sure had been one hell of a trip.

.

An hour later, Mike had left for the hospital, to bring back the new addition to the family.

Billy was still staying with Robert and Laura nearby and Donna and Harvey had suggested they would pick him up and bring him back using Rachel's car.

Getting ready to leave, they stood in the hallway gearing up for the impending cold when Harvey asked, "You think we can swing by a toy store first?"

Donna looked up, wondering what had gotten into him. "Sure. But aren't you a little old for toys?" she teased.

"Very funny." He scratched the back of his head, which made Donna look up. "I want to get Billy something. I mean, his sister is getting all the attention, I just wanna make sure he doesn't feel forgotten."

"It was Christmas two days ago. They showered him with gifts."

"I know, but still…" he trailed off, feeling a little self-conscious, wishing he hadn't brought it up. It was a stupid idea anyway. Donna was right, he had been spoiled enough.

All Donna could do was smile. "He's lucky to have you as his uncle," she said, watching a glimmer of joy creep into Harvey's eyes as she stood on her toes to kiss him. "I know a place."

.

After a quick trip to Snapdoodle toys and the Zane residence, Harvey and Donna pulled up at Mike and Rachel's place, still having beaten Mike, who had texted they were on their way home.

Unawares to the surprise Harvey had for him, William ran inside and busied himself with the toys still left there from Christmas morning.

"Hey, Billy," Harvey said, walking into the living room with the wrapped present. "I have something for you." He sat down and felt a hand wrap around his back, giving his shoulder a subtle squeeze as Donna took a seat beside him.

Billy looked up with big eyes Harvey recognized as being Rachel's. The young boy scampered over and took the box from his hands, opening it excitedly.

"Wow! It's a car!" Billy exclaimed, inspecting the rather weird looking vehicle.

"It is," Harvey confirmed. "But not just any car. That's a Batmobile. Remember what I told you about Batman?"

"He is the best superhero!" Billy replied dryly, like he would ever forget that fact.

"He is."

"Thanks, Uncle Harvey," the boy said, leaning over and giving Harvey an awkward, but genuine hug.

"You're welcome, William," he smiled, rustling the boy's hair.

Something warm settled deep in Harvey's chest at the gratitude in the child's voice. _Uncle Harvey_. He had gotten used to the term coming from Marcus' kids, but this was different. He could have just been 'Harvey'. Instead, the title confirmed he was officially family. And not by birth. By choice. He had to swallow hard as a sense of drunken delight and belonging threatened to form a lump in his throat.

Donna watched Harvey's reaction, overcome by the pure love on display in front of her.

"I love you," she whispered, running a hand down his arm until her fingers laced with his. She was met by his lips on hers in a chaste kiss.

Donna's lips anchored him, like her presence did and had done for as long as he'd known her, easing the lightheadedness crawling around his brain. "I love you," Harvey echoed.

The front door opened and Mike's voice cut through the house. "We're home!"

Mike walked in carrying Bobbi in a detachable car seat, the tiny baby being fast asleep. Billy jumped up and immediately greeted his little sister, but was warned not to wake her. It was enough for him to go back and play with his brand new toy.

Rachel wobbled behind, wincing in pain every step she took. The birth had been intense, and the doctors had to give her an episiotomy which hurt like hell and would take longer to heal.

Donna rushed to her side and helped her along, supporting her across the hall.

Harvey watched on, not sure what his role was in all this, if he even had one. So, he hung back and waited.

"Billy, you stay here with Uncle Harvey, okay? We'll be right back," Mike instructed as the three of them made their way upstairs to get Rachel settled and comfortable as quickly as possible.

"Okay," Billy said, perfectly content to watch TV with his new favorite uncle.

So, he was useful after all. Harvey glanced at the little boy playing with the car he had gotten him and let exhaustion wash over him. After three consecutive nights of barely getting any sleep, he was about ready to sleep for an entire day. Billy climbed onto the sofa and took control over the remote and Harvey watched him flip through the channels. It was the first time he saw some of Mike in his small silhouette and he smiled to himself, proud of the life his friend had managed to build for himself after everything he had been through.

The noises coming off the screen faded slowly and he let himself drift off, no longer able to fight off the sleep quickly overtaking his body. He only woke from something prodding his side, but once the thing settled, he drifted off once more.

Donna came down the stairs and walked into the living room, ready to inform Harvey of their plans for the rest of the afternoon, when she stumbled onto a sight that stopped her dead in her tracks.

Harvey was stretched out on the sectional, fast asleep. Billy was sleeping right beside him, his little body resting against Harvey's, mouth open, both completely gone from this world.

It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She turned the TV off and made her way to the kitchen. They still had some time before they had to leave and Harvey catching up on some z's was exactly what he needed.

* * *

Rachel sank back into the comfort of her own bed. Her body ached in the worst possible place and she was exhausted from having pushed a human being out of her vagina, feeling like the whole experience had taken much longer than it had. And now her life was changed for good, again.

Donna and Harvey were leaving today as well and she hated that they were, even though she could barely muster enough energy to focus on her kids and husband, let alone entertain company. Standing by her bed, ready to say goodbye, she took the couple in, finding a new sense of happiness that all was right with the world.

"We'll be back soon. I promise." Donna hugged her as tight as she could, holding her a little longer. "I love you," she added, before stepping aside, giving Harvey some room to say his goodbyes.

Harvey hesitated a moment. "You think you can give us a minute," he whispered to Donna a little nervously, but loud enough for Rachel to hear.

"Sure," Donna smiled, before giving her friend a wink and leaving the room.

Rachel observed how he tracked Donna's moves then looked at his shoes before he met her eyes. She chuckled to herself; she'd never thought she'd see the day the mighty Harvey Specter would be nervous to talk to her.

"Thanks for having me, Rachel," he stated. "This has been a great visit."

She watched him hide a chuckle as if he was remembering something private and she had smirked to herself, Her old boss stood before her like a boy in love for the first time, giddy and glowing. "You're welcome, Harvey. You're always welcome here," she offered, studying his face as a grateful smile tugged at his lips. "And thanks for buying Billy a Batmobile. He loved it. You didn't have to do that."

"I know. But he's a great kid."

"He is."

This stripped-down version of Harvey was one she wasn't very familiar with, but she was positively pleased.

She couldn't be happier for Donna to have found her true love again and hoped with all her might they would get it right this time. For no particular reason, the need to warn him was suddenly overwhelming and she spoke with a determination in her voice when she said, "Listen, she might fancy herself Wonder Woman, but I've seen her hit rock bottom and I never want to experience that again."

The words came out a little harsher than she had intended, but she blamed it on the hormones and her flaring motherly instinct to protect her own.

"I know. Trust me, these past two years weren't exactly a walk in the park for me either. But I love her, Rachel."

"Good. Because she needs you more than you know."

Harvey wasn't sure what to make of her statement. Donna had been doing okay for herself, right? Maybe he had overestimated the level of okay she had presented. And wasn't that just like her. "Thanks for being there for her, Rachel."

"Come here and give me a hug, Specter."

Harvey bent down and had to laugh. "You are such a Zane."

Rachel smiled at how far they had both come. "You better believe it."

* * *

After a quick bite before their flight, Mike dropped the couple off at the airport, which was crawling with holiday travelers eager to get back home.

"I guess we'll be seeing more of you." he said to Harvey. "I can't tell you how excited I am to be working with you again."

"Same here, buddy," Harvey reciprocated as the men leaned in for a hug.

Donna watched the friends embrace, before Mike turned his attention to her. "Thanks for coming. And thanks for bringing him," he whispered, unsuccessful in trying to hide the words from Harvey.

"Take care, Mike. And if you need any help with the baby, we're just a phone call away," Donna said, giving her friend's arm a squeeze. "Now, go home to your lovely wife and kids. And sent me photos. I want daily updates!"

Mike smiled, got in his car and drove off.

As Harvey and Donna made their way into the terminal, Harvey couldn't help but reflect on how much his life had changed over the past few days. He was now officially moving to California and he would soon start a new job. He'd be starting a whole new life, away from everything he had ever known. And although the idea excited him, there was still an edge of sadness that came with it.

"I want to tell Marcus in person," he finally said when they were having a drink at one of the bars near their gate. "I'm not sure how he's gonna take me moving twenty-five hundred miles away."

There was worry behind his words that Donna picked up on.

"Harvey, he loves you. He just wants you to be happy."

"I know. But I'm not sure how I'd feel if the roles were reversed. He's the only family I have left," he added mournfully.

"I know he is, but he has Natalie and the kids. He'll be okay."

Mulling over her encouragement, he figured she was right. Still, he couldn't break the news over the phone and a thought popped in his mind. "What do you say we spend New Year's in Boston? I can get my things in order in New York, pack some other stuff to bring. We could even visit your mom, if you want."

The anticipatory smile he sported disarmed her, because his proposal was pretty much everything she didn't want to do. Boston she could manage, having had nothing but fond memories of the Specter clan. But New York? There was a reason she had stayed away all this time. And even visiting her mom was something she wasn't sure she could handle, not after last time. But seeing the twinkle in his eye gave her hope that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe with him by her side, she could face her demons.

She took a deep breath and willed her insecurities away.

"I'd love that."

* * *

_A/N: I make no promises, but I hope the next update won't take this long. Thanks for sticking with this story. Please let me know your thoughts!_


	20. Souls

_A/N: Chapter 20 is here! I never thought this story would be so long! Six months later, it's still something that brings me a lot of joy to write, but it wouldn't be half as rewarding if it wasn't for all the support from you guys. So thanks a million for that._

* * *

**20\. Souls**

On Saturday morning, Harvey slowly opened his eyes, letting his new surroundings seep into his consciousness. Donna's bedroom was dark, even though the curtains were fighting hard to keep the morning light at bay, little pools of illumination decorating the floors beneath the windows.

The flight back home had been smooth and being able to take the thick winter coat off had been a welcome change from the icy Seattle weather. The trip had proven to be exhausting and a tad overwhelming. Therefore, both Harvey and Donna had taken the opportunity of a morning off to rest up.

He felt her stir, enough to wake him up fully, a sense of ridiculous delight settling deep within him.

"Hmm, I must say, I do prefer waking up here instead of out on the deck." He snuggled closer to her and pulled her body against his own, spooning her. He honestly couldn't care less about where he woke up, as long as she woke up next to him. But to wake up surrounded by her scent, not just coming from her, but from her pillow, her bedsheets, the entire room, was something else. It was everything he had longed for and missed for two grueling years.

"At least you know where you can sleep when we have a fight," she mumbled, smiling, curling into herself, not yet ready to face the day.

"We won't fight," he whispered, pressing his fingertips into her hip.

"Please. We always fight. We're good at it." Donna kept her eyes closed. While she was definitely amused by how cheerful Harvey was, waking up in _their_ bed, in _their_ home, she didn't want to get up just yet.

"We're good at making up, too," he said while brushing his lips over her neck, nuzzling her.

Donna could tell by the scratch of his stubble that he was smiling. "That's why we fight in the first place," she deadpanned, leaving him stunned for a moment as she grinned inwardly.

Moving his lips closer to her ear, he was sure he felt her shiver under his touch. "Can we fight right now?"

"Harvey, right now I'm not done sleeping yet. We can fight later." Hugging her pillow a bit tighter, she tried to ignore the feel of his warm body pressed against her. She loved him, but she loved sleep, too.

"Fine. What time are we meeting Mary?"

"One."

"It's nine-thirty now, so I'm gonna head to the gym." His voice changed in pitch as excitement colored the words. He had been itching to go boxing for days but had gladly sacrificed his regular workout schedule to visit with his friends. It had resulted in his muscles begging for a good punishment when even all the sex with Donna hadn't given him the exertion he craved.

He left a scratchy kiss on her bare shoulder and climbed out of bed.

Donna blindly reached behind her, patting the empty space he had left, and mumbled halfway back into slumber, "Don't shave."

Looking at a sea of red manes peeking out from under the covers, Harvey couldn't contain his grin.

To get his gear, he'd have to make a quick stop at the Airbnb he was renting. Never needing much, he hadn't brought many belongings plus most of them were already at Donna's from their trip to Seattle. In no time at all, he would pack up the rest and leave that place for good, because as fate would have it, he had a new home.

.

Donna got up about an hour after Harvey left. Although he had yet to officially move in with her, she found his toiletries all around her bathroom. His clothes were in her hamper and there were once again two toothbrushes by her sink. His powerful presence already permeated her life and there was no turning back. They were in this. _All in_. It both elated and terrified her. Truthfully, the entire experience had, from the moment they had encountered each other, the mix of emotions had become a new type of normal. The roller coaster they were on would definitely continue dazzling them for a while.

Above all, Harvey was here and he was here to stay. Thoroughly thrilled to introduce him to her social life in Santa Monica, Donna had offered they meet Mary for lunch, convinced that Mary and Harvey would hit it off, just like she and Mary had. So far, he'd been on the sidelines, because she'd kept him there. However, it was time he got to know the new people in her orbit.

Harvey had left a note saying he'd meet her at the restaurant. She had a much better idea.

Standing in the doorway of Big John's Gym, Donna glanced around the room crowded with mostly half-dressed men, beating punching bags or lifting weights. The loud, pumping music, the scent of sweat mixed with disinfectant as well as mixtures of heavy grunts and clinging metal filled her sense.

She didn't spot Harvey right away, until her eyes landed on him in the ring, all sweaty and powerful as he furiously attacked his sparring partner, who seemed to be well-matched, taking hit after hit, while delivering a few punches of his own. Punches that made Harvey stumble backwards and cringe in pain. His opponent with the crew cut looked wickedly intimidating and Donna turned her eyes away, flinching. She had never actually seen Harvey fight. Sure, she'd seen him hurt a few times, but that was always after the fact. The sight of him getting struck was like being hit herself, and she couldn't watch no matter how hot he looked when he was dominating.

"You must be Donna," The low voice came from behind her making her turn on her heel to find a big, bald man with a scar above his eye and a large grin on his face extending his hand. "Adrian. I'm a friend of Harvey's."

"And you know who I am?" she asked incredulously.

"Oh, we all know who you are. But trust me, it's all good. I'm happy you guys have worked things out. He was a mess when he first walked in here."

"Really?" It was one thing to know Harvey had spent ample time here, but never once had she considered he'd talk about her.

"When we first met, he went for Tony's throat for making a comment about you."

"Tony is the one in the ring with him?" That guy was young, lean, and radiated strength. At a glance, she would say Harvey was no match for the fighter and still he had antagonized him over her?

"That's him."

Adrian studied the gorgeous redhead staring at the men in the ring and he understood Harvey's infatuation. At first sight, she was a graceful beauty, but with his knowledge gathered from hanging around fighters all day, he could tell she was a warrior herself. Her posture and her eyes revealed she had seen her share of pain and was not to be messed with. He also remembered what Harvey had said about her ex and what the fucker had done to her.

"I was there when he almost killed your ex, too. If we hadn't pulled him off the poor bastard, I don't know what would have happened. Tony and me both had to use force."

As the words hit her, Donna's eyes shot to the imposing man standing next to her, recoiling at the vivid image. If it had taken those two men to get Harvey off Jeremy, he had no idea how _goddamn_ lucky he was to still be alive.

"Tony is the best fighter in this place. But your man is rather good himself. One of these days he might kick Tony's ass."

Donna smiled to herself, feeling proud of _her man_. Letting her gaze wander to Harvey, she took in his fighting stance, his big arms as well as broad shoulders glistening with a layer of sweat while his muscle shirt stuck to his back in his unwavering resolve to take down Tony. Except for the suit he wore in court, it was the same exact look. He fought to win and that had always been a big turn-on for her. And soon she would get to experience him as a lawyer again and the thought thrilled her, like it was the final piece of the puzzle falling into place.

Not long after, Harvey and Tony stepped down from the ring and the moment Harvey's eyes landed on her, the fighter in him disappeared and a soft smile decorated his lips.

Slightly out of breath, they joined Donna and Adrian.

"Hey. I thought we were meeting at the restaurant," Harvey said, planting a sticky kiss on her lips, letting his stubble scratch her chin on purpose.

"I wanted to see this place for myself. And then I met Adrian," she explained, getting lost in his smile and how ravishing he looked in that moment.

"This is Tony." Harvey introduced her. "Tony, meet Donna."

"Nice to finally meet you," Tony said.

"You guys gonna be around for New Year's?" Adrian asked. "We have a small get together here on the first. Barbecue, some music, nothing fancy."

"No, sorry, man. We're going back east to visit my brother," Harvey stated.

"But you are coming back, right?" Tony questioned, and Harvey swore he detected a slight worry in the fighter's voice.

"Yeah, we are," Harvey confirmed. "I got a job in LA."

"Glad you're sticking around. I need the competition," Tony proclaimed with a hint of relief in his eyes.

"That's great!" Adrian exclaimed. "If you need any help with the move, let us know."

"Thanks guys. We will." He turned to Donna. "We should get going. Let me grab a quick shower and we can get out of here.

"Yes. It was nice to meet you, Adrian. And Tony." She turned back to Adrian. "And thanks," she said, giving him a knowing look.

"Anytime, Donna. Don't be a stranger."

"I won't."

.

Thirty minutes later, they walked into a steakhouse on Ocean Avenue, where they found Mary in one of the booths next to the window. It was a crisp, clear day, allowing the view of the ocean to stretch for miles. From inside, one could almost forget winter had officially started.

"You made it," she cheered, the familiar rustling of her bracelets filling the air as she got up to greet the couple. "I want to hear all about Seattle. Sounds like you guys had quite the trip!"

Before they even sat down, Donna and Mary lost themselves in stories of how they had spent Christmas, the ultimate highlight being Bobbi's birth and Mike offering Harvey a job.

Harvey observed the older woman and realized that it wasn't just her perfume that reminded him of his mom, even some of her mannerisms were the same, enough to bring back random memories he let pass through his mind as he happily took a backseat to the conversation.

If only his mom were still here to see him now. She'd be so proud.

"You're awfully quiet over there, Harvey. Everything okay?"

Mary was looking at him with tender eyes that seemed to look straight through him.

A little startled, he stammered, "Yeah. Fine. I just… eh…" He fidgeted with the napkin in his lap, not sure what he had to add to the conversation, glad that Donna was the one to explain what he apparently couldn't.

"You remind him of his mom, who passed away before Thanksgiving." Donna had to agree, there were elements to her friend she remembered about Lily, too. She could only imagine how it made Harvey feel and it made her wonder why she hadn't noticed them before. Or maybe she had, on some subconscious level, and that's what had drawn her to the colorful friend and mentor she couldn't fathom not having in her life, in the first place.

"I do? I'm sorry for your loss, Harvey," she said while mindlessly reaching out to give his arm a squeeze.

"Thanks."

"Do you have a picture of her? I'd love to see for myself."

Harvey scrolled through the photos on his phone and pulled up one of his mom before she got sick. It was a picture of him, Lily, Marcus and Haley in Marcus' kitchen, taken at Haley's birthday back in August.

"That's your mom? She looks familiar," Mary said, studying the photo, trying hard to recall where she would have seen the woman, but coming up empty.

"I don't think you know her. Far as I know, she's only been to California once in her life."

"I believe you, but I never forget a face," Mary said absentmindedly, irked she couldn't remember, so she let it go. "She looks like a wise lady." With a playful wink, she handed Harvey his phone back. "So, tell me about your mom. If you feel like it, of course," she added, noticing the slight drop of his mouth at her suggestion.

Harvey stared at the image himself and let his gaze linger there for a moment.

Under the table, he felt Donna's hand reach for his as he started telling about his history with the person who gave him life. There was something disarming about Donna's friend, the air of sincerity about her that eased him into addressing his sometimes painful past with fortitude. Unlike any other time before, he gathered that sticking to the superficial events would not suffice. So, he delved into _everything_.

With mild surprise, Donna listened to Harvey open himself up in a way he hadn't done before, not even with her. Mary worked her magic on him as the conversation progressed and she noticed how talking about Lily seemed to lift a veil from his fraught existence, as if admitting the truth about his embattled relationship with his mom made the pain of losing her sting a little less. It created room for more happy memories to fill the void and he certainly had accumulated plenty of those over the years.

Now and then, Harvey would give Donna's hand a squeeze, just to know she was still there. And even though there were no tears this time, only honest recollections, he still felt very much weathered by the experience once he finished baring his soul.

"Excuse me. I'm just gonna…" Harvey stuttered, pointing away from the table.

"That's okay, Harvey." As she watched him get up, she caught Donna releasing his hand. It brought a smile to her face knowing she'd been holding on to him this whole time. "So, what did she die of?" Mary asked the moment Harvey was out of earshot. If she had posed the question to Harvey, those tears he had so valiantly kept at bay would have surely flown.

"Cancer. It spread rapidly. They had less than two months after she was diagnosed."

"Poor thing. And his dad?"

"Passed away years ago. Heart attack." Harvey was an orphan now and Donna couldn't shake the feeling that she might be next in line for that title.

"That reminds me. Do you remember Charlotte?"

"Charlotte who?"

"Charlotte Bowen. She used to volunteer at the Bellevue, doing make-up and costumes with me. I think she left around the time you came in."

"Yes, of course. She was in my yoga class. I was looking for a company to join and she suggested the Bellevue. She stopped coming to class shortly after. I haven't seen her since."

"Well, I heard she was diagnosed with breast cancer right before Christmas. So sad. She's only forty-two has two small kids. Doctors say there's a fifty-fifty chance she'll make it."

"That's horrible."

"It sure is."

The news hung between them for a moment, both women lost in their own thoughts and memories of the dreadful disease and life's palette of miseries.

Wondering if Harvey was okay, Donna glanced in the direction of the restrooms. She was immensely proud of him. He sure had come a long way from not even wanting to go to his dad's funeral to telling all about his rugged history with his mom to a relative stranger. It was still fresh and he still mourned her, but he would start healing soon and she'd be there for him every step of the way.

Mary scanned her friend's face and the concern fueled by love that shaped her features. There was a subtle difference in her eyes, telling her that the endearing redhead's life had unquestionably changed for the better. "You two definitely belong together. There's no doubt in my mind."

"Yeah, we do," she said with not much joy in her voice. Donna dropped her gaze to her drink at the reminder. "It's like a part of me was missing this entire time and I didn't even know it. I can't explain it, but I feel whole again."

"I couldn't be happier for you." With a gentle tap on her hand, she tried to get her attention, yet Donna remained withdrawn.

She paused for a moment. "We're going back east for New Year's. Boston, Connecticut. New York."

"That's lovely!" Mary exclaimed, however, her friend didn't seem as excited and she studied her for a moment. "You don't think you're ready?"

"I don't know. There's a reason I haven't gone back to New York in two years. The last time I was there, I was leaving him. There are so many memories, bad ones…" She fingered the rim of her glass. Although, she tried hard not to dwell on the past, it was challenging to reject the memories when two days from now, she'd be walking through them again. Literally.

"Does he know how you feel?"

"I haven't told him yet."

"You gotta let him in, Donna. Trust him with this, because hiding your feelings from him will only make it harder for you. And as far as I can tell, he'll be able to handle it. He really seems like a great guy."

"He is." And he deserved more than what she was giving him right now, which only added to her fears.

"He is what?" Harvey asked, joining the table again.

"I was just saying what a catch you are," Mary cheered, looking over at Donna who had a smile plastered on her face again like the past two minutes had not happened. She was too great an actress for her own good sometimes.

As soon as she could, Donna's hand drifted to his knee as she studied his face. Not wanting to be overbearing and ask how he was doing in front of Mary, she just looked at him until their eyes met. With an almost imperceptible nod, his lips curved upwards and the tension eased out of her, knowing he was alright.

* * *

On Sunday night, Harvey and Donna were lying in bed. They had barely unpacked from their trip to Seattle but once again their suitcases were packed. This time for an entire week.

Tomorrow morning, they would fly to Boston, spend two nights there, drive to Connecticut and spend one night there, before driving to New York City and spending three whole nights there. They would fly back home out of JFK next Sunday.

Harvey was planning on giving his notice and with him being on sabbatical leave, he figured he wouldn't have to hand over his cases, since they were already being taken care of by his partners. However, McCarthy could be fickle sometimes, therefore he felt the need to spend at least a few days there to wrap things up. If nothing else, he at least owed his clients a call informing them of his departure from the firm.

Donna's head rested on his chest, playing with his fingers in silence. Harvey had assumed they would stay at his place while in New York, the place she had once called home and ever since he had mentioned it, there had been a tightness in her chest, a sense of impending doom following her everywhere she went.

Oblivious to her warring emotions, Harvey had not contained his excitement about the trip, especially the New York City part. His failure to anticipate her apprehension regarding the idea only made it harder to bring up.

_Trust him with this._

Mary's words echoed ferociously in her mind. Although she knew that her friend was right, knowing something and doing something were two completely different things.

"Hey, maybe we can even swing by Del Posto. For old times' sake." Harvey had been unstoppable at mentioning places to visit, but the more he spoke, the more she withdrew. Until hearing him mention a place that held such importance in their history, compelled her to speak up.

"You know, I haven't been back since I came out here."

The wariness in her tone alarmed Harvey, easily picking up on the unease seeping through the words. He couldn't see her eyes, but he desperately needed to.

"Are you saying that the last time you were in New York-"

"Was when I left you." She sat up, choked up on her past and fighting the urge to cry. Folding her hands in her lap, she hung her head. "I mean, I'm looking forward to Boston. I'm just not looking forward to the rest."

"Why didn't you say something?" Harvey sat up with her and brushed her hair behind her ear, hoping to catch a glimpse of her face.

"I don't know. I guess I was embarrassed and you were so excited. I didn't want to put a damper on it."

His heart dropped, thinking how she had been struggling while he had been oblivious to her turmoil. How had he missed this? "We don't have to go to Hartford, if you don't want to."

"I don't want to, but I _have_ to. It's my mom, Harvey. Lord knows how long she'll be with us. I'll regret it if I don't go, but I can't say I'm thrilled about visiting." She finally dared to meet his eyes, letting him see the pain behind them.

"And New York?" He almost whispered the question, afraid her answer might tear him apart. She used to love the city. He still did. Leaving wasn't exactly an easy feat for him either, and still he was willing to give it up for her. In his heart he had already left. Unfortunately, her eyes told him that the hurt still lingered with her.

"There are just so many memories there and not all of them are good." She shook her head, struggling to not be so goddamn nervous about this. "I mean, it's silly. I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I'm sure it will be fine." She faked a smile, hoping Harvey would buy it as her resolve wavered. Why was it still so hard to allow herself to need him?

"Donna. You know I'm right there with you, right?" At some point, he had taken her hands in his, holding them closely. "We're together now. That should count for something?"

"It does. I'm just afraid that…" she trailed off, not sure exactly what she feared most.

"Listen. We've been through hell and back. Maybe we can see this trip as a way of closing the book on everything we used to be."

When her eyes met his, a wave of uncoated comfort washed over her. Perhaps this was precisely what their upcoming journey was all about. Instead of reliving the past, it was time to say goodbye to it. For good. Something she had been trying to do for two years but had failed at. Accepting her past was the only way to move forward if she ever wanted a chance at a future with Harvey.

Still not completely convinced, she would trust that at least Harvey would be by her side. "Maybe."

* * *

Donna's reluctance had caused Harvey to be extra observant of her behavior as they had flown to Boston. He knew better than anyone how well versed she was at putting up a brave front, especially when it came to him. Rachel's Wonder Woman comment couldn't have been more true, so he had looked for signs she was uncomfortable but by the time they were pulling up into Marcus' driveway, Donna seemed genuinely excited to be here. So, he let it go for now, slipping his hand in hers as they rang the bell a minute later.

"Hey, you guys! It's so good to see you again." Marcus met them at the door, a big smile plastered on his face. He wasn't just happy for his brother, he was happy for the entire Specter clan to have Donna back in its midst. It hadn't been the same without her and neither had his brother.

"Hey, angel! I'm so happy you guys are here."

Marcus greeted Donna with a bearhug she had come to expect from her brother-in-law and she let herself drown in his embrace. It may have been years since she last visited this place, but Boston was definitely home, too. "So are we, Marcus."

Donna stepped inside the vestibule and peeked around Marcus. She had been looking forward to seeing Haley and hoped the girl was home. "Where are the kids?"

"The kids will be staying with Katie this week, so they're packing their things, because Katie will be by to pick them up soon. I had them last week. But right now, they're still ups-"

Heavy footfalls thundered down the stairs as Haley came flying down. "Auntie Donna! You're here!" she shrieked. The girl ignored everyone else and went straight for her favorite aunt, hugging her tightly.

"It's so good to see you, Haley." Donna wrapped her arms around the bundle of jubilation, a little overcome by Haley's uninhabited show of affection. For once, being surrounded by people from her past was a reminder of everything she had gained instead of lost and it filled her heart with a luminous love.

Harvey watched the pair embrace, noting how right it looked to have Donna, _his Donna,_ back in Boston with his family. She belonged there as much as he did.

"Hi, Uncle Harvey."

"Hey, sweetie." Harvey hugged his niece, loving her infectious enthusiasm as she pulled Donna inside, leaving the two men by themselves.

"Hey big brother." Marcus wrapped his arms around Harvey and held on a little longer, having missed him over Christmas. When they broke apart, he gave Harvey a once-over. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Harvey was glowing. "Man, California agrees with you. You look great!" He patted his arm. "Come on, let's get inside. You want a beer?"

Harvey followed Marcus into the kitchen and leaned back against the counter. "So, how've you been, Marcus?" From the moment he had laid eyes on his brother, he knew there was something troubling him. He had always been able to tell, even when they were young.

"I've been okay. Natalie is a champion, but Christmas was… hard. Really hard." The words stuck in his throat, recollecting how the first Christmas without Lily had been difficult, to say the least.

"Yeah, tell me about it." Had he been selfish in choosing Seattle over Boston this year? Even if he hadn't, guilt suddenly gnawed at the corners of his decision. "I should have been here."

"No. No way. You deserve to be happy, Harvey. Especially after everything you've been through these past few years. Just answer me this. Are you happy?"

"I am, Marcus. Donna and I were always supposed to be together. Being with her now is just…" There were no words to describe how he felt. Now all he needed was the courage and the right moment to tell his brother he was leaving to be with her for good.

Their conversation got interrupted when Donna, Haley and Natalie walked into the kitchen.

"Dad, can I please stay here tonight," Haley pleaded. "Please?"

"That's fine by me, but you'll have to ask your mother. And tell your brother to come down and greet our company."

Haley tore out of the kitchen.

"That girl sure is crazy about you," Marcus said to Donna. "We all are." He raised his bottle. "Welcome back, Donna."

"Thanks, Marcus. I'm happy to be here." she replied, as her cheeks flushed ever so slightly and she felt Harvey move closer until he was right beside her and his lips pressed against her temple.

.

A while later, everybody had gathered by the fireplace, drinks in hand and snacks on the table.

Unfortunately for Haley, Katie had picked her and her little brother up, already on her way over when Haley had called. Luckily, after some begging, Katie had conceded that Haley could spend New Year's Eve at her dad's house, resulting in a new fit of jumps and squeals from the teenager.

"We're actually here because we want to tell you something." Harvey glanced at Donna before continuing, keeping an eye on his little brother. The tension he had seen on Marcus' face hadn't subsided and he was worried this was not the right time for a bombshell to drop. But if not now, then when? "I was offered a job in LA and I've said yes." He paused, trying not to sound too elated. "I'm giving my notice this week so I can start as soon as possible."

"Harvey! I'm so happy for you." Marcus finished the remainder of his beer in one gulp.

"Thanks, Marcus." He eyed his brother skeptically.

"Excuse me, I'm getting us some more drinks. Would you like another drink?" he asked Donna.

The 'no' she replied must have gone unheard, because he still got up and headed for the kitchen.

"I'll be right back," Harvey said, following Marcus out of the room.

Coming up behind Marcus who was peering into the fridge for a lot longer than needed to get another bottle of beer, Harvey asked with a hint of concern in his voice, "Hey. You okay?"

Heaving a sigh, Marcus closed the door, taking a moment before facing his brother with tear-filled eyes. "She just died and now you're leaving, too?" It wasn't an accusation as much as disappointment snaking itself around his heart at the thought his big brother was moving across the country.

"I know. That's why I wanted to tell you in person." Seeing his brother heartbroken, was almost too much to bear, so he clung to the only truth he knew, feeling his own emotions rise rapidly. "I love her, Marcus."

"I know you do and I really am happy for you, Harvey. I am. But I sure am gonna miss you," he croaked as his lip trembled.

"I'll miss you, too, dickhead." He gave Marcus a rueful smile. "Come here."

As he wrapped his little brother in his arms, Harvey didn't hide his own tears. They had been through so much and now a new phase in his life had presented itself. He'd made the right decision, but that didn't mean it hurt any less leaving the people he loved behind.

* * *

_A/N: Please let me hear your thoughts. I think I have two more chapters to go... _


	21. Serendipity

_A/N: I keep repeating myself, but I can't thank everyone enough for the ongoing love for this story. _

**_Warning: _**_M-rated content._

* * *

**21\. Serendipity**

When Harvey and Marcus walked back into the living room, they found Donna by herself.

"Where's Natalie?" Marcus asked, realizing he'd forgotten his beer in the kitchen.

"She went upstairs to take a call." The move had seemed a little extreme, but Donna hadn't thought more of it.

"Again?" He sighed, shaking his head. "Natalie is getting ready to go back to Los Angeles, to visit her sister. She's just been diagnosed with breast cancer," he said, taking a seat opposite the couch his brother and Donna were on.

"Charlotte has breast cancer?" Shock flashed across Harvey's features. He'd seen the woman mere weeks ago and she had been fine then. That _goddamn _disease was hitting close to home all over again. No wonder Marcus had looked pained. And him announcing he was leaving probably couldn't have come at a worse time for his little brother.

"Yeah, it's stage three, and she will have to undergo treatment starting next week."

"Wait, Natalie's sister's name is Charlotte? What is her last name?" Donna asked, feeling a chill run down her spine.

"Bowen. Why? Do you know her?" Marcus replied.

"I know a Charlotte Bowen. She used to be in my yoga class. When I told her I was looking to join a company, she was the one who told me to check out Bellevue Theater. She used to volunteer there, right?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Mary just told me that the Charlotte Bowen I know has breast cancer," Donna said, turning to Harvey.

Marcus pulled out his phone and scrolled through the photos and found one of his family and Charlotte's.

"That's her," he said, pointing to the screen at a blonde woman in her forties. "We took this the day we scattered Mom's ashes. I don't know where Harvey was, but yeah that's her."

Harvey shared a look with Donna. That day was forever imprinted in both their memories. The photo was taken on the morning Harvey had first seen Donna at Sleepy Joe's, it being the reason he wasn't in the shot.

Donna grasped the phone, eager to find out if the two Charlotte Bowens turned out to be one and the same. She didn't have to study the image for very long, before her mouth fell open. "Oh, my God. That's her."

Natalie walked in, and three pairs of eyes flashed in her direction. "What's going on here?"

"Did you know Donna knew Charlotte?" Marcus asked.

As her heart started hammering in her chest, Natalie looked at each of them. She dropped her gaze to the floor, shifting her weight nervously.

"Natalie?" Marcus went to his fiancé, sensing something was definitely off. "What's going on?"

"I… You guys might want to brace yourself for this."

Donna and Harvey shared an apprehensive look, unsure of what was unfolding.

"So, tell us," Harvey all but demanded, unmoving.

Natalie turned her attention to Marcus. "Remember when we took your mom and Bobby out to LA in May? Well, one morning we were all out for breakfast. It was just us girls and Charlotte was talking about the theater, showing pictures." She looked at Donna. "You were in one of them."

Donna's face drained of all color trying to remember everything that had led to this moment. One of her finer traits was that she never forgot a face. Therefore, she was certain she had never met Charlotte before she'd left New York. Hell, she'd only encountered Natalie twice before the move. Perhaps she'd seen a photograph at some point, but nothing defining enough to trigger a memory when Charlotte had introduced herself six months ago.

"Lily didn't say anything then and I hadn't even recognized you."

Natalie left the room for a moment, leaving the three of them stunned into silence. A few moments later, she returned with an envelope and handed it to Harvey, who studied the handwriting, running his fingers over the cursive letters spelling out his name.

"Right before Lily died, she explained everything and told me to give this to you."

Marcus looked at his big brother in anticipation, but Harvey seemed frozen. "Don't you wanna know what it says?" Because he sure as hell did.

Looking for encouragement, Harvey's eyes searched for Donna, who motioned for him to go ahead.

He gently tore open the side of the envelope, tearing the paper to reveal a handwritten letter he read in silence.

_My dear Harvey,_

_If you're reading this, it means you and Donna have found your way back to each other again and my job is truly done. Natalie will answer all your questions, but for now know that I am watching over you._

_I hope you live a long and healthy life together. You both deserve it. _

_I love you, sweet Harvey._

_Love,_

_Mom _

_PS. Don't let her go this time. I'm not sure I can pull this off twice._

Harvey smiled through the tears that had fallen and handed the letter to Donna. "How?" he asked Natalie.

"I don't know exactly. Lily wanted to test if there was an afterlife. That's why she requested her ashes to be scattered in the Pacific. If we stayed with Charlotte and you," she pointed at Donna, "were also in LA, she hoped you might somehow happen upon her there. I was sworn to secrecy, Harvey. If you two hadn't met on that trip, I would have probably told you where Donna was. But then Marcus came home one night while we were still out there and told me about your encounter at some coffee place and I nearly broke down."

"You told me it was allergies," Marcus asserted, feeling stupid for having missed her true reaction.

"I can't believe it," Donna cried softly, moving closer to Harvey after handing the letter to Marcus. "All this time, I've been saying I don't believe in coincidences, but this is something else."

"It might still be a coincidence. Who knows," Natalie tried to reason. "But maybe it isn't."

"Maybe it isn't," Harvey echoed.

"Jesus Christ. Remember when we were scattering Mom's ashes?" Marcus handed Harvey the letter back. "You just told me you'd seen Donna again and I said that maybe it was Mom's plan all along and that's why she chose the Pacific. At the time, I was just trying to make you feel better, but I had no idea it was actually the truth." He shook his head, disbelief hitting him from all sides. "Man, I need a beer!"

"I could definitely use another," Harvey agreed.

"Don't you have anything stronger? Good lord," Donna sighed, wiping her own tears away.

"We sure do. Be right back."

Natalie followed her fiancé, knowing Marcus likely had a lot of questions of his own.

Reading the letter for the fifth time, Harvey shook his head. "You think it's real?" He was seeking any kind of confirmation this wasn't a dream.

Donna had linked her arm through his and stared up at his watery eyes. "I do. This sounds exactly like something your mom would do."

"Yeah, it does."

Donna watched as a new batch of tears rolled down Harvey's cheeks. "You okay?" she asked, moving in front of him while brushing her thumb over the moist skin of his cheek.

"Yeah, it's just a lot… I mean, I know it sounds stupid, but I had a feeling she was watching over me. I just never thought–"

"It's not stupid," she said with a smile, shaking her head. "I'm sure she's watching. And I'm sure your dad is right there with her."

.

That night, Donna woke in an otherwise empty bed. The first thing she noticed was the absence of Harvey's body heat, the east coast winter being particularly brutal this year. Scanning the room, she found him in front of the window, his big frame preventing any light from entering, even though the curtains were opened slightly; enough for him to look outside.

Climbing out of bed, she wrapped the extra blanket Natalie had left them around her and wandered over. The creaking of the floorboards shook him out of his reverie because his chin moved to the side somewhat in his otherwise unmoving stance and she noticed how the moonlight bathed him in a thousand different shadows.

Feeling restless, Harvey had given up on sleep a while ago. Too many memories were crowding his conscious, too many thoughts and questions. The east coast had been home since he was born. And now he was leaving everything behind for a second chance with Donna. And to think his mom had had a hand in it all was boggling his already muddled mind. So, he had meandered to the window, trying to make sense of everything that had happened as he'd looked up at the clear night sky; the stars Lily had told him she would be amongst once her body gave out.

Donna placed a kiss right between his muscular shoulder blades, feeling the coldness of his skin against her lips and wondered how long he'd been standing there. Placing the wool cover over his shoulders, she moved to stand before him. With her back to his front, he shrouded them both as big underarms locked over her chest and Harvey absentmindedly started rocking them in dull rhythm.

He didn't speak. Instead, he just stood there, staring out the window. The silk of her camisole drifted like a layer of her rapturous permanence against his bare skin. The warmth Donna engulfed him with gently eased him out of his thoughts. As her scent tickled his nose, he slowly lowered his head, burying his face in her neck until he could breathe her in.

"I'm glad you're here," he whispered.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

There was no need for words, just a gentle silence surrounding them in the darkness, until Harvey finally spoke, withdrawing his face from the crook of her neck.

"I'm worried about Marcus," he said, his voice laden with concern. "He has a lot on his plate and now I'm leaving, too."

"You can't feel guilty for things working out in your life."

"I know. But it still feels like I'm abandoning him." Harvey pulled her even closer to him, because although she was right, he couldn't shake the sense of guilt haunting him since his announcement.

"Having second thoughts?" Donna murmured, a little wary of the answer, especially when Harvey took a moment to reply.

"I'm not. But I'm really gonna miss him."

"I would be more worried if you didn't," she smiled, turning in his arms.

"Who knows, we might move back someday," he said, covering them both as her arms folded around his bare waist.

There was a hint of hope in the way he expressed the words and it told Donna he clearly was in the process of letting go, but he wasn't there just yet.

"Ooh, I doubt that. Once you get used to never having to wear a winter coat again, you might change your mind," she nudged.

"And the earthquakes?"

With a small shrug of her shoulders, she stated, "They're not so bad."

He pulled back enough to get a good look at her face, bafflement adorning his. "You've had those?"

"Sure. But they sound worse than they are."

"Jesus. What have I gotten myself into now?" he mused.

"It might take some getting used to, but I'll be there to hold your hand, if you get scared," she only half-teased, smiling up at his handsome face. She'd be there for him all the way and he knew it, too.

"Good. 'Cause I'm gonna need it." Under the moonlight, her eyes glowed, and he lost himself in her loving gaze. Reaching to place his palm on her cheek, he let go of the blanket and dipped down to brush his mouth over hers. With her taste on his tongue, he wrapped her in his arms once more, his beacon of strength.

There was something vulnerable about the dead of night that tore away his concealed walls. To be exposed in the darkness, to share his fears in the sanctuary of her arms; it all came much easier than when daylight shone a light on his afflictions for the whole world to see.

"What do you say we get some sleep?" he finally uttered, feeling his body succumb to the time of night.

.

The next day, Marcus and Donna were in the kitchen, preparing their New Year's Eve meal. Harvey, Bobby and Haley were spending some quality time watching a movie while Natalie was busy on the phone to her two other sisters and her overbearing mom as they worked out a plan to visit Charlotte.

"So, how do you like my brother's new physique?" Marcus gave her the Specter smirk with a glint in his eye as he started putting silverware and glasses out to set the table.

"I was definitely surprised when I first saw him." Donna smiled to herself, removing the casserole from the oven and placing it on the counter to cool off for a minute. She had been more than surprised. Turned on was more like it, even though she had denied the sensation then.

"I'm really happy you guys are back together." He let a silence stretch between them. He was happy, truly. But there was a tiny voice inside his head reminding him about the last time the couple had gotten together and things hadn't worked out. Did she have any idea about the shape Harvey had been in after she'd left? "He was a real mess, you know."

Donna looked at Marcus and could tell there was more he wanted to share. Harvey was protective of his brother, but the sentiment went both ways and he was about to warn her. Nobody had told her anything about the aftermath for Harvey, except Harvey. There were snippets here and there, but she was aware that was only part of the story. Even Mike hadn't known the full extent of the situation. "How bad was it? I know Lily took care of him for a while."

"You wanna know the truth?" He measured her and swiftly deliberated how much to tell her.

"I do, Marcus."

"It was pretty bad. After he came to Boston, Mom sent him to a doctor who referred him to a psychiatrist, because he was spiraling. He was clinically depressed for a few months. One night, he had gone out, just to get wasted again, you know, numb the pain. He did that from time to time and we never said anything. I mean, he was a grown man, Mom and Bobby couldn't exactly tie him down. Next thing, my mom gets a call he was in the hospital because he'd wrapped his car around a telephone pole."

A loud clattering of porcelain breaking echoed through the kitchen as little pieces of cream colored debris scattered everywhere. Shaken to her core, Donna stood frozen in place, staring at the white wreckage at her feet.

"Are you okay?" Marcus asked, joining her side.

Marcus' voice startled her, the proximity a surprise, because time had stood still for a moment. "I'm fine," she grumbled, angry at more than just her own stupid actions. "Jeez, I'm so sorry, Marcus!" She bent down and started picking up the broken pieces one by one, astonished the three top plates were still intact.

Had Harvey really almost killed himself? And why hadn't he told her?

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, I'm glad you did."

Getting down on his hunches, Marcus helped her clean up, a dustpan and broom in hand.

"What's going on? Are you okay? I heard a noise." Harvey's voice was loud in the silent kitchen as he walked in, concern contorting his face.

"We're fine. I just dropped these plates. Stupid me." Her gaze met Marcus' briefly. "Don't worry, dinner will be ready in a few minutes. We got this." She tried to get Harvey to leave as a thousand questions flooded her mind, questions she desperately needed an answer to.

When Harvey eventually left, she grilled Marcus on the entire incident, demanding to know _everything_.

"He walked away from the accident pretty much unscathed, except for a concussion, a black eye and a bruised collar bone from where the seat belt had done its job. He'd fallen asleep so his body hadn't resisted during impact."

"Oh my god." She could have lost him. _They_ could have lost him.

"The crash signaled rock bottom for him and it was a wake-up call. After that he started going to the gym regularly. He dropped the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds soon after, against doctor's orders, but you know my brother. He told me he had resigned to feeling like shit and figured he didn't need any chemicals in his body to desensitize him any longer. Boxing took the edge off for him."

Donna had to sit down, overcome by too many emotions she couldn't distinguish. "I had no idea. I mean, he'd told me he was depressed, but I guess he left out how bad it was."

"He'll probably kill me for having told you, but I thought you should know."

"Well, _he_ should have told me."

"He'll kill me for saying this, too, but I think he is ashamed of the episode."

"I get it. There are some things about the last two years I haven't been able to tell him, either. But I really appreciate you telling me this, Marcus." Now that the initial shock had worn off, Donna decided to not confront Harvey while they were in Boston. There'd be a time and place for it soon enough.

.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…"

Everybody was on their feet as the countdown continued.

"Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!" As the ball dropped in Times Square, Natalie and Marcus shared a kiss as Bobby and Haley shared a hug.

After a few moments, all eyes landed on the couple still locked in each other's arm, foreheads touching between breaths, apparently oblivious to where they were or with whom.

"I'd say 'get a room' but you have one upstairs and I'm not sure it's a good idea if you use it right now. There are children in the house, you know," Marcus teased.

Harvey and Donna finally broke their kiss, smiling at each other for not being sorry they were caught making out like teenagers. This year heralded a new chapter in their lives and relationship, and it merited a proper celebration.

"Happy New Year, Harvey."

"Happy New Year, Donna."

.

Just after lunch on New Year's Day, Harvey and Donna were ready to get on the road, not sure when they would all see each other again. The indefiniteness filled the moment with a sense of hollow gloom.

"Promise me you'll take care of him," Marcus demanded, hugging Donna tightly.

"I promise, Marcus. And you come visit soon, okay."

"I will. I love you, angel."

"I love you, too, Marcus."

With their suitcases already in the car, Donna left the two brothers to say their goodbyes.

"As soon as I'm settled, I want you to come visit, okay. We can rent a yacht, go out on the ocean..."

"Visit Mom?"

"Yeah." Harvey would have felt stupid saying it out loud and therefore had decided not to, but he was more than glad his brother got the gist.

"I'd like that, Harvey." He swallowed thickly. "Now, go on. Your girl is waiting."

Harvey tried to smile. Saying goodbye was harder than he had anticipated and the weight of this farewell fell heavy on his shoulders. "I love you, Marcus." Engulfing his little brother in his big arms, he drew the man to him, silently praying for him to be strong.

"I love you, too, Harvey."

.

Thirty minutes later, they were well underway to Hartford. Neither one of them had spoken much. The air between them was laden with the discomfort of too many ramifications, a result of their choice to be together.

"You're quiet. You okay?" Harvey looked over at Donna, staring out the window.

Donna fidgeted with the ring on her finger. "Marcus told me you were clinically depressed. Why didn't you tell me?" she asked tentatively.

_Goddamn Marcus. _"I told you I was depressed. I didn't think it was relevant." He acted unfazed, but below the surface a sense of annoyance smoldered.

"Not relevant? If you don't think _that's_ relevant, what the hell else have you been keeping from me?" Out of nowhere, anger masked her fears, tainting the words she spat out.

"I haven't kept anything from you! I slipped into a depression and then I got out of it. That's it." He hadn't meant for the words to sound so harsh and they left a foul taste in his mouth, knowing there was something he had yet to tell her.

As if hit by a ton of bricks, Donna felt her chest constrict. In a way, she felt responsible, _was_ responsible, even though she knew his actions were his own. "And the accident?" Trying to remain calm and non-judgemental was futile at the thought of him in danger. Perhaps if she had more details, it would hurt less.

He heaved a sigh, making a mental note to tell his brother to keep his big mouth shut next time. If there was one part of the past two years Harvey wished he could erase, it would be this. He felt shamefully embarrassed for what had happened. And being called out on it was not something he welcomed, regardless by whom. "What about it? I don't need a lecture on drunk driving and how you're not supposed to do it. I learned my lesson, Donna."

She reached for his arm, seeking his hand. "I'm not mad. I'm just… You could have been seriously injured." Tears welled in her eyes, realizing she could have lost him for good. "I'm so sorry." Although she wasn't sure exactly what for, she still felt the need to apologize.

"Yeah. Me too." He mostly felt like an asshole for how he'd snapped at her. So far, their vow to be honest had been put to the test from both sides. So, he held onto her hand until the hurt and anger subsided.

.

The closer they got to Seabury Meadows, the senior care facility where Donna's mom was staying, the more she felt like she was slowly being suffocated.

A squeeze to her knee took her out of her trance, away from the myriad of ways the upcoming hour could come to pass. The images she conjured spiraled out of control, leaving her with her insides constricted and her breathing shallow.

She had never been nervous about visiting her mom before. However, this time, the loss of the person who gave her life loomed over her, knowing that person no longer existed. Her mom was just a shell of the woman she once was. She still looked liked her and sounded like her, but all the elements that made up her mom's personality were gone.

And every visit might be the last.

"We're here," Harvey coaxed as he turned the engine off, waiting for her to meet his gaze. He needed to assess her state of mind and when she wouldn't look at him, Harvey stopped her before she could get out of the car. "Donna. Look at me. It's gonna be okay."

The way Donna looked at him reminded him of the dinner they had shared in Santa Monica before he went back to New York. Her hazel eyes had held so much anguish and sorrow, his heart hurt just looking at them, unsure if there was anything he could do to lessen the pain. But there was a resolution in them as well.

As if a switch had been turned, he watched her square her shoulders and throw open the car door.

The cold wind cut like a dagger on her skin as she made her way to the main entrance. With a determination in her step, she pushed herself forward and took a deep breath, shutting Harvey out for the time being. She had to remain strong right now and his compassionate eyes would pierce through her jarring emotions and make her lose her courage to walk in here at all.

"Hi, happy New Year. We're here to see Clara Paulsen," Donna said, attempting to sound undeterred.

"Right this way," the young orderly instructed, as they walked through a living area with elderly people spread left and right, some with families and some by themselves. It was a large space, with big floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking a garden.

Situated next to one of the windows, Clara was in a wheelchair with her back to the room. There were some chairs around her, a small table with an empty cup of coffee and a newspaper, like she entertained company on a regular basis. It hadn't snowed yet, but the sky was gray and there wasn't much to be seen. It probably didn't matter what was going on outside, because the frail woman stared into nothingness with a forlorn gaze.

Approaching her with caution, as not to startle her, Donna and Harvey took a seat on opposite sides of her. "Hi, Mom. It's me, Donna." Her voice was soft, cajoling her to get her attention.

Briefly, Clara's eyes landed on the redhead before her, but she resumed her focus on the window, not sure who the stranger was.

The pleading look Donna gave him made Harvey's stomach drop. Seeing her brave front falter was near impossible to witness. "Hello, Mrs. Paulsen. Remember me?"

Looking to her left at the origin of that low voice, Clara took a moment and scanned the man in front of her. "Richard? Is that you? Oh my, my dear Richard! It's so good to see you!" She reached for his hand, which Harvey allowed her to take even though he was taken aback by her reaction and wasn't sure how to respond. Nervous eyes searched for Donna's, desperate for instructions on what to do.

"Mom, that's Harvey. Remember Harvey?"

"Harvey, of course." She repeated the name but wasn't convinced she'd heard it before. So, she let go of him, confused about what was happening.

"Who's Richard?" Harvey mouthed.

Donna shrugged her shoulders.

Turning her attention back to her mother, Donna started explaining about what had happened since Thanksgiving, how Harvey had shown up and how he was now moving in with her.

Now and then, Clara would respond as if she was following the story, but there was a gaping divide, like she was merely listening out of courtesy.

Harvey watched Donna like a hawk. He hated how he had underestimated the situation, finding it hard to believe a parent could forget a child. And yet, seeing Donna and Clara sitting here like two strangers, proved he had been wrong. It broke his heart a bit more every time her eyes met his and he could tell she was fighting the tears.

Once Donna finished telling the tale, Clara took a minute to take in the information. Places like New York and Santa Monica meant little to her, nor did the names. On some level, she knew she'd heard it all before, but wrapping her head around a love story with characters she didn't know was an impossible feat for her.

Clara looked at the woman sitting nervously next to her and asked for clarity, hoping it would make more sense. "What's your name again?"

Biting down on her trembling lip, Donna blinked through the tears that had formed, choking on the words when she said, "It's Donna, Mom. I'm your daughter." She wanted nothing more than to take her hand but thought better of it halfway through the gesture. If her mom really didn't recognize her, a stranger holding her hand was the last thing she needed.

Dropping his gaze to his shoes, Harvey couldn't watch. He missed his own mom, but at least she'd been the same person right until the end. There was no way for him to imagine what Donna was going through and it scared him, knowing he would need to be here for her, regardless.

Their visit ended shortly after with Donna unable to stay there a minute longer. She left a kiss on her mother's forehead and tried to get her to look at her when she said, 'I love you'. But the words fell silent between the women, Clara unable to reciprocate them.

"Goodbye, Mrs. Paulsen," Harvey said, a sad smile on his lips.

"Goodbye…" Clara stopped herself from saying the name she thought belonged to him, incapable of remembering the name he wore.

On the way out, Clara's caretaker informed Donna that the Alzheimer's was progressing rapidly, and it'd be a matter of months before her brain would not only forget the people in her life, but it would forget to make her heart beat as well.

Donna had gripped Harvey hand tight on their way back to the car, forcing her tears to stay away.

.

As dusk settled, they had checked into their hotel for the night. The suite was spacious, with a separate bedroom, a bathroom with a hot tub, kitchen and sitting area, providing them luxury and comfort after an emotional day.

Donna hadn't said a word since they'd left Clara and her silence had unsettled Harvey. It reminded him too much of their situation right after her dad had fallen ill. Still, this was a new level of grief he was unfamiliar with; mourning someone while they were still alive. He didn't know how to handle it, afraid to push her away if he came too close and afraid of failing to support her if he didn't get close enough.

Leaning against the back of the sofa, Donna tried following whatever Harvey was saying as he unpacked his laptop bag on the dining table in front of her. The words didn't register, even though she was searching for a distraction, _any_ distraction from the searing pain tearing her soul apart.

So far, she'd won the battle against the tears, afraid that once she started crying, _really_ crying, there would be no stopping them. Ever. But the fight had worn her out and as Harvey moved to stand before her, all she saw was a safe haven in a raging storm, ready to provide shelter and protect her from a devastating shipwreck.

"What do you say I take you out to dinner, tonight?" His tone was light, not sure how she'd react, but needing to pull her out of this funk. He noticed how her lower lip quivered, holding back the words he knew she wanted to say.

Donna just stared at a spot below his jaw, like she was focusing her aim. As tears wetted her lashes, she stepped forward and buried her face in his neck, wrapping herself around his frame.

Strong arms caught her as she fell forward, sobbing heavily.

Harvey absorbed her cries as best he could, feeling her small body press against his, trusting him to keep her upright. He cradled her head, whispering it was okay while stroking her back until she ultimately calmed down.

With red-rimmed eyes, she looked up to meet Harvey's vigilant gaze, searching for answers to unspoken questions as her chest expanded with the love she felt for him. Standing on her toes, she kissed him. Once, twice, locking their lips until he responded. Curling her fingers into his hair, she pulled him to her in a desperate plea to focus on anything other than how she was feeling. "Make love to me, Harvey."

"Are you sure?"

"I need it to stop. The pain is…" She hoped she wouldn't have to explain. "Please?"

How could he possibly deny her? And after the emotional day they'd had, he was ready for some physical exertion.

Framing her face in both hands, he brought her lips to his and slowly walked them over to the bed, discarding their clothes along the way. By the time her back touched the mattress, Donna was only wearing her underwear and he was left in his boxer briefs. Draping himself over her, he kissed her passionately before starting his descent on her body.

If she needed a release, he would make sure she got one the best way he knew how.

Kissing his way south, one freckle at a time, he undid her bra and paid extra attention to her soft breast, suckling her nipple until he felt it harden in his mouth, while massaging the other between his fingers. He took his time, trying to prolong the distraction she had begged for.

Usually, Donna would coax him on, undulating under him as she drowned in the pleasure he provided. This time however, there wasn't much response and he knew she was still buried too deep in her own thoughts. So, he bit her nipple not so gently, trying to get her attention. Her eyes shot to his and he smiled against her skin. "Stay with me," he whispered, moving down her belly, leaving a trail of kisses until he reached the waistband of her panties.

Focusing hard to remain with the program, Donna loved him for what he was trying to do. Although she was fairly sure an orgasm wasn't in the cards for her, she didn't mind. Having Harvey between her legs would suffice, too. She'd fake one and hopefully fall asleep, forgetting the hellish afternoon she'd had, until daybreak would remind her all over again.

Busy kissing the inside of her thigh, Harvey moved his thumb over her panties and rubbed her through the silk which elicited a soft moan from Donna. At least her body was responding to his touch and he removed her underwear to further his actions. As expected, Harvey was unfazed when he traced a finger between her relatively dry lips, but he was on a mission to get her off, convinced he would be able to get her there.

Donna hissed when Harvey's mouth covered her core, his tongue lapping back and forth over the sensitive bundle of nerves. As her body betrayed her mind, her abdomen tightened and she tried to focus on the sensation he was providing, every so often meeting his lust-filled gaze.

Harvey _knew_ what she liked. He'd given her a thousand orgasms before, but as he licked and sucked, sliding his fingers in and out of her, she didn't seem to be able to let go, her body too tense from the reality she was dealing with.

"Come here," she breathed, stretching her arm out. "You don't have to…"

He ignored her.

Giving up was not an option. Instead, he would wear her out until she had no choice but to surrender. So, he picked up the pace, arching his fingers further, thrusting harder and deeper, licking and sucking her relentlessly until he felt her brace against the mattress, the sheets bundled in her hands and she eventually exploded against his mouth.

With a smirk on his wet lips, he climbed up her body. "Better?"

Tired but grateful eyes met his. "Amazing." She panted, trying hard to get her breathing under control from the unexpected orgasm he had induced. "You're amazing."

"Hmm, I know," he joked, kissing her as his own arousal throbbed against her hip, a little afraid she was done for now. Especially when she pushed at his shoulders. But before he could worry about her leaving him high and dry, she climbed on top and removed his underwear to expose his more than ready erection. "You don't have to…" As he mirrored her words from before, he looked down at her face near his twitching member, still willing to sacrifice a release of his own. For her.

With a devilish smile she wrapped her fingers around him and licked him from base to top before swallowing him whole in one fluid motion.

The warmth of her mouth covering him and her agile tongue teasing his tender tip, made him want to scream her name. His eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped into his pillow on a growl, the sinful stimulation flooding his every nerve ending.

Soon enough, he warned her, too close to a climax if she didn't stop. Donna heeded his warning and positioned herself on top before slowly sinking down over him, welcoming the way he filled her up. It was the connection she craved, to be one with the man she loved, grateful for his presence and the tireless effort he had demonstrated to make her forget for a while.

Without warning, Harvey flipped them over while keeping their bodies linked.

Once he had her pinned under him, he stilled, staring into her darkened eyes. She'd yelped from surprise and was smiling now, caressing his face. In spite of her eyes still being a little puffy and her kiss being tainted with salt, there was a loosening in her gaze, a confidence projected onto him that together they could handle whatever the world threw at them. So, he touched his nose to hers and breathed against her mouth, "I'm here. Always."

Squeezing her eyes shut, Donna drew him to her, covering his mouth with her own as she felt a whole new wave of emotions crash into her. To get him moving, she pulled up one leg and wrapped it around his waist. Right away, he took her cue and began shifting his hips back and forth, grinding into her, filling her depth until he moaned her name and she coaxed him to come, raking her nails over his scalp and his back, meeting him thrust for thrust.

He climaxed shortly after. His whole body went rigid before Harvey dropped his weight on top of her, feeling spent but sated.

They almost fell asleep in each other's arms. Almost, because the growl of Harvey's stomach was so loud, it made them both burst out laughing.

Harvey's earlier proposal to go out to dinner wasn't appealing at all. Confronting the real world was last on her list right now. No. She wanted to stay in the cocoon of their bed, tangled together, where it was easy to imagine the world outside didn't exist. At least for tonight.

There'd be a whole new day with a new set of different challenges to face tomorrow.

"What do you say we order in?"

* * *

_A/N: I had been toying with the idea of Lily having a hand in their reconciliation back when I first started writing this story. I just never knew how to do it until it came to me a few weeks ago. Thanks to Follow-ur-Shadow (Cassie_Ether) for the encouragement to go with it. :)_


	22. Shelter

_A/N: I realize that as the story evolved, so did Harvey and Donna, becoming different versions from the ones we know. As this is the last chapter, I do hope I did the characters justice. To those of you still reading, I love you!_

**_Warning_**_: M-rated content_

* * *

**22\. Shelter**

"I need to change first," Harvey said, unlocking the door and picking up his pace. They had just driven in from Connecticut and with traffic into town being heavier than expected, he was running late. Donna strolled behind him out of the elevator, past the familiar entrance and into the place she had once called home.

The morning light was spilling through the glass windows, barely illuminating his condo. The clouds were gray, the winter weather shrouding the city, and although it was close to 9 am, Donna turned on the lights in the kitchen.

The air was cool inside, matching how she felt as she took in her surroundings, and one thing was perfectly clear. Time had stood still.

Harvey's place was unchanged. The neat, rather empty apartment still held the leather sofa and chairs with the record player by the fireplace; his records lining the wall behind his home office space. Even the pictures on the wall were unchanged.

Everything was the same, except for one large difference. There was no trace of her things. The drawer cabinet, the side table, the two paintings she had brought over, the little decorative items she had gotten them, like candelabras, throw pillows, lamps. All gone. Just like the cactus she had given him all those years ago was nowhere to be found.

There was a profound loneliness to her absence within these walls, like a giant piece of a puzzle missing, erased, as if it had never been. Yet, here she was, once again, although the puzzle remained incomplete.

A weight settled in her chest, making it hard to breathe as a lump formed in her throat.

She fought it with all her might. No matter how painful it was to see how Harvey had obliterated her from his life, _she_ had been the one to leave. Still, to be confronted with the effects of her choices was tough, and she needed to busy herself with something. _Anything._

The coffeemaker sitting on the counter was one she had operated many a morning, and Donna was sure she would find everything required to make a brew in exactly the same spot, too.

.

Quickly discarding his clothes as he walked into his bedroom, Harvey rummaged through his wardrobe. He was going into the office today and although he had brought two suits with him to Santa Monica, he had packed light coming back here, knowing there would be plenty to take with him going west again. Besides, the suit he had in mind to wear for giving his formal notice was still hanging in his closet.

Giving his notice. The choice had been easy enough to make in the bubble of Seattle, where he had made love to Donna for the first time in years, sealing their romance by fusing their bodies in a physical promise to reinforce their vocal one. They loved each other and wanted to be together. And somehow the idea he was about to move across the country permanently hadn't seemed real until now.

Two-and-a-half weeks ago, he'd left New York on a hail Mary pass, hoping to work things out with Donna, maybe win her back. Never once had he stopped to think beyond that blindingly ambitious aim. And now he had accepted a job in LA and was moving in with her.

Things were changing and fast. For someone who wasn't all that great with change, he was coping acceptably, but he'd be lying if he said leaving was easy.

Looking at himself in the mirror, trying to get his tie right, a million thoughts raced through his mind. There was still so much to take care of. The realtor would meet him tomorrow afternoon, because he and Donna had agreed he would sell his condo. Although it had been his idea, he struggled to come to terms with selling the only place he'd ever called home after moving out of his parent's house. The one-bedroom had been the first big purchase as soon as he had started earning well at Pearson Hardman. His home had been the backbone of his entire life, the only place he felt safe, no matter what, regardless of the memories. And soon someone else would occupy it, filling it with their own memories.

The thought alone was nauseating.

Doing up the buttons of his vest, Harvey heaved a sigh. There was only one thing pushing this decision forward. Donna was worth it.

.

Leaning on the counter, sipping on the coffee she had just made, Donna watched Harvey walk towards her from his bedroom, the black, three-piece suit fit around his frame perfectly, his broad shoulders looking even broader as his still open jacket danced in the air. His muscular frame had likely been the reason he'd needed a wardrobe upgrade, and she realized she hadn't seen him wear a suit like this in over two years.

He looked sexy as hell as he strode forward, and she couldn't stop staring. The outfit, his hair, the gait. All of him demanded her attention and she forgot where she was for a moment.

There was something wonderfully familiar about having Donna make him coffee. In his home. Like she used to. A thought niggled at the edge of Harvey's mind, but he didn't pay it any attention. Instead, he leaned back against the island, opposite her. "What are you smirking about?" he prodded, bringing the steaming mug she had left out for him to his lips.

Donna scanned his entire physique, not hiding how much she was appreciating the sight before her. "Not that your ego needs any more boosting, but you look really goddamn good in that suit, Mr. Specter." She hid her amused expression behind her drink, taking a sip while peering over the edge to see his reaction.

With a most devilish grin on his face, his eyes lit up. "I'm glad you like it. Now. Stop ogling me, because I have to get going."

The idea she would soon be alone in this place coupled with the domesticity of the moment was crushing and Donna felt the need to ground herself; to remember why she was here to begin with. They were flying back to California in a few days. Forever.

Harvey put the cup down, but before he had a chance to close his suit jacket, Donna pushed herself forward and her arms snaked around his waist as she nuzzled his neck, squeezing him tightly, anchoring herself to him while she kept telling herself she would be okay without him.

Surprised by her move, he let her hug him for as long as she wanted to, because he honestly needed to feel her just as close.

It felt so good to be _home_, especially after the last couple of days. As if on cue, that nagging thought returned, and this time Harvey dared to face it. If Donna was back in NYC, why couldn't they just pick up where they'd left off? And stay?

His fingers tangled in her hair, keeping her close until she withdrew and looked up at him. He watched her straighten his tie, her body still flush against his, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Do you have any idea how much it means to me to have you home?"

Donna stared into his soft eyes, her fingers smoothing his collar. "Probably about as much as it means to have you in Santa Monica with me."

His gaze withered and his body hardened. Was that regret flickering across his face? Before she could analyze the change in his demeanor, Harvey kissed her languidly, digging his fingers into her waist, until they both ran out of breath.

_She was worth it._ He repeated the mantra, hoping she hadn't picked up on his hesitation. "There's a spare set of keys in the top drawer. I'll let you know about lunch, okay?"

"Okay. Good luck."

With one final kiss, Harvey grabbed his coat and headed out. For a single moment, the notion she might not be here when he got back shot a jolt of panic through his entire nervous system. He shrugged the sensation off as soon as it hit, refusing to let his fears get the better of him.

Donna listened to the door closing and suddenly the place was blanketed in an eerie silence, with too many ghosts from the past coming at her from every little corner the condo possessed.

She grabbed her purse and left.

* * *

With no real purpose, Donna spent the morning wandering around downtown Manhattan, gravitating to all the familiar spots. Breakfast at Nougatine's was lovely, even though the experience lacked the usual satisfaction. Maybe no longer living in the city meant all its mundane charms were lost as well. And breakfast at Nougatine's was just, well, breakfast.

Afterwards, she roamed the streets, soaking up the sounds and smells that were so distinctly New York City.

Walking around the Upper East Side, Donna was glad to be back in known territory when it came to shopping. Rodeo Drive wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and she took her time strolling down 3rd Street and slowly made her way south.

When she passed BHLDN, the bridal shop she had visited years before, first with Rachel and then for herself, she stopped and glanced at the mannequin in the window. The possibility that perhaps she might still be a bride one day, be _his_ bride, hit her so hard, she gasped for air. Surely, it was way too soon to think about any of that, but the prospect was enough to make her stop and stare. And dream of an ocean-side ceremony, just before sunset. In late August.

She caught her reflection in the mirror, smiling at herself.

The morning passed by quickly. To her dismay, Harvey cancelled on lunch last minute. His boss was making sure to put him to good use while he was in town, leaving her to entertain herself until dinner. In search of a place for a quick bite, she rounded the corner and without realizing stared at the entrance of 601 Lexington Avenue. The old office building.

Donna froze.

Whatever had drawn her to this spot was a mystery, but here she was, getting vertigo from staring up at the tall structure. Her pulse increased as too many memories came rushing back with a force so powerful, she placed a hand over her heart to calm it down. She had no intention of going in. There was nothing for her there, anyway. A different company now occupied the three floors that once housed one of the most powerful firms in the city. The glass lobby revealed people milling about, carrying on with their day, just like she had done in the exact same place for nearly fifteen years.

Watching from afar made her feel like a ghost haunting the past. Her past. Because all that remained were nameless places, now inhabited by new characters, making their own memories, unaware of what had come before, like it never happened. Like she never existed. Just like his condo.

And what a sad notion that was.

As a gloom befell her, Donna permitted herself to mourn the life she had abandoned for the first time in two years.

.

An hour later, with a hotdog in hand, she took a seat at a bench in Central Park and watched the familiar scene in front of her. The Wollman Rink was busy today. The schools were still out, and the ice was crawling with people of all ages.

Ice skating was not something common in California, and she hoped she and Harvey could come back and skate together this weekend, like they used to.

Once she finished her sandwich, Donna pulled out her phone and dialed Rachel's number, who answered after only two rings.

"Tell me! How does it feel being back there?" Rachel squealed quietly as she tucked the phone between her shoulder and cheek.

"It's so weird, Rachel. It's like no time has passed at all." And yet everything was different.

"I'll bet. What have you done so far?" Rachel repositioned Bobbi as she breastfed the one-week-old.

"Not much. Just some shopping. Had breakfast at Nougatine's. I even walked by the old offices."

"It all feels like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?" She stared at the baby in her arms and reflected on how much her own life had changed since she and Mike had left New York.

"It sure does."

Donna fell silent, lost in too many thoughts.

Distracted by Bobbi, Rachel didn't notice the line had gone quiet. But when the silence stretched on, Rachel's alarm bells went off. "Hey. You okay?"

"I am. I just can't wait to get back." She waited. "But I am not sure Harvey is."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. Something he said this morning. I think he's secretly hoping I'll change my mind and stay here. And I'm wondering if it's fair of me to ask him to leave."

"But you didn't. He accepted Mike's job offer."

"He only did that because I told him I didn't want to move back."

"Donna. You gotta give him some credit. Harvey is not exactly the type of guy who makes life-altering choices to please someone else."

Clearly Rachel had no idea what lengths Harvey would go to when that 'someone else' was Donna. But perhaps he did deserve more credit. "Yeah, I guess you have a point."

"And he gave Mike his word. He's not going to change his mind now."

"No, he won't. I just hope he'll be happy there." Because what if he discovered he didn't like California? The mere thought sent a rush of anxiety through her. With a deep breath and a shake of her head, she willed the feeling away.

"Donna. He's happy if you're there. I saw you two together. I saw you two apart. And trust me, if ever two people were meant to be together, it's you. And if California is not for him, you can always come to Seattle. Billy has been asking about when Uncle Harvey is coming back to visit. I think you may have been ousted as favorite," Rachel chuckled.

A smile appeared on Donna's lips. "Thanks, Rach. I needed to hear that. Not the being ousted part, though. I've been replaced that fast?"

Donna laughed as the conversation moved to Rachel, but the uneasiness lingered.

* * *

_One Sunday afternoon in early July, Harvey and Donna were strolling around Central Park, before descending on a bench overlooking The Lake, their favorite spot._

_They had been together for over a year. From the beginning, life had thrown so many curveballs their way that nowadays even Harvey felt like striking out most of the time. Unfortunately, with Jim Paulsen's health declining, they were nowhere near out of the woods. But this week had brought some small victories. Harvey had signed two major clients, giving Specter Williams some room to breathe for the coming months. He also hadn't had a panic attack in ten days—a new record—and now that Specter Williams was stabilizing, Harvey was hopeful to be rid of them for the moment. Donna had caught him in the middle of having one a few weeks earlier and he had been able to convince her it was a solitary incident, nothing to worry about. He was sure she didn't suspect anything, her mind increasingly preoccupied with other matters._

_The weekend before, they had gone to Seattle to meet baby Billy. Seeing the little bundle of joy plus visiting Mike and Rachel had been such a welcome distraction from all the goings-on in his life. And this moment, right here, made life worth living; when the world didn't seem to exist and all that was left was_ them_._

_As Donna chatted about her week at Burton & Howe, he watched her laugh at a joke he must have missed, too lost in the way her stunning auburn locks framed her face in the summer's afternoon sun. He moved a little closer to her, her short summer dress exposing a whole lot of leg he was itching to touch, so he brushed a finger against her knee._

_Donna just smiled at him, light shining in her eyes as she continued with her story, even though he could tell she was distracted by his charged caress._

_When she finished talking, she leaned into him to prompt a response._

_Lost in her beauty, he heard himself ask, "Will you marry me?"_

_Shock flashed across her face and Donna jerked back. With her eyebrows drawn in confusion, she scrutinized him and his intentions. "What now?"_

_Covering her hand with both of his, he secured himself to her. "Listen, I know there is a lot going on right now. And as much as I wish things were different, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He sported a vulnerable smile as he reached in his pocket to retrieve a small, blue velvet box._

_The moment her eyes landed on the concealing object, they grew twice in size, her mouth slightly agape. Apparently this wasn't as unplanned as she had initially thought, and the shock coursing through her nervous system amplified tenfold._

_With the hint of a tremor in his fingers, Harvey opened the lid to reveal a perfect diamond ring. "I have been meaning to propose to you for a while, but the timing was never right. But perhaps the 'right time' doesn't exist. So, I'm asking you now." With a nervous smile, he got on one knee and held her hand in his. "Donna Roberta Paulsen, will you marry me?"_

_Too stunned to cry, her entire body hummed as the world around them faded into the background. Her heart swelled. This moment carried everything she had always hoped for. For years, it was everything she had known could happen someday. If only he would see her._

_And now he finally had._

_Nodding vigorously, she stammered, "Yes, Harvey. I'll marry you." She reached forward to meet his lips in an unsparing kiss; their mouths colliding to enforce her answer. When she pulled back, she noticed his unsteady hand as he took the ring from the box and slipped it on her finger delicately, sealing their promise to be together forever._

_He got to his feet and didn't hesitate to wrap her in his arms, beaming at the woman he was so madly in love with. He kissed her fiercely, losing his hand in her hair and pulling her waist to clash against his own, because suddenly 'as close as possible' wasn't close enough._

_Despite all the hurdles they faced, they would have each other._

* * *

Because he'd had to skip lunch, Harvey had proposed Donna meet him at the office so they could have an early dinner at Carbone. Once there, he introduced her to John McCarthy, the managing partner at the firm. Cordial as he tried to be, the bastard had the audacity to unsuccessfully make light of the fact he blamed her for the reason one of his top lawyers was leaving and Harvey had to stop himself for doing something he would regret. Luckily for him, he caught sight of Donna's face and saw pride exude her as she smugly took the jab, knowing that he had chosen her over his job, which was a first; a notion he was convinced she cherished.

An hour later, Harvey shoved a spoonful of pasta in his mouth. After the day he'd had, starving was an understatement to describe his physical state by the time they made it to the restaurant. McCarthy had dragged him from one meeting to the next, forcing him to have to cancel lunch with Donna altogether, which only added to his displeasure. It seemed there was an ever-growing to-do list and there wasn't a minute to tick off even the simplest of items, resulting in an edgy and restless buzz in his bones.

The coming days were filled to the brim, but he was mostly looking forward to going to the gym in the morning to workout some of the tension that had settled in his body since Boston. All his cases were already in the process of being handed over to three of the partners and he would spend his last day making sure he didn't leave any loose ends.

The weekend would be spent packing. The whole move still seemed far off, intangible, so he put it out of his mind until he _had_ to deal with it. Nevertheless, there were some ideas floating around his brain regarding the upcoming change in scenery.

Seated in a booth in the back, the place was quiet for a Thursday night.

Harvey wiped his mouth with the soft cotton of the napkin laying in his lap and took a sip of his wine. "What did you think of the dining room set? My mom picked it out. I kinda like it and I was thinking that if you liked it too, we could maybe bring it to Santa Monica."

_Fuck._

Donna chewed on her salad, trying hard to remember any details but coming up empty. "Honestly, I hadn't noticed it." Apparently, the one thing that had been different in his place was the one thing she hadn't paid any attention to.

"Really? You with the eye for detail?" He looked at her skeptically.

Keeping it light, she picked at her half-full plate and replied, "I left about two minutes after you did. I only went back to drop off my shopping bags and the taxi driver was waiting downstairs, so all my stuff is still in the hallway." She took a swig of her wine. Maybe upon hearing her explanation Harvey would change the subject. But the silence spread, and she felt the burn of his scrutiny.

"Any reason you didn't go back?" He put his glass down and sat forward. His instincts roared as he watched her act casual. 'Act' being the operative word. Donna had cautioned him regarding her feelings about New York, and he may have underestimated the sentiment.

She lifted one shoulder in a careless shrug, hoping, praying he wouldn't push it. "Not really… It just felt weird being there without you."

The tightness in her expression ultimately gave her away and she may be a wonderful actress on stage, but she was doing a shitty job here tonight. "Everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I just rather have you with me, that's all." In Santa Monica. ASAP.

The smile she gave him lacked assurance, and he inquired further. "Why are you having such a hard time being here?"

She stopped poking her food.

"I'm not," she mumbled to her salad.

The hell she wasn't. He shook his head in disbelief. "Donna." Briefly, her gaze met his and Harvey found resolution in her eyes. She was obviously lying, and he hated it. A surge of anger coupled with frustration moved under the surface of his skin, threatening to burst free unless he willed the emotions away. Here he was, spending his last few days in the town he had called home for so long, struggling with his own feelings, and she was once again shielding herself from him.

Of all nights, tonight was not the night he could deal with her shutting down. He needed her, _dammit, _yet her behavior transported him back in time; back to their former selves, caught in patterns they should have broken years ago, but apparently hadn't. Even the newfound love of the past few weeks had done nothing to fix what was damaged between them, which terrified him more than anything. "You can't shut me out like this. Not again." Fear muffled his words and he dropped his gaze, afraid of what he might find if he didn't.

"You wanna know why I'm having a hard time? Because all I see when I see that elevator is you standing in the doorway, letting me go. That's why." She raised her voice in defense, on impulse, keeping him at bay by deflecting.

Donna might as well have slapped him in the face. "Funny. Because all I've _been_ seeing for the past two goddamn years is you walking out!" He threw his fork on his plate, the sound of metal on porcelain echoing loudly in the silence between them. Not knowing what the future held was unnerving enough, and right now the past was aiming a gun at his head, ready to pull the trigger.

She clenched her jaw, trying to keep from crying, her appetite having left her with the last words she'd spoken.

Facing her demons with Harvey had been a lot easier back in California where everything was new, and they could reinvent themselves. But here in Manhattan, where their story had come into existence nearly two decades ago, things were paralyzing at best; like there was an invisible fist clenching her throat and squeezing, keeping her from saying what needed to be said. After all they went through these past few weeks, being open about her feelings had been less of a feat, yet somehow breathing that New York air again made her forget how far she'd come.

"I'm scared, Harvey," she managed to whisper.

Her comment took the sting out of his anger as he measured her staring at her folded hands in her lap. "What's going on, Donna? What are you afraid of?"

"It's just… Being back here…" she stammered, searching for the right words. "It's brought back a lot of memories. Memories I've tucked away for too long, because I was afraid to remember them. It was hard enough to leave. I forced myself to not look back. And now… I hate myself for what I did to you. To us. And I'm trying to keep it together the best way I know how, but I've had this pit in my stomach all day…"

"And your way of coping is shutting me out? We've tried that before, remember."

She could tell he was hurt by the way he resigned his posture, sinking into himself, defeated. She'd seen it too many times before; the mighty Harvey Specter forfeiting the battle, because he knows he can't win unless she's there with him.

It was time to face the music.

Closing her eyes, Donna took a steadying breath for every time she had been called out on not being honest about her feelings. Mark, Mitchell, Thomas, they had all done it. Harvey had tried. Jeremy hadn't even noticed she'd had one foot out the door from the beginning. It was second nature to her, and something she wanted to unlearn more than anything, although she was well aware she could never achieve that on her own. If she wanted a real shot at a future with him and leave the past behind, she needed him to know the truth; the truth she was finally able to face herself; the truth he should hear. "When I was eight, I was playing this piece for my mom on the piano. It was her favorite and she'd cry every time I would play it. One day, my dad walked in and he saw my mom crying. He didn't comfort her. He just scoffed and said, 'You're always so damn emotional, Clara.' There was no empathy, no compassion. He just dismissed her feelings. That was the first time I heard him say that, as far as I can recall. After that, I noticed it happening again and again. And Mom would put up a brave face and pretend it didn't hurt. That she was okay."

"Sounds like somebody I know."

The energy shifted between them as their eyes met, and Donna gave him a rueful smile.

"My dad left us three times when I was still living at home. He'd be gone for weeks on end, leaving my mom in a panic. We weren't sure if he would come back. One of those times, I heard him say something similar right before he shut the door behind him." Donna fidgeted with her napkin, the words finding her easily. Far more easily than she had expected. "What I'm trying to say is, the lesson my young brain took from those incidents was that you can't show your true emotions. Especially with men, because they'll leave. And I don't want you to leave."

Without hesitation, Harvey got up and moved to her side until he sat right beside her, legs touching. His brain scrambled frantically as pieces of an intricate puzzle named Donna Paulsen fell into place. "Donna." He took her hand in his, reinforcing his presence. The proximity allowed him to see that her lashes were now wet and his heart shattered. "I won't leave." How could she even think he was anything like Jim _goddamn_ Paulsen?

"I know. But that's still something I struggle with. It's what broke my parents up. And my dad redeemed himself in the end. He started going to therapy and realized that allowing himself to feel a range of emotions was far better than dismissing them, but even as an adult it's hard to be what you haven't seen. And I am still teaching myself how not to be my mom. I guess we're all just products of our environment." She gave him a half-smile, feeling self-conscious and exposed, but confident he knew what she meant.

"I guess so," he replied mournfully, unaware he and Jim had had more in common than he'd realized before. He also started to get the idea there wasn't much he could do or say to convince her he was not like her dad. And he could either take offence at that or trust her to get over it in her own time. "But Donna, I'm not gonna leave you for being scared or nervous. But I will get mad if you don't tell me the truth. And if there's anything I've learned in therapy, it's that you can't have sunshine without some rain. And if being in town is hard for you, I want you to tell me about it."

Donna felt the love in his demand as the chains around her soul loosened, making it impossible to form any coherent reply. So, she nodded her head.

Her hand was small in his when he reassuringly caressed the back with his thumb. "How come you never told me this before?"

"When we first got together, I knew where my insecurities stemmed from and I was convinced I had them under control. After my parents reconciled, I would have these long conversations with my dad and they gave me a lot of insight. And it brought him and I closer, too. But then things started spiraling with us, and I just acted the only way I knew how. Which meant shutting down my feelings altogether. And in response, you shut down, too."

"I know. You once said… you found it hard to love me."

"No, what I said was that you made it hard to love you. Slight difference."

"Still." He didn't meet her eyes and his voice was soft, hardly audible. "Has that changed?"

"It was true at the time." Donna felt his grip slip from hers as she explained, his own insecurities never far away. So, with the back of her fingers, she grazed his cheek, focusing his attention on her. The small gesture had the desired effect when their eyes met. "But loving you now has been the easiest thing I've done. I have fallen _in_ love with you all over again and I didn't even know that was possible."

He pulled back with a surprised look on his face. "Really? I thought that was just me."

"I guess not." She released a captive breath. "Harvey. I took the coward's way out last time. I left because it was easier than dealing with what was really going on. I don't want that to happen again."

"Neither do I." He wouldn't survive.

"Promise me you'll call me out on my bullshit."

Her big eyes blinked up at him, the vulnerability in them achingly visible, and he was sure he had never loved her more than in this moment. "You want me to be your Donna?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

The optimistic smile she wore made his ears ring, and he lowered his head to press his lips to hers. "I can do that."

Donna answered the kiss eagerly, feeling all the built-up emotion drain from her body by breathing him in. When she pulled back, she searched his eyes. "Now that I've bared my soul, are you gonna tell me about the second thoughts you're having?"

"I'm not—"

"Harvey. It's okay. I want you to have them." She watched his brows dip in a barely noticeable frown. "This is no small decision. It's only natural that you are rethinking the whole thing, especially now that you're home again. I only want you in Santa Monica if you're one-hundred percent sure that's where you want to be."

The sudden turn in subject caught him off guard and he found himself scrambling to articulate a reply, not having had a moment to think about whatever it was he felt about the situation. "You're right. This morning, when you made me coffee, part of me wanted to go back to how things were before. But I know 'before' no longer exists. It's time for a change and so far, California has worked out pretty damn well, if you ask me." As he heard himself speak, Harvey felt his heart align with the words leaving his lips. Not only was Donna worth the trouble, he owed himself a chance at happiness.

Covering her mouth with his lips, he let himself drown in her response.

Donna witnessed a rigidity untangle in his features. His eyes shone a little brighter and as he kissed her in the crowded restaurant, her appetite slowly returned. For him. "What do you say we get out of here and make some happy memories to take with us?"

* * *

That night, Donna lay staring at the ceiling. Harvey had fallen asleep about thirty minutes ago, spent and sated from making love to her for hours. But in the dead of night, the rousing sounds of the city that never sleeps, however familiar, sparked something in her, unlike the soothing sounds of the ocean she had grown accustomed to.

Not wanting to wake Harvey with her tossing and turning, she got up and quietly left the bedroom.

For a few minutes, she stalked around his condo. Like she had done in the days leading up to her leaving him for good, or so she'd thought. Everything was so different now. _They_ were different. And maybe this trip was the perfect full-circle moment to let the past be in the past and to only look forward from now on.

She stopped at the dining room set, lit by the lights peeking in from the city around her. Soaking in every detail, she could see why Lily had picked it for her son. The table and chairs were elegant, yet modern, and she concluded that not only did she love it, but it would also fit her kitchen perfectly. And knowing Harvey would have a tangible reminder of his mom was just an added benefit.

Silently, she drifted back to the bedroom where she hovered near the foot of the bed, looking at Harvey's sleeping form. He looked so peaceful, at ease in his own home—the beloved home he would be sacrificing for her. It didn't feel right. He was already giving up so much.

When she climbed back in bed, Harvey still fast asleep, she left a kiss on his bare shoulder and whispered a soft _I love you_. When she turned the other way, his unconscious body followed her lead, and one heavy arm draped over her, pulling her close without ever waking.

* * *

The next morning, Harvey zipped up his hoodie. It was 6.30 am and he was ready to hit the gym. His bag was already packed and by the door when he remembered to take the shampoo from his bathroom. He almost made it out of the bedroom, when a soft 'good morning' beckoned him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," he whispered, for no good reason. "Go back to sleep."

Donna rolled over on one side, crossing her legs and feeling the familiar strain in her center from a night of vigorous lovemaking. She wiped the sleep from her eyes. "Can't. I'm up." Her half-awoken mind scanned him and his outfit; the hoodie, the gray sweatpants, the trainers. "You going boxing?"

Seeing Donna like this, under his sheets, hair tousled, no make-up on, was his favorite way to start the day. Without thinking, he marched towards her, drawn to her like a magnet, and crawled over the bed until his lips touched hers and he stretched out beside her on top of the covers. "I am," he replied, even though the chances of him leaving the house at all were decreasing at a rapid rate, because her fingers combed through his hair, seducing him effortlessly and unintentionally.

They'd had sex twice last night; fast and hard the minute they'd made it through the door, followed by a slow and sensual session that had resulted in him falling asleep gratified and happy. Still, he would go again if she'd let him.

Tucking a rogue strand of hair behind her ear, he asked, "Did you sleep okay?"

"I did," she lied. "Listen, I was thinking. What if you hung onto this place for a little while longer? I mean, you can always sell it later, but I think it will be good to keep for now."

Of all the ways this day could start, her comment was the last thing he'd expected. "Are you sure?"

"It's what you want, isn't it?"

"Well…" Was he really going to deny it?

"It's okay, Harvey. I don't want you to have to give up _everything_. And I know how much this place means to you." Donna watched his eyes grow wider before he kissed her long and deep.

"You mean more," he croaked eventually, searching her face for any trace of hesitation.

"I know." She wasn't sure of much, but this she'd bet her life on.

Harvey pulled the duvet away and covered her body with his own, brushing his nose against hers. "You're amazing," he rasped, grinding his hips against her pelvis in a grateful gesture.

Now it was her turn to hum as his lips trailed her jaw line down to her neck where he lingered.

"I was thinking I could start packing for you today, if that's okay with you."

"That's fine," he mumbled against her skin, too busy savoring the delight he felt gushing through him. An exploring hand roamed down the silk over her nightgown, over the soft swell of her breast, gently kneading to the rhythm of her breathing. As if on cue, her nipples hardened under his touch as her nails dug into his scalp, coaxing him on. The low moans she released in his ear boosted his burgeoning erection until the throb became painful and he slipped a palm between her legs to find her naked, wet and ready for him. He didn't even bother taking off his own clothes, because Donna helped him push down his sweats just enough to release his aching arousal.

She smiled at his urgency. "You don't need much, do you?"

In one move, he sank himself into her tight, welcoming walls and she arched off the mattress, thrilled by the magnificent intrusion of her already sensitive core.

Once buried deep, he pushed himself up on one arm, hovering over her, staring her down. "With you, never." He lowered his mouth over hers, capturing her moans as he picked up the pace. With her legs wrapped around his waist, he devoured all her senses as he moved inside of the woman who was his past, present and future.

Moments later, they both cried out in ecstasy simultaneously.

Harvey's body went limp and collapsed on top of her. He was still fully clothed, and he could not have been more comfortable. If he'd have his way, he would stay here and make love to her all day long. The realization they were hanging onto his condo was a bigger relief than expected and a smile crept up his face.

Being trapped beneath him, Donna took the opportunity to toy with his hair. "You're gonna be late," she wheedled, feeling his lips curl against her skin.

"Mmm. Don't care," came his muffled reply. He didn't want to go, but he knew she was right. He pulled back enough to meet her eyes, a diabolical grin on his lips. "It's not like they can fire me."

"True, but I also don't want to give them any reason to keep you here longer. So, you go take care of business and I'll be waiting here when you get back."

"Promise?" he whispered against her mouth.

"Promise," came her resolute reply.

He planted a warm kiss on her wet lips before disappearing into the bathroom.

As Harvey cleaned himself up, Donna sank into the pillows that were drenched in his scent. She'd be packing today. His belongings. But where were hers? For all she knew, he had donated everything to goodwill, happy to be rid of all the memories, although that idea seemed extreme, even for Harvey. So, when he finally emerged from the bathroom, ready to begin his day, Donna was set to inquire. "Harvey, what did you do with all my things?"

He froze and looked at her, assessing her intent. "They're in storage. Why?"

"Okay, good." Better than good. This was great. As much as she tried to deny it, she had missed some of her furniture, pieces she'd had for over a decade, items with sentimental value. "I was just thinking there might be some things I'd like to bring home with me."

"I'll write the address down, so you can go check it out, if you want."

Donna climbed out of bed and followed him into the living room. "Well, maybe we can go together tomorrow?"

"Sure. I'd like that." The way she stalked him all the way to the front door was ever so alarming, and he stopped before he opened the door, placing his palms on her waist and drawing her to him. Concern tightened his voice when he asked, "Are you gonna be okay here?" Last night, he'd apologized profusely for not gauging the situation correctly and he was not making the same mistake twice. Damn the firm. If she needed him, he'd be there for her.

With her hands on his chest, she stared into his loving eyes. "Yes, Harvey. I'll be fine."

The smile she flashed him wore enough conviction for him to leave without worry.

The door closed behind him and this time, the idea of spending an extended period of time alone in this place wasn't so daunting. She could always reach out to her friends, but none of her old friends knew she was in town, and for the moment, that was perfectly fine with her. There would be time for visits in the future, now that NYC was off the dreaded Places to Avoid list.

She needed to say a proper goodbye to the city that had given her a life she had never dared to dream of having and she wanted to do it with Harvey and no one else.

* * *

On Saturday morning, the noise of a metal door being rolled up temporarily drowned out every other sound and once the loudness dissolved, Donna faced a wall of boxes and furniture which at first glance were difficult to make out.

From behind her, Harvey sped to a corner she had barely noticed, too preoccupied with being railroaded by memories from seeing personal items she never expected to see again. Before his body had shielded whatever he was hiding, she had noted a foldout chair with a black shoe box sitting on top of it.

Harvey mumbled something incoherently and Donna joined his side, as he frantically tried to put the box away.

"No, wait. What's that?" On some level she knew what it was, but she couldn't be sure, not having seen the item in so long. She gently took the shoe box from where Harvey had put it and removed the top.

Her throat closed up and she was grateful for the opportunity to sit down, which she did immediately as tears stung her eyes.

Harvey looked on in horror. The last time he'd been to the storage unit was right after his mom passed away and in all his excitement about moving he had forgotten how he would come here occasionally, when he was feeling downhearted; when he missed Donna so much, he needed to be surrounded by her things.

His heart hammered in his chest and left an echo of its rhythm in his brain.

With the box in her lap, Donna sifted through photo after photo of _them_. Moments captured at the old firm, with Jessica and Louis, Mike and Rachel. Pictures of them in the Hamptons together, at home, even one of her performing on stage, taken from the audience. On top were photos of the last Christmas she'd spent in Boston. One stood out in particular, because the edge was crumpled and it seemed some moisture had left a stain on a picture of her and Lily, in front of Lily and Bobby's fireplace. With watery eyes, she looked up at Harvey, who sported a most sheepish look as he scratched the back of his head nervously.

"I, eh…," he stammered.

"You don't have to explain, Harvey. But we are definitely taking this with us." She handed him the photograph and watched how his features wilted.

Harvey took the image and a flash of agony shot through him, remembering the last time he'd held it in his hands. He vividly recalled how much he had cried that day, right before Lily's cremation. He'd never felt lonelier and was completely lost without her, and Donna, and this photo illustrated everything he had ever loved and lost. At the time, he was aware another depression lurked around the corner and this time around his mom wouldn't be there to guide him back into happier pastures. But then she'd asked to have her ashes scattered in the Pacific and she had changed the course of his life.

He swallowed hard and put the photo in the inside pocket of his coat, where he kept it close to his heart, while Donna silently started to sift through her past.

Like his condo, they came to the realization that it was too soon to get rid of the storage unit and decided to keep it for now. Donna chose some items to have shipped and wasn't sure what she wanted to do with the others. So, they would remain here until she made up her mind.

* * *

That afternoon, they slapped on some irons and danced on the ice of the Wolman Rink as gentle snowflakes drizzled down from the heavens above. The city seemed to move in slow motion around them, giving Harvey a chance to cherish the moment and lock the memory away for safekeeping; to draw from when inevitably there would be nights when California just wasn't cutting it and he missed the hustle and bustle of the greatest city on earth.

With her cheeks flushed and her nose red from the cold, Donna snuggled closer to Harvey. The upbeat song playing wasn't the type of music to sway to, but they didn't care. Being in love, together, in the place where it all started filled the experience with something extraordinary; something to treasure on the eve of their lives entwining anew.

As day turned into night on their last night in New York, Harvey felt ready, excited and a little sad. For old times' sake, they had dinner at Del Posto and walked all the way home, unfazed by the snow which had blanketed the streets; effortlessly transforming the town into a winter wonderland.

Tiny flakes were still drifting down as Donna linked her arm through Harvey's, drawing from the warmth he supplied as they crossed the street onto his block; the sound of the snow crushing beneath their feet ringing in the night. "You ready to leave this magical place?"

He nodded his head in advance. "I am. I was ready when I booked that one-way ticket. It just feels more real now," he said, pulling her into his shoulder.

"I just hope you'll be as happy in Santa Monica as I am," she said softly, trepidation staining her concern.

Harvey stopped walking and turned to face her. "You'll be there, right?" She nodded. "Then I'll be happy," he stated matter-of-factly. The apprehension he felt had everything to do with fear of the unknown and nothing whatsoever with his intrinsic need to love and be loved by her. And when she wrapped her arms around his waist as snowflakes melted on their shoulders, there was no question they had the love part covered.

* * *

Three weeks later, Harvey eased his phone back on the nightstand and shifted to his other side. He'd been awake for at least an hour, excited, nervous, anxious. Once his brain had turned on, there was no shutting it off. Still, he had plenty of time before he was expected at the office. His new office. Because today he would officially start his new job.

The alarm was set for 6 am, which meant he had two more minutes before Donna would be awake, too. He decided he'd be her alarm this morning and switched the mechanical one off. Trailing his gaze over her relaxed features, the dusting of freckles, her soft lips slightly parted, oblivious to his intentions, he leaned down and kissed her until he felt her stir against his mouth.

A dull moan against his lips made him smile and he pulled back, propping himself up on his elbow. "Good morning, Beautiful."

"Mmm. Very good." Donna shut her eyes and moved onto his pillow, nestling herself into his side, breathing him in. It was something she still relished every single day. "You nervous?"

"Not really." After several weeks of not having to go to work, he was actually looking forward to going into the office. He had spoken to Mike the night before and was ready for this new adventure.

Since they had gotten back from New York, he'd spent pretty much every waking moment with Donna or at the gym. She had taken him to all her favorite spots and had shown him her version of Southern California and the longer he was there, the more he loved it.

"Good. You're gonna do great, Mr. General Manager."

"I hope so," he said optimistically, before he jumped out of bed. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Donna smiled at his impatience, knowing how much he had been looking forward to this day. They both knew the demands of the job, whether the title spelled Managing Partner or General Manager. But she was just as excited as he was for him to enter this new chapter.

With his hair still damp and a towel wrapped around his waist, Harvey marched out of the bathroom a little while later, eager to get dressed, when he found Donna sitting at the edge of their bed.

"I have something for you."

Surprise flashed across his face. "What is it?" He watched how she rummaged through her closet to present a white dress shirt on a hanger. She held the garment out, enticing him to look closer. At first sight, it didn't appear that special. He had a dozen of those shirts hanging in that same closet.

"Check out the cuff," she smirked as she jiggled the piece of clothing in front of him.

That's when he finally saw it. The light gray stitching spelling out 'H.R.S.' on the left cuff. His heart swelled as he inspected the embroidered letters, reminiscent of how it used to feel to get dressed for work in the morning, back when he had taken pride in his job, something that had been lacking as of late. And here was Donna reminding him of an essential part of his life. "You didn't have to do this." But man, was he glad she did. He carefully lifted the shirt off the hanger and put it on.

"I noticed the monogram on your new shirts was hidden on the bottom hem, and I thought it might be time you wore your initials for the world to see."

Words failed him as she helped him button up. Of their own volition, his hands cupped her face and he drew her to him for a tender kiss. "Thanks, Donna."

Curled up with the new script for the next play in her lap and a steaming cup of tea in her hand, Donna stretched out on her deck chair, a blanket covering her legs. The air was still cool at night, with it only being February, but the sky was clear as it gently morphed to a darker hue.

After Harvey had left that morning, she had gone to yoga class and in the afternoon, Jackson had announced the new cast for their upcoming version of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. The director must have liked her work in A Christmas Carol, because the part she had been assigned had a lot more meat to it and Donna was thoroughly thrilled.

Despite the joy, throughout the day, her thoughts kept wandering back to Harvey. He had only texted a few times, likely too busy being the new boss to check in with her. She didn't mind, but a mix of worry and nervousness, albeit faintly, nipped at her psyche, thinking how much of their future depended on him enjoying himself here.

The doors to her kitchen were closed, but she heard the soft muffle of the front door closing and anticipation rose in her.

Harvey was home.

She kept peering inside to catch a glimpse of his form, but couldn't see him. A few minutes later, a gentle jazz tune came through the speakers and she smiled.

Not being very tech savvy, Harvey had finally managed to connect his phone to her wireless sound setup, and he had been unstoppable since.

The doors slid open and Harvey stepped outside. His suit jacket was gone and so was his tie. Giving him a quick once-over, she discerned he looked a little worse for the wear from when she had seen him off this morning, but that was to be expected.

"Hey," he greeted her, leaning down to briefly meet her lips. "Got some room there?"

He waited for Donna to put her tea on the table and scoot forward, so he could wedge himself behind her, a leg on each side. As soon as he settled, she leaned back into him and he wrapped his arms around her middle. Immediately, the burdens of the day faded away.

"How was your first day?" She wished she could see his face and read him, but his tone of voice would have to do.

Honestly, the new position had been overwhelming, but nothing he couldn't handle. In fact, it had stirred a dormant desire in him to be in charge again, instead of being on the bottom of the food chain, handling everyday cases. No, he could really build something here. And even though they were in different states, he and Mike worked together again and the thought of having him there to bounce ideas off, was more than exhilarating. Still, he didn't lie when he said, "Intimidating. Challenging. Exciting. There is a lot of work to be done, but I think I have a pretty good team."

"How about your assistant?"

The urge to mock her for being jealous was strong, but he reigned himself in. "She's great. Seems to be good at her job."

"As good as I was?" She half-turned to see him, a teasing smile on her lips.

"No one will ever compare."

"I know," she sassed, looking at the hands wrapped around her and the cuff of his sleeve. She trailed a finger over the monogram. "Just like there's only one Harvey Specter."

He buried his face in her neck and inhaled. "How were things at the theater?"

"Great. I got the part of Titania." She held up the highlighted script for him to see.

"That's a significant part, isn't it? Congratulations!"

"It is. I'm really excited." She leaned into him, relishing the beat of his heart as it reverberated through his chest into her back. "You hungry? I'm making burgers tonight."

"My favorite. But I'm not hungry yet. I just wanna sit here for a minute." Staring up at the sky slowing filling with a thousand stars, Donna wrapped in his arms, Harvey's soul relaxed. If he ever doubted his decision, this moment right here reminded him he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

Gazing at the stars, Donna couldn't help a smile from forming. "It's good to have you home, Harvey."

"It's good to be home, Donna."

* * *

THE END


	23. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

Billy was nervous. But it was a good nervous. Because at five years old, he was on a mission. What he was carrying didn't weigh much, and he wasn't sure why people were making such a big deal out of it. But there were _a lot_ of people seated left and right and he could hear them whisper as he walked by. Some of them had familiar faces, but most guests were strangers. It didn't matter. They all smiled as he strode forwards which in turn made him smile.

His mom's voice sounded in his brain._ Just walk towards aunt Donna._

Anybody could do it, really. But they'd had him practice, anyway.

He could see his aunt smiling from where he was, halfway down the red carpet. His mom looked more beautiful than ever. His dad waited up there, too, standing next to Uncle Harvey. They wore matching suits and Billy felt the itch of his own suit pants as the fabric scraped against his skin. He didn't pay attention to it—being dressed up like his dad was way too much fun to care about the nuisance. The outfit even came with a tie! Nobody in his class had ever worn a tie before. He knew because he'd asked.

Aunt Donna was in a big, pale-pink dress with flowers covering the front and side. The word _pale-pink_ had been thrown around often, yet it still elicited a giggle each time. Uncle Harvey and aunt Donna were in the middle, and there was a gray-haired woman he'd met yesterday standing behind them.

The scene in front of him looked like the picture he'd seen on the mantel. Except in that one, his parents had been in the center, flanked by his aunt and uncle.

The closer he got, the more obvious it became his redheaded aunt was on the verge of tears. Once more, his mom's words repeated themselves. _There will be crying today and just remember, those are happy tears,_ she had said.

Billy climbed the three steps leading to Donna and with two steady hands reached up to give her the white pillow with the rings attached. She in turn bent down and gave him a big hug and of the most radiant smiles he had ever seen. Feeling immensely accomplished and a little lost, he wandered over to his mom, who instructed him to go sit with his grandparents in the first row. He ran over and all but jumped into his seat, happy to be out of the spotlight, but pretty darn proud of himself.

He'd done good.

* * *

_Pacing back and forth, Donna forced herself to stop, take a breath, and calm the hell down._

_It was late July and the Californian night air was sticky with the promise of no relief._

_The past few months had been pure, unadulterated bliss. She had realized the amount of happiness even made the ecstasy they had shared when she and Harvey had first gotten together pale in comparison. Perhaps it was the location. Or not having the impending doom of __everything__ collapsing hanging over their heads. Whatever it was, it was more than she could have hoped for when they'd left New York some six months ago._

_Harvey's new job was going very well, but her house lacked the space for a home office, one of the reasons they were going to look for a bigger place come the fall. _

_A larger home for the future they were planning together, with nothing holding them back this time._

_Standing near the stonewalled edge, she looked out at the city below when she sensed him approach, feeling his eyes rake over her body and a grin appeared on her lips._

_._

_Harvey spotted Donna from a distance, her radiant beauty shining brightly under a crescent moon and a thousand shimmering stars and he wasn't at all surprised she turned around the moment his gaze landed on her frame—they had always felt each other's presence, even in a room full of people. _

_Tonight, she wore a new, dark blue satin dress that had a waterfall front, accentuating the swell of her breasts where his glance lingered briefly. Her hair fell down her arms in long auburn waves and the colorful wrap she had draped over her upper arms added a touch of elegance very few women could pull off, but the accessory seemed made for her._

_When Harvey had gotten off from work, Jack, his driver, had told him he had been instructed to take Harvey here. Jack wouldn't tell him who had given him the instructions, but Harvey'd had a pretty good idea. And here she was, looking like a summer goddess, the wind whipping her dress and toying with her hair as it engulfed her in a sensual dance._

_Suddenly the Tom Ford three-piece he was wearing made him feel underdressed for whatever this was._

_And what was the occasion? Had he missed an anniversary? It wasn't the twenty-fifth of anything, so it had to be something else, but the fact he was drawing blanks unnerved him, no matter how extraordinary she looked tonight._

_._

_The moment their eyes locked, Donna's smile lit up the East Terrace of the Griffith Observatory and the air between them crackled as Harvey drew nearer. She watched him close in, his jacket clutched in one hand, his sleeves rolled up, his stride eager, his eyes uneasy._

_Without hesitation, he marched forwards until his palms were on her waist and his lips brushed over hers for a lingering kiss._

_"You look amazing," he beamed, pressing his fingertips into the soft satin covering her hips._

_"Hmm, thank you," she replied, leaning up again for another kiss, her heart beating out of her chest from the nerves crawling up her spine. Kissing him always soothed her, and tonight was no different._

_"So, why did you want to meet me here?" he eventually asked when the explanation wasn't offered._

_The question was simple, to the point, and out of nowhere way too confrontational, causing her courage to waver, and her to turn in his arms, away from his inquisitive eyes._

_Leaning into his body as he embraced her from behind, she closed her eyes, reveling in the sanctuary of the moment. "I was thinking about our first kiss here and how magical __that moment__ was."_

_Burying his face in her hair, he hummed in accordance. "It was pretty special."_

_And how far they had come since that December night. Exploring fingers ran over his big underarms and she drew a breath. "That's why I picked this place," she said, tightening her hold as her body buzzed with a nervous energy running rampant under the surface._

_Harvey wished he could look into her eyes and read what she was trying to say, desperate to know. "For what?" What could she possibly have to tell him? She definitely wasn't pregnant. Or was she? No way. Impossible._

_"I love you, Harvey." No sooner than the words had left her mouth was she facing him again._

_"I love you, too, Donna, but what's going on?"_

_Another breath. _

_"I wanna marry you," she blurted out. Surprising herself, she frantically scanned his features. _Shit_, this was not exactly the calm and collected proposal she'd had in mind when first coming up with this plan._

_With his mouth slightly agape, he stared at her. "You want to—?"_

_Now that the cat was out of the bag, the remaining tension left her body on a sigh and she fingered a button of his shirt. "I wanted to marry you five years ago. And just because we didn't make it then, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it now. I have never been happier, Harvey, and I can't wait to add your name to mine. So, I guess I'm asking you to marry me."_

_Much better._

_Hopeful eyes met his confused stare and he blinked. Twice. Trying to catch up to the moment._

_To fill the awkward silence, she added, "And I thought we could do it next week."_

_A puzzled frown contorted his features further. "Excuse me?"_

_"You busy next Friday?" she asked, a teasing smile tugging at the corners of her mouth._

_"Donna." His warning was convincing enough that she relented from her teasing._

_"I sorta arranged for our wedding to be next week," she confessed with a careful shrug. "Like I said, I don't want to wait any longer."_

_Donna watched an array of emotions flicker across his face, but still he failed to produce a sound. But she _knew_. He wanted this just as much as she did, so she bravely continued. "Everything is taken care of. Everybody will be there. Mike and Rachel, Marcus and Natalie, Louis, Alex. I even invited Jessica. She's coming, by the way. You name them, and they'll be here. All you have to do is say _yes_."_

_His lips crashed into her mouth with such force, she stumbled backwards, thankful his embrace kept her upright as her arms wrapped around his neck._

_Reluctantly, Harvey broke their connection, overwhelmed with joy and too many unanswered questions fogging up his brain. "The only reason I haven't proposed to you yet, was because I wasn't sure you wanted to get married. I mean, after what happened… We never really discussed it."_

_The fragility of their relationship only intensified whenever he thought about marriage. They had tried that before and it didn't work. And as long as they were together, no legal ceremony would fortify what they knew to be true in their hearts._

_"I know. And I would have brought it up sooner, but I was a little busy planning a wedding," she smiled nervously. "We both know we're gonna be together forever. I would just like to make it official in the presence of all our friends and family."_

_Harvey felt his body vibrating with a cocktail of love, amazement, joy, gratitude, and utter happiness coursing through his veins. "You're amazing, you know that?"_

_"So, I assume that's a yes?" she beamed with a hint of uncertainty._

_"Jesus. Of course. Yes! I'll marry you. It's all I ever wanted."_

_As his fingers tangled in her hair, cradling her head, Harvey kissed Donna with the same desperation he'd only felt once: the night he had finally realized she was _the one_. And here he was, twenty-five hundred miles from that spot, promising to spend the rest of his life with her. Again._

* * *

Mary inhaled a calming breath, waiting for the music to fade out before all eyes would be focused on her. She had come to know Harvey quite well over the last few months, and when Donna had asked her to officiate their marriage, she had jumped at the chance. Seeing the redhead exude happiness was already everything she had wished for. Knowing her history with Harvey, it was an even bigger honor to be made part of their wedding.

Absentmindedly, Mary fingered the alien necklace resting over her heart. Harvey had requested her to wear one of Lily's favorites, a tangible reminder his mom was there with them, too, especially now that they were both orphans, with Clara having passed away a few months before.

When the song ended and a lonely cough cleared the air, her moment had arrived.

"Love is a mystical thing. It's elusive, intangible, and sometimes fleeting. You can't see it, hear it, or taste it. You can't smell nor touch it. You can only experience it, and once you're under its intoxicating spell, all bets are off. Some people meet at a young age and spend their entire lives together. Others meet in college or while doing their jobs. And then there are those who meet in a bar, on a night of celebration, and suddenly everything changes; the world as you knew it is turned upside down and a new journey commences. Donna and Harvey's journey, which is about to enter its third decade, was certainly not one of leisure, instead their road was filled with many obstacles and difficulties along the way. And yet, their love for one another never wavered when even a lengthy separation succumbed beneath the power of the universe, uniting them once more."

Pausing briefly, she placed a hand on her chest, trapping Lily's necklace against her heart as she watched how Harvey swallowed thickly at the small act. She flashed him a knowing smile before continuing. "None of us are safe from the trials of life. We must all carry the legacy of those who came before, trying not to repeat their mistakes as we wrestle life's challenges. It's not always an easy feat and it shapes us into who we become and who we choose to spend our time with. Sometimes, our paths to find true love take a detour when the universe has other plans and even two people who are obviously meant to be together, aren't."

Mary paused again, glancing at the couple before her, sharing a weighty look. "Major events, both good and bad, are a reliable part of life. As we travel on, friendships come and go and loved ones are lost. Thankfully, those who have passed on will sometimes remain with us, guiding us as we learn to navigate life without them. But if you're lucky enough to meet that one person who is there for you throughout it all—who serves as a beacon in the night, a steering light, who provides shelter when you need it, someone to share the fun and laughter with and to cry with when you're feeling down and out—you're wise to hold on to them and treasure them with everything you have. Donna and Harvey certainly had their hardships, but there's no doubt in my mind their love was always written in the stars."

Donna was having trouble holding it together. Mary's beautiful words were exactly why they had chosen the elderly hippie to officiate their wedding—with Harvey being on board from the start, once he had been informed of all her plans. Her colorful insight and friendship had become monumental in their lives and hearing her address how destined they were to be together, made whatever resolve she had not to cry vanish into thin air, forcing her to bite her lip to keep herself from going into a full blown ugly-cry—one that would make Oprah proud.

As she finished her well-rehearsed story, Mary's eyes darted between the two people before her. Both had already lived an entire life, but in many ways, their life was only just beginning. She gently asked, "Harvey, would you like to go first?"

Although all kinds of emotions were gushing through him, Harvey was mostly calm. Of course, finally tying the knot was a significant event, but then again, this has been twenty years in the making and he was more than ready to be her husband.

He only wished his mom could have been here to celebrate the occasion.

He could feel Donna's delicate hands tremble in his as he began, smiling softly at her as she beamed at him. "Donna, we've been through hell and back. In the time we were apart, it felt as if there was a piece of myself missing. But I never stopped loving you. And I never will. You're my best friend, my soulmate. You make me a better man and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Although he tried hard not to grin like an idiot, he couldn't help himself as he looked at his bride's nervous face and Mary handed him Donna's ring. All he could think about was how he wanted to kiss those gorgeous red lips.

The ring slipped on with ease, and it matched perfectly with the one he had given her at Christmas—the one cut from the diamond he had proposed with all those years ago. _Something old, something new_.

Donna watched how her wedding ring glided into place on her finger. The weight of the promise it came with made the metal burn her skin with enchantment.

She glanced at Mary for a sign, who nodded with a compassionate smile on her face.

Afraid no sound would come from her mouth, she inhaled deeply and straightened her back before locking eyes with Harvey. Immediately, a serenity settled over her jumpy nerves and her heart raced a little less. "Harvey, you are my world. We traveled a gravel road to get to where we are today, but I wouldn't have it any other way. As long as I have you by my side, no mountain is too steep to climb. I promise to love you forever. And once this life is over, I'll find you in the next, because an eternity won't be long enough to spend my time with you."

Wiping a tear away, Mary handed Donna Harvey's ring, which fit perfectly around his long finger, like it belonged there all along. Once in place, their hands entwined.

Donna felt him tug gently and she stepped forward gazing into his dark brown eyes, and for a moment she saw the universe, her universe, as she drowned in the overwhelming love she felt as her vision slowly started to blur.

"Harvey, do you take Donna Roberta Paulsen to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, comfort and honor her, from this day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

He had to swallow; his mouth suddenly dry as cotton. "I do."

"And do you, Donna, take Harvey Reginald Specter to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, comfort and honor him, from this day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

Screw it. She was crying. Nodding vigorously, she muttered, "I do."

Mary wore the brightest of smiles when she announced, "Then I now pronounce you: husband and wife."

Cheers and applause erupted from the crowd and Mary must have said something about Harvey being able to kiss the bride, but she never heard it, too preoccupied with the way Harvey's lips dominated her mouth and big, strong arms wrapped themselves around her body, carrying her. Forever.

The next thing she knew, she was being hauled outside, onto the makeshift dancefloor overlooking the ocean. The sun had begun to set and soon a million western stars would blanket them in their light.

Looking into her husband's eyes, who was skillfully waltzing them around, she whispered softly, "We made it."

He met her with a loving gaze. "We sure did."


End file.
